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Have i done the right thing?
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<blockquote data-quote="Deni D" data-source="post: 764208" data-attributes="member: 22840"><p>MandaC, I'm also sorry you are going through this. It's a terrible place to be. It's obvious you can't have him living with you. There's nothing different that would tell you he's any less volatile than he's been in the past. </p><p></p><p>I can't speak for what goes on in your son's head with his behaviors, the silent treatment, the smirking when he's able to push you over the edge and the blowing up. But when my son was doing these things to me, on the regular, it was because he was very angry with me over his life choices that got him where he was. The silent treatment was him biting his tongue, feeling like he had to deal with me, but didn't want to. The calm smirking after getting me to lose it was bone chilling and did have me thinking he was too far gone to ever act like a human again. He had no insight, was busy trying to normalize abnormal behaviors' and was just plain immature. He felt I caused his problems because I didn't accept him as he was and take care of him, regardless of what he did or didn't do. He thought unconditional love was me doing whatever he wanted, in the moment. He was unstable, unmedicated, drinking and drugging. I kind of boil it down to an ego thing, young person trying to be an adult with no idea what being an adult means. He's much better now but still a work in progress, I imagine he always will be, just like we are with whatever challenges we have.</p><p></p><p>In my case I went around in circles trying to help and then giving up, for 10 years. One thing I have figured out is that we can't get through to anyone who isn't looking for actual advice and support from us. Especially if the person see's us as the problem. Who's going to listen to the problem for support and solutions? It was other people, other experiences where my son didn't have a history with people where he was able to change, start to get stable, get a life and mature little by little. To this day the most I've gotten as far as an apology has been "sorry I was an <img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/2012/censored2.gif" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":censored2:" title="censored2 :censored2:" data-shortname=":censored2:" /> mom" which of course is fine. </p><p></p><p>Don't feel bad about telling him to not to come near you again. You are human, you are a mom, not a therapist dealing with a difficult person one hour a week in a controlled environment. </p><p></p><p>I'm thinking for you this might be a good time to get real clear on what you will and won't do for him. So you don't feel guilty and cave when he comes asking. For example I provided uber rides back and forth to doctors, paid the out of pocket expenses for doctors and prescriptions, things like that, no cash. For things like food I pointed my son to the food banks near him. Much later on when my son was stable and getting his life back together I helped him buy a car. But that was when I was sure the car wasn't going to be used like a clown car as he had done years before when he was unstable. </p><p></p><p>This is a place where you can gain your footing back and bring some sanity back into your life. Here is where I learned people do deal with our type of situations and survive. I had to learn to survive and step back long before anything positive happened with my son. And I had to learn that what I do for me to survive is only for me, what my son, another adult, chooses to do or not is his business. </p><p></p><p>Hang in there.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Deni D, post: 764208, member: 22840"] MandaC, I'm also sorry you are going through this. It's a terrible place to be. It's obvious you can't have him living with you. There's nothing different that would tell you he's any less volatile than he's been in the past. I can't speak for what goes on in your son's head with his behaviors, the silent treatment, the smirking when he's able to push you over the edge and the blowing up. But when my son was doing these things to me, on the regular, it was because he was very angry with me over his life choices that got him where he was. The silent treatment was him biting his tongue, feeling like he had to deal with me, but didn't want to. The calm smirking after getting me to lose it was bone chilling and did have me thinking he was too far gone to ever act like a human again. He had no insight, was busy trying to normalize abnormal behaviors' and was just plain immature. He felt I caused his problems because I didn't accept him as he was and take care of him, regardless of what he did or didn't do. He thought unconditional love was me doing whatever he wanted, in the moment. He was unstable, unmedicated, drinking and drugging. I kind of boil it down to an ego thing, young person trying to be an adult with no idea what being an adult means. He's much better now but still a work in progress, I imagine he always will be, just like we are with whatever challenges we have. In my case I went around in circles trying to help and then giving up, for 10 years. One thing I have figured out is that we can't get through to anyone who isn't looking for actual advice and support from us. Especially if the person see's us as the problem. Who's going to listen to the problem for support and solutions? It was other people, other experiences where my son didn't have a history with people where he was able to change, start to get stable, get a life and mature little by little. To this day the most I've gotten as far as an apology has been "sorry I was an :censored2: mom" which of course is fine. Don't feel bad about telling him to not to come near you again. You are human, you are a mom, not a therapist dealing with a difficult person one hour a week in a controlled environment. I'm thinking for you this might be a good time to get real clear on what you will and won't do for him. So you don't feel guilty and cave when he comes asking. For example I provided uber rides back and forth to doctors, paid the out of pocket expenses for doctors and prescriptions, things like that, no cash. For things like food I pointed my son to the food banks near him. Much later on when my son was stable and getting his life back together I helped him buy a car. But that was when I was sure the car wasn't going to be used like a clown car as he had done years before when he was unstable. This is a place where you can gain your footing back and bring some sanity back into your life. Here is where I learned people do deal with our type of situations and survive. I had to learn to survive and step back long before anything positive happened with my son. And I had to learn that what I do for me to survive is only for me, what my son, another adult, chooses to do or not is his business. Hang in there. [/QUOTE]
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