happy to be here

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by mamabeardefendinghercubs, Nov 28, 2008.

  1. Hi everyone im new here... I am gratefull that there is such a place to come to and share... in my town there is not an actual in person support group for parents with kids that have ODD ( i find that odd because i cant be the only mother with a son that has it here lol) I find it a bit difficult accessing support systems I have managed to track down some parenting courses and some courses about mental health but I find I cope by learning about my childrens conditions and how to cope and manage them... it makes me feel like im doing something... I have a long story hehehe that i wont get into im sure its nothing that hasnt been said before or heard but it pleases me to be able to come and at least no that im not alone in all of this.... :D
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Hi there. I want to welcome you. All of our kids have at one time exhibited behavior of ODD. ODD, however, is rarely a stand alone diagnosis. You may want to do a signature like I've done below. I have a few questions to ask you that can help us help you. If we don't know any more about your son than you're telling us, that makes it very hard to help you. Here goes:

    1/As either of your sons been assessed by a neuropsychologist? (That is the first thing I'd do--get both of them neuropsychologist evaluations--the diagnosis. on both of your kids are vague and not that helpful).

    2/Do you have any psychiatric problems or substance abuse on either side of the family tree? Do the kids have violent tantrums, nightmares, talk about voices in their heads, have very graphic "friends" you can't see, get very upset when they have to change from one activity to another?

    3/How was the kids early development? Were there any delays in speech? Any fine or gross motor delays? Did both kids focus on your face when little? Copy you? Point? Did they then and do they now know how to appropriately socialize with their age group peers? Any obsessions/Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) like behaviors? Any sensitivities to noise, sound, foods, clothes? Do they make good eye contact with strangers?

    I've been around the block with myself (bipolar), my daughter (ex-drug abuser) and my son (high functioning autism). Of all the professionals I've taken all of us to, I find that NeuroPsychs got me the very best information. They test for 6-10 hours and actually TEST...they don't just take notes and ask questions and write prescritpions for pills.
    Others will come alone. (I mentioned both kids because the older one seems like he COULD be on the Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) spectrum and I think it should be checked out. He'd get more services). Is the child diagnosed with ADHD actually MUCH better on his medication or doesn't it help or does it make him; worse? Is he ON medications??? I'm frankly not sure that changing your parenting w ill help if you don't get the diagnoses more pinned down. Until you can get a neuropsychologist evaluation. I recommend reading "The Explosive Child" by Ross Greene. It will give you some peace in the house until you can sort out what is going on with your little ones.
  3. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Hi and welcome!! You might as well tell the story- it can't be any worse than what we've already shared on this board! LOL! I'm glad you found the board- there is a lot of support, experience, and acceptance here.

    Feel free to post as you are comfortable- it might be a bit slow right now due to T-day and shopping, but there will be people here to "listen". Answering MWM's questions would be helpful if you feel up to it.

    by the way- I LOVE Vancouver!!
  4. house of cards

    house of cards New Member

    Welcome, this is a very supportive place. I am looking forward to hearing about/getting to know your family.
  5. Jena

    Jena New Member


    I'd like to also welcome you!! :)

    I agree, please share your story we are all here to support you and yes you are totally not alone anymore in this!

    Glad you found us.
  6. luvmyottb

    luvmyottb Guest

    Welcome to the board, you will find us informative and supportive.
  7. crazymama30

    crazymama30 Active Member

    Welcome. Don't feel embarassed to tell your story, if we have not been there done that, we have btht(been there, heard that). My own son started getting suspended in 1st grade, and has written swear words on the back of a hall pass that was directed towards a teacher( F U). That was last year in 4th grade. While I am by no means proud of that, I refuse to take responisbility for his actions. I know that here no one will call me a bad parent because my son is a, well a PITA. By the way, he is doing pretty well for the last month. There is hope, hang in there and enjoy the board. Sometimes I just read threads and learn good things.
  8. Jinxy

    Jinxy New Member

    MamaBear, I wanted to tell you thank you for your welcome in another post and to welcome you here as well-not that I know where anything is, or anyone ;) You reminded me of something we all need, hope and I appreciated it.

    And crazyMama, thank you for assuring me that I am not the only one in the world who sometimes things their difficult child is a huge PITA!
  9. Ropefree

    Ropefree Banned

    Welcome! I have a chronic disability thingy and my son is now almost grown. It is unbelievable to me that all that time flew by.
    It is a big job and it has so many details and fuss and fuzz but you are not alone and their are plenty who have been and done who are available and you can and will get
    to feel more confident. You are an ambasidor now for the unique fellows and you will introduce them to a world...ready or not...where there are lots of solutions.
    oh...I hear a nap calling. I will be looking for your posts. Glade you are here to, I am also new.
  10. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Welcome, mama bear!

