Had evaluation. -- sad

[lovingmum96]

so difficult child had her evaluation today. Even though I told them she was getting increasingly violent and hitting me (which she vehemently denies), swearing, oppositional behavior going off the deep end for the smallest things....they thought it was "relational issues" and attending told the resident to call it "unspecified mood disorder" so "they'll be reimbursed by insurance." I told the resident this is unsustainable and his response was basically "it has to be." No medications. Now family therapy.

so ex screws up my life (pardon my language), then screws up my kids, especially difficult child, so I have to drag her fighting to therapy because she has "issues" with me that the resident says will take "years" to clear up. And even when I try to help her he's there with the divorce poison junk that's making her go off the deep end, and then making it difficult to get anything addressed.

I didn't expect them to make a snap judgement but I wrote a virtual essay of her behaviors which are completely aligned with bipolar. Look into it? no. Keep our eye on it? no.

I feel like a million pounds are on my heart. I can't believe that literally I just have to put up and shut up to daily verbal abuse which impacts my ability to do just about anything well. I always feel like I have to struggle against feelings of deep sadness and keep saying to myself that difficult child isn't well. So now she's "healthy" but just hates me?

the thought of having to live like we have been doing seriously makes me feel completely defeated, trapped, and angry. God willing there's a learning in here somewhere (like maybe difficult child should go to her dad, if a condition is that *he* gets her the therapy (and the pediatric weight loss 50 million appointments)......but I just don't feel it yet. I'm just uncharacteristically crunched.

 

[Wiped Out]

Lovingmum,
I'm sorry that you are feeling so crunched and your heart is so heavy. Who did the evaluation? Was it a neuropsychologist? I would definitely be looking for a second opinion if I were you. You should not feel like you have to put up and shut up with the daily verbal abuse. Sending hugs and some virtual flowers your way to try and brighten your day a bit

 

[Fran]

I remember those feelings of having no control of my home and all of the responsibility. Throw in the level of arguing and nastiness that come with a difficult child and the professionals have no clue.
My best suggestion is nanny cam. Record her behaviors. Obviously, having documentation of the he** you are living with is worth a thousand pleas and tears.
If things don't improve I wholeheartedly believe she should go live with dad. She hates you and your home. Who needs it? Let bio dad deal with it.
Keep the door open that if she wants to come back that you will be happy with some rules and regulation. Give her choices. When one ship is sinking doesn't mean the whole Navy has to go under. Save yourself and the family who want to live a drama free life.

 

[ML]

Fran is so wise. I agree that living with dad might not be so bad. Look after the navy! Hugs, ML

 

[lovingmum96]

thank you ladies, I do agree with you. I do think that the resident that evaluated her really didn't have much of a clue (well....he didn't ask much about history, context, impact or any of that stuff...before coming to the conclusion it's just relational with me....difficult child that was just spitting in her brother's face a few mins ago).

I do feel relieved somewhat though. I hadn't wanted to send her away (for the summer visitation with ex) if she was ill. Perhaps she really is ill and this apparent cloddish diagnosis is a bit of a gift for me to feel like I can really send her away (yes, I do have video, pictures, audio -- didn't ask to hear that either). Maybe she just really needs those "years" of therapy he described. But you are right ..... if she wants to go, ex wants her and will poison her mind so that living with us is he** then, she can go.

in fact, I told her today. We are supposed to be going on a family trip overseas to visit my family. She's always going on about how I am "forcing" her to go (she wants to go to her dad, although when I bought the ticket she said she'd be fine with my choice. Sure? Yes, mama -- ...Not now apparently). I do admit since I've found out I'll lose $1000 plane fare I've encouraged her to go, but why? I told her to call her dad (I always say let the adults make the arrangements but they work around me anyway, so....) to see if he can pick her up tomorrow or the next day. You want to go. Then GO. And if you want to come back (after the summer), sure, but there will be rules.

what a way to live. Gee. I really believe that God doesn't give us more than we can handle but I feel years of my life have gone on this kid. All the stress. And for what? Throwing myself under the bus for her to drive it over me.

just a bit ticked (another screaming match with the obsenities -- guess it's a brand new thresh hold). I'm sorry she says. So am I. Enough's enough. It's every day, without fail.

now she's next to me sobbing. Go figure. So there's nothing wrong with difficult child (apparently). Kids just don't have this much drama. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh.

thank you ladies. This is really difficult.

