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Substance Abuse
Handling the holidays.
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 614657" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>Hi there.</p><p></p><p>I would lay down rules-for-living-at-home NOW, if it were my son, and he would not get any more chances if he refused to listen to them and one rule would be that he can not sell his things. Kids usually do this for drug money. I sure wouldn't buy him anything big or worthwhile to others for Christmas. Clothes maybe. As for J., I'm not sure why you added to your stress by letting him live in your house. You certainly don't need to add him to your plate...even if you feel sorry for him (and it sounds like he makes his own problems...a lot of kids have divorced parents and do fine), he is not your responsibility. I'd make him leave. That's like having two two rocks instead of one to push up a steep hill. YOu have to take care of yourself, a concept which is hard for many of us to accept. We are kindhearted and want to help, but we MUST take care of ourselves first. J. needs to help J. You can't fix him. You can't fix anyone except yourself and your own reactions to life. Remember, YOU can't fix your son either. Only he can do that. It's his choice.</p><p></p><p>I would not expect your son to participate in holiday festivities. At the same time, don't be naive about what will go on when he is alone in your house. He could steal from you or throw a party...this happened to us. We came home to find our daughter having a big drug party. We had surprised her by coming home early. That was our final straw and she was finally told she had to find somewhere else to live. She was nineteen. Once she was no longer enabled, she quit all drugs including even smoking cigarettes, got a job, went back to school, met a nice guy, bought a house and right now she is pregnant...and straight...and not at all entitled in her mindset. I'm one of those moms who feels that housing them and giving them things only makes things worse, but you have to make up your own mind what to do about your son. J. I wouldn't even give much thought to. He is going to become your son's partner in crime right under your roof. You can find homeless shelters and give him a list of places to go, but if it were me, I would not take him in as a free boarder.</p><p></p><p>Hugs. I know how much your heart hurts. Been there/done that a few times.</p><p></p><p>in my opinion the best way to cope with your son is to become a better and happier YOU, in spite of him. Learn to detach from his drama. Go to Nar-Anon or a private therapist who is focused on helping YOU, not your son. And, in time, perhaps you will have to ask him to leave in order to save yourself and the rest of your family, who also have to deal with him. But you have to be ready to do that. Most of us started out thinking that we could never do that to our child, but most of us changed our minds...</p><p></p><p>Big hugs.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 614657, member: 1550"] Hi there. I would lay down rules-for-living-at-home NOW, if it were my son, and he would not get any more chances if he refused to listen to them and one rule would be that he can not sell his things. Kids usually do this for drug money. I sure wouldn't buy him anything big or worthwhile to others for Christmas. Clothes maybe. As for J., I'm not sure why you added to your stress by letting him live in your house. You certainly don't need to add him to your plate...even if you feel sorry for him (and it sounds like he makes his own problems...a lot of kids have divorced parents and do fine), he is not your responsibility. I'd make him leave. That's like having two two rocks instead of one to push up a steep hill. YOu have to take care of yourself, a concept which is hard for many of us to accept. We are kindhearted and want to help, but we MUST take care of ourselves first. J. needs to help J. You can't fix him. You can't fix anyone except yourself and your own reactions to life. Remember, YOU can't fix your son either. Only he can do that. It's his choice. I would not expect your son to participate in holiday festivities. At the same time, don't be naive about what will go on when he is alone in your house. He could steal from you or throw a party...this happened to us. We came home to find our daughter having a big drug party. We had surprised her by coming home early. That was our final straw and she was finally told she had to find somewhere else to live. She was nineteen. Once she was no longer enabled, she quit all drugs including even smoking cigarettes, got a job, went back to school, met a nice guy, bought a house and right now she is pregnant...and straight...and not at all entitled in her mindset. I'm one of those moms who feels that housing them and giving them things only makes things worse, but you have to make up your own mind what to do about your son. J. I wouldn't even give much thought to. He is going to become your son's partner in crime right under your roof. You can find homeless shelters and give him a list of places to go, but if it were me, I would not take him in as a free boarder. Hugs. I know how much your heart hurts. Been there/done that a few times. in my opinion the best way to cope with your son is to become a better and happier YOU, in spite of him. Learn to detach from his drama. Go to Nar-Anon or a private therapist who is focused on helping YOU, not your son. And, in time, perhaps you will have to ask him to leave in order to save yourself and the rest of your family, who also have to deal with him. But you have to be ready to do that. Most of us started out thinking that we could never do that to our child, but most of us changed our minds... Big hugs. [/QUOTE]
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