    I love your name!
  11. HI every one and thank you for such a warm welcome to this forum!!!

    well there are many questions on my story so I guess here it goes...
    it is a bit hard to explain it all its long and complicated... i am only going to start at where my children where born for now otherwse it will be like three pages long in short form lol

    when I was 17 years old I met and fell in love with a man that had Fetal Alcohol Syndrome (FAS) i had no clue to what it ment and i thought we were untouchable he seemed normal he seemed loving and kind and well I was looking for love ( in all the wroong places) well we had twoo children together and all the while he was addicted to hard drugs.. please believe me when i say i had no idea I never even knew what they looked like...i knew he smoked pot but i didnt htink that was a big deal as long as he kept it away from me and the kids then he started to go beserk beating me up trying to strangle me he made sure that when he did abuse me my children where never around and he never hurt them so I thought i could help him work through it I thought it was his past ect and he was the father i wanted to help him and well social services got involved when my oldest son was a few months old an inevitable thing of course and for the best he could not be around my son at all so we continued to meet when i had a sitter he had promised to get help and i was soon pregnant again ...yes i know how dumb could i be and he eventually gave up getting help and left me for a 15 year old when i was pregnatn with our 2 child .. welll i got a phone call a month or two later saying he was in treatment for hard drug usethat came as a blow to me how could i have not known ??? how could i have been so naive and stupid well hindsight was a bittersweet thing at that point anyways my son my oldest was difficult as a baby he was colicy and I didnt buy that i was in emerge every night with him screaming and screaming eventurlly they realised he had a hernia and they fixed it but as he grew he had huge temper tantrums as a 6month old after his operation he began to bang his head on anything he could i had to put a helmet on his head to keep him safe he would have rages and screaming tantrums where it looked like he was possessed so here i was alone with this baby and he was not what i expected i was devistated i sought heolp every where i could the child development center dr.'s over and over again they said nothing was wrong and I continued to seek help fighting for my son.... it wasnt until after my 2 son was born that my family dr finally sent me to a pediatrician he was born with health issues so i was scrambling to get him help aswell... I finally took my youngest to the childrens hospitle where he saw an ear nose and throat specialist who was a miricle worker and realised that my son was born deaf his adnoids where to large and that he had bowel issues and acid reflux they had to put him on a special formula called nutramagen they operated on his ears and removed his adnoids he took his first steps when he woke upp from surgery then I raced back home to take my oldest to the pediatrician he was only a fill in but he heard my concern and he said i believe it is adhd and he put my son on dexadrine I at this time had already met and was living with my future husband ...... I was relieved somebody had heard me it wasnt a diagnosis but it was help at lasst and that day I saw my oldest sit and colour for the first time for more than 5 minutes it was 1 whole hour to be exact and my mom and i thought it was a miricle to be sure everyone did.. and it worked okay for a few months and then as time went on he became more and more agressive biting hitting even trying to stab me with a knife when he was 2I went to the dr again again and again until finally a different pediatrician put him on risperadone and upped the dexadrine.... he also sent me for parenting course call triple p parenting and my son to a therapist he said that my son had had a sensory disorder aswell as Learning Disability (LD)'s my son had no developmental difficulties he did every thing far sooner than most children he walked and talked at an accelerated rate infact he was doing complicated things like he learned how to play chess at the age of 2 no word of a lie so anyways the medications helped for a while but then they stopeed working and where causing him dmaage to organs it was a catch 22 so i had a choice to make and I made one I took him off medications and i stopped giving him processed foods and started taking courses to learn how to difuse the rages before it started and exct and now he is doing fairley well for what he has but.... it is not perfect in anyway.. in school he has a tendeancy to tell lies and manipulation is his game there telling the teachers i dont pack him a lunch( he throws it out) telling them i hit him ( i dont) he tries to blackmail me if i dont let him on the cp saying he will tell people i beat him if I dont let him on.. of course i dont becasue it is a trigger issue... he tells the school i take him to oceans and let him swim in shark infested waters ect ect ect now this may sound like no bigie but he has a way of inventing all of this to sound real they belive him even after sicial workers and thereapists tell them its not true and i am a good motehr ect ect... well anwyas i get harrassed byt hte school regualrily and I find that they have create a serious grounds for issues later on they gave my son too much power and he needs the exact opposite of that... I stand my ground and stay strong for my childrens sake I wont let them think i can be manipulated but its all very stressful alot of my healthissues are triggered by stress.... my oldest son doesnt have violent rages at shcool he saves those for at home he does other things instead everyone there thinks he is perfect ect he has difficulties with noise and lights ... I have been to numerous therapists had several phscological evaluations and have been found to be doing very well under All the circumstances of my past... ALL in all I belive that my children are doing well and pushing forward.... I find that video games, processed food, lack of sleep, stress and little or no warning of a change in routine are triggers aswell as sounds are a huge distraction in school and can be a source of fustration we do our best to alleviate theses issues....I have read the explosive child and anyother books i can get my hands on and i will continue to do so.. what I am here for more than anything is a sense of community a place that other parents know what its like.. my life is not out of control and i am not for lack of information its more just acceptance... we have our good days and not so good days and its helpful to know that their are others going through it... anyways i get through each day seeing where we have all come from to where we are now and I see the improvment and it makes me burst with hope and pride
  12. I am sorry that you too are afflicted with a chronic illness it is not easy to balance health issues with the needs of special children...
  13. thank you I thought it was a good name true to my life hehehe
  14. well to anwer your questions mental health issues do run in our family many people suffer from bipolar in my family tree I myself had borderline personality disorder aswell as adhd i apperantly have no sighn of either now from a medical stand point but as a young tween/teen i had sever bouts of physcosis needed to be hospitilised and tranquilised for ...but have been symptom free since 16 years old there is no issue with drugs in my family tree that i know of but on my childrens father side it is .. there are a few alcoholics in my family trree but not many..
  15. compassion

