Has anyone had their child upset that they gave birth to them

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by halfquarter, Apr 26, 2015.

  1. halfquarter

    halfquarter New Member

    I am being constantly told that I had no right to give birth to my 18-year old son who says he is genetic garbage and I should have had an abortion.

    His hatred of himself and his anxiety, social anxiety, and depression are killing him and our family as a whole.

    If he has a blemish or two on his face, he says he looks like a subhuman. He wants jaw surgery, leg lengthening surgery, and lasers for his acne.

    His perception of himself is so distorted...he refuses to go out in public. He is good-looking but doesn't see it and is severely depressed. He doesn't have bad acne, but everything is so amplilfied..

    His depression is awful

    I am so sad, can't sleep, and have let this take over my family's life. My husband is depressed now, and my beautiful wonderful 13 year old daughter can't stand to be around her brother. She has lived through seven years of hell like we all have.

    We have spent 7 years trying to help him and nothing has..he blames us for everything..then other days he blames himself.

    What treatments have worked???.. He is afraid to take medicine.
    I feel as tough I am breaking down and I have never felt like this before..

    I am suffering from a broken heart and soul
  2. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    I started a conversation (behind the scenes) with you. You should find a flag on your inbox (upper left corner of screen)
  3. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Hi Halfquarter, I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. ((HUGS)) to you.

    It sounds like your son might be suffering from body dysmorphic disorder.

    Has your son been evaluated by a psychiatrist? If not I would suggest that you do.

    I hope you find some answers soon.
  4. Childofmine

    Childofmine trying to do this thing one day at a time Staff Member

    Halfquarter, welcome to the Parent Emeritus forum. I am so sorry for your pain. I hear it in every word you wrote.

    My son, who is now 25, was very unhappy in the years following high school. I think playing soccer in high school kept him somewhat grounded, and he was functioning at a higher level then. After high school, he would slouch around, wearing a hoody that covered up a large part of his face, slump down in a chair, no direct eye contact, half-hearted responses.

    Those months were the beginning of his rapid decline into (more) alcohol, drugs, getting arrested, flunking out of college, being almost impossible to be around etc. I am sure I still don't know the half of it.

    I made all kinds of appointments for him at his pediatrician (still), then at psychologists and psychiatrists, and as I knew more, drug addiction counselors, etc. He either would not go at all once the day came, or would go and sit there and say nothing.

    My hope was for him to be evaluated, receive treatment of medication and talk therapy, and go from there.

    But he didn't want any part of it.

    In your situation, can you involve his primary care physician and get him to see that person for a start? Will he go? Will he talk to them?

    I learned over time that I could "lead a horse to water but I couldn't make him drink."

    Halfquarter, those were very tough years and tough times. In my son's situation, he refused any type of treatment or help or change. He didn't want to change. Finally, I kicked him out (after trying a million ways to make it work with him here and in an apartment, etc.). He became homeless and was homeless several times over a period of years.

    Today, he is doing much better. He is working full time+, has an apartment, says he doesn't feel depressed anymore, is talking about the future. He is sweet and kind. He says thank you a lot. It is like a different person.

    My son's true self was obscured by his addiction. Was he ever truly depressed? I have no idea. What came first, the feelings of sadness and anxiety and unworthiness or the drugs? I am sure I may never know.

    All you can do is try to get him to professional help. If he won't go or won't cooperate once he gets there, there is truly nothing you can do. Society will take over in time if he breaks the law, sadly. I hope it never comes to that for you.

    In the meantime, what about YOU? For most of us, we are way way on the back burner for years and years as we struggle to help everybody else. The true way to peace for us is to start working on ourselves, to start being kind to ourselves, to "take our own pulse" and see what we need, today. Is it rest? Are we hungry? Do we need to sit in the sunshine for a few minutes? Do we need to talk a short walk? Sit in silence? What about writing a short gratitude list---just five things you are grateful for today? These small acts will change your attitude and will change your day. They sound oversimplified, but they are not.

    Start right now, today, doing one thing for yourself every single day. Just take five minutes and do it. I promise you---it will make a difference.

