Had son arrested 4x this year

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by omgwhy, Dec 27, 2009.

  1. omgwhy

    omgwhy New Member

    My son just turned 18, i believe he spitefully quit h.s., thinking he was punishing me for him having a record, he blames me for everything, is furious, disrespectful, violent, drug using, sleeps all day, spitefully wont help with-chores...
    he is mean to his siblings, steals from us and destroys my property, does not have remorse, nor attempt to replace or fix what he broke...

    He tried to have me arrested for smacking him, when he bad-mouthed me for the 1000th time! he used to bad-mouth me when i woke him for school, it was mortifying to deal with-school personnel, and tell them im afraid of my son..

    seems everywhere i turn, people want to blame me, im a single parent, im disabled, i must have abused him, and now his lawyer telling me he never heard of a son/mother domestic violence, must be something my son is hiding, and his upbringing, that makes him so angry. ive brought him to psychiatric unit, they said he was bipolar, same hospital now says there is nothing wrong with-him after seeing my son for 5 min, the boy pathologically lies and manipulates whoever becomes involved, to the point they look at me with disgust, and believe him..
    he will not go to probation, rehab, etc. and it scares me how it seems he is begging to be punished and put in jail, where he is now...i have beeen all over
    trying to get him help for 3 years, place him somewhere, went to social services, told they did not have funding, etc., i get furious and depressed at the lack of help when they are over the age of 16. He also has hepa privacy laws, and therapists leave me in the dark about him, yet the judge is yelling at me to get him in another rehab, the judge is keeping him in jail supposedly till my son chooses rehab, my son is choosing jail, he was beat up in jail at 17, taken to hospital and i was never notified, yet this state says i am legally responsible for him till he is 21, he will sue me for child support, and i will lose everything, as i am on disability income..

    im very confused, cry all the time, and have constant terror, that if he is on the street he will definetely overdose, and kill himself, the local hospital here is a nightmare, that they refuse to diagnose him..sorry for the rant, having a hard time getting any thoughts in order, on top of this my boy is contacting my x, not his father, but father of my other 2 boys from jail, and it is definetely for them both to gang up on me and try to take my little ones away as revenge,
    this boy has too much power..i have no fight left, with-all the psychotic turmoil ive been through with-him, mostly he hates me for having him arrested i dont think that ever can be patched up, i dont want my son to die, i feel 90% sure he will,
    why that is not considered a danger to himself i dont understand, why noone will help, courts, doctors.
    Lasted edited by : Dec 27, 2009
  2. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    Well, you certainly have your hands full, that's for sure. Welcome to the forum. We are raising challenging *adults* (term used loosely -lol) and understand your distress.

    A couple of housekeeping things. I would suggest that you go to our FAQ/Board Help forum and read the posts there. One of the topics is how to do a profile signature. We need our members to have signatures so we can remember the stories and not get confused about who you are.

    You might want to read the two links in my signature about detachment. We have constant conversations about the necessity of detaching and how to do it. I expect that you will find this helpful.

    Read our old posts/ read our archives. I remember when I first found this site I read everything I could get my hands on because I was so relieved to see that there were others who knew what I was talking about.

    One thing for sure.....the violence has to stop now. If/when your son is released, if/when you see him again, neither one of you can touch each other. You will lose all credibility with his therapists, the courts, etc. if you strike back. If your son threatens you or lays a finger on you, call the police and let them handle it.

    His lawyer is lying if he says he's never heard of son/mother domestic violence. good grief- of course it happens.

    You have my sympathies and my welcome.

  3. Bean

    Bean Member

    I'm sorry, hon. Big hugs going out to you. I hope you can feel them. :)

    I won't get started too much on the system, because it has frustrated me so. I tried for years to get my teenager help, and literally ended up with nothing. No matter how many times she ran away, was explosive/abusive - nothing. I even tried calling Social Services to tell them that there was child abuse going on in my home -- but the abuser was one of the children.


