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Substance Abuse
Harsh words and a tough order-how do we play this?
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<blockquote data-quote="rejectedmom" data-source="post: 23425" data-attributes="member: 2315"><p>CAmom, I am so sorry for your pain. Please take what I am about to say in the compassionate way I mean it. I have walked in your shoes. My son is now in jail because he couldn't or wouldn't obey the cardinal rule. He left the premisis just because he could. I have learned that we cannot save them if they cannot or will not save themselves. It really doesn't matter which is the case because the outcome is the same sad thing. Even if they are uncapable of change due to mental illness if they continue to break rules or get into legal trouble they are going to have socital consequences imposed upon them. Whether it be a MH section of a prison or the general population they are going to pay. Your son was given the opportunity to go to a Residential Treatment Center (RTC) instead of juvie. It was an opportunity for him. It was not about you or your pain. These things need to be kept seperate because the way you are dealing with your pain (sending gifts and frequent visits etc) while good for you is not good for your son. It is hard to switch from buying things for our children to make them feel better</p><p>(I call this the boo boo kissig phenomena) to indulging our own needs instead. It isn't selfish to make the switch rather it is healthy. Healthy for you and healthy for him. You do not need to explain every last one of your actions to your son. And you should not accept any disrespect from him. This is his last chance before he gets into the adult system. Your wellmeaning actions are allowing him to blow this opportunity and pin the blame on you. That gives him a guilt free pass and allows him to be angry with you when he fails.</p><p></p><p>I know I battle the thoughts that if I couldn't do it nobody can. Nobody loved my son more, nobody did more, cared more, sacrificed more for my son than me. I am sure the same is true for you... but the thing is, they would not have arrived at this place in their lives if what we did was effective. don't misunderstand me. This doesn't mean we failed or that we didn't do enough or that we did it all wrong. It just means that our difficult child's are wired differently and they have failed to learn all they need to learn. We lead them but they didn't follow. </p><p></p><p>Sometimes we have to relinqish control of a situation to get the reinforcing help we need. Fran always says "If you always do what you always did then you will always get what you always got." It is so hard to sit on the sidelines after 18 years in the trenches with our difficult child's. But sometimes it is exactly the agressive action we must take. Notice I say aggressive action for that is what sitting back is for us parents of difficult child's. And that aggressive action is often the harrdest one we will ever perform. -RM</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="rejectedmom, post: 23425, member: 2315"] CAmom, I am so sorry for your pain. Please take what I am about to say in the compassionate way I mean it. I have walked in your shoes. My son is now in jail because he couldn't or wouldn't obey the cardinal rule. He left the premisis just because he could. I have learned that we cannot save them if they cannot or will not save themselves. It really doesn't matter which is the case because the outcome is the same sad thing. Even if they are uncapable of change due to mental illness if they continue to break rules or get into legal trouble they are going to have socital consequences imposed upon them. Whether it be a MH section of a prison or the general population they are going to pay. Your son was given the opportunity to go to a Residential Treatment Center (RTC) instead of juvie. It was an opportunity for him. It was not about you or your pain. These things need to be kept seperate because the way you are dealing with your pain (sending gifts and frequent visits etc) while good for you is not good for your son. It is hard to switch from buying things for our children to make them feel better (I call this the boo boo kissig phenomena) to indulging our own needs instead. It isn't selfish to make the switch rather it is healthy. Healthy for you and healthy for him. You do not need to explain every last one of your actions to your son. And you should not accept any disrespect from him. This is his last chance before he gets into the adult system. Your wellmeaning actions are allowing him to blow this opportunity and pin the blame on you. That gives him a guilt free pass and allows him to be angry with you when he fails. I know I battle the thoughts that if I couldn't do it nobody can. Nobody loved my son more, nobody did more, cared more, sacrificed more for my son than me. I am sure the same is true for you... but the thing is, they would not have arrived at this place in their lives if what we did was effective. don't misunderstand me. This doesn't mean we failed or that we didn't do enough or that we did it all wrong. It just means that our difficult child's are wired differently and they have failed to learn all they need to learn. We lead them but they didn't follow. Sometimes we have to relinqish control of a situation to get the reinforcing help we need. Fran always says "If you always do what you always did then you will always get what you always got." It is so hard to sit on the sidelines after 18 years in the trenches with our difficult child's. But sometimes it is exactly the agressive action we must take. Notice I say aggressive action for that is what sitting back is for us parents of difficult child's. And that aggressive action is often the harrdest one we will ever perform. -RM [/QUOTE]
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Harsh words and a tough order-how do we play this?
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