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General Parenting
Have i done the right thing?
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 764247" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>I think when it gets to this point there needs to be no contact except if somebody else is with you. Even if they're high they need to be held responsible for their behavior.</p><p></p><p>I don't think a diagnosis is important. Psychologists now are steering away from using these personality or characterological labels and they are not used by many. More to the point the focus has to be on you, not him. Your safety comes first. Your emotional well-being is just as important.</p><p></p><p>Clearly, the way he is acting towards you is toxic. It is unsettling, disrespectful, and counter-productive to communication and connection. He is responsible, not you, Why he does it is secondary. Its effects on you are primary. My message to you is to focus on the effects of his actions on you. And to take seriously his past actions and potential to repeat them.</p><p></p><p>All the emotions you feel, the guilt, fear, etc. what we call FOG, (fear, obligation, and guilt) are just noise. If we act on the basis of these feelings we go further down a black hole, and we act to empower the worst aspects of our children's behavior. How is it that the emotions that overcome us, our reactivity should govern our choices and actions? They shouldn't. This is not a judgment. Rather, if our children are acting badly we need to be motivated by clarity, goals, and responsibility to ourselves and to what is right: right for us, and for them. The right thing for our children is strict and clear boundaries and self-responsibility, if they are adults, for their own upkeep, and for the consequences of what they do. That's what I think.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 764247, member: 18958"] I think when it gets to this point there needs to be no contact except if somebody else is with you. Even if they're high they need to be held responsible for their behavior. I don't think a diagnosis is important. Psychologists now are steering away from using these personality or characterological labels and they are not used by many. More to the point the focus has to be on you, not him. Your safety comes first. Your emotional well-being is just as important. Clearly, the way he is acting towards you is toxic. It is unsettling, disrespectful, and counter-productive to communication and connection. He is responsible, not you, Why he does it is secondary. Its effects on you are primary. My message to you is to focus on the effects of his actions on you. And to take seriously his past actions and potential to repeat them. All the emotions you feel, the guilt, fear, etc. what we call FOG, (fear, obligation, and guilt) are just noise. If we act on the basis of these feelings we go further down a black hole, and we act to empower the worst aspects of our children's behavior. How is it that the emotions that overcome us, our reactivity should govern our choices and actions? They shouldn't. This is not a judgment. Rather, if our children are acting badly we need to be motivated by clarity, goals, and responsibility to ourselves and to what is right: right for us, and for them. The right thing for our children is strict and clear boundaries and self-responsibility, if they are adults, for their own upkeep, and for the consequences of what they do. That's what I think. [/QUOTE]
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