Have Had Enough!!

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Feduponlakehuron, May 2, 2014.

  1. Feduponlakehuron

    Feduponlakehuron New Member

    I'm done... I just can't take anymore. My daughter is 17 and have had problems in the past. It got so bad when she was 15, I had to send her to live with her father 2 hours away. When that didn't work out after 10 months (it would have been less if either of them had their way) she came back home and after a week, was living with my aunt and uncle up until the beginning of this year.

    I'm lucky (???) to have close family living near by, my aunt and Grandma are 4 blocks away and my mother lives an hour away.... the problem is my Grandma (who is 89 and going strong.. she still drives, shouldn't but does) believes my daughter can do no wrong and will let the whole world know it...my daughter included. This has caused major issues in the past and now has my mother on board.

    daughter had to move back to my house due to the fact my uncle became very ill and was only given a short time to live. My Aunt just couldn't do it. daughter was also given them a hard time, and my Aunt, who's a saint in my eyes, just couldn't handle her and my Uncle's illness. We had also been trying to get daughter home for months, she was only suppose to stay with my aunt a couple of months, go to counselling and return home. My aunt and I tried exhaustedly, but my daughter was told by my mother and grandmother that she could stay at my aunts as long as she needed. My Aunt and myself where left out of that little conversation.

    daughter was forced to move home, my uncle was slipping very fast. Three weeks after I found out that he was terminal, he past away. Needless to say this took a toil on the entire family, we are all very close and it still hasn't really hit home, with me anyway. My daughter was mad because she didn't have a choice in the matter, and was "forced" to move home and was not afraid to voice her opinion on the subject.

    My daughter, still at 17, will have a hissy fit when she doesn't get her own way. When she gets no sympathy at home, she runs to my Grandma, who she calls Nana, and gets all the sympathy she needs. Again she can do no wrong, and my Nana even told my Aunt, her daughter, that she should have given daughter more time, she wasn't ready to go home... my aunt, who had just watched her husband die in front of her..... this is what I'm up against.

    Today was the worst day I have ever had with daughter.... I just don't know if this can be repaired. I'm done, my husband is done, her father is done, and my Aunt, who loves daughter to pieces, is done.

    It started out like every other day, daughter was exhausted, didn't want to go to school, yet again.. there is always and excuse why she doesn't want to go to school. I had had a very bad week at work, had the day off and needed the down time to get things done. I woke up the pet monsters (I have another daughter 11 and a son 9 with my husband) and daughter, she came downstairs and announced she was not going to school. She hadn't been in 2 days, she waited for me to leave for work and came back home after I left. I got the call last night from the school she wasn't there and was she okay. This is after she left to go out with friends, and of course would not answer her cell phone or text messages... I waited for her to come home. Curfew is at 10:30, by 11:57pm, she graced me with her presence. Again another argument and her waking the whole house up and getting a door slammed yet again....

    This morning I told her she was going to school, if she could stay out as late as she did, she could have a coffee and get her butt ready, she was not missing another day... welcome to the real world sweetheart... more screaming, cursing and door slams. After about 2 minutes, I had had enough. I still had the other 2 to get ready to go was tired from waiting up for daughter and didn't sleep well because of the argument, yet again. I went up to tell her to get dress to go, she standing in her door and informs me she is not going and I can't do anything about it. This point enough is enough, I take hold of her shoulders and try to direct her into her room to get ready and wham, sucker punch right to the nose... I could have knocked her on her scrawny little butt (I grew up with all boys cousins learn how to defend myself at a very young age), can see sucker punch #2 coming, grabbed her by both wrists, and held her on her bed until she calmed down. If I would have done anything like that to my mother, I would have been knocked into next week. Both my other children are standing right there, watching the whole thing, my son is freaking out. I get up and go downstairs to get myself together. daughter gets on the cell phone and calls 89 year old Nana, this is all happening at 7:30am...

    Next thing the house phone is ringing, I'm getting a blast from Nana, daughter comes downstairs, cell phone in hand, smirking. I take cell phone away from daughter, she charges at me for the phone, knock phone out of my hand, phone smashes on the floor in a million pieces, daughter attempts 3rd sucker punch and I pin her down on the floor. She then spits in my face, calls me a "Cee U Next Tueday" (I can't even type the word, I find it so vulgar) varies other names that I won't mention, tells me I'm a bad mother, I'm going to hell, I've abused her all her life, she had to work for everything she has...etc.. etc...she not living here anymore, she has had enough. Out the door she goes. All I could say was don't let the door hit you in the butt on the way out!!

