Having a really bad time

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Liahona, Apr 27, 2013.

  1. Liahona

    Liahona Guest

    Yesterday Elsie came in the house saying difficult child 1 was trying to kill difficult child 2. The kids were all outside. I ran outside and difficult child 1 was waving tree branches around that had been pruned earlier. difficult child 2 is o.k. All the kids say that difficult child 1 was throwing sticks at difficult child 2 and trying to kill him. difficult child 3 is up a tree and tells me he is up there so difficult child 1 can't get him. difficult child 1 says he just felt like throwing sticks and asked difficult child 2 to move, and after he moved then he threw sticks. Yeah, not buying that one.

    Thursday difficult child 1 says somethings that difficult child 2 took to be a threat. One of the times was "I'll make you pay for that" and the other time I didn't hear husband did. husband said difficult child 1 was using a really nasty tone of voice with difficult child 2. difficult child 1 didn't know husband was awake and could hear him.

    His behaviors toward his siblings aren't getting better, and it scares me for him. He is getting older, and I'm not sure what to do anymore. It seems like no matter what I do it doesn't change difficult child 1's behavior. The only thing that stops him is supervision, and that is really hard especially as he gets older and resents it more.

    I'm taking this harder than any of the kids. I've started crying at random times. Things will go through my head like when husband plays with difficult child 2 that difficult child 1 would never let husband play with him like that. Then I start crying. I think my dream of him being able to have non- abusive relationships is dying. I think I just need my time of morning and then I'll get back in the fight. Right now though I'm not at my most stable.

    Thanks for listening.
  2. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

  3. Dixies_fire

    Dixies_fire Member

    Hugs. I'm scared of that too.
  4. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member


    no words of wisdom here this morning, just hugs. We understand. :hugs:

  5. Bunny

    Bunny Active Member

    I'm very sorry that it's not getting any better. I understand how you feel. (((Hugs)))
  6. buddy

    buddy New Member

    I would have no hope of my son not being abusive without supervision. I feel super sad about that more than anything. He wants a girlfriend etc. that's in part why I am going for guardianship and will do my best to make sure he will always be supervised.
    I suppose if you can't get in home supervision during his waking hours out may come to the point that he needs to be parented from a different setting. I know that would be hard to get and very very heartbreaking.
    You are strong! It's ok to be sad though. Sometimes it is heart crushing to realize how disabled they are. I totally get that and am sending you hugs.

    PS.....our boys do still have hope.....just wouldn't take the chance, Know what I mean??
  7. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I am sending supportive and caring hugs your way. Although I have never been in your shoes I do wonder "Is it at all possible that difficult child#1 really does not care where he lives?" My limited experience in supervising foster children sometimes led me to believe that the "setting" didn't matter to them but the benefits of placement was paramount. In other words, if given a choice of living with "family" and having daily interaction with siblings or living elsewhere with more attention focused on them...some of the children (particularly adolescents) freely told me I don't care where I live but I want my own room, my own television etc. etc. It was primarily "I want" based and little, if any, thoughts of a family unit.

    I don't mean to be a downer. You are trying so very hard to have a unified caring family. Sometimes, though, the difficult child's are not wired to see the advantages of your goal. They focus on what they want. Sigh. Hugs DDD
  8. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I'm with buddy. Instead of caring if he resents being treated like he is younger, I'd do it for the sake of the other kids. Whatever is wrong with him, it isn't getting better and you have a lot of younger children to protect from him and, sadly, this may go on until he leaves the house. You probably know my story about the 11 year old we adopted and how much harm he did to the younger kids. Age is irrelevant when a child is disturbed. You don't want what happened in my family to happen in your family. Then it's too late to have regrets and your children suffer harm. I'm not sure if he is one of the kids on here that had a crazy early few years and that may have attachment disorders, but if so forget about normal and caring. Sadly, kids can be so damaged they become a threat to others and attachment disorder is very hard to treat. I hope I have the wrong child. Remember...your younger children, especially your babies, need you to watch this older child vigilantly.

  9. Liahona

    Liahona Guest

    The stuff trumps everything. If a place has what he wants he would rather be there. When at the Residential Treatment Center (RTC) he did miss us. I was told that he would cry after our visits. Actually I think he missed me. Me and my mom are the only people he would be upset if we weren't around, but his games are what he really loves.

    It wouldn't suprise me if he has Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD), but so far his tdocs have said no.

    Thanks for all of the support. It means a lot to me.
  10. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Regular tdocs know little to nothing about Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD). It is hard to find somebody who does. But if you feel there is a chance he has it, he isn't safe and you can't let him have much freedom or he could harm your babies, and you have a lot of them. It's not worth t he risk, trust me. He is four years older than the next child and a whole 12 1/2 years older than the baby. There is no way for the youngest children to fight against him if he decides to do something horrible to them. He was in an Residential Treatment Center (RTC) for a reason and it is rare for kids to go from RTCs to changed children.

