Had an interesting, if gutwrenching therapy appointment

[janebrain]

Hi Janet,
I only have a moment to write before I leave for an appointment. but wanted to tell you I don't think you are to blame! I have belonged to 2 groups for parents of borderline kids for quite some time and none of these parents are abusive--that is not the up-to-date info on what "causes" borderline personality disorder. For too long it has been solely blamed on an abusive childhood. The more recent research is indicating genetic factors. Too many therapists are not well versed in Borderline (BPD) and are still blaming the parents. Please do not accept the blame if your child does have the disorder!
Thinking of you,
Jane

 

[SearchingForRainbows]

Janet,

Although I'm new here, I read your post and all the responses and just had to let you know that your post made me so SAD. I agree with the others who said that you are being too hard on yourself. As so many of the others said, you did the best you could with the hand you were dealt. in my opinion, it definitely IS NOT YOUR FAULT that Cory is the way he is. Please take care of yourself. WFEN

 

[lordhelpme]

{{{HUGS}}} you can sit there and blame yourself and agonize over what you might have done to contribute to your difficult child's problems or you can come to the realization that it has happened, can't be changed and that you are doing the best for him now.

i also think it is a crock to say that you 'can't have it both ways' when clearly you were abused. both you and difficult child had the genetic propencity(sp?) towards these disorders, they are not just abuse related, my difficult child is evidence of that.

you truly need to keep your 'therapy' separate from difficult child's. you are two different people and comparisions will not do either of you any good, in my humble opinion.

 

[DazedandConfused]

This is the question I would like to pose: If a parenting skills can be blamed for bring out a personality disorder, can parenting skills also take credit for preventing it from immerging?

If one can point fingers for the bad, then they should get applause for the good.

I don’t think there is ever anything wrong with examining our parenting skills and how we react to our difficult children. However, each one is different, as this board will attest to. I understand the predisposition in the genes to mental illness, and I would agree that our parenting, and reactions, to our children (not just difficult children) could make a difficult situation even worse. I don’t think I’m ready to lay all the blame at the feet of parents.

I’m a child of a difficult child Dad, and a Mother that mostly tried to appease him to the detriment of her children because she married him at the age of fourteen. He threatened her with stealing us away if she ever left him and he hit her. In short, he was a cruel man and a horrible father. Out of his children, I got the brunt of the cruelty. He beat me and stole from me. Even when I was an adult he tried to get me in trouble with the IRS over his money issues. The man would have thrown me under a bus if he though he would get some $$$ out of it. He died alone last year. I hadn’t spoken to him in over five years. The silence being over ANOTHER broken promise to give me some cherished family pictures that he, instead, gave to my sister (who once finding out about his promise promptly gave them to me). I don’t know why and I will never know why he did what he did. Geez, he was an SOB!

I was easy child kid and remain a responsible adult and a good (so I like to think) parent. Does he get to take credit for that?? If gets blame for the GFGness of my siblings as kids, and adults, (drugs-selling and using, stealing, running away, other crime, and jail) then he should equally get the credit for my being a decent person who kept her nose clean. I had mental issues, that is for sure and was depressed for most of my teens and early twenties. I still have terrible anxiety. Especially went going out in public, but I want to LIVE and experience what is out in the world. So, I made the choice not let the anxiety stop me. difficult children have choices too. Both of my “former” difficult child siblings have turned their lives around. Our Dad, though, never, ever, acknowledged what an awful parent he was. Our Mom has faced her role in our upbringing, but our family has made the decision to move on. My Mom still has guilt. I may sound harsh, but it’s her burden to carry. We, as a family, don’t want to visit the past, other than positive experiences, anymore.

Ironically, I remember reading, “And I Don’t Want to Live This Life” by Deborah Spungen years ago before I had my difficult children. Her parenting skills were always in question. She was mostly blamed by the professionals for her daughter Nancy’s (of Sensory Integration Disorder (SID) and Nancy fame) mental health issues. Yet, as she would point out, she had two easy child that grew up to be fine (other than have PTSD from their difficult child sibling). Why didn’t the professionals take that into consideration? I know that was years ago and some progress has been made, but that type of thinking is still out there.

Janet, I think you will probably come to your own conclusions about your parenting and how it affected your difficult children. I know I have made mistakes with my difficult children. Generally, though, I was neck-deep in their GFGness before I realized it wasn’t JUST the way I parented them. I take responsibility for my mistakes, but not for the choices THEY had the power to make for themselves.