    They said if she had an I.E.P. it would have helped. She didn't, and she failed out of school. I very much regret not getting her evaluated, but then trying to do that is a whole 'nother batch of hoop-jumping, at least in our school district.

    At any rate, I had my child arrested, too. Basically the majority of the times she got in trouble was because of things we'd report. It was the only way we could get her any help. I can't say it was ever a comfortable thing to do, not at all. But then having her run the streets wasn't comfortable either. Most people who have been there done that will tell you to call, report and keep record, and I tried to do that to the best of my ability.

    Right now my kid is on probation and surely using. I could report her, but I'm not sure if that's the right answer, right now. We do the best we can.

    Anyway, welcome :)
  4. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Sending LOTS of hugs. What does the lawyer think elder abuse is, if not a child abusing a parent? It doesn't magically happen when the parent becomes elderly.

    My son abused me physically. The lawyer is an idiot, and a liar. Courts don't hear about kids abusing parents because parents are often ashamed of it. I chose to not be ashamed because it was not my fault my son beat me - it was HIS! He tried to get me to not ask if he had homework and to not give him chores or insist upon house rules by beating me.

    You simply can NOT lay a finger on him though. It WILL destroy your credibility. It is imperative that you be able to swear in court that you do not hit him or hurt him in any physical way.

    I am sorry you are facing this.
  5. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    The lawyer is his lawyer, not yours. He is going to do his utmost to defend him. Including push your buttons and hope that you will blow your top and make his client (your son) seem reasonable to the court. Don't fall for it. Never speak a word in anger in front of the lawyer or anyone else who is there to represent his best interest. They will be turned against you.

    Also, don't ever lay a finger on him again. Not even if he hits you first. At any threat of violence, tell him to leave. If he won't leave, and violence is imminent, you need to leave, then call the police. His lawyer may want you to believe that there is no child to parent abuse, but a police officer will know better.

    He is 18 years old and if your lives are lived in fear and anger, it's time for him to find his own place. I know it's not easy, but you need to be safe. You can talk to his school about placement options. You do need to be careful to not threaten anything that you won't follow through with, though.

    Good luck, and read the archives. There's lots of valuable information there!
  6. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    No mother/son domestic violence, my foot. It's common. I agree not to hit him again.

    But, frankly, as he is eighteen and no longer in school, I would pack his bags. He is a danger to you and as long as he has a warm place to lay in head, he has no incentive to stop abusing drugs. There is nothing you can do anymore since he is of legal age. He will have to fall and hit rock bottom to be offered any help. (((Hugs))). I know it's hard.
  7. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Im so sorry. Another mom who has had her son arrested here. Mine carries felonies because I had him arrested. His fault, not mine.

    Like Witz said, the lawyer is your sons lawyer and will give you a bunch of bull hockey. He wants to get his client off scott free. Plenty of kids abuse their parents.

    If your son is in jail, it sounds like the best place for him. A bit of cutting off his nose to spite his face, but oh well, his choice.
  8. ScentofCedar

    ScentofCedar New Member

    Your story is heartbreaking, OMG. We had similar experiences when this all started for us. When helping professionals stop helping and turn on the parents, the parent is left with no source of strength from which to parent, and things get worse.

    Your son does need you. He does need to hear what you have to say.

    For us, one of the most positive things that could have happened was for me to realize that our son's actions had nothing to do with his parenting. They had to do with his drug use. Once I was finally able to see that (thanks to the other parents on this site), I was able to say to our son that he had been raised better than to do what he was doing.

    This was very important, both for me and for him.

    It gave him another way to go, and it gave me a way to see that where he was in his life was a choice he had made.

    The standards you raised your son to believe in are still there, inside him somewhere. Whatever he says, when you tell him you raised him better than to do what he is doing, he will hear you.

    The other thing that helped me was The Serenity Prayer.

    Our Suz wrote it out for me once, and told me to read and re-read it til I got it. I did that, and it brought me such comfort at a time when nothing, but nothing else, did.

    God, grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change
    The Courage to change the things I can
    And the Wisdom to know the difference.

