Hating my husband's new job

[PatriotsGirl]

I am having an issue in my marriage and trying to figure out how to handle it.

My husband was in outside sales. He was home a lot, made his own schedule, and it was great. He was gone five nights a month but I had grown used to that.

Then the Plant Manager of his shop was fired and they begged my husband to take the job. I knew he wanted it. He is in his element and is probably going to be the best Plant Manager they have ever had. He debated over taking it and decided to take it saying he wanted to stop traveling and be home with his family - especially since Connor won't be a baby forever and he didn't want to miss anything. (Yes, he is QUITE the grampa!!)

Talk about the opposite. I NEVER see my husband anymore. He leaves very early in the morning. He doesn't get home until late and by the time he gets home and showers, it is 8pm by the time we are eating dinner (which I am completely not having anymore - he will need to reheat his dinner - I am not eating at 8pm every night). He is awake maybe an hour and a half, sometimes not even that long, before he is asleep. It HOOVERS and I am resenting this job - BIG TIME. I know it shows - it must. I am that aggravated over it.

Luckily, I babysit a lot at night while daughter is working so I am not just sitting by myself - I enjoy that time with my grandson. Husband makes jokes about an empty nest and all I can think is thank GOD I do not have an empty nest or I would be ALONE ALL THE TIME. I don't like being alone. Once in a while, maybe, but certainly not all the time.

Tomorrow night I have the night off from babysitting so I wanted a dinner date with my husband - yeah, guess what time that will be? Especially since he wants to drop off dinner for the second shift at his work first (at 7:30pm!). Which means we will get to enter a restaurant at 8pm for yet another late dinner. I mention chores I have to do with daughter Saturday morning so he jumped on that and plans to work since I have things to do anyway. Big surprise.

Yeah, there are trade offs. I do have all of my family under my roof and I am enjoying that very much. I have a new Expedition that I am in love with - husband has the truck now. But what I really want is time with my husband.

I am hoping all of this coincides with him being new to the position and trying to prove himself worthy. I get that. But part of me is worried that this will be the way it is now and what will happen once the kids are gone? What a lonely existence that will be for me. I've lost interest in pursuing my career. I busted my butt for five years and got NOWHERE. So, I now work my job and no overtime - instead, I spend that time with my kids who mean way more to me anyway...

I know I shouldn't be mad. It is not like he is going out with the guys or anything like that. He has always been completely devoted to his family and providing for his family. But I cannot help being SO resentful right now. It is a HUGE change and I am not handling it well.

Any advice? I really don't want to lay all of this on him and make him feel guilty. I know how he is. He would carry it on his shoulders and that is not fair.

Maybe I am just venting here so I won't vent to him...

 

[DammitJanet]

PG, I understand. Tony works in construction and we never know when he is going to be working out of town or for how long. Right now he is in Charleston SC and has been since before Thanksgiving I think. It wasnt so bad in the beginning because he only worked 4 days a week but now he is leaving at 4 am on Monday morning and getting home at the earliest 7 pm Friday night. A few weeks they have worked half days on Saturdays.

That means unless one of the boys happens to speak to me I could go all week without a word to anyone but a 2 year old.

I also have the problem where even when he is home he is in bed by 9 pm and he goes to sleep the moment his head hits the pillow. Even if I leave my bedroom when he gets home we dont speak more than 20 words to each other most nights. I am so hoping this changes when we move and its just the two of us.

One thing we have noticed is that normally when he is out of town we talk on the phone more than we ever would at home. It hasnt been that way the last couple of months but thats because we simply arent getting along real well. We used to sit on the phone and watch Idol together when he was out of town. (Just a funny - one time Cory was in jail when Idol was on and he called us all excited because he was watching Idol there and it made him feel like he was with us...lol)

Maybe you could either call him and leave interesting voicemails or text him on his phone. Make them a bit risque if you so choose...lol.

 

[DDD]

I don't have any great advice but your concerns are valid. My husband and I started our small business in 1979 and we both worked eighty hour weeks for about two years "getting it started". Since we had teens I would make sure we all ate dinner together etc. but very often he would head back to work a few more hours. Personally..I think that patterns are established at work just like they are in marriage. It's darn hard to break the set habits.

My only suggestion would be to "gently" ask how long he thinks it is going to take for him to get a real handle on the new position. Maybe he has given himself six months or so and will be able to see it's necessary to preplan. Good luck!
DDD

 

[tiredmommy]

I hope too that he is just adjusting to the position.

 

[Signorina]

Vent here - have at it - give it your all. I totally get it and I understand how you feel.

Let me also say that it is REALLY hard to adapt to a new schedule as a family. been there done that - and the D stands for DOING, because it is still very much a work in progress and it's my own new schedule. Our family's is not dissimilar to your own, except I am the one who is now working a TON more hours and commuting and not home 3 days and 2 nights a week, and at the same time my H is working from home and has transitioned from an 80 hour, 7 days a week business owner to a 9-5 job and true "off time" on the weekends. Sometimes, I wish I had kept my 20-30 hour a week job and h and I had all this extra time together. And then I remember how nice the financial security is...