(((hugs)))

 

[SuzyfromTexas]

Dazed and Confused hit the nail on the head, in my opinion.

DammitJanet, you inspired me a few days with your story on your marine. I hope my Alex as an adult turns out as great (I think he will!)

 

[Martie]

Dazedand Confuzed;

I have a parallel that illustrates EXACTLY what you are saying but on a less loaded topic of child development than emotional and behavioral problems:

When easy child wasa baby/toddler, she had an expressive language delay. I worked full time and had in-home care for her. Over and over I heard that she wasn't talking because I worked. She also walked entirely unaided a 8 months and ran at 10 months without falling. Everytime someone would "blame" the language delay on my working, I would take credit for the early motor skills as being due to my working outside the home.

I got some very strange looks, some people even said, "There can't be a relationship between early motor skills and your working..." Tehrefore, by their logic, parents are a causal agent for delays but not accelerations??? That's not too logical...

In fact in my opinion, NEITHER of easy child's behaviors was related to my working but I was very able to get my point across with this contrast.

Touche!

Martie

 

[flutterbee]

in my opinion genetics are HUGE. I know a girl with Borderline (BPD) - pretty severe case, too - with no history of childhood abuse or anything even remotely close. It's really how we're wired. Two people can witness the same incident and come away with two completely different experiences. One could be compeletely traumatized and the other barely phased. It really does play into what we are predisposed to. Yes, environment can and does play a factor, but I have always believed that biology is the biggest factor at play.

As parents, we beat ourselves up over everything anyway - even those with only easy child's. As parents of difficult child's we tend to do so even more. Yes, you have struggled with your issues for a long time. But it is obvious that you made a concious effort - and a successful one at that - to be a good parent. That is all any of us can really do.

It's interesting - the timing of this. I see difficult child's therapist individually from time to time and she was getting some history on me. My mother was far from perfect. My brother and I were last on her list of priorities. My therapist was talking about that and I told her that I just don't buy into the psychology of blaming the parents for everything (cases of abuse I believe are different - but I hope you get what I'm saying). At some point we become adults and responsible for our own actions, decisions, and happiness.

 

[mattsmom27]

Janet, I feel your pain in realizing you haven't been perfect. I also see such a gift you have given yourself, realizing that you had to parent without the role model of a good parent yourself, with your history and abuse and desire to do better for your kids. So you weren't perfect, that is a hard thing for most of us to finally realize, what is perfect? I haven't seen it in anyone.
You are a courageous woman. You realize your difficulties, you realize that they impacted your children, you acknowledge this to yourself and your children, and you want even better for them and their children.
So really what has been accomplished in these hard to realize realizations? That you have overcome! You had no parenting, you have a history filled with pain and abuse and yet you did better. Not perfect, but better. You changed the legacy, despite any flaws in your parenting. Your kids will do even better, they learned from your efforts not that you made mistakes, but that despite mistakes you did better and they benefited from your efforts, and they can learn from your mistakes the way you learned from your mothers.
I have only on a few occassions discussed my life, my childhood, in detail. You and I are very similar Janet, our lives, our mothers for sure. I felt every painful word of your description of the way you were mistreated. I could almost hear the echos of my own mothers voice saying some of those things. I could see your life parallell to mine with the physical abuse, right to the burns. We are kindred spirits I believe Janet.
You have done amazing for yourself. You are battling your own history, your own parenting, your past. You are coping with your own mental health issues. You are trying to break a pattern with your children. And Janet, you are doing it!!! Your children were gifted with you as a mother Janet. You love your children, and mistakes made are just that, mistakes. They do NOT define you Janet. Your motives, your honesty, your desires for your childrens lives to be wonderful and prosperous and happy are what define you Janet.
I define you Warrior Mom and Warrior Woman. You may doubt your own strength sometimes, and I know you are having a hard time right now dealing with beauracracy for helping yourself etc. But you keep going every day. You are a force to be reckoned with Janet, your strength is inspiring. I often read your posts and wonder "can she leap tall buildings too?". Because Janet, you truly define "parent". You have your own issues going on but your kids remain forefront in your mind, in your heart.
Don't ever sell yourself short Janet. You are a remarkable woman and you are not defined by your history or your mistakes.

Melissa

 

[DammitJanet]

Thanks guys. I truly wasnt meaning that I entirely caused Corys problems...heck even I am not that powerful! (Though if the PE members will remember a post a while back I took credit for all wrongs in the world...from hurricanes to the war...lmao)

Number one, this kid does have another parent in his life. Number two, genetics does play a strong part but of course, there that does come from me...lmao.

