Guess who didn't come home last night?

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by meowbunny, Mar 27, 2008.

  1. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    Yup, you guessed! So, yesterday went:

    11:00 am -- Going to apartment to fill out paperwork; it should take a couple of hours. See you later.

    3:30 pm -- We're all done with the paperwork. Today is roomie's mom's birthday and I'm going over there to celebrate. Hope that's not a problem (hung up before I could say boo! about it). I'll call you in a couple of hours.

    9:30 pm -- Sorry I didn't call but when we got there it was a formal dinner and I didn't have time to call. I asked if she was spending the night there. She didn't know, it depended on her ride, etc. (She had planned to take a cab there previously but now it depended on a ride.) I hung up, saying the connection was bad.

    Midnight -- I call her to see if she's coming home. Nope. She'll spend the night there. Me being me had to open my mouth and tell her I guess she didn't need me to do anything for her. Of course, she responded with she didn't understand what the problem was.

    Let's see, you're moving out in a few days and can't spend even one evening with me. You couldn't bother getting up early on Easter morning so we could at least have breakfast together. You asked what I would like done on Tuesday while I was gone. I told you. Came home, nothing had been done. (I only gave her the first reason. Guess I can leave the rest for when she comes home.)

    And I'm supposed to take her to garage sales, give her some of my things, buy things for her? Am I missing something here??? Am I being petty??????
  2. Sondar

    Sondar New Member

    Gosh, all I can think of is how very center-of-the-universe most young people are. You are NOT being petty, but your daughter isn't able to do the give and take part of a "relationship" -- yet.

    Good luck in these last days of the move. After it's all over and things settle down, I bet you will feel at peace with the quiet. This is a major life experience for you both.
  3. Abbey

    Abbey Spork Queen

    One can hope that it was a situation where she partied with friends and didn't want to drive intoxicated. easy child son did this recently. Upset that he is not of legal age (18), but he had the sense to know he shouldn't drive. I'd rather have him spend the night.

  4. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    Nah, no drinking. Just didn't want to come home because I wasn't jumping up and down with joy. I hadn't said anything about how I felt but I wasn't acting enthused that she was going to the birthday party.

    Sadly, the more I think about it, the less inclined I am to want to do a lot for her move. I really am tired of being treated like a second-rate human in my own home. But, if I don't help, I know I'll never hear from her unless she's really in trouble. This so stinks.
  5. MrsMcNear46

    MrsMcNear46 New Member

    I went thru about the same scenario with Sweet Betsy. I decided it was best to just leave it alone, follow thru with my end of the deal helping her gather what she needed to move out and go on with it. Just wasn't worth the battle.

    Our relationship has evolved majorly in the last two years and she actually WANTS to spend her time with me when she can. Hope you have as much luck.


    Mrs. McNear
  6. janebrain

    janebrain New Member

    Hi MB,
    I think she is acting pretty normal for someone her age (unless they've been out of the home for awhile). We really aren't on their radar unless they need something from us. She'll grow up--you have not lost her. The best thing you can do for her and yourself is to have your own life and not be centering your life on her. The more of your own interests you have the less you will find yourself focusing on her. I really think it is good she is moving out, you will have a better relationship that way.
  7. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    I agree with what Jane said.

    I think it is especially tough on you, because you guys were so close. I think that this is tough on her too, and perhaps this is the best way she knows to cope with it. The proverbial ripping the bandaid off all at once. Perhaps she is afraid of a confrontation or an argument if you two were to spend too much time together before the move? Perhaps she is afraid that it will be too hurtful for her.

    I am just playing devil's advocate here. Trying to see things from her side. I know you are hurting. And I am not trying to take that away from you.

    I think that when things simmer down, you two can reconnect on a different level. I certainly hope that is the case.

    Thinking of you.
  8. Star*

    Star* call 911

    Bunny -

    Today I had a meeting at the foster parent providers. There would be me, Dude, Foster Dad and the director. It's a one month check up. Okay so I should NOT have seen him in one month - but we all know I have. Court - 4 minutes for Easter. One day he just stopped in to see the dogs.

    And normally I don't care if it was yesterday - I am happy to see him. Puppy in the pet shop window happy. But today something said - Don't be a puppy. Be a person. Huge difference.

    So I got in and said "hey" and I was basically ignored. So I sat down and ignored back - I got "Hey Momma" and a hug. (okay a hug)

    Then we talked, I didn't add too much into what had already been said - and then we were done and I said "See ya all later." and walked out. I wanted SO VERY badly to stand there and chat and hug - and laugh. But I didn't. And - to my surprise - Dude came running down the hall and said "Hey - Mooooooooommie...." and we stood and talked a minute and then I said "I have to go" (I didn't really) and he started talking more...did I have time to this, that?

    I guess my point is - I KNOW you are hurting. What's not to hurt about being the EVERYTHING person and now you are the SOMETHING when I need it person? If you allow yourself to be the SOMETHING person - then it's on you. If you keep to your plans no matter how it tugs at your heart - it will bring them around or it won't. If it does - You're one up. If it doesn't? You're one up in the sense that you didn't set yourself out to be whacked like a pinata! It's a win / win proposition. It just takes discipline.