    Keep posting here. We get it, and we care.
  5. halfquarter

    halfquarter New Member

  6. halfquarter

    halfquarter New Member

    Thank you so much for your kind words.

    He asked me today if I ever thought that I would be living a life like this and all of his hopes/dreams and mine for him are shattered and gone.

    He wants to go for help and I have made appointments, but doesn't believe in drugs...so only a psychologist. He has seen many of them and does not do what they say.

    Maybe, God or Allah or something beyond me that is good can intervene and help him through this. I cannot work(barely) as I am immobilized for the first time in my life.

    Until this gets resolved, I have a commitment to do everything in my power...even if I have to place him in a mental health facility, which he is afraid of, and a last resort.

    Your letter brought me to tears and I know you are feeling my pain. I am trying to take one day at a time and be positive.

  7. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Been down part of that road. Never had to go as far as placing in a facility, but... the whole "commitment to do everything in my power" feeling... been there done that. Still doing it.

    As long as HE is prepared on some level to make use of some sort of help, in my opinion, it's worth pursuing. If all he's prepared for is a therapist, maybe the therapist can help him see that medications aren't the end of the world, if in fact he needs medications. One piece at a time.
  8. SuZir

    SuZir Well-Known Member

    While my kid thinks himself ugly and has few times uttered the idea that I should had aborted him, when extremely upset, it has been, with him, mostly just upset talking. So not much experience of the problems you are talking about. But I do have some experience with kid being very reluctant to try psychiatric drugs.

    Around here they tend to have very bad rep. People feel that they are pushed to people even when they do not need them, as a first line treatment against the standard care guidelines and that doctors do not take side effects seriously. There is a lot of truth there. Pills are cheaper than therapy, so it is not uncommon that someone with moderate depression is given SSRIs without trying therapy first or even without therapy all together, though standard of care states that SSRIs should be used, if therapy doesn't help enough.

    Also when SSRIs (and later all kinds of atypical anti-psychotics) came to market, they were marketed with having no/very little side effects, not being habit-forming and so on. And when there were side-effects, people felt their doctors didn't believe them. And still people often feel, that doctors do not take side-effects that lower their quality of life seriously enough. If they complain that they are gaining weight, they are told to eat less and sexual side-effects are often just shrugged away, even though people tend to consider for example loss of libido rather big quality of life thing.

    When my kid was first time diagnosed with PTSD few years ago, he was very against medications, especially SSRIs. I think he was mostly scared of becoming fat and impotent. Over time his psychiatrist was able to talk him to try first a non-SSRI anxiety/depression drug with really a low side-effect profile and an allergy drug to help with sleep and later even to try SSRIs, to help the therapy to work better. My kid is rather science minded and this video and info it refers made an impression to him: His first SSRI wasn't a fit (though because he ended up losing weight rabidly, not because something he had been afraid of) but because it also helped him a bit, he was willing, if not eager, to try second one.

    Nowadays he even voluntarily takes and atypical anti-psychotics every now and then prn (though I'm not sure how often he does take it, but at least at times, when he is feeling really bad) for anxiety and sleep. Of course when that drug was started, he was in hospital and not really in good enough shape to argue. And after he noticed that side effects at least at the low dose he is are tolerable for him, he has been okay with it.

    With him a good psychiatrist has been a key. One who has listened to him and done her best to give him reasons why he would want to try a medication but not tried to force the issue. Being reluctant to use psychiatric drugs is not a rare phenomenon and good psychiatrists should be able to discuss about it with their patients and also explain and give them reasons why they could be worth a shot. Big thing with my kid at least was, that psychiatrist really took his concerns seriously and didn't try to gloss over the problems with psychiatric drugs.

    If your son would agree to go, I would try to book a few psychiatrist visits with a good psychiatrist and tell already beforehand that he doesn't want drugs. There are other treatment methods beside drugs, and a psychiatrist should be used to treat also patients who are reluctant to try drugs and either come up the treatment plan without those or reason with patient why trying drugs could be an option.
  9. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    Has he been exposed to martial arts?

    Personal discipline, camaraderie, the quest for individual excellence...maybe these experiences could help him see himself differently.