Hate myself, hate my life.

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Big Bad Kitty, Aug 11, 2008.

  1. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    I hit Tink today.

    3 times on her bottom. But I made them count. I can't stop crying.

    She threw 2 stacked plastic deck chairs at the patio doors because I told her to brush her hair before I gave her watch back to her. When I told her to stop, she picked them up and threw them again. Then whipped the door open, knocking it off its track, to get inside because she could tell by my face that she had gone too far.

    I came in after her and she was sitting on the couch. After 5 tries I flipped her onto her stomach (yeah, I don't know how she does it but she is like a buoy...she stays upright) and cracked her ***. Once, twice, thrice. And she screamed. Louder than she has ever screamed in her life. I went to close the patio door because I was sure someone would call the cops. Do you know she went and stood AT THE PATIO DOOR to scream?

    I stormed into my room, and had myself a nice nervous breakdown. When she regained composure, she came to my door and told me it was time to leave for camp. I opened the door and there she stood, with her arms out, waiting for a hug from me. Like I deserved a hug.

    I hate hate hate that I can't control myself. But I also hate that she thinks she can act any way she likes without consequences. She really thinks she runs the place. I just acquired a bakers rack for our kitchen yesterday. She immediately started dictating what would go where, and became enraged that I was not going to let her put "her" stuff on half the shelves. Like, the microwave must be just mine, because when I put it on the rack, she announced that was MY shelf, and she wanted to put her tea set on the next shelf. The nerve of me using it for a coffee maker. That's just an example.

    So, do I overanalyze everything? Is she just a rotten kid that can turn it on and off at will? What do you do when you maybe could have basket C'd something (like telling her to brush her hair before she got the watch) but by the time you realize that it is going to be a federal case, you don't want to go back on it and say "oh OK go ahead and take the watch" because THEN is she getting the message that if she whines long enough she gets her way? There are times that I think that I can just not take it for ONE MORE SECOND, and I think does she maybe need to be hospitalized? Then I think maybe not, she's not THAT bad. I just have to learn how to control my kid. Do I love her too much? Is there such a thing? She is the air I breathe. My life absolutely revolves around her. I am Tink's mom. Outside of that, I really have no identity anymore. Back when I was married to her dad, I was Matt's wife. And he verbally abused me. Now his daughter does the same thing.

    I am at such a complete loss. I am defeated, deflated, I am done. I want to drink. I have not had that urge in years. I am scared for her future and my future. If I died, nobody else in the world could care for her. Not her dad, not my mom, not my dad, not either of my brothers. Nobody. I don't even know what to do anymore. Everything is a struggle with her. I can't do it anymore. I just can't. She's just a kid, and she's MY kid, and I should be able to do this.

    My heart hurts like it has never hurt before.:crying:
  2. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    But you DID control yourself. 1,2,3. If your couldn't control yourself, you wouldn't have a clue how many times you spanked her and that she actually stood at the door to scream. You were alert and aware and heck, she had it coming.
    What gets me is how resilient these kids are. There she is, holding out her arms for a hug, ready for camp, and you're a mess. been there done that.
    I had to chuckle at your description of how she popped up like she was bouyant. That is SO familiar.
    Don't be too hard on yourself.

    by the way, you didn't ask for advice, but I would advise discussing it with-her, how you can do it differently next time, and NOT offering her a treat because you lost your temper. You're still the mom. You can agree to a truce and you can hug and make up.
  3. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    P.S. I know how you feel about how nobody else in the world could care for her. No matter how difficult it is, these kids have a bond with-us and we know who they are, to their core. That's a huge burden, but it says something about you, morally, that you take your responsiblities seriously.
  4. nvts

    nvts Active Member

    Whoa, whoa, whoa! Knock it off RIGHT NOW! Listen kiddo, you're human. That's all!

    Everyone and their brother has ended up the way you feel.

    I spanked difficult child 2 the other day. Yup! Mr. EasyGoing, himself. It was only 1 swat, on the :censored2:, but he needed it. Let's face it, so did I.

    You know, you HAVE to keep in mind this one pure fact: even though they're difficult child's, and they have "issues" and they're not "easy child's" - they're still kids. Sometimes it's damn near impossible to discern whether or not the outburst is because of gfgdom OR they're BEHAVING like kids - which they are: my point? Our difficult child's are still kids. Kids are prone to testing limits. You clearly determined that this wasn't a "difficult child moment" it was a kid that wanted her own way, any way you slice it!

    Trust me, I'm not a spanker, heck, I even feel guilty when I think about given them a "little red caboose", but the bottom line is: she needed a little bit of a "come to Jesus" as we call it in our house. She's not bruised, she's not battered, her self-esteem will surely stay intact - she now has a limit set. You determined for her that you love her, but refuse to be a doormat.

    You, my friend, need to have Matt come and pick her up and you need to go to a movie, a meeting, get a cheapo haircut, grab lunch with an old friend, sit in a park and read a short story, go to a museum and just plant your buttocks in front of a tranquil painting and RELAX!