    I have no idea where she is, my family wont' return my calls (waiting for my Aunt to get home, she's out of town), daughter has blocked me on her Facebook, no cell phone. Frankly I don't even know if I want her to come home...I'm just at my wits end. I locked all the doors tonight, guess if she does show up she's sleeping in the car...she's over 16, so the police wont' get involved unless there's a dispute... anyone else been in the same boat??? I just don't know where to go from here.. I don't want my other kids having to live with this. She my daughter, I love her, but I hate her right now... all of this because she didn't get her own way....she's burn her bridges with my Aunt, her father, and now me... I don't really know if I want her home....I don't know how much more I can take.
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Why didn't you call the police when she hit you? Violence is a dealbreaker in our family. I'm sorry she did that to you. If you hop on over to the forum of Parent Emeritus (kids 18 and older and your son is close), you'll see that this isn't that uncommon, especially if drugs are involved, which I am guessing they are...and probably more than you know, since our difficult children are masters at being deceptive. Call the police now and report her missing. They may not do much as she is close to being of age, but right now she's NOT of age so I'd ask THEM to help, not the family. Your family doesn't know what to do with her either. Don't use them as your backup support. It won't help you, hon.

    After daughter's attempt to assault you for the phone, she would have to either work and buy her own phone and fund the service or live without one. Period. I am very strict about things like that. I would not pay for any electronics like internet or cell phone or a kid who breaks every rule in the house and has at seventeen already burned out all her relatives. She is probably going to bolt at eighteen, which is NOT a bad thing. You deserve to live in YOUR house in peace and quiet and your littler kids don't need to see your oldest one hitting you.difficult children tend to suck the oxygen out of the house and only THEY get attention. I would be planning her departure for her violence and disrespect and her obvious decision not to improve her behavior or go for any sort of counseling AND complying with it. You can't live this way. Your younger two shouldn't have to.

    You didn't tell us her background, but she is to that age where it no longer mattters...she is old enough to choose how she behaves. Is she willing to go for help? If not, if she ever touches you again, or defaces your home, or takes your car without permission, or threatens you to the point it scares you, I'd instruct the younger kids to call 9-1-1 or I'd do it. Nobody should allowed to behave that way...it is against the law for one thing.

    If you give her money, I'd cut off the money supply. She can get a job or be broke. I did this with my daughter when I found out she was using drugs and (shock) she got a job. All you need to do legally is to feed her the basic staple foods and give her a place to stay until her eighteenth birthday.

    This is beyond teen defiance.

    Hugs for your hurting mommy heart. Stand strong and set boundaries...if necessary call for help to protect yourself. Check her room when she's gone to see what she's up to, if she has drugs hidden (check the crevices, under mattress, in drawers, in unusal places), read her Facebook and her cell phone...sounds invasive but something horrible is going on with her and you can't help her if you don't know her secret world, the part she doesn't tell you about. And you have precious little time to legally be able to do anything at all to help her.Although I don't personally believe that elderly people should take on a crazed difficult child, you can't stop your family from doing what t hey want to do. Don't even try. You have control over only one person in this life...and it's you. You can't control your family's choices or your almost grown daughter, although you don't have to reward her horrible behavior by giving her perks. Although you can't control daughter, you can control your response to what she does.

    Read the book "Boundaries" by Townsend and Cloud. GREAT book. It will help you deal with her.

    My daughter was finally asked to leave at eighteen when we surprised her, coming home from a trip early, and found a rousing drug party going on in our home. She quit using drugs. Even quit smoking cigarettes, something I take seriously and did not allow her to do in our smoke free home. Today her life is good because she decided to dump the drugs and is basically a good person. She thinks it was the best thing that she was asked to leave...it lead to her leaving our town to be with her straight arrow brother (who was stricter than us) and gave her a chance to dump her scumbag friends. What are your daughter's friends like? Drug use? Stealing? Truant at school? Does your daughter go to school?

