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Substance Abuse
Harsh words and a tough order-how do we play this?
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<blockquote data-quote="donna723" data-source="post: 22150" data-attributes="member: 1883"><p>I pretty much agree with what everybody else has said. It sounds like the easy child knows what he's talking about, and I would follow his advise to the letter if I were you. And the gifts and extras you've been sending him need to stop immediately. If the program supplies sufficient clothing (and I'm sure they do), then he does not NEED extras! He may WANT them, but he doesn't NEED them! Having more or better clothing and more extras than the other boys in the program sets him apart from the others, makes him more privileged than they are - that's not exactly "immersed", and it somewhat defeats the purpose of him being there. He still sees himself as "special" and not like the rest. And if you're really honest with yourself, you have to admit that part of the reason you're sending him all the goodies is to make yourself feel good too. And that's perfectly understandable ... you want to be able to take care of him and mother him and make things better for him, even if only from a distance. That's just natural "Mom stuff". But it is NOT helping him.</p><p></p><p>As far as having "comebacks" for his expected comments about the gifts and visits stopping ... you don't need any "comebacks"! You do NOT need to justify your actions to him. You don't owe him any explanations. You're the parent and he's the kid and this is your decision and you're sticking with it! If you feel you have to say <em>something</em>, just say that what you have been doing obviously isn't working and you need to try something else. If he gets upset and angry, LET HIM! It won't hurt him a bit! Let him holler and scream and hold his breath till he turns blue if that's what he chooses to do. You just stand there calming watching him! And when he finally figures out that it's not getting him anywhere, he will stop doing that! You're still afraid of his anger and he knows that and he uses that against you! He's doing his level best to guilt-trip and manipulate you again because it's always worked for him in the past ... please don't let him! The "I'm sorry you feel that way" line is perfect, if said the right way! If he persists, tell him just what you said in your post ... "We love and support you but we're all fed up with your cr-p"! Stand your ground and don't let him suck you into it again, and don't let him even try to shift the blame on to you! By disapproving of his actions and trying to encourage him, you're "adding to his stress by 'pressuring' him"? Which makes it all <em>YOUR</em> fault that he's not progressing, not <em>HIS</em>? Oh, please! Oldest trick in the book! Don't let hm turn the blame on you - bounce it right back on him where it belongs! And that line about abandoning him "like his birth parents" is just pathetic! Really low!</p><p></p><p>This boy KNOWS you love him! And he has learned to use that love you have for him to get what he wants. It's coming down to the wire and you don't have much time left. If he does "crash and burn" in the program, it will be because he CHOSE to, not because he thinks you don't love him or that you've abandoned him! He had the opportunity to comply with the program and follow the rules, and he is choosing not to. And if he does choose to "crash and burn", he will <em>maybe</em> learn to pick himself up again, older but wiser, and start over, standing on his own two feet. It may be the hardest thing you've ever done, but you're going to just have to grit your teeth and let him fly or fall. It's up to him. Better he does it now than after he turns 18 and the consequences will be much, much more serious. And at this point, hard as it will be for you, whether he is MAD AT YOU or not is irrelevent. If you take steps that he doesn't like, for his own good, he will be angry and upset with you. So be it. That's part of being a parent. He'll get over it.</p><p></p><p>It will be very, very hard but you CAN do this! Yes, you can! Repeat after me: "I'm sorry you feel that way" ... "I'm sorry you feel that way" ... "I'm sorry you feel that way" ...</p><p></p><p> :hypnosis:</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="donna723, post: 22150, member: 1883"] I pretty much agree with what everybody else has said. It sounds like the easy child knows what he's talking about, and I would follow his advise to the letter if I were you. And the gifts and extras you've been sending him need to stop immediately. If the program supplies sufficient clothing (and I'm sure they do), then he does not NEED extras! He may WANT them, but he doesn't NEED them! Having more or better clothing and more extras than the other boys in the program sets him apart from the others, makes him more privileged than they are - that's not exactly "immersed", and it somewhat defeats the purpose of him being there. He still sees himself as "special" and not like the rest. And if you're really honest with yourself, you have to admit that part of the reason you're sending him all the goodies is to make yourself feel good too. And that's perfectly understandable ... you want to be able to take care of him and mother him and make things better for him, even if only from a distance. That's just natural "Mom stuff". But it is NOT helping him. As far as having "comebacks" for his expected comments about the gifts and visits stopping ... you don't need any "comebacks"! You do NOT need to justify your actions to him. You don't owe him any explanations. You're the parent and he's the kid and this is your decision and you're sticking with it! If you feel you have to say [i]something[/i], just say that what you have been doing obviously isn't working and you need to try something else. If he gets upset and angry, LET HIM! It won't hurt him a bit! Let him holler and scream and hold his breath till he turns blue if that's what he chooses to do. You just stand there calming watching him! And when he finally figures out that it's not getting him anywhere, he will stop doing that! You're still afraid of his anger and he knows that and he uses that against you! He's doing his level best to guilt-trip and manipulate you again because it's always worked for him in the past ... please don't let him! The "I'm sorry you feel that way" line is perfect, if said the right way! If he persists, tell him just what you said in your post ... "We love and support you but we're all fed up with your cr-p"! Stand your ground and don't let him suck you into it again, and don't let him even try to shift the blame on to you! By disapproving of his actions and trying to encourage him, you're "adding to his stress by 'pressuring' him"? Which makes it all [i]YOUR[/i] fault that he's not progressing, not [i]HIS[/i]? Oh, please! Oldest trick in the book! Don't let hm turn the blame on you - bounce it right back on him where it belongs! And that line about abandoning him "like his birth parents" is just pathetic! Really low! This boy KNOWS you love him! And he has learned to use that love you have for him to get what he wants. It's coming down to the wire and you don't have much time left. If he does "crash and burn" in the program, it will be because he CHOSE to, not because he thinks you don't love him or that you've abandoned him! He had the opportunity to comply with the program and follow the rules, and he is choosing not to. And if he does choose to "crash and burn", he will [i]maybe[/i] learn to pick himself up again, older but wiser, and start over, standing on his own two feet. It may be the hardest thing you've ever done, but you're going to just have to grit your teeth and let him fly or fall. It's up to him. Better he does it now than after he turns 18 and the consequences will be much, much more serious. And at this point, hard as it will be for you, whether he is MAD AT YOU or not is irrelevent. If you take steps that he doesn't like, for his own good, he will be angry and upset with you. So be it. That's part of being a parent. He'll get over it. It will be very, very hard but you CAN do this! Yes, you can! Repeat after me: "I'm sorry you feel that way" ... "I'm sorry you feel that way" ... "I'm sorry you feel that way" ... [img]:hypnosis:[/img] [/QUOTE]
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Harsh words and a tough order-how do we play this?
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