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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 121446" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>It's fishy, I agree.</p><p></p><p>A story I've told here before - a good friend went to complain to the class teacher about her son being punished way out of proportion. I was there, because it involved me - I'd dropped a bottle of prescription painkillers and he had picked up the bottle, seen my name on it and thought, "I'll drop it in to her after school," when really he SHOULD have handed it in. He did the wrong thing but it was impulsive, not deceit. The teacher made a HUGE fuss, told him off in front of the class, called him a liar, a thief and a drug pusher, then got the office to ring his mother. I also got phoned to "come pick up your pills - and be more careful next time."</p><p></p><p>By the time school was over, my friend and I had worked out what had happened and were furious at the automatic assumption of serious guilt as well as the public shaming. The boy came home from school dejected and feeling hurt, the mother & I went to the school to have it out.</p><p></p><p>The teacher's response - "I'm glad you've come to talk to me about this, I've been meaning to call you in for a meeting for some time. Your son has been disruptive, he isn't a team player at all and in fact tends to be secretive and at times will be cold to his classmates. I've caught him lying before now, he's not popular with the other kids and frankly, is a real concern. His schoolwork has been suffering too."</p><p>My friend's reaction - it took the wind out of her sails. She had gone to defend her son, and found the picture was far more complex, far darker than she had believed. "Right! I'm sorry to have bothered you with this, Ms V, I'll deal with HIM when I get home. Sorry for the misunderstanding."</p><p>My friend went home and tore strips off her son for being exactly what his teacher had said he was - a liar, a sneak, lazy with work - and grounded him.</p><p>The poor lad - he had felt victimised to begin with, saw his mother set off on a crusade to clear his name and what he got was even worse, it would have been better if she had chosen to do nothing.</p><p>Meanwhile I couldn't get a word in edgewise. I finally managed to say, "There is no way he stole those pills from me, I had my bag with me at all times, but I know I left it open as I walked into the classroom when it began to rain, I'm certain the pills simply fell from my bag."</p><p>It took two days before my friend rang me up to say, "We were had."</p><p>Concerned that her son was doing badly, my friend went through her paperwork and especially his school half-yearly report, written by that same teacher only a few weeks earlier. In the report the teacher spoke glowingly of how well the boy worked with others, how he looked out for other kids in the class, how kind he was, how honest, how considerate - etc.</p><p>So either the teacher was lying in the report, or she lied to the mother (& me) when we confronted her.</p><p>What I think happened - the teacher found these pills because some other kid said, "K showed me what he picked up in the playground, then put them in his pocket." Her instant reaction was, "this kid is selling drugs, this is serious, he must be made an example of," without checking the story first. By the time she stopped to think about it, by the time she heard his story, she was beginning to realise she had over-reacted and was in way over her head.</p><p>Then we showed up. She could either back down (but she had already said and done too much, to back down would be to lose too much face) or she could bluff her way out of the problem by deflecting the mother's anger back at the son. And in this, she succeeded only too well. The boy got a lesson that said, "No matter how unfair the teacher is, do not complain to your parents because it will backfire in nasty and unexpected ways."</p><p></p><p>I had a similar experience in my middle school days - a teacher bullied me in front of the class in the middle of an exam. I complained to my mother, who went to the school to confront the teacher. Next thing I knew, my mother was giving me a hard time about how lazy I was and how badly I was doing in class, as well as how I shouldn't criticise my teachers, teaching is a thankless profession and kids have no idea how difficult it is and we should be grateful for the effort our teachers put in and learn to not criticise our elders...</p><p>My mother, it turned out, had been neatly deflected.</p><p>Years later, she told me the whole story and agreed that I had been unfairly treated.</p><p></p><p>From what you say, I believe this principal is trying to deflect you and turn up the heat on your difficult child, as a means to extricate herself from a bad situation of her own making.</p><p></p><p>He/She is a principal. They don't rise to that rank without learning a few tricks on making themselves look good. Sometimes they look good because they ARE - there are some brilliant educators/administrators out there who do a great job. But sometimes they do well professionally because they know how to sidestep the dirt and fling it in another direction.</p><p></p><p>You are doing something that she probably isn't happy with - you are investigating, and finding the holes in hr story. Remember, this blew up fast, her reaction would have been hasty. Now, with the luxury of time to think it through more clearly, both you and the principal are aware that this has got out of hand. It's going to take some fancy footwork to deal with this and move on.</p><p></p><p>When I posted previously, I wrote too much and had to delete another example of this sort of behaviour, of how a hasty and ill-conceived response can lead to bigger problems, which the person tries to cover up more and it can snowball.</p><p></p><p>The lesson this teaches, is that deception is warranted if you need to get out of trouble. If the trouble is big or compounding, then a bigger deception is needed, to sustain the first. This is not a good lesson.</p><p>The better lesson we can teach our kids, is that sometimes people make mistakes. If you own up to your mistakes quickly enough, you can keep the resultant problems small and they can be dealt with without too much trouble. But small 'white' lies lead to bigger, blacker ones and greater injustice.</p><p></p><p>And if your child can see that complaining to you about injustice results in action taken and injustice reduced, you are teaching him a positive lesson in how to appropriately respond to injustice - either personal injustice or larger social injustice. It also teaches him that he is worth this effort, at a time when he is being made to feel quite worthless indeed.