Had a very traumatic day today with difficult child

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by GuideMe, Aug 10, 2014.

  1. GuideMe

    GuideMe Active Member

    What's sad is, it happens quite often. I am going to let all you ladies and gentleman know, I don't know how much more I can take. I need help. I need a lot of help. I need someone to talk to me and then tell me what's going on. My difficult child is out of control and taking me down with her. I am trapped in Stockholm syndrome with her. And due to my own mental illness, my life is just hell. Pure hell. If you all just seen what happened today, you would be besides yourselves. I just don't even have the energy to explain it all. Please help me God. Please help me. Stop forsaking me and my child. Why does everyone else have such a good life and I sit here alone and in despair for so many years? It's not only her, she is just a recent issue. My life has been cursed since the day I was born. I am in deep despair. Lord, please help, just help ME AND MY DAUGHTER!!!! STOP CURSING US!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Hi. Please calm down. Or as my shirt says ;) "Keep Calm and Walk the Dog."

    You are not alone. Many of us, myself included, had some tough times in life and I was born with many disabilities that put me at a disadvantage from Day One. I have mental illness too. On this forum, you are NOT alone.

    I believe in a higher power, something much bigger than me, and that we have chosen our paths as challenges to overcome, as improbable as it sometimes seems. Since you also have a higher power, believe that He is trying to teach you both and lean into your pain, don't resist it. Accept it and take it for what it is...and then maybe do something different to try to change it.

    Remember that we all have free will. If we make mistakes, we can learn from them and correct them so that we don't do it again. If we keep repeating the mistakes, we are not learning. "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again that doesn't work."

    I do not know what your problems are now, but you deserve a good life, just like all of us do. And to have a good life sometimes we have to change the way we look at our challenges and change the way we THINK about our challenges too. I have had to start all over and begin again, looking at life in a totally new way. If not, I'd have ended up sixty and stressed and sick and old...just like I felt thirty years ago, even though I wasn't sixty. Here are some changes I made that helped me enormously. As with everything else, take advice you find useful and throw the rest in the trash. This is YOUR life and YOUR walk. We can share, but we can't force.

    1. After much denial, was ready to face that my beloved first child had been born with a rather negative, self-destructive and not-so-nice disposition and is basically...(this was hard for me because I value selflessness)....selfish. After a good cry when I faced it, I was able to see him in a different way and to stop trying to change him because he is who he is and I can not change him.

    2. Faced who I am and the mistakes I made. Joined a Twelve Step meeting called Coda pendents Anonymous where I learned things, such as that my abusive husband is not allowed to abuse me just because he had/has a chronic and incurable illness that could shorten his life. That nobody has a right to abuse me, even if they are sick, even if they are my family. This took me a long time to accept. I rejected it at first and considered those who told me to not accept it to be cold-hearted jerks who didn't care about their loved ones.

    3. I had to learn to put myself first, which goes against every grain in my body. I was always a giver, the one who went out of my way for anyone in need, the one who stuffed ten dollar bills in beggar's cups, the one who cried about injustice overseas and always sent my money to a good cause (I have learned to be more careful...that not every good cause is good or even a cause).

    4. I had to fight the urge to think I was cursed too. I had my parents telling me I was a curse to them so it was doubly hard. I had to learn that this was THEIR problem, not mine. I had to, as the family black sheep, learn that they needed me to be their bad guy and that I really was not and to detach from my own family of origin for their sake and mine. I had to learn not to take the thoughts of others as reality. If somebody calls me a selfish jerk, does that mean I am? No, it doesn't. Even if my own adult child calls me one, it doesn't make me one. I have learned to detach from him when he is being.....a selfish jerk???? I call it abusive. When he is abusive, I have learned I can walk away without feeling guilty. This also took a while to learn. I did feel guilty for a long time.

    5. There are times, due to my mood disorder, that I did feel suicidal. I was always in control of my illness and took care of myself and when I would get to the level where I simply could not take it anymore, I continued to take care of my illness and I would go to ER. I hope you do too if it gets that bad. Do not do anything rash. You WILL be glad later that you are here. Take care of yourself. I've been in a psychiatric hospital, once for ten weeks, at a time when they allowed one to heal in a medical setting, and I learned a lot there and got significantly better. Other times I was in for medication adjustment. I admit I have a mental illness and do what is needed to treat it. I hope you do too. If you have a mental illness, you have to be TWICE as good to yourself as somebody who is not ill. Please be sure you contact your psychiatrist, even though it's Sunday, or go to ER, if necessary.