    I would say this prayer in the dark of the night, worried sick and all alone.

    It helped me, and I hope it helps you, too.

  9. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    Hi and welcome,

    I certainly can understand where you are coming from. I think however that you have been given some very bad misinformation. You have been told that you are responsible for this boy-child-person until he's 21? Where is that written? Show it to me. Better yet have the person that told YOU...show it to YOU. Seriously.

    You have a RIGHT to be safe in your own home. Your other children have a right to be safe in their own home. If nothing else crosses anyone elses mind in all this tornadic behavior, wouldn't the fact that your two other younger children's safety be considered first and foremost above the 18 year old's education or placement in rehab? Someone is really passing the buck on you here dear. I think I'd check into this. Sounds like someone doesn't want to do their job and is passing it on to you. Just sayin'.


    Oh and if he's in jail? My next question would be....."Well where are YOU going to place him when he gets out because he CAN NOT come here. My children's safety has to come first and their health has suffered enough. We fear reprisal from him, and can't have him in our home any more."

    been there done that.
  10. omgwhy

    omgwhy New Member

    Thanks everyone,
    Star, i was told and find it on the internet, that in NY, i am financially responsible for him. Ive seen 18 and 20 year olds before the judge, and the parent being told they are responsible to get the kid's lawyers. Yet, at 16 they are charged as adults, and go to adult jail, it confuses and frustrates me. I am also told you dont just kick someone out, you must have them legally evicted, so police will never escort someone out with-out that..

    His lawyer told me today, if my son refuses to go to rehab, he will continue on the criminal case, ie my son violating order of protection, and i said my son cant come back home, he said it was not his job to straighten out his homelife...I know this lawyer and my son want to place all blame on me, and im dreading this court on top of all the abuse..
    the court said he can be homeless, they have no idea where to put him,
    as in is it their obligation to give housing to released inmates, i dont think so. my son, was in a runaway shelter and was kicked out for using drugs, they never brought him to his outpatient rehab appts. either, and refused to speak with-me as my son has hepa privacy laws.

    my son threatens to take me to family court, obviously these people informed him that this state has child support laws till the age of 21.
    To top it off my exboyfriend is telling me its because the boy hasnt seen his father
    (alcoholic deadbeat that made no attempts to see them in 10 years),
    and my girlfriend says my son's life was bad because of my divorce and that i became disabled...that really hurts me, i had no control of the disability, nor staying with my alcoholic, irresponsible husband, to deserve all this anger and abuse from my son..

    the worst part for me is i didnt teach my son to lie, steal, and hurt women.
    i have yelled at him when he was bad and probably spanked him 10 times in his whole life...im a very patient person, it was almost impossible to not want to hit him, he was so mean and disrespectful, teasing and hurting his little brothers, and stealing their money, not a day went by there wasnt some type of conflict, with his bad moods, ive brought him to several doctors, any medication he got he tried to sell, snort, it's insanity, and he stole my medication, and told the dr.'s i told him to sell it, it was a nightmare they believed him, and called cps on me, this boy has learned some very bad lieing, from my x boyfriend, try convincing people he is lieing, and i feel like im having a heart attack, then he will smile at me, when they are not looking, ive had cps called 3x over this boy's troublemaking, and 3x from my vindictive x, i swear to everyone it was done to hurt me legally and psychologically i am very damaged from it,
    they got away with it too...(its a smart mans way instead of beating you physically)...so yes my life has been quite a mess, with these 2 in my life...i fear they are not done...till i have the official nervous breakdown..
  11. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Star...I have a feeling she lives in NY if they are telling her she is responsible for him until 21. For some reason known only to the lovely state of NY, they have lost their ever lovin minds and muddled the waters with 18 and 21. Its a huge gray area. You can do some things at 18 like in other states...marry, join the military, etc without a parents permission...but if you want to sit on your lazy butt or simply want to be supported by your parents while going to school (I think), they have to pay for you. Odd. All other states say 18 and you are really on your own. Parents can be nice and support you but they dont have to.
  12. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    No kidding?

