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<blockquote data-quote="Ropefree" data-source="post: 231748" data-attributes="member: 6271"><p>Cadydid: My son is adhd...and I was prepared to guide my adhd kid to learn to control himself because it was a lifelong intrest of mine...the developemental skills to</p><p>clear communication and appropriate expression of emotional states. </p><p> It seems to me that it is the transission from one developemental stage into another that poses the greater stress on anyone (and everyone around them). To say that at one age or another ANYONE "has control" is over simplified I think. What I feel does happen in my family of two is that our ablility to respect onesself and others increases with experiance. Keeping the communication open and clear and clean is a challenge but when it is working it is a happy place.</p><p> Thirteen has unique challenges...hormones as I recall, and testostorone means alot. Men who are not themselves attending to care of the developement of others have alot of nerve to advance what others "should" or "should not" know when all to often weither in the home or absorded with other interests males do not vest time and attention to learn what is going on under their own noses. The</p><p>first thing I wonder when a child is acting out is What attention do they get if they do not act out? </p><p></p><p> When I was growing up the home atmosphere could be summed up as a hot and cold ongoing war. My motivation to creat a safe nurturing and meaningful homelife for my child is the product of my seeding my manure pile I was strapped with. So when an adult man chooses to decide that the manure piled up under and around him does not require him to pick out what he is growing by his choices and efforts...well, he may have a big circle of people who will co-sign that brand of manure but I do not buy it myself.</p><p> I think more aptly your husband has to determine what is important to himself. Because sacrificing the developement of youths for grown men is just not really very helpful. </p><p> For me its like this. Revisiting the privations of ones past is important. The bad things and the good things are what give us the basis for our lives. I have a problem with the adult who looks to the past privation and says "poor adult person had not enough this and not enough that and now does not have the abillity to </p><p>pay attention to factor next" There are more books and professionals and 800# and web sites an adult today who is sitting upon a pity potty and won't wipe is just draininng the energy because they can. If that man is such a worthy person he will pay attention and get it FOR this 13 year old boy. Not because as a man he has a belief in his brain set. OK?</p><p> No he is not the bio dad. So what. He lives with the boy. HE has a relationship and as adult the quality of that relationship is ALL ON HIM. Not his father, the boys father, you, ect. IT is all about what he as a man is doing. If he is being hurtful...not helping, mininmizing (oh you can control Yourself at your age)</p><p>beliitling the boy, his diagnosis, ect then what is that? </p><p> It boils down to hurt or help...hurt or help. Doing zero is abandonment.</p><p> He the boy, is already abandoned by one adult male...his father. ANd that boy is so not alone with that treatment.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Ropefree, post: 231748, member: 6271"] Cadydid: My son is adhd...and I was prepared to guide my adhd kid to learn to control himself because it was a lifelong intrest of mine...the developemental skills to clear communication and appropriate expression of emotional states. It seems to me that it is the transission from one developemental stage into another that poses the greater stress on anyone (and everyone around them). To say that at one age or another ANYONE "has control" is over simplified I think. What I feel does happen in my family of two is that our ablility to respect onesself and others increases with experiance. Keeping the communication open and clear and clean is a challenge but when it is working it is a happy place. Thirteen has unique challenges...hormones as I recall, and testostorone means alot. Men who are not themselves attending to care of the developement of others have alot of nerve to advance what others "should" or "should not" know when all to often weither in the home or absorded with other interests males do not vest time and attention to learn what is going on under their own noses. The first thing I wonder when a child is acting out is What attention do they get if they do not act out? When I was growing up the home atmosphere could be summed up as a hot and cold ongoing war. My motivation to creat a safe nurturing and meaningful homelife for my child is the product of my seeding my manure pile I was strapped with. So when an adult man chooses to decide that the manure piled up under and around him does not require him to pick out what he is growing by his choices and efforts...well, he may have a big circle of people who will co-sign that brand of manure but I do not buy it myself. I think more aptly your husband has to determine what is important to himself. Because sacrificing the developement of youths for grown men is just not really very helpful. For me its like this. Revisiting the privations of ones past is important. The bad things and the good things are what give us the basis for our lives. I have a problem with the adult who looks to the past privation and says "poor adult person had not enough this and not enough that and now does not have the abillity to pay attention to factor next" There are more books and professionals and 800# and web sites an adult today who is sitting upon a pity potty and won't wipe is just draininng the energy because they can. If that man is such a worthy person he will pay attention and get it FOR this 13 year old boy. Not because as a man he has a belief in his brain set. OK? No he is not the bio dad. So what. He lives with the boy. HE has a relationship and as adult the quality of that relationship is ALL ON HIM. Not his father, the boys father, you, ect. IT is all about what he as a man is doing. If he is being hurtful...not helping, mininmizing (oh you can control Yourself at your age) beliitling the boy, his diagnosis, ect then what is that? It boils down to hurt or help...hurt or help. Doing zero is abandonment. He the boy, is already abandoned by one adult male...his father. ANd that boy is so not alone with that treatment. [/QUOTE]
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