Has this happened, or does it happen to you?

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by DazedandConfused, May 11, 2007.

  1. DazedandConfused

    DazedandConfused Active Member

    Do you have a major crisis happen in your house involving your difficult children and you're so wrung out that you simply don't have the energy to write about, and seek support about, it?

    It happens to me over and over. I know that I don't post about much "negative" stuff simply because when something happens it's always big and I'm so drained it takes monumental effort just to keep myself on a somewhat even keel and not fall apart.

    We had one of those afternoons yesterday. A neighbor family up the street who is made up of difficult children. In particular the 12 year old boy who, with his younger siblings, attacked Daughter yesterday afternoon. I mean surrounded her and attacked. Plus, the verbal language being used, horrible. This all happened at another neighbors house where my difficult children and some other kids were hanging out. The mother at this house was apparently sick in the bed and not aware of what was going on. Not that she would have done anything, anyway.

    This difficult children living with their "grandmother" (I'm not actually sure how she is related to them) and she is a difficult child herself. I've talked to her numerous times, and she's nice to my face, but I've heard her when she didn't know I was listening. Ugh! Anyway, this 12 difficult child boy has been bullying Son and some other younger kids in the neighborhood. Though, no one else seems to want to deal with this lunatic family. Especially, this difficult child. He even cussed me out after I found out he took Sons bike and removed the front tire just to be mean a couple of weeks ago.

    Anyway....

    So, I call the police because to top it off they threatened to "go home and get a 22 caliber rifle and shoot" Daughter. This boy, I will not be suprised if I read about him in the paper some day (his Mom is deceased and Dad fled the country due to some serious criminal charges).

    The police come and tell me that they will "talk" with them, but there is really not much else they can do. I do think they understood my frustration with the whole situation, but I guess unless Daughter actually has a bullet in her body, not much can be done.

    My only hope is that they move. Their house is a section 8. I hate section 8. Every time I have lived close to someone that is living in a house under section 8, they have been trouble. Every one! Our town had a building boom that started four years ago, and houses were going up everywhere like crazy. Well, about a year ago, the bottom fell out and investors are stuck with houses they can't sell. So, they rent out to section 8 "clients". That way, even if the tenants don't pay their share of the rent (1/3), and destroy the place, section 8 will guarantee 2/3s of the rent and will fix ANY damage.

    So, this family lives in a brand new house that already looks aged due to the damage done to it. Lord knows how many people they have living in it. Of course, NOBODY has a job. "Grandmothers" three grown kids live there and none of them works.

    I guess the positive is that my street is shaped like a horseshoe, and they live on one side and we live on the other. I don't even have to drive by their house. I don't want to move, I love my immediate neighbors, never any problems. My Mother lives here and the kids like being close to their grandmother. The whole neighborhood desperately wants this family to move. Nothing but crisis since they have been here.

    I'm not going into work today. After all this, daughter was threatening suicide, and son had a complete meltdown in all the chaos that lasted two hours in reaction to all of this. husband is out of town, and I just want to crawl in the hole. This time I decided to post about it.

    I just want peace and me and my kids to be left alone.
     
  2. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    OMG, you've got it piled on!
    It's a good thing to call the police no matter what. This way you have it on record. The more visits they have, they better they will get to know the neighbors and the potential violence. It took us 5 yrs and a concerted effort by all the neighbors to deal with-a difficult child family down the street. Soc. Svc. turned a deaf ear and blind eye (basically, unless someone is bleeding, don't bother to call) and when it wasn't until the police called Soc. Svcs that they pd attention.
    Other than that, you ALL need a rest.
    Be good to yourselves.
    Then... just a thought... maybe you can have a family mtng and discuss what you can do proactively in re: to the neighbors.

    Oh, and yes, I am often too exhausted to post after a bad day!
    :crazy2:
     
  3. CCRidr2

    CCRidr2 Sheena-Warrior Momma

    Happens all the time! Our neighborhood is not going Section 8 but they are going to HUD and actually getting bought by some good people, luckily!! Us included, we got a steal on the place because it was in foreclosure.

    Do have one difficult child family down the street, we've been here about 2 months and already banned their kids from my house! Their 10 yo difficult child BIT my difficult child and tripped easy child 2 during basketball game and then told easy child 2's best friend that he was going to shoot him with his dad's gun because he defended easy child 2!!

