Having a sad night tonight

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by AK0603, Feb 15, 2007.

  1. AK0603

    AK0603 New Member

    It will be 1 week today that my difficult child will be in a car heading back to Indiana to live with his father without me :sad:

    I have been crying on and off all week. This is so hard and I know alot of you have had to do this yourself. Does it get any easier? or worse. I'm desperate. My little 6 yr old tonight was crying because I told him and difficult child to stop fighing and closed both of their bedroom doors, well he was crying and difficult child came up and said he was crying. When I went into his room, he said he was scared with his door shut but didn't want to tell me or cry loud because he didn't want me "to get mad at me" and make me go live with daddy too. :frown:

    OMG I felt so horrible, I cried and explained that I wasn't sending difficult child to this dad's because he was bad (they have the same daddy) and difficult child was there too and he began crying and hugged his brother and said I love you and I'll miss you. It was such a raw moment. I just held their little hands and we held them all together and said we are a family no matter where we are and we will be together again soon. it helped us all I guess, but I'm just sick again.

    I can't even keep food down.

    This is so hard, and I think it's going to get worse and worse. How do you who have been there done that deal?
  2. OTE

    OTE Active Member

    It's going to get better, not worse. I can promise that. Part of your problem now is that you're worried if it's going to work out, if they're going to know what to do, do the right thing and so forth. You'll find those things out in time and that worry will go away.

    You'll always miss him. The kids are so young that they'll adapt quickly, more than you will for sure. So the kids' fears will go away and they'll be more relaxed. That will help you relax.

    My therapist says I'm really good at "compartmentalizing" and that's what helps me keep some sanity, little that it is. You've got little ones and need to keep focused on them when difficult child is gone. Set aside some time every day to think about difficult child, cry, have a meltdown, whatever. The rest of the time try to put the worry thoughts aside and focus on the little ones. Put your effort and all yout thoughts into doing everything you can to make them happy, healthy kids and working on your marriage.

    Yes, it really will get better.

    I know I said this before but I'll say it again anyway. This is NOT permanent. This is temporary. He will come home. In your mind pretend it's just a 3 mo visit. Talk to him now about how you and he are going to keep in touch. Promise a good night phone call every night and a note every day, just something short. Have him do the same, talk to him about what he can draw on the note and say in it. Use this time to be happy, not sad. remember that life is what you make of it. This time is the same. If you suggest to your kids that this is sad and horrible then that's what they'll feel.

  3. Allan-Matlem

    Allan-Matlem Active Member

    It is pretty difficult in these sad moments to see the ' window of opportunity '. Relationships improve quite dramatically when distance seperates them , the ' control ' element in relationships is not there anymore and people can relate more democratically, be open , be themselves without trying to manipulate. It leads to a more intimate relationships. With modern communications , Skype, email etc people can be and feel very close and intimate. I prefer email , write about how you feel , ask questions , get a dialog going , reach out to him , get him to ' speak'. I know from my experience that when kids leave home , study out of town , relationships improve - we tend to give up our ' control' attitudes and treat our kids as very close adult friends.
    I hope he is able to bond with his dad , feel understood and see him as a help.
    I hope you feel better about this , it says nothing bad about you , in fact it shows you are willing to do everything for your child to get the right help .
    Sending prayers and positive thoughts in your direction.

  4. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Oh Sweete,
    I haven't been through what you are dealing with but I agree with the others it will get better. I am sending you a giant cyber hug-I'm sorry for your pain-I know it doesn't help but I do think you are doing the right thing.
  5. oceans

    oceans New Member

    This will not be easy, but look at it as a chance for positive changes for difficult child, and a much needed break for everyone else. Look at it as a time for healing and reflection. As the summer draws near it will be more clear if this is the best arrangement or not. You will know with more certainty if you should be moving, or if difficult child should be coming back home.
  6. Janna

    Janna New Member

    Can I tell you something? You are really, really lucky that you have a dad to send difficult child to, and that he's not being sent somewhere that you're unfamiliar with.

    difficult child 2 is in a foster care because I have nobody I can send him to so he can "straighten out" so to speak. He's been there, in and out, for almost 8 years.

    I don't know his address. I can't pick him up whenever I want to. Heck, I don't even know the phone number. I sent him out to his first 30 day inpatient diagnostic when he was a little over 8. He'll be 16 in November.

    I cannot tell you it gets easier from my perspective, because of the situation I am in. But, I would like to think with your difficult child so close to home, so to speak, with someone so familiar, the two of you can work together to make difficult child's life easier. Yes, it's really hard when they first leave, but over time, it gets easier.

    Hope your hurting mommy heart gets better soon.

  7. AK0603

    AK0603 New Member

    Oh Janna, I'm so sorry. That must be just horrible, I can't imagine that.

    Yes I am lucky, edh can do this and that his wife is loving and caring and we all want the same thing. :smile:
  8. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I will tell you when it gets easier. When you see progress. Sorry, wish I could tell you the day he leaves that it will be easier. It won't. You will worry and miss him. But, you are parenting him. It may not be traditional parenting, but you are being a good mom to allow this for him.

    The day he calls and tell you his report card grades and they are better then ever, the day he calls with some after school activity that he enjoyed, the day dad tells you he thinks your little boy is a happy kid.

    I have to say, it does not work as smooth as I typed above. First there will be a honeymooning phase where he will be the perfect little boy you know he can be. It will take time, meanwhile just enjoy that he is having good days. He will eventually show his difficult child side and then the progress will begin.

    It is hard, but worth it. At the very least, it is something you tried. You have to turn over the stone to know if it works or not. You do not want to look back on these years and always wonder what would have happened had you sent him to dad for a year.
  9. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    I add my bit of experience with this. however my son was 16 and much older than yours. I simply could not get ant to go to school anymore. I sent him to live with my brother. it was so sad signing over custody of him to my brother. It was a last effort after trying so many things here. I cried and cried. I missed him. I wanted to hear him pull in the driveway. I lost a lot of weight because I could not swallow or sleep. I thought I was going to lose my mind. I could not work or pay attention at work. everything seemed dismal.

    ant still acted up for my brother after a short honeymoon period.

    thing is, it taught me to let go during that time without ant. it taught me to have more faith in God. It made me stronger when ant inevitably returned to the house. It gave me a breather.

    HUGS to you and yours. this is not the way it will always be.
  10. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    I have no experience. Just a soft shoulder.
  11. amy4129

    amy4129 New Member

    We will be here to listen and do what we can. Hugs
  12. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Sending supportive hugs and prayers your way. I really believe you have made the right choice for your child and, in time, you
    will be comfortable with the change. DDD