    Man.... how fast would I move.
  13. Bean

    Bean Member

    Was he ever in jail (or currently) for domestic violence against you? If so, you should have some victim's rights - and one of them should be the option of contact with him. I would phone up the courts and work on finding out your rights as a victim (if he has ever been charged as an adult of putting his hands on you at all).
  14. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    I, too, suspect she is in NY. We have had some other members here with that problem. That being said, if he was my kid and he had been arrested, I would make it very clear that he was not moving home and I don't care what they say. I'd tell them I was changing the locks and putting his stuff into storage. If they want to forcibly move him back into the house, so be it, but you're changing the locks the next time he leaves. He's far too out of control to make it at a group home or foster home, so I wouldn't worry about paying that bill for any length of time.

    There's other NY'ers who will be able to pipe in here. But the reality of it for most of them, as I recall, was that the threat that you had to keep your child in your home or pay their living expenses was a lot of hot air when it came down to putting an unruly adult on the street.
    Last edited: Dec 29, 2009
  15. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    I just wanted to say how sorry I am...........and that I understand. Being a single parent as well, of a kid who is similar, I can't even tell you the number of times I have been blamed. It is disgusting, maddening, and pathetic. Please know it is NOT you! Our kids have mental challenges that are not brought on by a lack or too much of parental nurture.

    I hope that somehow there can be a breakthrough with the legal system for you - and that you are able to get medical help for yourself and the depression and anxiety that stems from dealing with this day in and day out.

  16. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    Barbara SO well said............SO true. It robs us as parents of the little strength we have left.
  17. omgwhy

    omgwhy New Member

    thanks all this is a horror for me, when he was beat up in jail and hospitalized (17) i was never notified, i dont feel these should be his consequences, nor to freeze to death on the street..i know that sounds dramatic, but in going to social services myself to find him a place to live, they wouldn't help, the other nightmare is i put his name on the deed to my house, when he was a minor, and to think i have to ever pay him over 100,000 of his share one day is horrible, dont have any luck with-legal aid, etc. to help me...again i know he will not come out better but more angry/ violent from what he learns from the adult offenders, i feel very bad for him...i feel this wouldnt be happening...if i got the right services in place...

    the jail psychiatrist was told by me my son is very depressed, i dont get it..
  18. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    One thing jumped way out at me. You put him on the deed to your house. Not asking why.

    Get a lawyer for you. That's what we did. It will cost you way less than $100k. It's the only way to protect yourself.
  19. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Another mom who used to be here was told by social services that she was responsible for providing a home for her unruly and abusive difficult child but she did NOT have to provide one he LIKED. She could make any rules she wanted, and enforce them just not with physical violence. Provide only the basic mattress on the floor and 7 outfits - NOT outfits the kid wanted, just thrift shop clothes. No tv, cell phone, music, nothing. Just food - NOT what the kid wants (I would cook stuff he doesn't like and refuse to allow him to bring food in to store in the home.)

    I would use this tack if by any chance you get conned into taking him back. He won't stay under your rules and you cannot force him to stay, but you don't have to change rules to ones he likes.

    I am so sorry. Go to a Domestic Violence center and get one of the lawyers they recommend. They will have ways to help you. They sure did me.
  20. omgwhy

    omgwhy New Member

    they released my son, he refused rehab, and he is homeless, it's freezing out, he has no jacket..they put a stay away order for 5 years...

    they told me he would be sentenced for violating probation, now after 3 weeks in jail, all is dropped, no more court, no more probation-supposed to be for another 2 years? he is doing dangerous prescription medicine..this is a nightmare i will never know where he is...

    the system failed me, they said they would mandate him to rehab, im so confused..its horrible minors ARE allowed to do this, they set him free to
    destroy himself..they said issues went on in jail, they are hiding something? these laws are so bad...i wish i wrote well enough to send off letters to lawmakers, here, dont even know where to start...