    Parents don't care what they do, and cuss at them all the time. They are the ones with weeds instead of grass and don't even bother to cut those.

    Say, do we live in the same neighborhood?? Hang in there, I am finding CD to be a great place to rest! :smile:
     
  4. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Dazed....I am so sorry about what is going on. I just hate difficult child neighbors. (I say that even though I am sure some folks think we are the difficult child neighbors...lol)

    Is there any chance at all you and a few other neighbors could call the Section 8 people and report this family? It might get them out the soonest. I am sure the family isnt supposed to have all those people living there. According to section 8 code only so many people can live in a house when they consider the number of bedrooms. I think its only two per bedroom.
     
  5. lizinmd

    lizinmd New Member

    Hi Dazed,

    I hope that posting gave you a little relief. What a terrible situation! So glad you reached out to us!

    You did the right thing by calling the police too. You're on the right track by turning to the community for help. We had a similar situation with a next door neighbor. We never called the police on them but other neighbors did. Then one day when their was a altercation between the difficult child gang and my DEX ... I was the once calling the police.... months later the neighbors file a civil complaint against DEX for assault. It actually went to a trial! A grown man picking on innocent children, bah! But what saved his :censored2: was all of the complaints that the neighbors had made to the police about them. So you never know what will happen, maybe nothing will seem to happen now but eventually having reported the situation may lead to something good.

    I hope the best for you and your family!! Hang in there!
    Liz
     
  6. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    Your Section 8 sounds a lot like our Housing Commission (or Department of Housing). They tend to be very lax but do have strict rules.

    I would definitely suggest a family meeting to put in place protective strategies (and explain why, to the kids). Our kids have been told (and seen for themselves) - if they hit back or fight back, we have no leg to stand on and WE could get a visit from the police. But if we do not hit back and simply walk away, WE can call the cops and are fully in the right. It's been a hard lesson, because sometimes these kids provoke deliberately, to get a reaction, so THEY can say that they were not the aggressors.

    Good luck with this one.

    Marg
     
  7. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    Like you, I very rarely post when something major has happened. I just don't want to rehash it. It takes too much energy.

    It doesn't really matter what kind of area you live in and what kind of housing is nearby. You will find families like that in all walks of life. It's not always a bad thing. They make me feel so normal. :wink:

    Not to diminish your concerns with your neighbor though. I wonder why the police couldn't arrest for making threats? Would you be able to obtain a restraining order with what happened and the subsequent phone call to the police? It seems like you should be able to do something to protect your children and yourself.
     
  8. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Restraining orders are tough to get unless its a family thing or its gone to court for a trial and someone makes threats that way.

    We had a neighbor guy back when Cory was about 15 and this neighbor was in his mid 20s. This guy thought Cory had stolen something from him (turned out he didnt) and the guy busted into my house one day when Cory was home from school sick. The guy beat the living daylights out of Cory trying to get him to say where this object was. All we could do was press charges for assault and breaking into the house. I attempted to get a restraining order then to keep him from coming on our property because his fathers land adjoins ours. We were told we couldnt get one. The guy eventually went to court and was found guilty...actually pleaded guilty because he made the stupid statement in the courtroom that "hell yeah I hit him and he deserved it!" His lawyer advised a plea...lmao.
     
  9. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    Dazed I feel the same way... A LOT. I try to document what has happened, and by then even though I would like some input from you guy's. It is just to much to re-hash. Lately with so much chaos in our house, I could write non-stop... but it is too much.
    Last night difficult child 1 attacked difficult child 2... lame.

    Sorry you are having neighbor issues. Like you don't have enough to worry about, It would be nice to be able to let your kids play in your neighborhood, without fear, of the other kids.
    Try to stick tight with the other neighbors...good luck
     
  10. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    I agree with Totoro, stick with the winners. There is one freak in EVERY neighborhood.
    And call the cops no matter what. This way there will be a paper trail if something big does happen.
     
  11. IMSnoopee

    IMSnoopee New Member

    I don't want to offend anyone considering this is my first time here. But I was actually offended by some of the comments regarding section 8 people and other families in your neighborhoods who may have difficult children.

    I am that section 8 family who also has a difficult child. Has anyone considered that this family may be struggling not just financially, but emotionally and psychologically? And they continually get judged by their neighbors which isolates them even further?