    compassion Member

    Welcome!!!! I love your name too!!!
  16. Ropefree

    Ropefree Banned

    "...from the sleep of reason a life is born..." talking heads

    Another book I found very insightfull is "raising your spirited child" it has language for the transitons between one thing and another and all sorts of wonderful examples of how to prepare children and adults who have those sensities to sounds and smell and new things ect.
    I like "help my special needs child" as well as it gives possitive alternatives to the
    otherwise critical language that is used everywhere (and in indivigual education plans) so that a childs strengths...vivide imagination...and PRESENCE...are not all
    lumped into those behavor choices that DO REINFORSE themselves.
    So sorry you had to go through all that to find this place. Now that we are here lets
    enjoy it!
    Normal is such a wide arche of possiblities.
    I am so glade that you are raising above the situation. Although it does help to have a therapist confirm that I am doing well or ok, it doesn't always hit the spot for me.
    Having time and the interest of others who can offer some input and ideas and have their own stories and deal with children with all these unique quirks helps me to feel
    that I am one in a formidable crowd that is making this world a better and more aware one for each other and our kids...which can be anyone.
    I am so glade you have made so much with so little. What we do as a parent is the most powerful contribution we make in our lifes.
    Thank you for sharing your truth. It matters very much.
  17. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Hi MamaBear,
    I think I welcomed you in another thread, but I wanted to respond here, as well, because you posted in such detail.
    Holy cow, what a history! I'm glad you've made it this far. You've done amazingly well.
    This part jumped out at me because we shared these issues:
    I find that video games, processed food, lack of sleep, stress and little or no warning of a change in routine are triggers aswell as sounds are a huge distraction

    And your older son sounds like mine, where he holds it in at school and then lets us have it at home.
    Nice to have you here!
  18. Ropefree

    Ropefree Banned

    Defusing rages: This is the most important learned behavor that I can think of since
    plumbing in a room with a door. It seems so normal. And yet every mother knows that the magic moment when (and if) a child masters all the parts of this amazing self
    contained skill set.
    Relaxation and rage are learned behavor. So why not spend a lot of time and effort to learn the realm of relaxations?
    Massage therapy is a way of introducing the mechanics of non-doing. It is actually
    a participatory relationship between a massage therapist and a recipiant.
    Perhaps contact a massage school and find a empathetic and well trained massage therapist and get the kids in a series of sessions.
    If you (god forbid) have not had a massage then get one first.
    Ask for the help, find a way you can exchange with the school in some way if you can not afford to pay. Find a source for money for this purpose.
    Spend time in pools with your kids...it is a wonderful place to defuse just normal
    energy and after swims it is a very good chance that sleep will be easier.
    Hot tubs.
    The most important thing I feel that I have seen that is universal in rage and emotional outbursts is that the person having one is not feeling good. For small children, teens and adults how to be "there" for the person and not in a virtual tennis match over the behavor and the insults and loopy perseptions is the fast lane to the restored inner stablity that the rage/outburst explodes away from.
    Although not for the weak the service that an adult brings to the emotional exsplosive when we can connect to the person who is esentially in a tornado..
    When the thing dissapates, when the exhaustion that follows is restored with tenderness and sleep and food and tranquility...then you and the person have shared the 'storm". you outside encouraging them just by hanging in there and they themselves...just so lost in "it" whatever "it" is.
    Nurture what is good in your children. Catch them being good. Praise the inner spirit
    that shines. Let them knnow that you know they are finding their way.
    Wow..plus you are remarried? Well I am glade you are in my range of aquaintance.
  19. Nancy423

    Nancy423 do I have to be the mom?

    Hi and Welcome! I'm always offering my shoulder to cry on, an ear to listen and HUGS! :) Glad you found us.