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Guilty.....again
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<blockquote data-quote="New Leaf" data-source="post: 764023" data-attributes="member: 19522"><p>Hi Cora,</p><p>I am so sorry for your need to be here, but glad that you have shared your story and received kindness and good advice.</p><p></p><p>I have had requests of this sort from my daughter, “supervised release” they called it. I had to say no as well. I had already promised myself that she would no longer be living with me. It would just end up more of the “same ole same ole”. Not going down that road again. It still doesn’t make it any easier to say no. In reality, my adult daughters never got better staying with us. They kept spiraling down and took us all with them. </p><p></p><p>Ugh. The demands. Been there, done that, too. It’s hard Cora. But after so many years dealing with the craziness, I realized <em>someone</em> had to break the pattern. It wasn’t going to be my daughter, so it had to be me. I had to stand firm. Good for you in sticking with your very sane decision.</p><p></p><p>I understand that stress completely. This is your home, your sanctuary. When our wayward adult kids live with us, our homes become war zones. That’s unacceptable.</p><p></p><p>Your decision was not harsh. We have to see the writing on the wall and protect ourselves, our peace of mind, our homes. We are also helping our adult children to avail themselves of resources out there that will <em>truly</em> help them, instead of them helping themselves to our resources, taking advantage of us. That level of expectation, entitlement and disrespect does nothing to help them move forward.</p><p></p><p>Hiding valuables, sleeping with car keys because we locked our wallets and what not in the car. The list goes on. I had two heirloom rings from my Nana go missing. ( Had those since childhood and wanted to pass down to my granddaughter.) It was absolute insanity. Came home from work one day to find my eldest daughters street friends just hanging out. More than once. There are so many more instances where I felt like my home and life were hijacked by my two wayward daughters choices.</p><p></p><p>It does sound awful, but I feel the same way. We are not dealing with ordinary circumstances, because of our adult children’s lifestyles. It makes perfect sense to set healthy boundaries for ourselves, and them. One saying that helps me sort through and process the emotions of dealing with two adult daughters making terrible choices is this “What you allow, will continue.” I still have to work really hard at drawing the line. But, as time passes I am learning to cope a little better, to feel less guilt about saying no. Love says no. Strengthening ourselves, shifting focus and changing relationship patterns is imperative for our own physical and mental health. Our children are adults and will do as they please. They have established that with their actions. We have no control over their choices, but we do have control over our own response. Living a life of fear, obligation and guilt is not acceptable. It’s no way to live.</p><p>Keep strong Mama. You are on the right path for yourself and your son. Hang in there.</p><p>Much love and (((Hugs)))</p><p>New Leaf</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="New Leaf, post: 764023, member: 19522"] Hi Cora, I am so sorry for your need to be here, but glad that you have shared your story and received kindness and good advice. I have had requests of this sort from my daughter, “supervised release” they called it. I had to say no as well. I had already promised myself that she would no longer be living with me. It would just end up more of the “same ole same ole”. Not going down that road again. It still doesn’t make it any easier to say no. In reality, my adult daughters never got better staying with us. They kept spiraling down and took us all with them. Ugh. The demands. Been there, done that, too. It’s hard Cora. But after so many years dealing with the craziness, I realized [I]someone[/I] had to break the pattern. It wasn’t going to be my daughter, so it had to be me. I had to stand firm. Good for you in sticking with your very sane decision. I understand that stress completely. This is your home, your sanctuary. When our wayward adult kids live with us, our homes become war zones. That’s unacceptable. Your decision was not harsh. We have to see the writing on the wall and protect ourselves, our peace of mind, our homes. We are also helping our adult children to avail themselves of resources out there that will [I]truly[/I] help them, instead of them helping themselves to our resources, taking advantage of us. That level of expectation, entitlement and disrespect does nothing to help them move forward. Hiding valuables, sleeping with car keys because we locked our wallets and what not in the car. The list goes on. I had two heirloom rings from my Nana go missing. ( Had those since childhood and wanted to pass down to my granddaughter.) It was absolute insanity. Came home from work one day to find my eldest daughters street friends just hanging out. More than once. There are so many more instances where I felt like my home and life were hijacked by my two wayward daughters choices. It does sound awful, but I feel the same way. We are not dealing with ordinary circumstances, because of our adult children’s lifestyles. It makes perfect sense to set healthy boundaries for ourselves, and them. One saying that helps me sort through and process the emotions of dealing with two adult daughters making terrible choices is this “What you allow, will continue.” I still have to work really hard at drawing the line. But, as time passes I am learning to cope a little better, to feel less guilt about saying no. Love says no. Strengthening ourselves, shifting focus and changing relationship patterns is imperative for our own physical and mental health. Our children are adults and will do as they please. They have established that with their actions. We have no control over their choices, but we do have control over our own response. Living a life of fear, obligation and guilt is not acceptable. It’s no way to live. Keep strong Mama. You are on the right path for yourself and your son. Hang in there. Much love and (((Hugs))) New Leaf [/QUOTE]
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