My h has been great. He is really supportive. I am not sure how I would feel if he resented me being gone so much. And honestly, when I am not gone - I am often preoccupied. After a few glasses of wine on Valentine's night, I spent the next hour telling him about all of my work problems that are laying heavily on my mind. Isn't that romantic? But because it was once him working a meelion hours and preoccupied, and I was the one at home resenting the TIME and MIND SPACE his work took away from me - he gets it so it doesn't bother him. And he is happy for me that I have this opportunity to do something new and difficult and ambitious. Even when I hate it. And that makes me love him 100x more. I don't know how I would react if he was unhappy with the time I was spending at work.I HAVE been guilty of neglecting him and being too consumed by work. And I can see when it bothers him and I try to acknowledge it and correct it. Like your H I was given a chance at something I wanted - and even though I am second guessing if I really still want it and it's been a huge learning curve - it's really awesome to take a chance to grow

I also only worked from home and worked part time for the past 18 years -- so when I went back to a full time job (still partially from home) it was really hard to for me to adapt to business hour/business week thing. I was used to having down time in my day at home that I later made up for by working at night or on the weekend; especially when my kids were younger. I am now (a year later) just beginning to "turn off" during my "off" time, especially around 5 pm. Which is probably not OK, I get it.Your post is a good reminder that I need to be more cognizant.

I know you don't want to eat late at home - but is dinner at 8:00pm on a Friday night really that bad? It sounds like your H is trying to make inroads with his new staff and that can be really tough. Go with him to drop off dinner so you can see what it is he is doing all day & night! Fake a smile if you must...but it will let him know you are on his team. And then you get him all to yourself at dinner and beyond.

As far as dinner during the week, it's OK if you don't eat together, but take the opportunity to sit with him while he eats and have a glass of wine or whatever. Yes, family dinners are important, but so is spending time together. Even if it's not ideal or it feels forced. Part of it is just adapting to the new schedule.

What's worked for us is to spend Sundays together. We don't manage every Sunday; but we try for most. Sometimes, we are running errands together which isn't ideal but it gives us a chance to chit chat and a good block of "normal" time together. We often go see a matinee - sometimes grabbing lunch or a bite before or after the movie. Last Sunday we ice skated a good part of the day and went for a long walk. Yes, I had to do the laundry and make dinner too and H had to shovel the driveway AGAIN- but we were just hanging out together and it was really good. We did the dishes together after dinner and watched the Olympics. It's a big change - our evening time USED to be our time together and it just doesn't work that way anymore since I am gone 2-3 nights a week. One Sunday, he sat on the couch with me (I think he was reading and puttering in & out) as I caught up on 3 episodes of Nashville on the DVR. We used to do our own thing on the weekends - I got some time to myself and he got time with the boys - so this new pattern takes effort and feels odd - but it's a heck of a lot better than not spending time together.

Even though I am the one away 2-3 nights, I still struggle knowing we don't interact much on the weeknights but I think it's because family dinners and collapsing on the couch together at 9:00 pm was our habit for most of our marriage! Now, I am often at work and PC16 has a busy schedule and isn't often home on school nights. It's time to adjust to the new normal and it feels very weird almost like having your shoes on the wrong feet. In reality, we WILL be empty nesters (for the most part) in 18 months. It's hard to believe.

So, I'd cut H some slack and keep venting here and give the new job some time to cool off. I think his schedule will settle down eventually and if it doesn't - then YES - I would voice your concerns to him. You guys have had a ton of changes in the last year - and even though most have been good - change is hard.

XO

 

[PatriotsGirl]

Sig, you are so right. We certainly have gone through lots and lots of changes this year.

I am going to go to dinner tomorrow night. Daughter told me to as well - said I might even have a good time...lol.

I need to concentrate on the positives. Who knew a year ago I would have a full house and love it? That is what I need to focus on and take the time I can get from hubby right now.

Thanks for letting me vent everyone...

 

[PatriotsGirl]

Lordy, got to vent again.

So, I canceled our plans for tonight. Not because of the time, but I checked out his credit card that is supposed to be used for business expenses and we owe a lot in two weeks time (on top of the fact that we have to replace our septic system next week). I don't know what he was thinking and I am really not happy about that. He has not filled out expense reports to cover some of these costs so guess who has to pony up the cash until he does? Grrr...

And so I told him he may as well stay out there in his work city until after he does his thing because it is a ridiculous waste of gas for him to come all the way home only to turn around and drive out there again. Know what he tells me?? He may not stay and do that tonight, now. Why I wonder? So that he can spend more time with his wife who has not seen him (I saw him a whole hour last night before he fell asleep on the couch)? Nope. Because he doesn't feel good. He caught the funk that has been going around the house.

And so obviously annoyed, I just wanted to get off the phone and he asks what is wrong with me? That I have seemed so ticked off the past few days...

Seriously???? How can someone SO smart be SO dumb???? I can't even hide my annoyance. And I am out of Prozac which is REALLY not helping. I need to get my butt to the doctor later today before I completely lose it...

 

[DDD]

I just recalled that perhaps forty years ago an acquaintance of mine suggested to her husband that they schedule "dates" in the middle of the night to keep their one on one connection.
They would spend an hour together sharing conversation, or sex, or a cup of hot tea etc. etc. For them..it worked. They were not interrupted by kids, work etc. and could get the missing one on one time they needed. If I recall he had a year's work assignment that had them both out of sorts.

I couldn't do that, lol, but it worked for them. DDD