Have my own broom closet-irritated.

[DammitJanet]

I make no bones about the fact that I dont like Tony's family. I just dont. Its a two way street. They dont like me either.

It all started from the very beginning when they first set eyes on me because of the way he met me and his prior girlfriend thought they were still dating. That wasnt my fault. He hadnt seen her in well over a year and had broken up with her before he moved away from home but she chose not to believe him. He moved over 3 hours away from home too.

Lots of things happened over the years but the first was when not 2 months after we met his father got hurt and paralyzed and that is when his family met me. ALL his family shunned me and told Tony to leave me and that I was horrible and all sorts of nasty things. Some things were said outright to me in the hospital waiting room! Lovely people. Other assorted things happened over the years. His sister tried to tell welfare that I stole her welfare checks and cashed them so she could blame me for her not paying their grandmother back for a car. The family told everyone that I was a stripper from up north...lol. Yeah...me a stripper! They never met me when I weighed less than 190!

Now the issues:

They have never acknowledged anything that has happened with our boys or with the births of our grandkids. They didnt send a present when Billy or Jamie graduated HS or bootcamp. They didnt send anything when Keyana, Hailie or Michael were born. They didnt send anything when Jamie was married.

Now we have received invitations to graduations for nephews for Tonys nephew. We have received invitations to a wedding for a niece. All with RSVP's and those lovely where the people are registered papers. Tacky if you ask me. Also, this niece has been living with this guy for at least 2 years if not longer.

I just snorted when Tony opened the invites. Number one, they were addressed to the M family. I am not the M family...lol. We are the M and L family...lol. They should know this by now....its been 26 years.

I am probably being petty but this invite came right after Tony and I had a fight over his family. The night before my birthday. He just doesnt get it.

 

[Hound dog]

Ignore the invites. Tony may not like it, but there is such a thing as karma, reap what you sow, whatever you want to call it. This doesn't really have anything to do with your feelings about his family. They didn't bother or feel moved to celebrate your family milestones, no reason for you to bother to celebrate theirs. Know what I mean??

Being my husband's 2nd wife I had no idea what I was walking in to, mostly because husband left out any background on the real reason he divorced his 1st wife. I met his family on our honeymoon. (great huh?) His parents were wonderful, especially mother in law. But his brother was another story and his brother's daughter were another story. I read body language exceptionally well. I was hated upon first sight. Actually first time I met brother in law...my sister in law had to drag him into the bedroom and viciously remind him on how to be polite to guests in their house. She couldn't believe how rude he was acting. And of course I over heard most of it. (although she did try to prevent that)

I didn't find out the reason behind their cold hatred until several years later when husband's great aunt came to live with his parents. She also hated me on sight, although she clearly adored easy child and Travis who were babies. She was a southern lady to the hilt, but made it perfectly clear that I wasn't good enough for her to scrape her shoes on. After a few months of this (and her driving poor mother in law crazy) mother in law decided it was time to explain. Seems husband's ex left him because she caught him having an affair our of state with an old flame. (he'd went tdy to Illinois) After the divorce he got stationed in Illinois where I met him. (a year later) Seems all the family members who hated my guts all had it in their heads that I was the "mistress" who had broken up his first marriage. mother in law and sister in law are the only ones who believed me.

So I've lived with 27 years of cold shoulders and hard stares. My kids have also suffered unnecessarily. It deepened the rift between husband and his brother. And it's only been recently that husband brother has actually spoken to me instead of slipping out of the room as quickly as possible. lol

Never any family invites to anything. Although I did send all of easy child's baby clothes to my Niece when she was pregnant with her first child.......That got ignored and never repeated. So my kids never thought to include them in anything either. They never got invites to graduations, although when Travis graduated my nieces eldest also was graduating from the same school. They never got invited to easy child's wedding. And the only word they got on the grandkids was via mother in law.

And thanks to my brother in law's and nieces attitude.....neice's youngest child who is Nichole's age and living with her boyfriend with a baby.....Is here all alone (family all moved to virgina). There was never a relationship formed.....so we never think to include her in anything, although it's actually not intentional. She's a sweet kid.

You reap what you sow.

Those invites are meant to imply they want a gift. phooey! Dump 'em in the trash and forget about them.

Hugs

 

[DammitJanet]

Oh....Tony actually told me..."We are going to the wedding!" and "you will have to help me figure out how to do this registry thing!"

Oh heck no!

 

[Shari]

Guess I'd say I'd go to these weddings right after my own...

If your kiddos don't count because you aren't married to Tony, then what should Tony's family's kiddos count to you.

He can go alone or he can marry you first so you'll be "obligated". lol

Ok, not really being serious, but sheesh.

 

[1905]

They seem like they just want the gift. And I wouldn't even respond, no, they aren't worth it. You have a beautiful family and if they want to send out an olive branch that isn't the way. A nice call, where bygones can be bygones, they're looking forward to seeing you, and you telll each other about yourselves and families, maybe even a few apologies, but seriously- ignore it.

