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Have i done the right thing?
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<blockquote data-quote="laugh" data-source="post: 764237" data-attributes="member: 31976"><p>Amanda - Thanks for your bravery. I believe you've taken the right action. Give yourself some time before reaching out to him again - he may contact you first. This isn't likely the end of your relationship but give him some space to think. At this point, he may need time to consider both his own actions as well as his relationship with you both.</p><p></p><p>You asked if his behaviour might suggest an Antisocial Personality Disorder, which are typically characterized by anti-social behaviour, manipulative conduct, lack of remorse. It's possible, but Deni's suggestion is likely more credible. His behaviour toward you seems more of an attempt at 'transference'. He may be ashamed of his behaviour both toward himself and you and tries to transfer some of that blame onto his mother. He sounds conflicted and demonstrates an inability to articulate his anger - silent treatment followed by rage. Although he's 23, he still demonstrates childlike behaviour around you - smirking when he's managed to get you to break the silence. </p><p></p><p>His volunteering to attend a homeless shelter and leave you alone doesn't suggest someone afflicted by an Antisocial Personality Disorder. He doesn't gain from this arrangement. Indeed, it seems an emotionally rationale response. It's possible he feels guilt and does not know how to deal with you; he also may believe that you are ashamed of him. When adult children feel they haven't met their parents' expectations, they can exhibit childlike behaviour in response. Did that smirk, tantrum and silent treatment remind you of his boyhood?</p><p></p><p>When the time comes, try a different strategy. Don't confront. Per Deni's comments, set some boundaries and don't react until they're reached. If he tries a silent treatment, just let it go. Try to 'reward' any positive behaviour and avoid negative comments. If he takes the dishes back to the counter, acknowledge it. If he talks about finding a job, let him know you're proud. If you provide him with the environment to be malleable, he might begin to shift. He's spent years building rules around his relationship with you (ignoring, begging for you, coming to you, silence), it'll be him that will have to initiate the change in the rules going forward.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="laugh, post: 764237, member: 31976"] Amanda - Thanks for your bravery. I believe you've taken the right action. Give yourself some time before reaching out to him again - he may contact you first. This isn't likely the end of your relationship but give him some space to think. At this point, he may need time to consider both his own actions as well as his relationship with you both. You asked if his behaviour might suggest an Antisocial Personality Disorder, which are typically characterized by anti-social behaviour, manipulative conduct, lack of remorse. It's possible, but Deni's suggestion is likely more credible. His behaviour toward you seems more of an attempt at 'transference'. He may be ashamed of his behaviour both toward himself and you and tries to transfer some of that blame onto his mother. He sounds conflicted and demonstrates an inability to articulate his anger - silent treatment followed by rage. Although he's 23, he still demonstrates childlike behaviour around you - smirking when he's managed to get you to break the silence. His volunteering to attend a homeless shelter and leave you alone doesn't suggest someone afflicted by an Antisocial Personality Disorder. He doesn't gain from this arrangement. Indeed, it seems an emotionally rationale response. It's possible he feels guilt and does not know how to deal with you; he also may believe that you are ashamed of him. When adult children feel they haven't met their parents' expectations, they can exhibit childlike behaviour in response. Did that smirk, tantrum and silent treatment remind you of his boyhood? When the time comes, try a different strategy. Don't confront. Per Deni's comments, set some boundaries and don't react until they're reached. If he tries a silent treatment, just let it go. Try to 'reward' any positive behaviour and avoid negative comments. If he takes the dishes back to the counter, acknowledge it. If he talks about finding a job, let him know you're proud. If you provide him with the environment to be malleable, he might begin to shift. He's spent years building rules around his relationship with you (ignoring, begging for you, coming to you, silence), it'll be him that will have to initiate the change in the rules going forward. [/QUOTE]
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