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<blockquote data-quote="Estherfromjerusalem" data-source="post: 414284" data-attributes="member: 77"><p>I do feel guilt over one specific thing, and that is that I didn't find the correct treatment for my difficult child's encopresis immediately, and in the end it carried on for nine years and ruined his life for all those nine years, and in my opinion made his difficult child-ness much more severe. With hindsight I now know what I should have done, but at the time I truly did the best I could.</p><p></p><p>As for all the rest -- because of the encopresis, and because of a lovely small support group through the e-mail that I joined for parents of kids with encopresis (before I found this wonderful support group), I learned that the true bottom bottom line of dealing with any child, but especially with difficult children, is to let them know that they are loved. I know that once I was able to express this to my child (and I'm not the sort of mother who tells her children "I love you"), somehow the guilt took on a different proportion and was no longer as disturbing as before. And funnily enough, today with eight children, my difficult child is the only one who says to me "I love you" and to whom I can also say that.</p><p></p><p>And I mention that, because although I knew my parents loved me and my sisters, I do not remember once being told that they loved me, and I don't remember once being hugged, or stroked, hardly even being touched. I know, they had their own problems, but I think that was a real lack as parents. It was only when my fifth child was being looked after a carer when I went out to work, and that carer and I became very close friends, that she showed me how to touch and hug my children. That is the honest truth. My oldest was seven years old then, and to this day her relationship with me is cooler than that of the others. However hard I try, there's a barrier there that doesn't exist with most of the other children. But honestly, I don't feel guilty about it because I just didn't know any better at the time.</p><p></p><p>I don't think it is possible to bring up even "perfect children" without there being things one regrets. It is impossible to get everything right all the time with children. And how much more so with difficult children. But what Star wrote is spot on: As long as one is trying to do the best one can for one's child -- well, that's all that can be expected. And while bringing up children, one is constantly confronted with dilemmas and having to make decisions, and we just try hard to make the right decisions for our children and for ourselves.</p><p></p><p>Well, look who's talking! I shouldn't really talk about guilt. Do you know how many jokes there are about Jewish mothers and guilt!!! You can start with the lightbulb jokes and carry on from there, so I'll shut up now.</p><p></p><p>Hope you feel better about things soon.</p><p></p><p>Love, Esther</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Estherfromjerusalem, post: 414284, member: 77"] I do feel guilt over one specific thing, and that is that I didn't find the correct treatment for my difficult child's encopresis immediately, and in the end it carried on for nine years and ruined his life for all those nine years, and in my opinion made his difficult child-ness much more severe. With hindsight I now know what I should have done, but at the time I truly did the best I could. As for all the rest -- because of the encopresis, and because of a lovely small support group through the e-mail that I joined for parents of kids with encopresis (before I found this wonderful support group), I learned that the true bottom bottom line of dealing with any child, but especially with difficult children, is to let them know that they are loved. I know that once I was able to express this to my child (and I'm not the sort of mother who tells her children "I love you"), somehow the guilt took on a different proportion and was no longer as disturbing as before. And funnily enough, today with eight children, my difficult child is the only one who says to me "I love you" and to whom I can also say that. And I mention that, because although I knew my parents loved me and my sisters, I do not remember once being told that they loved me, and I don't remember once being hugged, or stroked, hardly even being touched. I know, they had their own problems, but I think that was a real lack as parents. It was only when my fifth child was being looked after a carer when I went out to work, and that carer and I became very close friends, that she showed me how to touch and hug my children. That is the honest truth. My oldest was seven years old then, and to this day her relationship with me is cooler than that of the others. However hard I try, there's a barrier there that doesn't exist with most of the other children. But honestly, I don't feel guilty about it because I just didn't know any better at the time. I don't think it is possible to bring up even "perfect children" without there being things one regrets. It is impossible to get everything right all the time with children. And how much more so with difficult children. But what Star wrote is spot on: As long as one is trying to do the best one can for one's child -- well, that's all that can be expected. And while bringing up children, one is constantly confronted with dilemmas and having to make decisions, and we just try hard to make the right decisions for our children and for ourselves. Well, look who's talking! I shouldn't really talk about guilt. Do you know how many jokes there are about Jewish mothers and guilt!!! You can start with the lightbulb jokes and carry on from there, so I'll shut up now. Hope you feel better about things soon. Love, Esther [/QUOTE]
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