    I am so sorry for your recent loss. Hugs!!!
    Last edited: May 3, 2014
  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Oops. Sorry. Your difficult child is a he not a she.

    If anything that makes it even worse. Something wrong about a boy teen attacking his mother. Don't feel alone. If you go to Parent Emeritus you will find that many of us have been through that. My son shoved me around and liked to back me into a wall to intimidate me. Actually, my daughter who once used drugs is not my problem child. She is fine and doing great. It is my son, who I call 36, who has behaved similarly to your son. He lives in another state now and did at least get a good job. I am afraid to see him alone so I don't visit him. You can get my story and many others on that particular forum.

    People here are great parents. They are dealing mostly with kids who are still minors that are more within their control. Kids they can still restrain and force into counseling...kids who are not as big or strong as they are.

    Welcome to our nightmare...haha. Well, if you don't laugh at times, we may all start crying and never stop...

    Most of us on Parent Emeritus and learning to cope or have learned coping methods. Join us, if you feel the interest.
    Me, over 21, mood disorder/anxiety--doing VERY well (paroxotene,clonazapan)
    Hub over 21, good hub, great father
    SportsFan#1 35, mood disorder, panic disorder, anger issues
    PastryChef#29 adopted as infant, ex-drug addict, turned her life around
    Sonic 20 Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD), adopted at age 2, super young man, working full time
    Jumper 17, adopted at birth, ADD, friendly, great athlete, great kid

    easy child Dogs: shizu/chihuahua mix (Damian) and difficult child Yorkie/Bichon mix (Chloe)

    Read more: http://www.conductdisorders.com/community/threads/unintentional-defiance.57856/#ixzz30eZDu6Nz
  4. justour2boys

    justour2boys Momto2Boys

    I may get slammed for my opinion, but here goes. Beyond the issue of violence; for me, interfering with my parenting is a deal breaker with me. Your Grandmother and Mother don't support you as parent and greatly interfere... so the answer is very simple. Pack your difficult child's stuff, drop it at one of their houses, change the locks on your house and cancel every "extra" (ie cell phone) that you pay for. Then hold on to your hat and wait for the sh@% to hit the fan!! Oh and I sure would not let them access to (calls or visits) your other children! If they don't respect you as a parent, they should lose all access to being a grandparent!

    Now if that is not possible, she needs to have any and all privileges eliminated, now! Take the phone away (shut it off via the carrier) or call the carrier and put VERY strict restrictions on it so she can only call out to numbers you specify, then set a very small limit on the text "minutes" and data usage amounts for each month. Also, change the password on the wi-fi and do not give it to her. If the car is yours, take the keys back and lock them up. Give her nothing, no $, no clothes, no computer, no car, no phone, no wi-fi... no nothing! If you bought it, you own it, remove it from her.

    I guess my point is this, if she wants you to stop parenting and is violent with you, then stop parenting... only provide food and shelter, period and nothing else.
  5. nlj

    nlj Well-Known Member

    I would make it clear that you don't want her home.
    If Nana wants her then she can stay there.
    You need to start looking after yourself and reclaiming your life. You have a husband and two younger children to consider. More importantly, you have yourself to consider.
    Draw a line. Find strength. Start rejecting this behaviour, it's unacceptable. She is almost an adult, stop mothering her, it's doing her no favours.
  6. Confused

    Confused Guest

    I agree, if Nana wants her there, let her go. Im sorry you and your family are going through this, I understand the family getting involved, all with different opinions and "sides".( my issues) What about a temp stay in a hospital for anger issues? Im not sure if you can still put her in at 17, depends on the state. Im praying for you and Im sorry for your loss of your uncle.
  7. scaredofhim

    scaredofhim Member

    Just wanted to send you hugs and support. I feel for you. I have a pre-teen SS who I feel is headed down the same path. :(
  8. scootles

    scootles New Member

    This broke my heart.I feel like crying as these children don't care what they are doing to us.My daughter 26 told everyone on fb that I abused her.At age15 she asked me what I would do if shed run away.after that she started running away.she didn't go to school.eventually I had to file a fins petition and she was sent away.Nothing has changed she will cuss me out or treat me like crap when she doesn't get her way.she hasnevr
  9. scootles

    scootles New Member

    Never raised a hand to me.But it deeply saddened me to know my son did