    You are not alone. Everyone does not have an easy life. Some fake an easy life for outsiders. We all have battles to fight and you are here and you are fighting them and we are with you and you can do it. This bears repeating: TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF! If you are suicidal seek the same help you'd seek if you were having a heart attack. And we will all hold your hand and support you.
  3. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Welcome, GuideMe.
    I hope things are better since you wrote that note. I'm glad that you reached out to this community. We've been there done that.
    No need to explain. Here's a cyber {{hugs}}.
  4. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm sorry things are so rough. We have been there done that, like Terry said. There were years I felt I was living in a war zone with my difficult child. It's very important that you take care of you through all of this. It makes everything so much more difficult if you don't take care of you. Sending gentle hugs your way.
  5. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    Dear GuideMe, Hugs to you. You have received very wise input. How old is your daughter?

    I find after a traumatic situation a helpful way to process it is to make plans for the next time. The hardest plan I have had to make was to focus on staying calm and not be pulled into the drama. I am not the best at that. My emotional attachment pulls me down most of the time. As moms, we get more frustrated with our own kids than others. We expect more from them believing they should know better, why are they being so nasty? I try to take the focus off the issue at hand (my child wanting something) and turn to the behavior (tantrum in what ever form). I then address the behavior (I don't care what you want, you can not behave like this and until you settle down, you will not get what you want.) When my daughter was an older teenager, I did tell her several times, "Do not ask anything of me until you can be respectful for one week." That did not mean ignoring me for a week but to actually address me in a respectful manner when speaking to me, not being huffy, etc. It was my way of turning my back on the drama and disrespect while giving her a chance to learn how she is to relate to me.

    I was on this forum a few years ago. My son took us down a very dark path with his anxiety and I seriously spent days crying believing his future would include jail time. His anger was strong as he fought back out of the anxiety to be accepted by his peers. I often thought, "Why was I given kids with these issues?" I honestly did not give my parents any problems and did not know how to deal with disrespectful, disobedient children.

    I just came back on yesterday so do not know the details you are facing. Knowing the age of your daughter will help in giving suggestions as obviously if she is young, the technics used will be different than if she is a teen or young adult.

    There is a lot of true life experience here so feel free to share whenever and whatever you want. We are in this together, no judgements, just here to support.
    As others have stated, you are not alone, we have all been there done that at some point or another.
  6. GuideMe

    GuideMe Active Member

    As of yet, I have not read any replies. I am awake right now with very paranoid thoughts. I gotta get the **** outta here!!!! difficult child is driving me mad!!!
    Last edited: Aug 11, 2014
  7. GuideMe

    GuideMe Active Member

    She is 18!
  8. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    Sounds like you need immediate help for your own mental well being right now. You will be unable to deal with your daughter until you get yourself stronger. Please call you doctor's office now (do you have a psychologist or psychiatrist?) and let the nurse know what emotions you are fighting with.

    You and your daughter may both be feeding into each other's vulnerable emotions. If you can get yourself back on track it might be the first step in getting her back on track.

    Being 18 is so difficult these days. She may be struggling with watching others her age making fun, exciting plans for college, etc. and feels scared and alone as she does not feel ready for that level of independence. She takes everything out on you and makes poor choices to cover her negative feelings about life not being fair to her.

    A psychologist may be able to help you understand the dynamics of your relationship with her and give you tools to help both of you.

    I am a writer. I like to put things in writing and find that in the ugliest times journaling has helped me. When my difficult child has a therapist (psychologist) or psychiatrist (psychiatrist) appointment, I always have a written report to present. It covers events since the last appointment, what lead up to the situation, how the situation played out, and how I saw difficult child felt and/or myself felt before/during/after the event. I would often include a question such as, "What can we do to avoid this next time?"

    Writing things down is also helpful to remind me at an appointment of everything I want to bring up as I find myself safe and content in the doctors office making my fears and concerns seem to diminish in severity so I either forget them or tell myself they are not serious enough to bring up.

    Please keep in touch!
  9. GuideMe

    GuideMe Active Member

    Andy and everyone else, thank you so much. The over whelming sadness from the state of our lives can consume anyone. I worry for my daughter every day and I do remember what it's like to be a teenager, sometimes it's just so hard to remember. Thank you so much for your kind words. It's just so hard to watch everyone else (except for here) not to go through the problems we go through. And then they judge on top of it. What are you going to do except pray that one day, you will wake up, and difficult child changes into the beautiful person that she is and meant to be, makes all the right decisions and is happy and the past will just seem like a dream. It's just so easy for people now to get into trouble with all the temptation that bombards them on a daily basis.
  10. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    Keep your focus on her good qualities. Try to pull those out whenever possible. Remind her of what makes you proud when you get a chance.

    With Diva, I was constantly encouraging her to be herself. To look at her choices and decide if she really wanted to follow the path of the choice she chose. I did not demand she do things my way or make the choices I knew was best because I knew deep down she wanted to make good choices. If I give her the power to decide how her life would go, she would eventually make it through. If I demanded she make a certain choice then she would purposely go the opposite as a way of rebelling. I wanted her to look at where she wanted to go regardless of what I thought. It is a gamble yet I saw her potential and felt for her sake that was the way to go. I think it has worked out well unless she is hiding stuff from me?