    Considering all of you have difficult children and know the struggles you have every day in dealing with it, add to it poverty, a single parent (or grandparent) household, and the snears from people in their community. Their resources are even more diminished and substandard.

    Being someone who has gone through poverty and is overcoming the long-lasting stigmas of being in poverty, I know first hand the substandard care you get in the community. The schools treat you as though it is the parent's fault; single parent, impoverished, bad-parenting. The doctors brush issues aside, the staff are rude -- especially when you walk in with your state 'welfare' medical card.

    Could you be there as a resource for that family? Could you welcome in the difficult child and treat them as you want others to treat your difficult child? It really does take a village to raise a child. I thank God for my neighbors who have taken the time and effort to be supportive to me and who have shown compassion to my children. I'm sure it has not been easy for my neighbors, either -- but they've really been a resource that has helped my little family over-come some big obstacles -- despite us being a section 8 family with-our own difficult child.

    35 yo single mom
    difficult child -- 8 yo boy ODD
    Somewhat easy child -- 11 yo boy
    Somewhat easy child -- 15 yo boy
    Dog -- chewy, impulsive disorder
     
  12. Booklady Clara

    Booklady Clara New Member

    I sooo relate to what you're saying. I haven't been on here for awhile because it takes all the energy I have just to deal with my difficult child. I am too tired to even call the counselor and school, etc. It seems like nothing works again and again.
    I do think it's best if we don's isolate ourselves (like I do). All of you are the one that "know" what it's like without all the details. Thank you!!! Love you guys!
     
  13. DazedandConfused

    DazedandConfused Active Member

    Thanks everyone.

    I don't intentionlly stereotype people. In fact, I don't like it at all. But, I'm going by my experience over the last 20 years. I know that lunatic familes come from all socioeconomic backgrounds and circumstances, however, if there are any decent section 8 people *I* have never met them. I've been poor, I know it's not easy.

    I'm so drained. I'm sick of living in construction (we are in the midst of a remodel/addition), dust, chaos, mess, and CONSTANT DECISIONS! Son is sleeping in the livingroom because his bedroom is torn up. The contractor is always chasing me down because I'm either working or gone on some difficult child related appointment. So, I'm taking this time now to get tile, carpet, and shower doors picked out. I know I shouldn't complain, I'm so fortunate to be able to do this remodel (I can't wait for my bathtub! I haven't had one in over 10 years and it's a primary way I cope with stress) and we have the funds to do it. But, good lord, it's so stressful! Constant issues and constuction problems to be solved. I've come to the conclusion that my HOUSE is a difficult child!

    I so look forward to summer and time off. I need it. Work has been stressful and hectic. Then, I can focus on finishing phase one on the remodel (there are three phases). Phase one is the biggest.

    husband is working, working, working. Though, he's going to take some time off at the end of the month. He would not be dealing well with any of this if he we here more. He doesn't do this kind of stress very well.

    About restraining orders, they are difficult to get here. And one against a kids even harder. However, I do plan on calling the police now every time these kids start this kind of nonsense. I have difficult children I know it's difficult, and I really tried to be compassionate. I know that one of our neighborhood kids doesn't even come out anymore because of them. Like I wrote, I have talked to the Grandma, and I know she has a full plate, but she doesn't help the situation much. I youngest, a five year old, is so aggressive (I know she takes risperdal). She started the whole thing by kicking Daughter repeatedly. When daughter grabbed her leg to stop it, that's when they (3 other kids) surrounded and attacked her. Daughter is so very easily intimidated. These kids are friends with a girl that Daughter goes to school with and this girl has bullied Daughter adn even pulled Daughter's hair on the school bus (I called the office), so they are always threatening to sic this girl on her. Daughter is wearing a wrist brace because she's so sore from trying to stop the 12 year old from attacking her. They pushed, punched, and pulled her hair. However, daughter pushed back, so the police aren't willing to step in because she didn't just stand there and do nothing.

    After the bike tire incident, I only allowed the younger ones over. Now, they are ALL banned. Though, I know the 5 year old is going to show up on my doorstep looking for son. Though, son having his issues, sometimes doesn't get it. He was whinning just this morning, "Who am I going to play with now??" Ugh!

    *Deep calming breath*

    My own difficult children are enough to deal with, but then when others try to infect my family like a cancer, it just gets to be too much.
     
