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Has my difficult child woken up from her long sleep? (long post!)
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 525304" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Thanks everyone, for your enthusiastic support!</p><p></p><p>Calamity Jane- I've been pondering your questions, trying to put together in my mind, how it all happened. I tend towards being analytical myself, so the whys are always interesting to me. I don't think there was "one particular thing" I think it was a series of events and then changes which precipitated the shifts in my daughter. Bear in mind, that I believe she has some mental/emotional issues, but since she has never been diagnosed, I am only guessing. Since I grew up with a Bipolar Dad and a depressed Mom and have a Bipolar/Aspergers/Some type of amnesia sister and a paranoid schizophrenic brother in addition to nieces/nephews and cousins who are in some mentally ill category too, I have been privy to behavioral issues and I have also done a lot of research and then add in my own therapy and I think I have a fairly good take on what's going on. My guess is my daughter suffers from severe adult ADHD maybe PTSD, maybe bipolar. </p><p></p><p>Then there was the mother/daughter issues we dealt with, my lack of acceptance of who she is, my contribution to her sense of entitlement because of my guilt over her Dad and my divorce, my enabling her and the resentments (on both sides) that creates, and all the trauma she experienced after her husbands death, all contributed to a cocktail of (pardon the expression) 'craziness' for her to deal with. </p><p></p><p>My sense is that the incarceration was the initial wake-up call. Not posting bail was certainly a surprise to her since I had almost always bailed her out of most things. Then allowing her to stay with us but giving VERY VERY strict boundaries which I then ENFORCED. I had always been a soft-hearted parent who would not follow through on punishments. Well, those days were over. </p><p>She was literally not given access to our home because of bad choices she made. </p><p></p><p>In the time she spent with us, she and I had some really hard talks, where we both admitted our parts and really listened to the other. Because of the angers and resentments, that was really hard, but we did it. I believe those kinds of conversations do much to shift some concrete kind of thinking and offer a healing, for both of us. </p><p></p><p>Then I left town. While away, I wrote her an email after she let me know she had, in my opinion, reached her bottom the night she was cold and hungry in her car with no money. My SO keeps bringing this up, so I will mention it, he believes what I said in the email was a factor in her turnaround, I said, "<em>honey, this is not who you are."</em> That's it. He felt that that line really reached her because it was from my heart and it was true. Right after that, while we were away she began making changes. </p><p></p><p>So, in a 3 month period there were many changes. One thing I've learned in my therapy group and here, is that we, as parents, have a lot of difficulty in the process of letting go of our kids. It is clearly the hardest thing any of us are asked to do, and we hold on in so many ways, no judgment here, just what I see in myself, and in others, letting go is against everything we know to be real and good. I really needed so much help and support to do that, it has been the hardest thing I've ever had to do. For me, and I want to be clear that this is my particular path, we all have different kids with different issues, so we all have to come to our own conclusions, but for me, it was also letting go and detaching from what my own desires/thoughts/beliefs/judgments/criticisms/"mother rightness" about who my daughter is and what her best path is. For me, the detachment process was certainly about letting her go into her life, but it was letting her go her own way, even if it meant living in her car with her cats. My judgments of that (and there were initially many) were irrelevant if that is what she chose. </p><p></p><p>My group therapist taught me a lot about my own part of all of this, my own very strong ideas about how life is, what the "right" way to do life is, to do anything is. My daughter showed me that I was not accepting who she was. She was crying one day on the floor of the room she was staying in, and I think I mentioned it before, she was pleading with me to see her, not through my mothers eyes, but to really see who she is. And, you know what, I did. Maybe for the first time. Underneath all my enabling and non acceptance of her, my guilt, my resentments, my angers at her for not doing (pretty much) anything "right." I think that day was another turning point. I had a therapist tell me that kids will do almost anything to have the approval of their parents. </p><p></p><p>Well, I guess what I'm trying to say is that not only did my difficult child change, but I changed too. The biggest change? Acceptance of her and her choices even though I didn't agree with them. I can set boundaries around her choices for me, but I needed to accept the choices she made for her. I didn't have to agree with them. So, for me, my part has been about acceptance. The only power I ever really had was to change myself, my expectations of her, my stance on what is right for her, and to let go. When I add it all up, I guess I believe that in letting go of all of it, and changing my way of looking at it, and accepting her for who she is, was my way through it and perhaps, my difficult child's way out. Time will tell.