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has anyone moved to give their difficult child a new start?
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<blockquote data-quote="hexemaus2" data-source="post: 389918" data-attributes="member: 4560"><p>@witzend, that's very true on numerous levels, (except the changing schools and tons of structure part - my kids are homeschooled and much as it pains me to say, our house is pitifully far from any sort of structure. But I understand what you mean.) However, the issues of past problems, bad reputation, and other hinderances are similar. While my experience is indeed different because we moved while the difficult children were younger, my advice is still the same. If difficult child 1 were to get her act together, move back home, and ask about moving to get a fresh start, (or even just ask for help to move somewhere for a fresh start) my own approach would be the same as what I offered - to balance what I felt was her likelihood of success against the risk I was willing to take to help her. </p><p> </p><p>I would imagine it's the same question every parent in a simliar situation faces. I've seen both sides of the coin with friends with difficult children older than mine. It's the same 50/50. It's the same genuine want for a better life and commitment to building it that determines whether the child succeeds or fails. I've watched parents help their adult difficult child start a new life, only to see them fail time and again. I've watched parents help their adult difficult children get a fresh start with amazingly positive results. My experience, while with younger children, merely represents that same 50/50 likelihood and how the child's motivation factors into it. Like with MWM's daughter, her genuine WANT for a different, better life played a huge role in her success. </p><p> </p><p>In that regard, I don't think it matters if the child is 15, 20, 25, or 30. A 15 year old can get into just as much trouble and fail at a new start as easily as a 20 year old. In looking at all of my children, my 21 year old or my 18 year old would just be able to do it faster and with more long-lasting damage than my 16 and 17 year old because they have the freedom to make adult choices with tougher adult consequences. Either way, as a parent, it would still be just as painful and disappointing, not to mention any financial cost if I were to lay out the money to fund a new start or were in some way liable for costs (co-signing a lease, etc.)</p><p> </p><p>For a easy child 20 year old? I'd have to say they're an adult, time to act like one and deal with their own problems like an adult - cut the apron strings, as it were. But for a difficult child, it's not always that cut and dry, as we all know. That's all I was trying to say and only offered my experience to illustrate the difference in the child's motivation in reference to risk for the parent.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="hexemaus2, post: 389918, member: 4560"] @witzend, that's very true on numerous levels, (except the changing schools and tons of structure part - my kids are homeschooled and much as it pains me to say, our house is pitifully far from any sort of structure. But I understand what you mean.) However, the issues of past problems, bad reputation, and other hinderances are similar. While my experience is indeed different because we moved while the difficult children were younger, my advice is still the same. If difficult child 1 were to get her act together, move back home, and ask about moving to get a fresh start, (or even just ask for help to move somewhere for a fresh start) my own approach would be the same as what I offered - to balance what I felt was her likelihood of success against the risk I was willing to take to help her. I would imagine it's the same question every parent in a simliar situation faces. I've seen both sides of the coin with friends with difficult children older than mine. It's the same 50/50. It's the same genuine want for a better life and commitment to building it that determines whether the child succeeds or fails. I've watched parents help their adult difficult child start a new life, only to see them fail time and again. I've watched parents help their adult difficult children get a fresh start with amazingly positive results. My experience, while with younger children, merely represents that same 50/50 likelihood and how the child's motivation factors into it. Like with MWM's daughter, her genuine WANT for a different, better life played a huge role in her success. In that regard, I don't think it matters if the child is 15, 20, 25, or 30. A 15 year old can get into just as much trouble and fail at a new start as easily as a 20 year old. In looking at all of my children, my 21 year old or my 18 year old would just be able to do it faster and with more long-lasting damage than my 16 and 17 year old because they have the freedom to make adult choices with tougher adult consequences. Either way, as a parent, it would still be just as painful and disappointing, not to mention any financial cost if I were to lay out the money to fund a new start or were in some way liable for costs (co-signing a lease, etc.) For a easy child 20 year old? I'd have to say they're an adult, time to act like one and deal with their own problems like an adult - cut the apron strings, as it were. But for a difficult child, it's not always that cut and dry, as we all know. That's all I was trying to say and only offered my experience to illustrate the difference in the child's motivation in reference to risk for the parent. [/QUOTE]
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