  14. momof4insc

    momof4insc New Member

    Um, rudeness cause you have a "welfare/medicaid" card? never heard or experienced that. was on welfare for a bit, still have my foodstamps and medicaid. sorry to hear that the "stereotype" is out there. as the bible says "EVERYONE is equal". also RESPECT is OWED, not earned.
     
  15. DazedandConfused

    DazedandConfused Active Member

    Your comments are well taken and it is not my intent to hurt feelings. Though, I stand firm on my opinion. The experience is mine and I'm sure there are exceptions, but they have yet to cross my path.

    This is NOT the first incident with this family. It it is merely the latest in a series of the last year. I KNOW poverty intimately. I grew up in it and had very hard times after Daughter was diagnosed with ALL. I know what it is like to need food and open my wallet and find one nickel and one dime and have to figure out how I was going to feed Daughter, plus I was pregnant at the time. Inspite of being impoverished, I was ALWAYS decent.

    Most of the time I have a very simpathic ear for anyone raising a difficult child. I have pointed the way to many parents I have encountered.Especially since my job is with kids. I work at a schol that is loaded with difficult children. I have spoken several time to the Grandmother. The last incident when the 12 year old removed sons bike tire (here I see son, who is tiny, dragging his front tireless bike up our drive-way), I went out and simply asked why he did such a thing. Know what I got?? Cursing and horrible insults. Did I call the cops? No, I didn't. I went to the Grandmother to calmly discuss what happened and right in front of her, he continues his screaming tirade at me. Again, all I asked was WHY he took the tired off my sons bike. No answer, just more insults.

    Twice the 5 year old has falsly accused Daughter of hitting her. Of course, the whole clan gets riled and starts making threats. Then when witnesses say the kid is lying, well, It doesn't make me want to help them, Know what I mean??


    I know that Grandma is overwhelmed, but she is part of the problem too, and I had compassion until yesterday. I have always had kind words, and encouragement, for her. I'm done. I don't care anymore. My kids, and their safety is my primary concern. The bridge has been burned.



    I'm glad you spoke up. Again, it wasn't my intent to hurt you and I apologize.
     
  16. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    I'm glad you brought this up, IMSnoopee. You absolutely cannot judge a book by it's cover. The families I was referring to are the ones with the difficult child parents. Like the lady that was screaming at my then 8 year old daughter that she was going to kill our "G*d d@mn dog" because her son came into our yard uninvited and was afraid of the dog. The dog didn't touch him. Her son was 5 at the time. He really shouldn't have been wandering the neighborhood unsupervised. She earned the nickname Psychob**** after that. Her husband tried to come over and do damage control, but there was no way I was letting their kid on my property again. I could just see her trying to sue me. It wasn't the kid's fault. It was the mom's.

    My house is currently in the process of foreclosure. difficult child's medical expenses and time off work with difficult child (and recently my own health) have taken their toll. We've been in this house for for 5 1/2 years. That investment goes right down the drain. I live in a state with a VERY high foreclosure rate. Out of the approx. 25 houses on my street alone, 7 have foreclosed. Mine will be 8. Because of the foreclosures around me and the houses being snatched up so cheap, it has killed my property value and I can't even sell my house for the balance on my mortgage, let alone what I bought it for. I know, I've tried. None of the houses for sale in the regular way in this neighborhood are selling. I can think of 5 of the top of my head that have been on the market for over 3 years. But there are plenty of people offering to buy my house now for 90% of the balance of the mortgage to "save" me from foreclosure and bankruptcy. They try to avoid telling me the part about how the mortgage company 1099's me for the difference and that there are tax implications with that. So, they get a good deal and I shell out thousands more in taxes? I don't think so.
     
  17. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    Whether it's Section 8, Housing Commission or whatever, some people act like they have a huge chip on their shoulder and make life a misery for those around them. We have no Housing Commission in our immediate area, but we have neighbours who are like the ones you describe. Our small neck of the woods is mostly middle class, but we also have some Haves (very much so) and the Down-and-outs. Of this last group, there are several categories - the ones with the chip, and the rough diamonds. One family of rough diamonds - the kids have a bit of a chip on their shoulders, especially the girls, but I get on with them all right. I suspect it was one of them who ripped the licence plates off difficult child 1's girlfriend's car (probably thinking it was easy child 2/difficult child 2, who these girls dislike intensely). All I did after was to warn the mother to warn her daughter that someone in our area was vandalising cars because a visitor to our house had had plates ripped off. I knew the daughter would get the message, as well as get the message that I hadn't told her mother what really happened.

