hard boiled eggs in room * did I do ok?

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Yem1971, Apr 1, 2013.

  1. Yem1971

    Yem1971 New Member

    I'm fairly new here~ some of you may know that I live with a young man that has undiagnosed possible Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD)/ odd and who knows what else. Dad and Mom are oblivious to anything being wrong. The young man lives here with me and his dad, my boyfriend. I'm trying to just focus on myself and taking care of what I need to around the house and ignoring his behaviors, for a long time I thought they had to do with me, but now I see they are just a part of who he is and his conditioning by his parents . It was a fairly quiet weekend, with him being gone much of the weekend with his friends and his mom last night. She decided to make both of the boys hard boiled eggs..the older boy only comes home once every two weeks. This morning I went up to younger boys (that's here most of the time) room and cleaned out his food trash, turned off all the power he left on and took the eggs out of his room ( mind you, he has been told a million times not to have food in his room..he ignores any rules)...when I came downstairs I went through the other boys candy box and there were eggs in there as well. I do not like having to go through their personal things, but since he will not be home for two weeks. I had to. When I came down, I simply put a note on the fridge, saying difficult child your eggs are in the fridge. Knowing he wants a huge reaction from me and a big drama, I chose to keep it simple. Other strange occurences this week, he also heated up a full plate of mac and cheese and threw it all away, I found a pair of my socks in the basement laying on the floor...also the kid was awake at 11 oclock last night. I didn't bother saying anything to his father, because he would have flipped out on him and me. I figure they can live with the consequences of their actions later. The young man may be angry later that I touched his and his brother's eggs, but it's a chance I have to take since I don't want the house to stink. How would the rest of you have handled this situation? With no support other than my therapist, I wonder if I'm handling this ok?I'm seeing my therapist this morning.
     
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    From what you've said about boyfriend and sons in your other thread, I'd let husband handle his kids almost 100%, even if his idea of handling them is to let them do whatever they want. I wouldn't get involved. It's not your problem to raise them...you can't without his support. Just keep focusing on yourself and let him do what he does because his father and mother don't care. There isn't anything you can do about it. Enjoy the freedom! These are not your kids, fortunately for you.
     
  3. buddy

    buddy New Member

    I often will remind my son in a casual way...Q, eggs can get rotten so they need to go in the fridge by X. If you forget, I'll have to do it then if he does, I still look but he won't know. If he doesn't, I just do it and drop it.

    It's hard when they are reinforced by negative reactions. My son increases behaviors from any reaction, even my angry ones.

    When you change your style you can expect an increase in behaviors before a change. This is the time to be ultra careful and consistent. A once-in-a-while reaction will maintain a behavior really well!

    So just be aware, it's typical for him to up the issues when things change. This phase usually passes. But it can be hard and take quite a while.

    I think it's is fine that you put the eggs away, common sense. They will smell up the house. It would be best if dad did it.

    Good for you to realize what you can and can't control. I feel terrible for this kid. Without dads support he doesn't have a chance.
     
  4. Yem1971

    Yem1971 New Member

    Thank you for both of your replies* So midwest mom are you saying you would have just left the eggs? They would be up there in a month from now, because his father wouldn't do a thing. At this point I am only picking up food wrappers or decomposing food, I did it for myself and for my home because I don't want bugs or vermin and also I don't want to smell rotten eggs in a few days. Penny for your thoughts?
     
  5. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Yeml, my daughter won't clean her room and she's a really good kid, except that she can be a slob. After doing it for her repeatedly and finding it in the same condition a week later, I just decided "natural consequences." I shut the door (thankfully her room is upstairs) and let the fungus grow. I'm not going to clean up after a sixteen year old girl who is perfectly capable of doing it herself. When she gets fed up enough, she cleans it. And I did this with all of my kids. Funny thing is, ALL of the ones who have already moved out are total neat freaks in their own houses...lol. Now for eggs...because of the hideous smell, yes, I would have put them away. But for other stuff he throws around, I'd let him live in a jungle if that's what he and husband want. Why should you do all the work while husband isn't even admitting his son has a problem and is blaming YOU for some of the issues that you had NOTHING to do with?

    I think it was smart not to engage this kid in a verbal fight either. Bet it was less stressful. Dad needs to kick it up a notch and if you do things for the kids, guess what? He can keep his head in the sand. I think you do a great job and do more than you need to do and I think your therapist gave you good advice. Take care of your own needs first. Everyone else who lives there sure is!!!! (((Hugs))) :) I like you. I think you're a good person :)
     
  6. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Yem, you're doing great. I personally would have moved the eggs because *I* wouldn't want the smell. But I wouldn't do it to do any favors for anyone else. You've got your hands full just dealing with-your own issues, so you're going to have to learn detachment, and the therapist may be able to help with-that. I'm so sorry you are living in this situation. Many hugs.
     
  7. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Oh, by the way, I have no idea if you are at a point where you can see the humor in this, but ALL kids leave eggs in their baskets. Even Perfect Children. I noticed a horrid smell in my daughter's room a few yrs back, and after a furious search, found her Easter basket ... which was a year old!!! Arrgh. I guess you get used to the smell if you live in that space long enough ... We told that story to our friends and several had the same experience.
    Don't be too hard on yourself.
     
  8. Yem1971

    Yem1971 New Member

    Thank you again for all your replies* I talked to my therapist today~ she told me pretty much what I already know that I am helpless about the kid, since he's not my bio kid. She asked me why I feel responsible? She said I blame them for stuff too, that I invited them into my home to live with me, so I either need to accept the situation or kick them out and she said I need to totally accept the situation and them as they are. Midwest mom, I do pretty much just remove the food/ drink trash and turn off the power that he leaves on. If he wants to sleep on dirty sheets and have his dirty clothes/ towels all over let him. I just go in remove what I must, try not to take it personally and go on with my day and taking care of myself. I have a bin on the main floor.. I throw stuff in if he leaves his stuff behind. He has gotten very good about keeping clean on the main level though. So maybe living with me has wore off on him a little after these three years. I admire your tenacity midwest mom...hearing that they are your kids are clean in their own places, gives me hope for him as well. Terryj2..yeah lol I do see the humor in it. I try not to take anything he does too seriously anymore. I try to just remain cool, calm and collected as far as him and his father go. His father has a lot of the same behaviors the boy has, like forgetfulness, leaving stuff behind, etc. I try to just keep in mind that this is the way they are. I love his father and him. Thank you again for your support.
     
  9. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Sounds like a good session, Yem. Easier said than done, though. It takes yrs to put it into practice. We all practice detachment every day of our lives. Some days are better than others.
     
  10. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I would have removed the smelly eggs too if I could have found them....I stuck a sticky note in my room as a reminder that next easter its ALL plastic eggs! LOL Those dont stink. Just make sure whatever you put in his basket is fine to be left in his room for all eternity.
     
  11. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I think you did a great job! Welcome!
     
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