Having a hard time "AGAIN"

[missy44]

I don't know where I left off, but I'll move along to our current scenario.

Our difficult child was on a good path, had a job, was in college (for a second time) and living with his girlfriend. He stopped seeing his psychiatrist and started hanging out with old friends again, I couldn't stand his high maintenance girlfriend (although she is drug free and has a pretty good head on her shoulders, she was just very disrespectful to me). Well, our difficult child got fired from his job (he's had five jobs in 6 months, most of the time he just doesn't show up, this time they fired him), he started skipping classes so my husband and I said "we've had enough", we've been down this road before and if you're not going to help yourself there is nothing more we can do. We showed him the door.

Fast forward, he was living off his girlfriend. She is in college, works part time and he just sat around and lived off her. After a few months she kicked him out (he wasn't being faithful and his pot smoking was getting to her). He showed up on our doorstep, garbage bag of clothes on our front step and we told him to come in while we called the shelter. He was so upset that we wouldn't let him stay. In my heart I wanted to let him stay, but I knew that nothing had changed.

He panicked and asked if he could call some friends, I said sure, and he found someone to stay with. Actually, it's a nice family that lives just a few blocks from us. I'm sooo embarassed and feeling guilty about what these people must think of me as a mother. I know I shouldn't worry about these things, my son is almost 20 now and makes his own decisions, but I can't help myself from worrying. I haven't called this family, I don't want to discuss our issues for fear they'll throw him out.

Fast forward to today... A few weeks ago my son managed to get a job all on his own! I'm proud of him for that. It's full time, he's finished training and he starts tomorrow. He asked my husband and I if he could move back home and I told him we had to discuss things and I would get back to him. I also told him that if we agreed it wouldn't happen right away and that he should plan to start his job and we'd talk about things later.

My husband and I are thinking that we'll give him one more shot, albeit with a list of rules that our difficult child might not agree to. Rent, no friends in our home, he must keep a job, help out, no drugs, etc.... We've typed a contract. I'm still holding off on talking to my difficult child, i don't want him to think that we're jumping at bringing him back into our home. In fact, we have really enjoyed some peace, and we're not looking forward to him coming back.

I don't trust my difficult child, I don't like his manipulative, lazy ways, but I do love him. I've really detached this time though, and if he screws up "once" I won't have a problem putting him on the street. I'll always love him, but I've realized that I also love myself, my husband and my other children too. Am I a bad mother for feeling spent with my difficult child? Should I be feeling differently? I've never felt this way before. I'm just sooo over his sob stories. I'm embarassed by his choices.

I still have hope that one day he'll change...

Thanks for listening everyone... feels good to get it out.

 

[everywoman]

You are not wrong for feeling like you do. If you look at my post right before yours, my difficult child also asked to move back---he had a sob story to give, and I listened, and then told him no. It was hard to do, but something I needed to do for me and my family---and for him as well. Read Ant's mom post in Substance Abuse forum. It helped strengthen my resolve to make him face the consequences of his choices.

 

[BusynMember]

No, you're being a good, loving mother for not enabling him to take drugs and drop out of life AND for protecting your other kids and respecting yourself and your hub so that ALL of you can be the best you can be.

Your son is probably not going to follow your rules, but in my opinion you have to be very firm. I wouldn't beg him to come home. I'd make him sign the contract and if he violates anything, bring it out so he can be reminded that HE agreed to the rules.

And don't expect miracles. Go one day at a time. I would also join Narc-Anon. It's very helpful. Good luck to all of you.

 

[DammitJanet]

I dont think you are being tough or mean at all. Sometimes we just get to the end of our rope with these kids and we know that the end is the end. We dont stop loving them but we do stop catering to every whim. We stop being doormats.

If he agrees to the contract and you want to let him back, thats your decision.

Good luck and many good wishes. Hugs.

 

[Star*]

Hi Missy,

Wow you sure have been though a lot since you've been gone. I'm impressed with your ability to have seen your son at the door with garbage bag full of clothes and say no. I know that must have been very hard.

Dude is staying with us now. We took him in after foster care gave him almost no time to find another home and then the caseworkers dumped his case. Oddly enough since October all of these "Oh we want to see him succeed" people? Haven't even called us once. Wow - 5 months after 10 years and not even a follow up call. Nice.

I think if this were your ONLY child? It may have a better chance of success. Even with Dude being our only kid? It's been really up and down. The biggest adjustment for all of us was that the foster family literally just collected a paycheck but told us they were doing everything in their power to help. This included - no curfew, not monitoring his friends, not taking away the keys to his car, not locking his car up with no license or tags...I mean how hard is that? YOU OWE a TOW YARD. And as far as curfew? Two parents hiding in the dark flipping in the lights yelling SURPRISE.....go back outside....the house is closed you weren't here on time...sleep inthe yard..here's a blanket. Means a little something. So does...you choose your own company - but that kid that smells like marijuana? He can't come here any more.

So I guess you could make a list of rules....and keep him out? But my thoughts are if he's out now? WHY can't he find friends and stay out on his own? Is he afraid he'll use again/vs. sobriety? Or is it a money thing in which he wants a flop house so he can go out, spend money and party too. I mean if there is a rule about you will sign your checks over to us and save save save for an apartment? Then yeah....but most 19 year olds? OH fleamarket, movies, party.......and then on Monday? You ask them to buy their own package of socks....because they are asking YOU for a pair and you ask THEM where is their money and they show you a $35 ball cap, a new pair of Nikes and a pre-paid cell phone....and they're broke and you're furious.

Really think it through about ALL the angles.......food, rent, utilities, soap powder, shampoo, razors, clothes, rides to and from places, insurance, phones, maybe......make a list of ALL the things he did that really made everyone uncomfortable......and then go over that list with husband.....and see what can be done. The other kids have a right to feel safe. So do you.

Also locks on the doors......things like that. I mean we thought it through with Dude like NO ONES business and we had 2 weeks to plan.....and still we are finding things that are like....(slap head) HOW did we miss THAT....and yet again......we think WHY should we have to think HOW did we miss that? it's OUR HOME. See? (oh and if he needs more garbage bags, get ahold of Suz....she has a connection.link...lol)

Hugs
Star