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Hard, hard day today
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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 619841" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>Thank you to all of the dear people posting to me on this thread. It is truly a comfort and a warmth that I feel.</p><p></p><p>So today. Today was much better for me than yesterday. I got everything ready and it's all by the front door. So I was able to turn my attention to work and my grad class today, thankfully, because I had a lot to do.</p><p></p><p>And then the mail came. You know that great letter I wrote, labored over and mailed over a week ago. It came back, stamped that inmates can no longer receive letters, just postcards. </p><p></p><p>It's almost funny! (not) I had actually relaxed a bit today, believing that I had clearly told him my boundary and then I had prepared in the event he does not respect it.</p><p></p><p>Only to find out he never received the letter telling him not to come here. (ironic smile).</p><p></p><p>The best-laid plans...all to remind me that I can't control this. I can't plan and project and prepare enough to cover all of the bases. Why would I try? I never have been able to do it before now. </p><p></p><p>So now, my mind starts spinning with methods to get the message to him...in time. I am going to call the lieutenant in the sheriff's department who I've talked with multiple times and see if he can help me get a message to him or find out when he is getting out or take his things there with a letter for them to keep for him. Something so I can head off the standoff at OK Corral (my front porch) that I feel is coming.</p><p></p><p>I also like some of the ideas posted here about leaving my house---and I am willing to do that, but not sure when to leave or for how long. </p><p></p><p>Maybe I can find out more tomorrow. The whole situation is insane, that I am erecting these walls, these barriers, and pulling up the drawbridge so he can't hurt me anymore. I'm still going to hurt, even with the drawbridge up. </p><p></p><p>Radical acceptance. Accepting the pain, fear and despair I am feeling. Accepting that I can't control or head off what will happen, what should happen. Accepting that I will live through it and I can do that which I need to do, which is so, so, so hard to do. And bringing compassion to myself from myself through it all.</p><p></p><p>My son is who he is and who he has decided to be. And until he decides differently, I have made my decision. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Raci</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 619841, member: 17542"] Thank you to all of the dear people posting to me on this thread. It is truly a comfort and a warmth that I feel. So today. Today was much better for me than yesterday. I got everything ready and it's all by the front door. So I was able to turn my attention to work and my grad class today, thankfully, because I had a lot to do. And then the mail came. You know that great letter I wrote, labored over and mailed over a week ago. It came back, stamped that inmates can no longer receive letters, just postcards. It's almost funny! (not) I had actually relaxed a bit today, believing that I had clearly told him my boundary and then I had prepared in the event he does not respect it. Only to find out he never received the letter telling him not to come here. (ironic smile). The best-laid plans...all to remind me that I can't control this. I can't plan and project and prepare enough to cover all of the bases. Why would I try? I never have been able to do it before now. So now, my mind starts spinning with methods to get the message to him...in time. I am going to call the lieutenant in the sheriff's department who I've talked with multiple times and see if he can help me get a message to him or find out when he is getting out or take his things there with a letter for them to keep for him. Something so I can head off the standoff at OK Corral (my front porch) that I feel is coming. I also like some of the ideas posted here about leaving my house---and I am willing to do that, but not sure when to leave or for how long. Maybe I can find out more tomorrow. The whole situation is insane, that I am erecting these walls, these barriers, and pulling up the drawbridge so he can't hurt me anymore. I'm still going to hurt, even with the drawbridge up. Radical acceptance. Accepting the pain, fear and despair I am feeling. Accepting that I can't control or head off what will happen, what should happen. Accepting that I will live through it and I can do that which I need to do, which is so, so, so hard to do. And bringing compassion to myself from myself through it all. My son is who he is and who he has decided to be. And until he decides differently, I have made my decision. Raci [/QUOTE]
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