Having a hard time.

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by rejectedmom, Feb 5, 2013.

  1. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    I found out that someone my difficult child befriended in prison got off on first degree murder charges due to tecnicalities. I found out from the guy's mother that he was out of prison and doing well. To me she sounded extremely light hearted and happy. Her son did the murder by his own admission and that of some witnesses. I guess I just don't understand how you can be joyful when you know your child killed someone. I get that she can't say anything about the case since he can still be prosecuted, though not likely...but that note of joy in her voice when I asked how she was doing and she gave me her news is haunting me.
    Maybe since I have a son who in jail for assault and who will serve several years for it. I don't know but I do know I wouldn't be happy if he had such light consequences for hurting someone let alone killing them.

    So I'm a jumble of emotions right now anger and outrage that a person who comitted murder is out while my son is having the book thrown at him for assault and looking at 17 years in prison when all is said and done. Anger that my son befriended a murderer and his mother thus bringing their stuff into my life. Dissapointed that my son still maintains a relationship with this enabler mother figure. Frightened that my son, who has trouble with figuring out consequences in the first place, has learned that people do get away with murder and might hook up with this guy in the future. I have been horribly nauseous since I heard about this. Not sure how I am gonna put this one to rest. -RM
    Last edited: Feb 5, 2013
  2. Siobhan Harper

    Siobhan Harper New Member

    RM, I don't have any words of wisdom, unfortunately. Just want to let you know that I would be upset, too. While I'm sure that most parents would be happy when their child was released from prison, unbridled joy seems a bit much, considering the circumstances here. Think you nailed it when you said she is an enabler. Is there any way you can arrange to have her and her newly free son restricted from visiting/contacting your son while he is incarcerated? No doubt he has enough challenges without the dubious influence of these two in his life.

    Blessings and best of luck,
  3. Lothlorien

    Lothlorien Active Member Staff Member

    You are right to be angry and hurt. I would be too.
  4. buddy

    buddy New Member

    That would affect me on many levels too. Does the serenity prayer help you? I'm sending you much support. sorry it's rough right now.
  5. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    I hit "like" even though that would NOT be my first word choice.
    "Agree" or "commisserate" or "empathize" would be more appropriate.
    Life is not fair. They must have had a really good atty. I am so sorry that it is working out this way. I don't know how to suggest things to do to stop rolling it around in your mind, because I tend to do that, too. It helps me to get outside and go for walks or to just do something completely different and unrelated to my difficult child.
    I'm sending support.
  6. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

  7. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm sorry RM, I would be bothered by all of that too. And, it seems so unfair, I know. There are many feelings jumbled together and battling each other within you. Perhaps meditation? Prayer? A long walk tomorrow in a lovely place? A long hot bath? Some nurturing experience or something completely different. Many, many gentle hugs coming your way........
  8. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    Thank you ladies. I went to a dinner with one of my clubs tonight. Fun conversation and good food. Took my mind off of it and allowed me to eat something. Tomorrow night I have another meeting I might attend (weather permitting) that should be equally as distracting. I need to resolve this inside my head somehow though because as soon as I'm quiet it comes back.

    I still think it is horrid that the family of the deceased man has no sence of justice no real closure. The guy was a father and just sitting outside talking on the phone when he was gunned down. Apparently he had called the police when the murderer had gotten into a fight outside his apartment on a previous occasion. It was apremeditated and vicious murder.

    I am trying to convince myself that this woman was just happy that someone was being nice to her and that is what I heard in her voice. I am sure she has gotten alot of hateful comments directed at her over the last year or so. That said, I wish she was not communicating with my son. I do not think it is healthy for him but my son is over 18 and I have no say as to who he talks to. With his ODD, if I told him how I felt he would probably just do it more. I am hoping he will just bother the heck out of the woman and she will stop taking his calls. difficult child is obsessive and will call 14 times a day if you don't pick up. She did comment a little on that, so here is hoping things will take care of themselves.
  9. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    I would be upset by the injustice as well and also that this mother, this parent, would feel happy that her son 'with away with it'...that does not sit well with me at all. I'm so sorry it has you so unsettled. Do you have to interact with her? If you don't, I wouldn't. Hugs.
  10. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    I know I'd be angry and hurt. I think the angry part would override the hurt part though, given the circumstances.

  11. Sheila

    Sheila Moderator

    Disheartening to say the least.

    Scary to think our justice system is suppose to be the best in the world, isn't it? :(
  12. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    H&R, I refuse to put any money in difficult child's telephone account because when I do he uses it up in a couple of days on non emergency stuff. We told him we would only put 25 dolllars a month to telephone. He is going to be moved soon so we let the account zero out and told him to write letters. husband also goes to see him every other week. difficult child does write but he is bored so he wants to call. This lady told him he could call her and she would conference him in to us. I have never offered to pay her for this thinking she would stop but she is still doing it. It's not real often, I think this was the third time or forth time but she does take his calls to her several times a month. Yes she talks to my son more than I do. It is warped and I do not appreciate it but am sure difficult child has told her some sob story to endear himself to her. He has this little lost boy thing going on that many woman just can't refuse. The last time she called me her son was in jail and I didn't want to upset her anymore than the hell she was already in. So I didn't say anything to her about this telephone thing. As I result I guess she thinks I am OK with it but really I am not. She claims not to be listening in on our conversations but I do not trust that either and am careful about what I say but difficult child not so much. He has no sence of wariness and can't tell what or who is safe and who/what isn't. It is very disconcerning. difficult child will be moved to state prison in a few weeks so maybe she will stop then. Otherwise I am going to have to change my number again.
  13. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    Thanks Lisa, I needed the validation. I don't like feeling angry that difficult child is being punished because he deserves to be punished... just not as much as he is.

    Shelia, the best in the world huh...that is scary. -RM
  14. HaoZi

    HaoZi CD Hall of Fame

    I'm so sorry hon. I don't know what else to say. *HUGS*
  15. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    Thank you HaoZi. My son has put himself, me, our family in so many dangerous, unpleasant or just plain wierd situations over the course of his life. I guess this is just another one of them. But really...him making friends with a murderer and his family???? It boggles my mind. -RM
  16. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I wonder how long he will stay out of jail. Sounds like another person will get hurt to me. I'd stay away from the mom and the son.


  17. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    Oh yes I am pretty sure he will hurt someone else. That is the authorities general consensus also. He suposedly has mental health issues and has a history of non-compliance with treatment. Has a history of beating up people too. Evidently he seeths over minor things and then acts on his anger. At least that is how the press presented it. The case is still open and there was alot of finger pointing and retoric when he was let go free. He lives in a small town so everyone knows about him and I am sure gettng a job will be difficult since he was plasered all over the news. Lots of stressors on him for sure. Mother says he is doing good now but for how long? I am sure the police are watching very closely and will pick hi up on even the most minor offence. Then I will have to worry that he will end up in the same facility as my difficult child and they will start interacting again. Hoping to get mine out and clean and functioning within a MH program before that happens. So nightmarish for me. -RM
  18. cubsgirl

    cubsgirl Well-Known Member

    I would be so angry and hurt too. ((hugs)) and my best wishes that yoru difficult child gets MH help he needs.
  19. Jody

    Jody Active Member

    I am so sorry. I wish I had good advice for you, but I don't. Sedning hugs, and I will pray for you and your family.
  20. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    Cubsgirl & jody, Thanks for the hugs and good wishes for difficult child. They are truly appreciated. -RM