Guess who "may" be a great grandmother.

[DDD]

Another life suprise for me. Via FB friends of the Mom decided to inform difficult child#1 that he has an eight year old daughter. Lordy. The timing jives with a rehab stay he had out of town (the first and poor rehab center) where the "residents ran the center" which included sex. Good Grief...is there no end to this?

He blocked the access to his FB page. No idea why the Mom's friends decided to reach out to him now. Care to guess how much of an emotional tailspin this has caused for him? He is so fragile lately, has been really trying his best (not normal best but his best) and now he has a new mega issue to internalize and keep him on the rollercoaster. Me? I'm still going with the flow and placing one foot in front of the other. What do I expect to happen? Sadly I expect that we are heading down the coaster again. DDD

 

[PatriotsGirl]

Eight years old??? See, this type of thing makes me SO mad!!!! I cannot stand when women have children and do not tell the dad. My husband most likely has another son out there that he has never met. When he was a lot younger, he was seeing a girl, they broke up, she ended up pregnant and had a boy. He knows the timing and said the child looked just like him. She still swore it was not his child but my husband is pretty sure she was lying. I can understand not wanting a relationship, but to deprive a parent and a child of a relationship is just WRONG.

 

[susiestar]

((((((((((hugs))))))))))

I am SO SORRY. This has got to be super hard for him as well as for the rest of the family. I hope that the daughter is healthy and happy and well cared for. Vent all you need to = this must be so hard!

It is just wrong to do this to a child but for a lot of people the baby/child isn't a real person anymore than their parents and sblings were. they were just extensions of the difficult child. Whatever happens I hope it is what is best for the child and is not a hardship on YOU and husband. in my opinion a mother who doesn't tell the father about a child should face some really heavy punishments except in cases of rape/abuse.

 

[DDD]

Since they "met" in substance abuse she "may" have decided to protect her child by going it alone. He saw her once maybe eighteen months after they "met" and she was clean and working. It's possible. It's possible the child exists, it's possible he is the Dad. He doesn't know. Doesn't it seem strange that two of her friends would have popped up on FB with the story; however, if it wasn't true? I really wonder what caused that contact. She has never made contact and I suppose it's possible that she told her friends that they could. OR they decided to do it on their own.

Even though he and I are joined at the hip...I have detached alot more than it seems I have. I'm not in emotional turmoil over this latest crisis. Like you all I hope the little girl is happy, well cared for and well. He does care about children and they are drawn to him like magnets. He's handsome, funny, and caring. on the other hand, he is a brain damaged substance abuser with almost no income and a questionable future. Guess time will tell what, if anything, he does about it. He hasn't opened up his emotional turmoil from his teen years yet so I'm expecting this possible issue will be stifled too. It's such a shame. Thanks. DDD

 

[Nancy]

What a shock. The rehab center difficult child was in is highly recommended and connected to one of the most well respected hospitals in the country. And yet the residents found a way to ignore the rules and fraternize with the opposite sex. I am sure more than a few pregnancies resulted just from the sixty days difficult child was there. In fact I am quite sure that difficult child contracted herpes from a resident there. I think rehab centers should be single sex, although I'm sure that will bring problems of its own.

I'm sorry he had to find out that way, and it may not even be true. Do you think she will be asking for support? What are his thoughts about this? Does he want a paternity test?

Nancy

 

[DDD]

It was an adolescent substance abuse center that HAD had a good reputation. I didn't know they had changed leadership which translated meant no leadership. Boy I rue the day. It truly made him worse.

He is ignoring the issue, Nancy. One of his biggest problems is that he ignores or stifles anything that is traumatic and moves on carrying more and more baggage over the years...and drowning his sorrows. husband and I still can't believe that he is living his life avoiding reality but between the substance abuse and the Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI) results he just does not seem able to "man up". He carries guilt, sadness, remorse etc. inside and it's preventing him from moving on.