    He may have missed you and your mom or he may have missed his freedom, the money he gets, his videogames, his access to his younger siblngs...our child wanted to continue to live with us too, even after he sexually abused the two younger kids and killed our dogs, which he admitted only after he knew he wasn't coming back. His reasons for wanting to come back included the money, the toys, the trips we took, nothing about us. It is possible your child missed you, but I'm just talking about ours.

    He never did come back. I don't know how we would have managed if he had. I know you have no proof your son is doing anything like ours did, but keep a sharp eye out at all times because you don't know his capabilities and you have even more little ones than we had!!! Hugs!!!
  11. Liahona

    Liahona Guest

    I'm going to bring up Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) again with this new therapist.
  12. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Hugs, it is not easy.....
  13. Calamity Jane

    Calamity Jane Well-Known Member

    (((Caring hugs going out to you. I'm sorry.)))
  14. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    And, of course, the complicating factors... like the time he spends with X. Which you can't stop, but which definitly isn't helping.

  15. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    It would be better if you found a doctor who has counseled a lot of adopted kids. I know kiddo isn't adopted, but he has had many of the same experiences kids in foster care have...lots of caregivers, no stability, crazy father, lots of moving around, etc. Most therpaists haven't a clue what attachment disorder is, which is why they never caught it with our adopted son. But when they hauled him off to a juvenile jail, a place I"m sure you never want your son to see, he was instantly tagged with his true diagnosis "SEVERE REACTIVE ATTACHMENT DISORDER." Until they knew all of the stuff he was doing, including hurting and killling animals and perping on kids (we didn't know this to tell them), he got other diagnoses instead. Tdocs don't usually learn much about Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD). They plain old don't teach them about it enough. You learn about it if you get a lot of children who are adopted. You can't help it then. Right now, you don't know everything kiddo has done, so it's hard to get a therapist to diagnose something he/she probably knows very little about. Yet you need to protect the other kids from him and the therapist has to believe you about this. He is a threat...how much of one, you can't know yet. You simply don't know everything he has done, either at home or on kids in the community (or pets in the community). Our kiddo tried to kill and/or killed many neighborhood pets or wandering pets. My daughter saw him and sometimes stopped him, but couldn't always know if he continued after she was gone. And often he threatened to kill us if she didn't leave and keep what she saw a secret. She was terrified of him. And these were to our neighbors, some that we didn't even know. Nobody suspected him of anything or, if so, nobody told us. Wish they had.

    Hugs and keep us posted!
  16. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    A psychiatrist or a Neuro/psychiatric would be more likely to fully understand his issues. Yes, I know, it is hard to find quality help and if I recall you have limited insurance BUT there must be a program, service, foundation or something that would be of benefit to him and to you. I am absolutely sure that he would want to continue to see you and your Mom but, it is possible that he would be healthier in an alternative environment with visits to look forward to. Hugs DDD
  17. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    I agree, it is hard to find just the right expert, but I wouldn't give up yet. I completely understand about crying at random times. I'm not sure what got me over the hump, but I used to do that, I mean, just grieve for the what-could-have-beens. But somehow, it is all coming together. I totally agree with-the others, that his "age" is not his real "age." Treat him like a slow child if you must. And be sure to protect the younger kids. One thing I did with-difficult child (and still occasionally have to do) is voice modulation. I will tell him that he is using an angry, mean voice and that he cannot do xyz until he uses a well-modulated, nice voice. Sometimes he argues that he is NOT yelling :) but lately he's been saying, "I know I'm using an angry voice because I am mad." Well, it's a step, anyway. It slows him down and makes him think. The hard part is being there all the time. And with-all those kids, I don't know how you do it. You have to be your own little police force.
  18. IT1967

    IT1967 Member

    I hope things have improved for you. I just wanted to say I totally get that random crying thing. I try super hard not to let myself dwell on things. If I let myself go too far down the road, the crying starts. Until recently, I'd say I spent a good part of many days crying over it all - that was before the medications had been sorted out.
  19. Liahona

    Liahona Guest

    Yes, my mood has improved so I'm much more functional. His therapist recomended that he do adult supervised volunteer hours. I think it is to get difficult child 1 out of the house 2-3 hours a day. difficult child 1 wants to be paid for it, so he wants to mow lawns for the neighbors. He has mowed one lawn. The therapist thinks that if there is less time at home it'll help improve difficult child 1's patience with his siblings when he is at home. I'm not sure that will be the case, but him mowing the neighbors lawns for $5 a lawn will be good for him. I'm not hopeful that when the novalty wears of it will continue. We are also going to have a staff mtg. to talk about other possibilities.

    Right now he is so far behind in his homework that is all he is doing after school. With a libral amount of procrastination thrown in.
  20. Bunny

    Bunny Active Member

    While I don't have all of the same things with my son that you have with yours, I do understand always watching. I do that, too. If the two kids are playing in the basement and they close the door, I always open it so that I can hear what is going on. If they are upstairs together and I am on the main floor of the house, I keep the volume on the television low. I am alway vigilant because I know that trouble start quickly. It's exhausting!