    Our biggest critic is ourself. Don't let this define you.

    I'll take Tink if something happens to you. What's one more? I know that the Bean (difficult child 3) would LOVE a female partner in crime and she'd gladly share her room (still hates sleeping by herself!). Good gosh! Tink has more cyber Aunties than she could ever know - but you have to keep in mind that YOU have more cyber buddies than you can shake a stick at.

    I'm going to look around and see if I can find my old 800# (I think is shows up on my phone bill). I'll PM it to you and you can give me a call. If I can't find it, I'll send the house number (I'm trying to find the 800 so you don't have to make yourself guilty over the phone bill - especially since you are the GuiltMaster today! lol!).

    Chin up (in my case "Chins" ;)). You didn't do anything wrong!

  5. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Ah, I remember those days all too well. Feeling as out of control as my child, screaming, spanking, then dissolving into tears. I know it's incredibly frustrating, and painful. It's why we have to hold fast to the GOOD days, or good moments, even when they are few and far between. This episode is behind you, at least. Hang in there. You are a great mom.
  6. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    BBK - a drink will help NOTHING. Get that thought out of your head right now young lady!!

    Sorry for the scolding - see sometimes we just can not help ourselves. Apologize. Forgive yourself. Move on. You will make more mistakes in life, so will she. We all do.

    Now, you both seem rather impulsive. Perhaps it is time for a counting mechanism that you both can work on together. Figure out how to recognize when you start to rise and begin to count something silly like raisins. Same for her. Just imagine if you had that signal. She started to get angry and instead of throwing the chairs went to get the raisins instead.

    HUGS!! It will get better. It always does. This too shall pass.
  7. rob#30

    rob#30 hangin in there

    We have all be there, is some way or another. Take a good look at how she reacted... Arms out ready for a hug. I really think that these kinds of episodes are far more devastating to us than them. You didnt hurt her, everybody got over it, unfortunately its probably not the last time a situation will arise like this so right now is the time to start to think of how you could handle it a little different next time. You are only human and I have "hated my life & myself" so many times. But I have loved my life & my difficult child so many more times!! Dont let this get you down. You know how many times I have asked my difficult child, if he knows how lucky he is that I have all my wits about me!? They push us to our limits but it always works out somehow. Sending you hugs.....
  8. TracyEd

    TracyEd New Member

    There's likely not much I can add to these great responses, but I wanted to let you know that I've been there done that too. It used to be that spanking was common place, but society frowns on it and we have to find alternative measures to set limits.

    Spare the rod = spoil the child right?

    Anyway, I'm also not a spanker. I'm a yeller and working on it, but have spanked in the past and felt just as horrible as you've described.

    It sounds like Tink was able to forgive you and the only one left who feels like **** is you.

    Forgive yourself hun. You're human and raising kids is hard work. It sounds like you did keep your cool though. The fact that you care this much is an obvious sign of a good mom.

    Learn from the experience and knowing that it bothered you this much may help you avoid making the same choice next time.

    That being said...perhaps a more proactive approach is needed. Before Tink flies off the handle, there are likely warning signs. Depending on her age, distrating her could help. I know my daughter hates brushing her hair, but how I approach the subject is a huge determining factor of how she will react.
  9. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    No more guilt, BBK. Even my mother who spanked me growing up but became very anti-spanking when I had easy child (and used to always say, "It's illegal to spank a child in Sweden.") spanked easy child once when he was 2 when he locked her in the basement and wouldn't open the door.

    She's not scarred. She's fine. If you let on that you feel bad or guilty then she will take her reaction from yours.

    I'm not one of these spank your child for every thing kind of parent. But, I have spanked my kids before. I didn't like it, I didn't feel good about myself, but we're human.

  10. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    BBK - if spanking makes you a bad mom, then take a look around, cause I'd enture to guess you don't know many people who honestly have never spanked a child.

    You're human. You have limits and they were crossed. Who knows, maybe it will make an impression on tink.

    In the meantime, skip the drink, AND the self-criticism.

  11. Christy

    Christy New Member

    been there done that and not proud of it but it does happen. We don't always make the best choices but don't beat yourself up for it. You spanked her on the bottom, you didn't smack her upside the head. You hit her three times, not ten. And you used your hand, not a belt or a paddle. It's okay to say to Tink, I should have handled things differently. I don't feel like spanking is an effective punishment, BUT do not excuse her behavior in anyway. It was dangerous and unsafe, perhaps you can brainstorm together a reasonable consequence should Tink act this way again.

  12. DazedandConfused

    DazedandConfused Active Member

    This is just a thought.....

    I noticed that you have a reoccuring theme when it comes to these bad times with Tink-she's your ex and your being pushed around again. You, once again, are her victim. I don't know. Regardless of Tink, and what SHE thinks, YOU are the boss. Period. Now, by stating that I don't mean she will always, or even sometimes, do what you say, but I see that same dynamic every time you clash with Tink. She goes into her mode, and you go into yours. Yours being frustrated, exasperated, and fearful.