My two fears are that (l) he may get "liquid courage" and explore the validity of the claims AND (2) he may share the news with GFGmom which would be a you-know-whatin disaster for everyone involved. She is a loose canon and I know just as sure as I know my name she would pursue it to "see" her grandchild. Major, major bummer. DDD

 

[Hound dog]

Well..........it may be better for him to ignore the issue. I'd be hesitant to take "friends" word that a child is his. There could be all sorts of motives behind such claims and that bio mom has never bothered to mention it to him probably says much more than people think. In this day and age, I'd imagine if the child was his, he'd know about it already. Because if the mom used any sort of welfare, she has to reveal the birth father so they can collect support. And let's face it, if this girl was in the same place as difficult child she has the same issues as difficult child and so would likely have been using welfare at some point if she's raising the child. Welfare has gotten rather anal about such things in recent years.

So you might want to mention that to difficult child if he wants to investigate the rumors. Odds are the girl tried for welfare, gave a list of suspected fathers.....and they got a dna match up with someone else. Which would explain why he was never told.

I'm pessimistic unless proven otherwise.

 

[KTMom91]

Lisa has a good point...I'm just sorry difficult child is reacting badly to this news. Hope he's able to get the real story before he makes any kind of decision. Hugs.

 

[DDD]

Tell you the truth my gut tells me that it likely is true. on the other hand I absolutely am not going to bring the subject up with him. If he talks to me...I'll listen. Ten years ago or so I don't believe that a list of possible bios was required. I think that the Mom only had to say I was into substance abuse at the time I got pg and I honestly have no idea. Followed by, "once I discovered I was going to have a baby I got my act together and am clean". That's how it was when I was a GAL in our State around that time.

I did warn him not to share with GFGmom. He replied "I know better than that." But she "gets off" on sharing personal stuff with him and soliciting info back. You all would get gray hair if I listed even some of the stuff she says. He knows she is a loose canon. on the other hand she is his Mom....and has always acted like his peer. I'm praying that she can't ruin any more lives. No little girls deserves her as a Mom or as a Grandma. Sigh. DDD

PS: Her daughter is very close to that age and GFGmom would immediately look forward to having them be BFF.

 

[Hound dog]

((hugs))

Let's hope he can keep those lips zipped then.

 

[buddy]

Since they "met" in substance abuse she "may" have decided to protect her child by going it alone. He saw her once maybe eighteen months after they "met" and she was clean and working. It's possible. It's possible the child exists, it's possible he is the Dad. He doesn't know. Doesn't it seem strange that two of her friends would have popped up on FB with the story; however, if it wasn't true? I really wonder what caused that contact. She has never made contact and I suppose it's possible that she told her friends that they could. OR they decided to do it on their own.

Even though he and I are joined at the hip...I have detached alot more than it seems I have. I'm not in emotional turmoil over this latest crisis. Like you all I hope the little girl is happy, well cared for and well. He does care about children and they are drawn to him like magnets. He's handsome, funny, and caring. on the other hand, he is a brain damaged substance abuser with almost no income and a questionable future. Guess time will tell what, if anything, he does about it. He hasn't opened up his emotional turmoil from his teen years yet so I'm expecting this possible issue will be stifled too. It's such a shame. Thanks. DDD

What a huge issue to have to struggle through. I feel for him. Could it be that the little girl is starting to ask so many questions that the mom is re-thinking her plan? she is certainly at an age to go through something like that. It is all guesswork I suppose until someone actually makes a move...
So sad he found out this way, it is just not right.