I do feel I got a double whammy. I was genetically predisposed to bipolar and I was abused by my mom and then abused by the babysitter then raped at 18. I will never know what my life would have been like if I had grown up in a normal home or if I had grown up later when treatment had been available. Back then kids were simply incorrigible.

 

[Fran]

You have a lot of affection from the site. It wouldn't be there if you weren't so open and allow yourself to be vulnerable.
We do the best we can with what tools and abilities we have. I hope you find some peace with knowing where you came from and where you are going. You did better than what was done to you.

 

[Hound dog]

Janet

I went thru a similar experience with N when she was in the psychiatric hospital last summer. Her psychiatrist there and I were discussing the borderline diagnosis, and how I just couldn't come up with a bit of trauma in her boring normal childhood to account for it.

I went thru a childhood similar to yours. So in comparison, my kids grew up in heaven. lol Although I've made more than my fair share of mistakes too.

psychiatrist picked up on the one thing I would never have thought of, my kidney disease. My kids know it is terminal. I don't hide it from them. There isn't much point. But I've been dealing with the disease since before N was born. It is as much a part of my life now as anything else. psychiatrist asks if I have spent alot of time in hospital or under a docs care during N's childhood, especially early childhood? Well, yeah. Of course. But that couldn't be it cuz easy child and T are just fine.
As we talked and she showed it to me from a very young child's perspective, I got it.

It wasn't so easy a truth to swallow. And I started doubting my decision to be honest with my kids about my disease....... And yep, I felt guilty. But psychiatrist helped me realize that there really wasn't much I could've done different. I delt with what life handed me the best I could. But we are all different and evidently N was more susceptable to the truama than her sibs. Very possible because of the bipolar. (definately early onset)

We can only do our best.

(((hugs)))

 

[1905]

I cried when I read your post. My mother was equal to yours. I wonder how my life would be different if I had been loved and cherished. My difficult children relationship to us, how would that be different? My mother would call difficult child and tell him not to listen to me-encouraging his behavior to me, and tell him to say things that she always says. When your mom told other people horrible things about you she was just exposing herself as the monster she is. Personally I am a 40-year old anorexic.I never weighed over 100 pounds from age 15-34.At age 34 I got sick and tried to stay at 110, but recently it's gotten away from me again.I think servere damage was done to me as a child by her constant abuse. My whole feeling about myself depends on what I weigh, and what I eat each day.I know its wrong. But I can't help it. I feel crazy. I'm not sure if it is because of the horrors I lived through coupled with the fact that my brain isn't wired correctly. But I think so . I know I showed love, support and cherished my children, encouraging them to be and do whatever they wanted to be happy. I think I must have passed some type of genetic mental problems to difficult child. You did cherish and love your kids, and thats all any kid really needs. Everyone makes mistakes and can look back in hindsight, but I think you are a good, wonderful, loving caring mom.-Alyssa

 

[DammitJanet]

Fran...lol...you dont even know how almost guilty I feel about the replies I have received. I really wasnt looking for sympathy but you guys sure do make me feel loved.

I was just trying to point out how a person can make an impact on a childs life even if you dont realize you are. If you even have an inkling that you may need help, get it. It will help your kid as much as it will help you.

 

[Marguerite]

Janet, I think you are the living example of that. I just wish someone could have done it for you, too, as a child.

Marg

 

[ScentofCedar]

Janet, I haven't read through everything. I apologize if I am repeating something one of the others of us has said.

Those things we are strong enough to acknowledge are the things we will be strong enough to change.

Good therapy is like being reborn, again and again.

Each layer, each set of memories, was buried for a reason. Now, as you reclaim these parts of self, you need to work through the pain that caused you to seal them away in the first place.

The other thing I would say is that no one can tell you what your truth is but you.

No one can heal your misperceptions about yourself but you.

Remember that you have undertaken this journey to heal.

At the end of it, what you will find in your own heart is an intelligent and compassionate being who has survived much trauma and chosen to heal those wounds.

Forgive yourself for having been who were were when these things happened, to you or to someone else. Be grateful that you have learned enough to feel regret about what happened to you ~ or about choices you may have made when you did not know another way to go.

These feelings indicate that you are healing, Janet.

The essential who you are is changing, is starting to see things differently.

Stay with it, Janet.

This is the pain they were talking about when they said there was a price to pay, for freedom, for reclaiming the self.

You can do this.

Barbara