Had dinner with my daughter 2 weeks ago

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Esri, Mar 16, 2015.

  1. Esri

    Esri Member

    First time I've seen her since Xmas. It went well.

    Fast forward 2 weeks, I have tried to maintain contact with her, by email because she hasn't given me her new phone number. She has not contacted me at all and barely replied to my emails.

    I just sent her another email letting her know I was disappointed that she hasn't tried with our relationship. And that I was sad that her drugs and drug friends were more important than us. Just pot, as far as I know. Who knows though?

    She replied with, thanks for not keeping things civil. and I don't need you :censored2:ing at me 24/7 about my choices.

    I need to stop expecting anything from her. I was getting stronger when we weren't talking, now I feel weak and so sad again.

    WTF? Why is she such a brat??

    I need to step way back again.
    I'm so tired of this bs. Why can't I just let go and move on with my life?? I have my youngest daughter to take care of. Why do I continue to put so much energy in a daughter that is disrespectful and clearly doesn't want me in her life??
  2. Lioness

    Lioness Lioness

    Because you are her mother and as most mothers you love her despite her behaviour. As mums we find it hard to cut ourselves off from our children. The pain of a fractured relationship with your child is I know from personal experience unbearable. Try to stay strong. I take great comfort in these forums and that I'am not alone.
  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    She's too old to be a brat. She is telling you that she WILL take drugs, doesn't want your input, and doesn't want you around all the time. You have no choice, but to respect that. I don't know if you talk to her about her lifestyle, but many of us have better luck connecting with our Difficult Child when we accept their lifestyle, as rotten or as immoral as WE find it, and do not discuss it with them. Did you ask about the drugs or bring it up when you were with her? Personally, I wouldn't. There is no point. You may try leaving that out of your conversation entirely next time she contacts you.

    I would not text her about your relationship. She will not respect you at all if she thinks you are waiting by the phone for her or desperate to see her. She needs to know you have your own life without her, although you probably should not contact her at all until she contacts you.

    Are you getting any therapy? Going to Al-Anon? Seeing a private therapist to teach you coping skills during this time and teaching you how to nurture yourself? I think that is VERY important. You can learn to live a wonderful, fun life in spite of your daughter's behavior toward you. She is not you. You are two separate people and many of us have already had to accept that things are not as we wanted them to be with our child, but, man, life is fantastic anyway!!!!!! Many of us are already there and we strive to stay there every day. It gets easier with time and once we accept we can't change our difficult kids. And once we admit they really aren't much fun or very nice people either...we love them, but we don't always like them.

    It does no good to overthink how much we did for our kids when they were growing up. That is our job and responsibility when we decide to have a baby. We raise them until eighteen with no guarantee that they will appreciate us or want us in their lives. You did the right thing and she is now on her own doing what she needs to do, right or wrong. And you can only change yourself and your reaction to her. You can not change her. You can not make her feel grateful to you. Put "radical acceptance" into a search engine and read about it. It is a lifesaver for many of us.

    Hugs and hoping to hear you got help for yourself. Be good to YOU. YOU should be your own best friend.
    Last edited: Mar 16, 2015
  4. Lioness

    Lioness Lioness

    Here, here. Totally agree with Midwestmom. You do need to take care of yourself. It's hard to not think about your daughter but you need to look after yourself. Do things that nurture you for a change.
  5. Childofmine

    Childofmine trying to do this thing one day at a time Staff Member

    Esri, I hear your pain. But Esri, you already know what to do, and you said it very well in your post.

    She's not ready. She's not ready to have a real relationship with give and take, shared love, respect, mutual understanding and healthy boundaries.

    She's not ready for that, and until she is, the relationship would be severely one-sided, with you being the punching bag.

    You don't need that kind of relationship. Having said that, I know you love your daughter, and I understand the pain of giving it another try and getting slapped down again, like you described above.

    Well, Esri, you did try. Knowing you tried is some comfort.

    Step back now, focus on you and your younger daughter, and turn her over to your Higher Power, whatever that Higher Power looks like.

    You can't change another person. The only person you can change is you.

    Warm hugs tonight, Esri. These are hard things to live through, but you already know what to do. You have made progress on this road.
  6. Esri

    Esri Member

    She did. We went back to her house after dinner and she 'proudly' showed me her pipes. She asked, do you want to see my collection? I said do you want to show me? Wasn't sure what to say probably should have said no,
    She showed me and I just said oh. Them she asked if wanted to smoke. ???? I said no.

    Nice. Huh? I'm so proud.

    She had been nothing but disrespectful to me and my family since she moved out with small sprinkles of nice thrown in here and there. Im done. I'm dealing with a 3 day migraine and I know it's because I allow her to affect me.

    I wanted so much more for her life.
  7. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Well, this isn't about being proud. This is her mocking you.

    I would have probably walked out after saying, "We need to have mutual respect for one another. I'll come by when you can show me the same respect I show you." Always be very calm and keep your chin up and ignore insults hurled afterward. That was horrible of her.

    There is nothing nice about tossing her lifestyle in your face.

    You need to take care of YOU for now. This isn't a relationship. This is her abusing you, mocking you, sticking her lifestyle down your throat. If you did that to her she'd have a fit.
  8. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    Wow. Speechless. I can't imagine what I'd say. Probably not something as polite as No.
  9. Childofmine

    Childofmine trying to do this thing one day at a time Staff Member

    It's the shock and awe factor. Early on Difficult Child starting doing hookah. I didn't even know what it was. Never had heard of it.

    Oh mom it's great! I love the strawberry margarita flavor. And it's only $10 a person. And then slyly...hey mom why don't you come do it with me? It doesn't hurt you. You don't even inhale. Blah blah blah.

    I didn't know what it was but I was sure I didn't want to do it. All that was to see what I would say and do.

    Esri..saying "oh" is the very best thing you could have said. I know it cost you dearly but she wanted a big reaction and you didn't give it to her.

    I know it is exhausting. And for me after an encounter like the hookah and like you had, I was disgusted. It made it easier to step back for a while.

    This is just what they do Esri. Hang in there.