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havin troubles with my 3 year old boy
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 182808" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>For your husband - it's very hard to accept that someone you dearly love could be flawed. For a lot of blokes it's even more difficult when it's a son, a much-wanted son to be the man they want him to be.</p><p>A flawed son - doesn't exist in his vocabulary. Denial is easier than grief. Because husband will have to grieve, and that is something else blokes aren't always very good at (sorry, all you fellas on this site - but I think you know this is true).</p><p></p><p>I saw a similar thing in my own family when I first became physically disabled with a mystery illness. I'm the baby of the family, they didn't like to see me in pain. They preferred the fiction that I was going nuts, because that was preferable. Over time (it took years) they slowly accepted that I am disabled and in constant pain. Another part of the problem for me was that as the youngest, I shouldn't have been the first to look and seem old. That made them see their own impending mortality and ageing as looming closer than they wanted to accept.</p><p></p><p>I had a similar experience to you and husband, with my oldest sister when her second son was a toddler. I was worried about him because he just didn't seem right. The picture was complicated because another sister (who was perceived as my mother's favourite) was staying with us and my eldest sister felt everyone was ganging up on her and her darling boy.</p><p>I took the plunge and went to talk to her to say I wanted her to get him tested. </p><p>"I suppose mum and our sister put you up to this?" she snarled. "well you can go back and tell them they wasted their time. And you can all mind your own business."</p><p>We had a blazing row, loads of tears and I finally convinced her I wasn't a messenger, I was on her side and I was really worried.</p><p>What convinced her - I said that I loved the boy and would be delighted to be proved wrong. But if I was NOT wrong, then finding out sooner would give him the best chance possible to get the problem fixed. I also suggested she be secretive about the appointment so she didn't have to field any smug attitudes from our sister and mother along the lines of, "I'm glad you finally saw sense and made the appointment for him." Then when the specialist gave the boy the all-clear, in writing, she could go and rub our mother's and sister's nose in it and I would help.</p><p>That won her over - being able to prove the fears groundless. (as it turned out, she did tell my mother and sister she was getting the boy assessed, I think because she was finally realising he did have problems. It was put down to mild spasticity due to oxygen starvation soon after birth - my sister had twice found him in the hospital nursery, blue and not breathing. However, looking at him now decades later, we think he's also Aspie).</p><p></p><p>Could you say to husband, "I hope you're right. But I need to KNOW you're right and have a doctor reassure me."</p><p></p><p>If your son is Aspie then he will be in good company. It's the Aspies of the world who can achieve amazing things and take the world in different directions. Albert Einstein, Bill Gates, Gregor Mendel are some names that come to mind quickly. I can think of others you may not have heard of including a cousin of mine, a musical genius who reached very high rank in the classical music world. My sister (the eldest one I just mentioned, we actually talked about this when I visited her last week) remembers our cousin at 15, sitting at our parents' dining table with some manuscript, writing an orchestral score from something playing in his head. He wrote prolifically through the 50s, 60s and 70s. He also in later years did a lot of work with autism, and was one of the first to try music as therapy in autism.</p><p></p><p>Have you read "The Explosive Child" yet? If so, practice the techniques on husband, for a start. It may seem crazy, but it can work! (Just don't tell him)</p><p>I find that the technique also works for large organisations, such as dept of ed. I firmly believe that just as some individuals can be autistic, so can some organisations. Think about it - communication issues, poor or inappropriate social interaction, meticulous and blind following of rules (a lot of which they worked out for themselves), and being reactive rather than proactive. Also, very literal-minded. And obsessed utterly to minute detail in a very narrow area.</p><p></p><p>Sound familiar?</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 182808, member: 1991"] For your husband - it's very hard to accept that someone you dearly love could be flawed. For a lot of blokes it's even more difficult when it's a son, a much-wanted son to be the man they want him to be. A flawed son - doesn't exist in his vocabulary. Denial is easier than grief. Because husband will have to grieve, and that is something else blokes aren't always very good at (sorry, all you fellas on this site - but I think you know this is true). I saw a similar thing in my own family when I first became physically disabled with a mystery illness. I'm the baby of the family, they didn't like to see me in pain. They preferred the fiction that I was going nuts, because that was preferable. Over time (it took years) they slowly accepted that I am disabled and in constant pain. Another part of the problem for me was that as the youngest, I shouldn't have been the first to look and seem old. That made them see their own impending mortality and ageing as looming closer than they wanted to accept. I had a similar experience to you and husband, with my oldest sister when her second son was a toddler. I was worried about him because he just didn't seem right. The picture was complicated because another sister (who was perceived as my mother's favourite) was staying with us and my eldest sister felt everyone was ganging up on her and her darling boy. I took the plunge and went to talk to her to say I wanted her to get him tested. "I suppose mum and our sister put you up to this?" she snarled. "well you can go back and tell them they wasted their time. And you can all mind your own business." We had a blazing row, loads of tears and I finally convinced her I wasn't a messenger, I was on her side and I was really worried. What convinced her - I said that I loved the boy and would be delighted to be proved wrong. But if I was NOT wrong, then finding out sooner would give him the best chance possible to get the problem fixed. I also suggested she be secretive about the appointment so she didn't have to field any smug attitudes from our sister and mother along the lines of, "I'm glad you finally saw sense and made the appointment for him." Then when the specialist gave the boy the all-clear, in writing, she could go and rub our mother's and sister's nose in it and I would help. That won her over - being able to prove the fears groundless. (as it turned out, she did tell my mother and sister she was getting the boy assessed, I think because she was finally realising he did have problems. It was put down to mild spasticity due to oxygen starvation soon after birth - my sister had twice found him in the hospital nursery, blue and not breathing. However, looking at him now decades later, we think he's also Aspie). Could you say to husband, "I hope you're right. But I need to KNOW you're right and have a doctor reassure me." If your son is Aspie then he will be in good company. It's the Aspies of the world who can achieve amazing things and take the world in different directions. Albert Einstein, Bill Gates, Gregor Mendel are some names that come to mind quickly. I can think of others you may not have heard of including a cousin of mine, a musical genius who reached very high rank in the classical music world. My sister (the eldest one I just mentioned, we actually talked about this when I visited her last week) remembers our cousin at 15, sitting at our parents' dining table with some manuscript, writing an orchestral score from something playing in his head. He wrote prolifically through the 50s, 60s and 70s. He also in later years did a lot of work with autism, and was one of the first to try music as therapy in autism. Have you read "The Explosive Child" yet? If so, practice the techniques on husband, for a start. It may seem crazy, but it can work! (Just don't tell him) I find that the technique also works for large organisations, such as dept of ed. I firmly believe that just as some individuals can be autistic, so can some organisations. Think about it - communication issues, poor or inappropriate social interaction, meticulous and blind following of rules (a lot of which they worked out for themselves), and being reactive rather than proactive. Also, very literal-minded. And obsessed utterly to minute detail in a very narrow area. Sound familiar? Marg [/QUOTE]
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