</p><p></p><p>Good luck with this one, she sounds a prize problem to me. She's going to be as wily as one of those shape-shifting monsters you meet in many myths.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 121446, member: 1991"] It's fishy, I agree. A story I've told here before - a good friend went to complain to the class teacher about her son being punished way out of proportion. I was there, because it involved me - I'd dropped a bottle of prescription painkillers and he had picked up the bottle, seen my name on it and thought, "I'll drop it in to her after school," when really he SHOULD have handed it in. He did the wrong thing but it was impulsive, not deceit. The teacher made a HUGE fuss, told him off in front of the class, called him a liar, a thief and a drug pusher, then got the office to ring his mother. I also got phoned to "come pick up your pills - and be more careful next time." By the time school was over, my friend and I had worked out what had happened and were furious at the automatic assumption of serious guilt as well as the public shaming. The boy came home from school dejected and feeling hurt, the mother & I went to the school to have it out. The teacher's response - "I'm glad you've come to talk to me about this, I've been meaning to call you in for a meeting for some time. Your son has been disruptive, he isn't a team player at all and in fact tends to be secretive and at times will be cold to his classmates. I've caught him lying before now, he's not popular with the other kids and frankly, is a real concern. His schoolwork has been suffering too." My friend's reaction - it took the wind out of her sails. She had gone to defend her son, and found the picture was far more complex, far darker than she had believed. "Right! I'm sorry to have bothered you with this, Ms V, I'll deal with HIM when I get home. Sorry for the misunderstanding." My friend went home and tore strips off her son for being exactly what his teacher had said he was - a liar, a sneak, lazy with work - and grounded him. The poor lad - he had felt victimised to begin with, saw his mother set off on a crusade to clear his name and what he got was even worse, it would have been better if she had chosen to do nothing. Meanwhile I couldn't get a word in edgewise. I finally managed to say, "There is no way he stole those pills from me, I had my bag with me at all times, but I know I left it open as I walked into the classroom when it began to rain, I'm certain the pills simply fell from my bag." It took two days before my friend rang me up to say, "We were had." Concerned that her son was doing badly, my friend went through her paperwork and especially his school half-yearly report, written by that same teacher only a few weeks earlier. In the report the teacher spoke glowingly of how well the boy worked with others, how he looked out for other kids in the class, how kind he was, how honest, how considerate - etc. So either the teacher was lying in the report, or she lied to the mother (& me) when we confronted her. What I think happened - the teacher found these pills because some other kid said, "K showed me what he picked up in the playground, then put them in his pocket." Her instant reaction was, "this kid is selling drugs, this is serious, he must be made an example of," without checking the story first. By the time she stopped to think about it, by the time she heard his story, she was beginning to realise she had over-reacted and was in way over her head. Then we showed up. She could either back down (but she had already said and done too much, to back down would be to lose too much face) or she could bluff her way out of the problem by deflecting the mother's anger back at the son. And in this, she succeeded only too well. The boy got a lesson that said, "No matter how unfair the teacher is, do not complain to your parents because it will backfire in nasty and unexpected ways." I had a similar experience in my middle school days - a teacher bullied me in front of the class in the middle of an exam. I complained to my mother, who went to the school to confront the teacher. Next thing I knew, my mother was giving me a hard time about how lazy I was and how badly I was doing in class, as well as how I shouldn't criticise my teachers, teaching is a thankless profession and kids have no idea how difficult it is and we should be grateful for the effort our teachers put in and learn to not criticise our elders... My mother, it turned out, had been neatly deflected. Years later, she told me the whole story and agreed that I had been unfairly treated. From what you say, I believe this principal is trying to deflect you and turn up the heat on your difficult child, as a means to extricate herself from a bad situation of her own making. He/She is a principal. They don't rise to that rank without learning a few tricks on making themselves look good. Sometimes they look good because they ARE - there are some brilliant educators/administrators out there who do a great job. But sometimes they do well professionally because they know how to sidestep the dirt and fling it in another direction. You are doing something that she probably isn't happy with - you are investigating, and finding the holes in hr story. Remember, this blew up fast, her reaction would have been hasty. Now, with the luxury of time to think it through more clearly, both you and the principal are aware that this has got out of hand. It's going to take some fancy footwork to deal with this and move on. When I posted previously, I wrote too much and had to delete another example of this sort of behaviour, of how a hasty and ill-conceived response can lead to bigger problems, which the person tries to cover up more and it can snowball. The lesson this teaches, is that deception is warranted if you need to get out of trouble. If the trouble is big or compounding, then a bigger deception is needed, to sustain the first. This is not a good lesson. The better lesson we can teach our kids, is that sometimes people make mistakes. If you own up to your mistakes quickly enough, you can keep the resultant problems small and they can be dealt with without too much trouble. But small 'white' lies lead to bigger, blacker ones and greater injustice. And if your child can see that complaining to you about injustice results in action taken and injustice reduced, you are teaching him a positive lesson in how to appropriately respond to injustice - either personal injustice or larger social injustice. It also teaches him that he is worth this effort, at a time when he is being made to feel quite worthless indeed. Good luck with this one, she sounds a prize problem to me. She's going to be as wily as one of those shape-shifting monsters you meet in many myths. Marg [/QUOTE]
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