Having a bad time of it...

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Bean, Jan 20, 2010.

  1. Bean

    Bean Member

    Hey guys. I'm having a hard day today. My daughter, who is 18, is living with my parents. My parents are trying to be better with her and enabling her less, but she pretty much comes and goes as she pleases, is on the phone and computer all day, and has been stealing money from my mom's purse. She's on probation, but her PO is about as useful as wet matches on a camping trip. Maybe worse, because he's an enabler.

    At any rate, I haven't had much of a relationship with her as of late. Can't talk about anything unless it is me, sitting on the phone listening to her lies and never EVER challenging her on anything.

    This past weekend she had a bad trip of "e" so we had to pick her up and bring her to my parent's house. She had a moment of clarity and babbled on for quite some time about her use, and how it has had a negative effect on her life. Contemplated if she was an addict, stuff like that.

    And then the next day - back to SOS.

    Just got off the phone with her today. One of those conversations where I call her on her lies and challenge her on her use. And basically, ended up feeling like doo-doo. I don't know if I feel worse when I sit there and listen to her babble and don't challenge her, or when we get into it and end on a bad note. Both stink.

    And today I'm very much feeling like there's no hope. Like she's off paper and she'll split. She pretty much doesn't care about us, her family - and certainly isn't going to call her "occasional weed use" a problem. She thinks she's a normal 18-year-old kid, and we're jerks who are jealous of her and her ability "do what she wants to do."

    I could use a hug, even if it's from a message board.
    Lasted edited by : Jan 20, 2010
  2. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Awww...Im so sorry. Heres a hug.

    I was reading back over some old posts today and just broke down in tears. Gosh they were bad old days. Good news is that things are better now. So there is hope. Things are in no ways perfect but compared to the posts I typed back then, oh it is a change.

    I honestly think that it was harder dealing with my son from 17 to 21 than from birth onward. And trust me, his early years were no picnic.
  3. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Honestly, I wouldn't bother challenging her on her lies, or her drug use. It isn't likely to end the way you want it to ... with a confession, apology, and promise to change. It's more likely to end in arguments and denial, as you have already experienced. It's just not worth the emotional energy, in my opinion. I've learned to simply not discuss certain things, to nod and smile when the lies start coming, and to practice the responses you can find in the archives here:


    Have you looked into Al-Anon or Nar-Anon in you area? They're both great resources in practicing those detachment skills and getting great support for yourself, not to mention getting real-life hugs. For now, consider yourself cyber-hugged :)
  4. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Sending many, many hugs.
  5. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    Bean, what if you hadn't gone to pick her up after her bad trip?

    I agree with Crazy that it's useless to argue with them. Please check out the link she posted- those responses and "the bobblehead" have gotten most of us through the last few years.

    With Rob I stopped calling him and sat back until he called me. If he was disrespectful or obnoxious I either told him to change his tune or I'd hang up, or I'd make an excuse and hang up. It took a very long time for him to learn that I was just not going to tolerate it anymore.

    Caller ID is also critical. If we had ended a bad call and he called back, I'd ignore it. (and I'd probably post here to vent and to give me strength to continue to ignore it)

    Anyway, they get better by baby steps as we get better by baby steps in detaching.

    In the meantime....here's a big hug.

  6. ThreeShadows

    ThreeShadows Quid me anxia?

    Bean, huge but gentle hugs.

    I've been there with difficult child 2 and he threw me out of his hospital room. It hurt like heck.

    Things are better now. He feels like a different person.

    Your daughter is having a relationship with her chemical of choice and at this time that leaves no room for other relationships (family).

    I'm sorry you are suffering.
    Lasted edited by : Jan 20, 2010
  7. Bean

    Bean Member

    Thank you all. Appreciated.

    I actually apologized to her a little later, and she to me. I didn't apologize for my words so much, but for the delivery. And then she went off (on her own volition) to group. She said she needed it and needed to be honest there, too, since her problems were bigger than she admitted to there.

    I did attend my first al-anon meeting last week and have been back twice since. I can't get there as much as I feel I need to right now (which would be every day, sometimes twice a day), but have found it a useful tool. I'll also check out the link. Hugs back to ya.