    The chip on the shoulder types - they're either embarrassingly subservient (while stealing anything they can from us) or belligerent.
    In Sydney in general, we're developing ghettoes. We've had riots in some areas, almost entirely due to overloaded chips on shoulders. And again, it's the kids, not the parents. Sometimes they blame race (or culture) and sometimes they blame poverty, or racism. They ALL claim the police are victimising them. One particular Housing Commission area, Macquarie Fields, is well known to me and husband. We used to work with these people and got on with them really well. We went to school with a lot of them. We had no problems at all, but we did hear what they said about their own neighbours. It was not a place I would have wanted to raise my kids - gang violence was beginning to creep in.

    There is no injustice there, there is no victimisation, any racism is going back over past hurts and imagining current slights until they magnify out of perspective. But the perception of these things causes a lot of aggro in how these angry people respond to neighbours. "I'll get everybody else, before they get me," seems to be the attitude.

    I also grew up poor, although my parents made us live with the same self-respect as if we had everything. Other kids used to think I was a rich snob, from the posh way I talked and the meticulously hand-made clothes. But it was all my mother, instilling us with as much "standards" as she could (and supervising me making my own clothes). At home I played barefoot or wore gumboots to do farm chores, played with whoever as long as they were well-behaved kids. We had no government handouts in those days, we would have definitely qualified if we had. When educational handouts began I did qualify for a "Bursary" which back then was a scholarship for poor kids - AND it got written up on the school noticeboard (probably still there). Hey, why not tell the whole world we're poor? But it really didn't matter to most of the other kids. Even my boyfriend at the time - I think it bothered his wealthy parents a bit though.

    We have "Section 8" type neighbours from all income ranges. There are the rich kids who know their parents can afford good lawyers. And there are the poor kids who are resentful. Then there are the decent people from all income levels who you can always rely on to be there when you need them, to be a listening ear and to do what they can to help. When I've been collecting for charity, it was the poorer areas which gave the biggest donations.

    Pride can really get in the way so easily, socially. And yes, if you're poor some people can look down on you. I've learnt to ignore people like that. When I was involved in charity work there were people who intensely disliked my involvement, because I came from the wrong side of Sydney Harbour (which really doesn't matter, to 99.9% of Aussies) and who were, I think, terrified that I wouldn't know which fork to use at the Government Luncheon.
    It's ironic - to be thought a snob when a kid and to be thought low-class as an adult - funny.

    We're rich in many other ways, but we also know that some people are to be avoided, since they can't be cured or endured. And I would call the cops on whoever hurt my kids, regardless of their income level.

    Marg
     
  18. Kjs

    Kjs Guest

    We have one house that is a rental in our neighborhood. And, that in itself is fine. But the tenants, have Harley's which is fine except they rev them up for 30 minutes and squeal down the street at all hours. They fix cars in there spare time, so those are also rev'd up and squealing down the street. The parents are heavy drinkers, and suspect some drug dealing with all the coming and going's at all hours. Mom has one daughter who sat out on the curb crying one day wishing her mom didn't drink so much. She can't bring friends home because she is always drunk. Dad has one son..who is bad news. Dad is in and out of jail. took 17 year old son WITH him to someone's house to beat them up. In the past two years, dad has been in jail many times. Two of them are because the kids (each one) called 911 because dad was beating up mom, and there was blood everywhere. Dad's brother works at the police department and seems to always come home with no punishment. There has been break in's around the neighborhood, my son's $400 bike was stolen out of our garage. Others, had money and game systems stolen. One had a fridge/freezer in the garage, and the food was stolen. We now have our bikes locked up in the garage. Scarey thing is, we live on a one block street. not dead end, so when they are rev'ng up the bikes and cars, squealing down the street (leaving black marks on road)..there are a lot of kids in this neighborhood, skateboarding, rollerblading, bike riding, scooters, and just playing catch in the road. I pray that these kids do not get hit, or the driver doesn't lose control and end up on someone's front yard. And as you say..Police say there is nothing they can do until something happens. they have parties all night (I am not there 3/4 nights a week) But I hear about the music and bon fires and drunks. (bon fires are illegal in the city). Most of us are afraid to do anything in fear of retaliation. The rental house is also beginning to look trashed. I do not understand. I would want my home to look nice, whether I rented or owned.
     
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