 

[witzend]

If you don't want to go, you shouldn't have to go. If Tony wants to go, he should feel free. My mother also sent all of our cards and letters to us as Mr. and Mrs. W., even though my name was "S", the same as hers. I didn't take husband's name for many many years. L is legally named L S-C. She only used C, her dad's name. My mom doesn't know her address and won't ask. So everything comes to my house for her addressed as L S-C.

I have to admit, that if I am addressing cards to people with more than one last name, if either of them are more than 4-5 letters, I'm going to choose one, and it will likely be the man's. Yours would definitely got to "The M Family" if I knew and wanted to invite both of you.

 

[GoingNorth]

I use a hypenated last name (maiden and married)...anything I used to get in the mail for both of us came to 'Mr and Mrs S'

I think it's just how it works but I'm not sure of the etiquette on it. I don't mind being addressed as Ms or Mrs S in day to day situations, but I do get annoyed when official paperwork drops the first part of my surname.

 

[DammitJanet]

Thing is...we are not married! These folks well know it and point it out quite frequently. In fact, I am told to my face that if something should happen to Tony that I would have to move my trailer within 30 days because this property would revert to them.

 

[mstang67chic]

Do you have a common-law ...um.....law there? I mean honestly....the two of you have been together for HOW long? Geesh.

 

[DammitJanet]

NC doesnt recognize common law which is in fact, fortunate for me. I actually dont want to marry again. First time left a bad taste in my mouth...lol. Perfectly happy with this arrangement!

 

[Mattsmom277]

Janet, I agree with whoever said if Tony wants to attend he should. But there is no reason for you to attend to celebrate an event with people you don't like, who don't like you, and who haven't ever done anything to celebrate your family milestones over the year.

My ex's family was much like your situation with Tony's family. From the get go I was "A wagonburner" , a foul disgusting term for the fact that I am aboriginal. Months before they met me, they waged an open campaign to have him dump me and find someone "more in keeping with his kind". They were blatant about it. To my face, whispered comments I was meant to overhear and pretend they didn't know I heard etc. As a matter of fact, the most painful thing they ever did was a direct shun of my children. They arrived in town en masse during Christmas holidays. On Christmas eve, they were all coming to MY house to have a family get together. They brought no hostess gift, they offered no contribution to the food table. They had told us their liquor and wine preferences ahead of time to ensure we'd have their drinks of choice (Knowing that I don't allow any consumption of alcohol in my childrens presence). Anyhow, there were about 12 people all together. They arrived each bringing a ton of gifts for the only child in the family, his cousins baby who was about 18 months old. When they arrived with overloaded bags and boxes of gifts, they slid them in front of our Christmas tree. My kids eyes lit up, not so much because of the contents of gifts, but because they thought his family had thought of them. So finally his cousin and her toddler arrive and the gifts start being brought out. Can you imagine a 18 month old baby getting 34 gifts (I still remember the number!) with my then 10 year old and 4 year old sitting there watching on Christmas eve? Not once of these adults looked at all embarassed or bothered by the obvious hurt to my children. I'll never forget that day. They also bought a gift for the other adults and they all exchanged. They all had a gift from us to them. Not one gift was purchased for my ex and I. Not even the typical hostess gift. And they thought nothing of behaving in that way while sitting by my Christmas tree, drinking pricey alcohol I purchased, eating the terrific food I prepared, etc.

Needless to say, that was the last time I ever allowed them into my own. All of them. My ex did go to a few family functions following that fiasco. I was never asked. From the day we met and even after moving in together, he was always asked alone, without the kids or me. I wouldn't have gone if I had been asked following that display of nastiness at Christmas. I didn't make excuses to my ex either. I was flat out open about the fact I wouldn't attend his families functions due to the fact that they were horribly cruel and hateful people towards me. I also told him, and meant it, that he should attend when he wants to attend. Just don't pressure me, as I've made my mind up. From then on, it wasn't an issue for us. I let him do his own thing with them, and I ignored them.

As for not being married to Tony, regardless of wether your state recognizes common law marriages or not, regardless of your name, you are Tony's wife. His spouse. Mother of his children. Life partner.

PS. When it comes to live in relationships, when I send a invite I do put Mr and Mrs. XYZ on the invite. Simply because to me, it is respecting the relationship as a committed one, which is what marriage really is

 

[DaisyFace]

Janet--

I come from a family that has "strained" relationships, to put it mildly...

So when I was getting married, I made it a point to send invitations to all those estranged relatives. I thought it would be nice to extend an olive branch.

Then, my own mother got on the phone after the invitations went out and basically "un-invited" all the relatives I had invited....and those that offered to send a gift anyway? So told them No Way!...because she didn't want to have to send gifts to their kids' weddings in return.

So my efforts at peace were thwarted anyway....ugghh!

Based on my own experience...I couldn't help wondering if the invitation you received was from the niece herself....trying to make peace in the family...? If so, what's the harm in having a nice relationship with Tony's niece? Go to the wedding, have a wonderful time....

What's the worst that could happen? Maybe you will be more popular with this second generation of relatives than you are with the first?