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 525304, member: 13542"] Thanks everyone, for your enthusiastic support! Calamity Jane- I've been pondering your questions, trying to put together in my mind, how it all happened. I tend towards being analytical myself, so the whys are always interesting to me. I don't think there was "one particular thing" I think it was a series of events and then changes which precipitated the shifts in my daughter. Bear in mind, that I believe she has some mental/emotional issues, but since she has never been diagnosed, I am only guessing. Since I grew up with a Bipolar Dad and a depressed Mom and have a Bipolar/Aspergers/Some type of amnesia sister and a paranoid schizophrenic brother in addition to nieces/nephews and cousins who are in some mentally ill category too, I have been privy to behavioral issues and I have also done a lot of research and then add in my own therapy and I think I have a fairly good take on what's going on. My guess is my daughter suffers from severe adult ADHD maybe PTSD, maybe bipolar. Then there was the mother/daughter issues we dealt with, my lack of acceptance of who she is, my contribution to her sense of entitlement because of my guilt over her Dad and my divorce, my enabling her and the resentments (on both sides) that creates, and all the trauma she experienced after her husbands death, all contributed to a cocktail of (pardon the expression) 'craziness' for her to deal with. My sense is that the incarceration was the initial wake-up call. Not posting bail was certainly a surprise to her since I had almost always bailed her out of most things. Then allowing her to stay with us but giving VERY VERY strict boundaries which I then ENFORCED. I had always been a soft-hearted parent who would not follow through on punishments. Well, those days were over. She was literally not given access to our home because of bad choices she made. In the time she spent with us, she and I had some really hard talks, where we both admitted our parts and really listened to the other. Because of the angers and resentments, that was really hard, but we did it. I believe those kinds of conversations do much to shift some concrete kind of thinking and offer a healing, for both of us. Then I left town. While away, I wrote her an email after she let me know she had, in my opinion, reached her bottom the night she was cold and hungry in her car with no money. My SO keeps bringing this up, so I will mention it, he believes what I said in the email was a factor in her turnaround, I said, "[I]honey, this is not who you are."[/I] That's it. He felt that that line really reached her because it was from my heart and it was true. Right after that, while we were away she began making changes. So, in a 3 month period there were many changes. One thing I've learned in my therapy group and here, is that we, as parents, have a lot of difficulty in the process of letting go of our kids. It is clearly the hardest thing any of us are asked to do, and we hold on in so many ways, no judgment here, just what I see in myself, and in others, letting go is against everything we know to be real and good. I really needed so much help and support to do that, it has been the hardest thing I've ever had to do. For me, and I want to be clear that this is my particular path, we all have different kids with different issues, so we all have to come to our own conclusions, but for me, it was also letting go and detaching from what my own desires/thoughts/beliefs/judgments/criticisms/"mother rightness" about who my daughter is and what her best path is. For me, the detachment process was certainly about letting her go into her life, but it was letting her go her own way, even if it meant living in her car with her cats. My judgments of that (and there were initially many) were irrelevant if that is what she chose. My group therapist taught me a lot about my own part of all of this, my own very strong ideas about how life is, what the "right" way to do life is, to do anything is. My daughter showed me that I was not accepting who she was. She was crying one day on the floor of the room she was staying in, and I think I mentioned it before, she was pleading with me to see her, not through my mothers eyes, but to really see who she is. And, you know what, I did. Maybe for the first time. Underneath all my enabling and non acceptance of her, my guilt, my resentments, my angers at her for not doing (pretty much) anything "right." I think that day was another turning point. I had a therapist tell me that kids will do almost anything to have the approval of their parents. Well, I guess what I'm trying to say is that not only did my difficult child change, but I changed too. The biggest change? Acceptance of her and her choices even though I didn't agree with them. I can set boundaries around her choices for me, but I needed to accept the choices she made for her. I didn't have to agree with them. So, for me, my part has been about acceptance. The only power I ever really had was to change myself, my expectations of her, my stance on what is right for her, and to let go. When I add it all up, I guess I believe that in letting go of all of it, and changing my way of looking at it, and accepting her for who she is, was my way through it and perhaps, my difficult child's way out. Time will tell. [/QUOTE]
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