    I would have responded with: "When you are an adult, and buy a baker's rack with YOUR OWN MONEY, then you can make the decisions about whose stuff, and where it goes. In the mean time, I paid for it, I'm the adult, and I DECIDE. Discussion closed." (Actually, I would have said, "got it?"). Then, I would go back to whatever I'm doing and ignore her.

    P.S. I have to remind my difficult children CONSTANTLY who the adult, and boss (me), is in my house. Otherwise, they would have usurped me eons ago. They also challenge me, especially Son, on a continuing basis.

    As far as spanking. Honestly,it's not a big deal. Yes, it's bigger deal for us. My Dad used to beat the living day lights out of me, but once the dust settled, I always wanted his love and affection. I never rejected him as a child, and believe you me, when I look back now, he certainly deserved to be rejected. In all honesty, I don't think it wise to allow Tink to see you upset, at all. Apologise to her calmly without guilt, if it helps you move on. Then, let it go. She obviously has.

  13. jal

    jal Member

    BBK - my difficult child is exactly the same way with the wind up and the left right hook and then bam - your in the mix too and you don't know how you got there. Then once it's over their waiting for a hug and your ready to jump from the second story. been there done that too many times. Forgive yourself and move ahead. My only advice is call your sponsor if you have one. It is not worth throwing away your years of sobriety. You will need those years and sober ones ahead to continue your role of Warrior Mom.

    Best of luck. I sympathize completely.
  14. Like everyone else has said, we have all been there done that. I hate it too when I lose my control. For me, it's yelling. difficult child has been too strong for me to try to spank for several years. The last time I tried, he hit me back and laughed as I tried to turn him over. So no more of that. Since then when I lose my cool, I yell. I hate to say, I did this weekend when difficult child was home on a visit. I lost it after he had lost it.

    You're human and have a breaking point.


  15. nvts

    nvts Active Member

    Hey Kitty! I have a question! Is Tink keeping her room clean yet? I remember right before Turkey Day or Christmas, you were going nuts trying to get her to clean her room.

    Hmmmm, why not say "Why would I let a little girl who leaves her room a MESS, make my brand new Baker's rack look sloppy?" You like your rooms clean and you don't want her messing up your space!

    Nyah, nyah, nyah, nyah, nyah!

    Are you feeling any better yet knowing that all of us "bad Moms" are in kahoots with you?

  16. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    A billion hugs girl............come on now. It is all OK.

    I was always harder on myself when I "lost" it with Matthew, because I was deviating from the way I believed and told myself I was gonna raise him. I had broken MY code of conduct and expectations, and my personal mommy beliefs. That is what broke my heart. Not necessarily his behavior. And then I started to have that PTSD thing with DEX, and, boy, I would just unravel. You must separate all of this out. Tink, you, Matt, parents, etc.

    Staying home all summer with these kids is not for the faint of heart. I am praying for you! A thousand hugs.

    Can you take her for a kids night out at one of those gymboree things, or rec center summer bashes?
  17. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Another one who has been there done that and yes, have felt guilty afterwards. With my difficult child, I learned quickly that it did no good and I didn't believe in spanking so when I would feel like I might I would just go into another room and take some deep breaths.

    The others have all said it better than me but please be gentle with yourself, yes you are human and we all make mistakes. Think of the advice you would give someone else here that did the same thing-I know you wouldn't want them beating themselves up over it. Gentle hugs to you.
  18. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    Stop.That. Stinking. Thinking. Right. Now. Young. Lady.

    We are all only human. We can be pushed too far. None of us is perfect, if so, we wouldn't be here on this planet. Please take it easy on yourself. Do you still have your sponsor's number? PM me, I'll talk. Forgive yourself.
  19. 4sumrzn

    4sumrzn New Member

    I want to send you many {{{hugs}}}. Please do not be so hard on yourself. I'm another one that has been there too......we can only take so much at a time & break on occasion. It happens. And, you DID control yourself.

    I also feel the same way about my difficult child.....if something were to happen to me & husband at the same time.....I'm at a loss on what would happen with her. husband has even made comments the past few weeks (I went out of town, guess it made him think?)....."ummmm....ya know, I really don't understand all of difficult child's medications. I have it written down, but don't know exactly how to fill up her weekly container". And..."ummm...I know you have everything all in files for school, docs, evaluations & such....can you go over all of that with me"? So, suppose if something happens to me....hopefully he can follow along. I've tried pretty hard to have everything filed with all of the important information enclosed. Both of us fall off the earth.....I'm scared! Really scared.

    Hang tough. Many {{{hugs}}} for your hurting heart ;)
  20. amazeofgrace

    amazeofgrace New Member

    I wish I was there so I could give you the biggest hug I could, you're a beautiful, wonderful, GOOD mother! You're human. You're juggling a lot on your own. How far is Illinois again? I wish we were closer.