--DaisyFace

 

[DammitJanet]

MM...how horribly cruel. I dont know that these folks would be that cruel to the kids. They did imply that Jamie wasnt Tony's for the first few years but after that they stopped saying anything because he started looking so much like their youngest brother. Now, all the boys in the family look a whole lot alike.

Whats funny is that I was adamant that Jamie was named after both Tony and Tony's father because Tony's father was hurt so badly right before Jamie was conceived. No one knew how long he would live and I wanted Jamie to carry on his name. No grandchild to that point had his name. Tony's father was named James Laylon. So I picked Anthony James for Tony and his father. We called him Jamie. Later one of Tony's brothers had a boy and named him Kenneth James and everyone swore HE was the first James...lol.

Now Michael is the first with Laylon in his name. Do you think we have honored this side of the family enough? I begged for one name for my side of the family and get shot down because I dont count.

I think I am going to find out how much it costs to change my name back to my maiden name so I can just get over myself. I wanted it done when I got my divorce but the lawyer messed up.

 

[Mattsmom277]

I remember reading your posts a while back about the family names thing. I think its terrific that you chose to name Jamie for the reasons that you did. I remember well how hurt you were that another child was named after Tony's family and how much you wanted to have a grandchild named after someone in your family. I'm sorry to hear it still hurts you to think of it. I imagine alot of the hurt comes from how Tony's family has treated you all these years. Could well be that it wouldn't faze you at all if they were good people towards you and your children. I hate to hear you still hurt by it though. For what its worth, naming a child after someone meaningful in the family can be a true honor. Other times, many people just follow the common tradition.

My easy child has my mothers name in her middle names. I hate it. I have regrets sometimes for having done this, given my mother is the root cause of my post traumatic stress disorder. Yet, most of the time, now that I've dealt with the decision more, I just tell myself I did what was expected by some in the family and in the end, its just a name. Sometimes a name can have great meaning. Other times, its just a word. Thats how I consider it (most of the time anyhow).

 

[Star*]

First of all - you can't have brooms in your closet.......you can have vacuums because your family really hoovers. Two Hoovers....hahah. Ah yes I love naming or renaming things.


I think I would get dressed and go. Not for them, not for the lack of their manners, not for the sake of keeping the peace either. I would go for Tony. For 20 years he's had to sit back and endure whatever koi his family has or had not tossed his way regarding HIS S/O and the boys he has raised as HIS, and now HIS grandchildren. YOU, JAMIE, BILLY, CORY, and all your Grands ARE HIS FAMILY.

I would imagine that whatever is going through is mind at this point is to show them that he DID make the right decision in staying with you because you are the bigger person, and you did raise the nicer children, and you DO have lovely grandchildren. It's THEM that have the problem. Not you.

Did it hurt over the years? Yup. Don't you think it hurt Tony too? Don't you think it would be nice for him to take HIS S/O and march into that wedding hall with YOU and just STAND there after TWENTY years and show them - KISS MY WHITE HINEY - WE ARE STILL TOGETHER - I HAVE BABIES THAT CALL MEEEEEEE GRANDPA???

I think he deserves to go and be supported by the woman that he's stood by - I really do. You don't have to like them ever, but if you love him? I think this would be a nice thing to do for him.

You don't even have to stay long - or even for the reception. But maybe Tony would just like the chance to (put his fingers under his chin and flick it out at them) -even if only in his mind.

Sorry shugg.....I have an x family that I endured for years too....still am...and not by my choice either. So I know where you're at with this.

 

[flutterby]

I think if it is important to Tony that you go, that you go for him and take his family out of the equation.

 

[trinityroyal]

Janet, I think the key thing you need to know before you can decide is: WHY. Why does Tony want to go to this wedding?

If it's as Star suggested, then I think you should go with your head held high and a smile on your face. Kill 'em with kindness.

If, on the other hand, Tony wants to go despite the way his relatives have treated his family over the years, then that's another story altogether. In that case, I would want nothing to do with them or their blankety-blank wedding.

Trinity

 

[JJJ]

MM - I would have thrown them out of my house. I'm sure you were too stunned at their ill manners and blatant cruelty to do anything. I'm livid just reading that!!

 

[DammitJanet]

Tony goes to see them once every so often. His sister and her family actually lived down here for 2 years or so back in the mid nineties.

Tony's youngest brother does come down to visit us every couple years. He is the only one I can stand. The next one up actually tried to kill Billy and me when he first me by driving over a 100 mph down winding country roads in the mountains of SC. Yes, he admitted that was his intent.

This niece cant stand me and has tried to get her mother and uncles to legally evict me from this property, so no, Im not going to her wedding. I cant imagine why they would even send the darned invitations to be honest. I think Jamie stirred the pot because he called up there recently. He does that every so often. I cant stop him from or Tony from having relationships with these people. Jamie has actually said something about maybe moving up there to live and work. I told him to think long and hard about that because it will mean I wont be coming to visit him again.

 

[flutterby]

Ok, with the new information on the niece, I wouldn't go. Bleck. We don't need that kind of koi in our lives.