 

[DDD]

I remember her. She was a darling blond girl who had that same "restless" and "hyper" traits about her that he had. If I recall from family night get togethers her parents were caring hardworking people. There is some comfort in knowing or believing that "if" the child belongs to our family that she has a family in Orlando who likely love her to death. The ball is in his court. Back in the day he was able to handle any ball in his court. We'll see what happens. DDD

 

[rejectedmom]

DDD. I am sorry about this latest development. It is not fair that he is finding out eight years later but as you say it is his decision whether he acts on the info or not. Here is hoping he doesn't tell biomom. Ug what a mess that could be. -RM

 

[klmno]

Ok- hold on- I conceived my son over 15 yrs ago and there was no "this is the father, go blame him" aspect to it. His father never showed at the hospital and in the state we were in, that meant his father walked. Most men- sorry DDD- will take the stance "out of sight; out of mind". If the man really cares if the baby is his and that is going to make a difference in how the man deals with it, then a good man steps up to the plate, takes a test, and finds out- Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI), PTSD, (insert whatever) or not.

Yes, my son's father most definitely was told by me that he had conceived a child. Men in these situations typically choose to tell their families that they weren't aware and blame the female. Seriously- aren't parents of difficult children aware of this?

I'm sorry you are having to deal with this but that doesn't relinquish his responsibility- to find out if it's biologically his child and to take care of it if it is. It doesn't matter if he has a Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI). He knew what he was doing. Sorry- but males aren't that dumb even if they are mentally challenged.

I'd almost bet money that my difficult child's 'grandparents' on his father's side' have taken a stance that they stuck by their son thru his difficult child years, being in jail, and going thru 2 bad marriages, and they won't deal with "this problem"- especially if he doesn't want to talk about it- because that could make things awkward for all their family.

Gee thanks- where does that leave my son?

 

[Signorina]

Oh wow - life is a roller coaster. I find it odd that she didn't tell him directly. Makes me think that her "friends" are just nosy and fishing. 8 years is a long time not to tell. {{hugs}}

 

[DDD]

It's a complex situation, klmno. There are so many factors that are unknown...including primarily whether or not it is true. If you completey disregard that he is a brain damaged alcoholic who is unemployed and has a bunch of unresolved issues there are other factors. Is the Mom still into substance abuse too? How vulnerable is the little girl? Is she securely attached to her Mom and grandparents and "friends" just think she should have a good looking Daddy and possibly some money with-o regard to the Mom's wishes? If the Mom contacted him directly it would be a diferent set of circumstances.

Also, as you may remember, his Daddy came into his life at around that age. The Stepmom insisted on a blood test and then played the role. difficult child#1 was incorporated into their life via church attendance weekly, inclusion in their dinner parties (they were so proud of his appearance, personality and manners) and then WHAMMO! Without any forewarning Daddy and family picked up and moved away with no forwarding address and no phone contact. This rejection coincided with other emotional traumas and in less than a year he was in juvie/drinking/smoking pot. When his Dad found out that he was on the verge of death he called and asked to "see his son". A year later they spoke on the phone for about an hour and that was it.

We have always believed he would be a good Dad. But he knows that being a Dad is not easy and that a poor Dad is worse than no Dad at all. Think of all the people in our CD family who have kids visiting difficult child non custodial parents. Sometimes it is better for a child not to have a Dad in their life. He is a self described "x up" who is strugging to make some improvements in his life. If Mom is struggling also the pressure would derail his minimal progress.

Bottom line....unless he decides to pursue it I'm leaving it alone. If he opts to make contact we will have his back. I absolutely know that he does not want to cause harm. Last night I found myself thinking "this could really help him make progress". Whamo. Then, very very quickly, I realized my thinking was skewed. The best interests of the child needs to be determined by the Mom. DDD

 

[klmno]

I agree with all you just said, DDD, and don't have time right now to write in depth so briefly put, while we do need to think of whether or not a bio-parent can and will be a good role model and positive force in a child's life, I still think at some point in time the child has a right to know who conceived him/her and no man should "conceive and walk" and go the rest of his life pretending the child isn't his. It's a sad situation in your difficult child's case and the child's case and I agree that it's up to him to decide how to proceed. I'll just throw out that my son already knows that no matter what circumstances a child might be conceived, if there's any doubt that he could be the bio-dad, I expect him to take a test and determine one way or another.