    Do I think you are being petty? No. I think more you unknowingly set yourself up by thinking ahead and visualizing things that make YOUR day dreams complete. I told you before I stopped having the dreams - and visions and I'm much better off. Allow it to be one of those "it is what it is " days.

    Hugs for your hurt -
    But congratulations for raising such a fantastic daughter that she's ABLE to go out on her own. BRAVO MOM - bravo!

  9. janebrain

    janebrain New Member

    I like what you said and how you said it. I think it is sort of like being in a love relationship--if you go chasing after the guy and you are waiting around for him to call, etc. he feels smothered. The minute you demonstrate that you have your own life that does not revolve around him he is running after you.

    When my dtr was first out in Seattle she was calling a lot--needed emotional and financial help. Now she is on her feet and calls less and will sometimes forget she said she would call a certain day. I don't wait around for the call, in fact I usually forget that she was supposed to call. When she does call she is apologetic but I understand that she is busy and I am not on her mind all that much. I know she cares about me and the rest of the family but she has her own life to live and we are not center stage. I think that is good for her and good for us.

    I have a friend whose mom lives and breathes for her (the friend is in her 40's) and my friend just dreads talking to her and spending time with her because her mom is so dependent on her for her own emotional wellbeing. MB, I am not saying that is what you are doing--this is an extreme example of a parent's overdependence on their child. I am sure you are going to do just fine, it will take time to adjust. Then you'll probably wonder how you lived with her as long as you did!

    I remember pining for my son when he went off to college even though I was ready to throw him out by the time he left because he was so unpleasant. I really had to grieve for awhile, I missed him so much and I felt unneeded. He hardly called, he seemed to be having such a great time, I thought he would never want to come home again. But I adjusted and my fears were unfounded--boy, were they--he lives with me now!

    Take care, MB, you are going to be fine. Keep coming and posting. We all need you!

  10. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Everybody has posted the same "feelings" I would post. It is hard to
    move from first place to ??? place. It is hard to accept that our children
    do not have the obligation to us that we have felt for them since they took their first breathe. It is hard.

    Personally I think the most difficult part is that Moms forget who to H they are as individual people because they are absorbed for decades with the presence, needs and perceived needs of their children. Just like after a is time to reanalyze your interests. Find anything
    that "may" be enjoyable and go for it. Many "empty nesters" discover a whole new fulfilling interest that allows them to let their adult children fly
    off to explore the world.

    I understand. I am not minimizing your feelings. It's just that having been there done that, like many others who have posted, I know that the emphasis has to be on YOU in order to survive this painful period. Hugs. DDD

    PS: Yes, I know. I haven't experienced an empty BUT I really did have similar feelings of loss with the adults who left home. We'll see how I do if difficult child and easy child/difficult child can fly away! :redface:
  11. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    Actually, I know I'm going to miss her. Would be something wrong if I didn't but I've already started getting my life back and finding ME. I just want to share some of her life and her share some of mine. I don't want to be just the person she calls to save her. If that happens, I'm not so sure I'll be willing to save her.

    Right now she has packed up everything. Originally, she told me she was going to move in little by little. I said no, that wasn't going to happen. Her move out date was the 1st. So, to punish me, she "might" move out tonight. I simply said okay and went back to my room to putz around. I'm really surprised this child can walk considering how often she has shot herself in the foot.
  12. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    MB, this is a familiar scenario. I've read it over and over from other parents whose kids have moved out. It's hurtful and annoying for us........and pretty typical for them.

    Try to step back and let her go. Like the others said, once you relax she will take the next step. Expect some distance for awhile as she tests her freedom; you'll hear from her soon enough.

    In the meantime, go to a movie, out to dinner, join and look through the pics and profiles for the man of your dreams. Buy some 800 tc sheets and put them on your bed in case you are lucky enough to meet him. :cutie_pie:

    HOORAY, you are gaining some true freedom!

  13. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Suz, my friend, I have missed your wisdom! :laughing: DDD
  14. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    I agree with Jane and Star. They both said what I wanted to say better than I could.

    She'll come around Mom. She's just got some growing up to do. And you need to get used to her being out of the house and learn to enjoy it.

  15. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    Yes i kinda agree with Mrs. McNear. My daughter the easy child child went through a stage where nothing I could do made any difference - she didnt want to be with me - so I just left it at that - i waited for her to call me and went on with my life - now she calls a lot more and we do things together because she wants to - not visa versa. She will get the picture sooner or later.
  16. Star*

    Star* call 911

    800 ct. thread sheets??????????? Talk about ice skating!

    Nice one Suz - :tongue:
  17. Abbey

    Abbey Spork Queen

    I like what you said and how you said it. I think it is sort of like being in a love relationship--if you go chasing after the guy and you are waiting around for him to call, etc. he feels smothered. The minute you demonstrate that you have your own life that does not revolve around him he is running after you.

    Honestly, I think that is what we found. Unfortunately, it was years in the making. But, when J realized we were not digging the Earth to help him, nor anyone else, he seems to be making some progress. It's hard to watch.

    Good luck to you.