 

[idohope]

I think that you need a new evaluation. tdocs and psychiatrist that I have worked with have welcomed documentation and would have loved to see videotapes and suggested that we make them. It can be very hard to find someone good. When I have described similar behavior in my difficult child who is the same age the feedback that I have gotten from multiple professionals is that this is extreme behavior that is way outside the norm and that it is likely to get worse as she ages. My difficult child is totally resistent to therapy. Refuses to go, if I can get her there refuses to talk. Two tdocs and finally a psychiatrist (when we went that route) suggested medication. I am not saying that is what your difficult child needs but I see parallels between your difficult children behaviors and my difficult child and I feel that the behaviors have been taken much more seriously. Have you tried therapy? Her behavior during therapy sessions may change the view of the professional working with her.

What would happen if you tried to enforce a no hitting or no verbal abuse rule in your home? and imposing consequences for this behavior. I know how hard this is to do in that situation. Would this trigger a major rage? What would happen if you called crisis intervention at such a point?

Hugs to you. I know how hard this is.

 

[Shari]

Sorry you are going thru this.

I do agree with Fran...if things are so great at Dad's, let her go. If things are dandy? Great. If not, its a one-shot deal and she comes back with some serious agreements in place, one of which is "no moving backing and forth".

 

[TerryJ2]

Oh, dear.
Maybe you should send her to her dad's.
Make sure it doesn't turn into a custody thing, though. You have equal custody, right?
Maybe when she comes back, she'll agree to another evaluation. Nothing says you can't get a 2nd opinion, and you definitely need one. Sounds like a lazy job from the first doctor.
In regard to the airfare, call the airline and negotiate. They may refund the ticket with-a fee, or they may allow you to use it for yourself. If you are the one paying it, and you put it on your credit card, that gives you more leverage. Ask for a mgr. Don't speak to the first person who picks up the phone.

 

[busywend]

You will survive it. I did. And I did send difficult child to her dad's for an entire school year. I think it helped her see me differently. You should read my latest post here on General it might give you hope.

 

[lovingmum96]

thanks everyone for your advice and hugs. It really helps.

we have another appointment. in Sept with the "real" psychiatrist (the other was a resident), so that gives me a bit of hope.

@idohope -- I certainly do try a no verbal/physical abuse policy at home....I started to think that difficult child couldn't help it (ie. that she might need medications help) when despite the consequences (grounding for a week, then right back into grounding days later) she did the same stuff. Thank God the past couple of weeks have been a bit better but still the verbal abuse. I'm grateful at least she snaps back to apologize and tell me she loves me (sigh -- this is "love"?" I agree it's very extreme and from what I've seen on this board, I was stunned that the resident basically said good luck with your problem --- it'll take years of therapy. Bye.

easy child and difficult child with their dad this weekend. Since we are going to visit my family next week overseas, they will come back with all kinds of nasty ideas that stick in their young vulnerable minds ...... no wonder difficult child needs "years of therapy" poor kid.

I'm in agreement, ladies, that a year or so with dad wouldn't be bad. I've told her to get her stuff ready so that I can send it to her (if she doesn't agree to rules/behave). These past two weeks she's bounced back with I love you and plans for school uniform (meaning coming back next year). As an educator, I constantly tell parents how the middle schoolers are so big (physically) but so little in their minds (still children, really). It's hard when you are living it and she's a special difficult child.

@busywend: I'll read your post sometimes being away from each other lends a bit of perspective. The good news is that I've been keeping social difficult child so busy with friends that I've finally been able to spend time with easy child (boy, 13 so that means favorite food, action movie and hugs). I can't imagine if I send difficult child to her dad that I will get her back (he just wouldn't do that) but I'm really beginning to not mind about that. The reason I wanted to keep her with me is to help her and if I can't do that, there's little point in putting myself under the bus wheels so my difficult child can drive over me.....so to speak.

sigh. Thanks and prayers for you all in your challenges, for sharing --