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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 347804" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>I remember I used to have to carry difficult child 1 on his tummy along my arms, swinging him. He had to face out and down, not up and in. I also had my sister hold him for me once at a family barbecue, and I had to make sure i stayed out of his line of sight and also didn't speak around him. My sister sounded enough like me to fool him, but when he saw me and realised I wasn't holding him, he screamed.</p><p></p><p>Each kid was different, so it wasn't the way I did things or habits of mine that the kids got used to.</p><p></p><p>By the time I had difficult child 3, I had gone back to how I did things with easy child, which was - give the kid what he/she wants, preferably before they ask for it. So I would pick the child up as soon as the sounds they made indicated that they would soon begin to cry if left. You can hear the change form a happy burble to the beginning of a complain. So my eldest never really cried for the first few months. Same with difficult child 3 (apart from a period when the baby clinic tried to make me cut back on his feeds - THAT was a mistake!)</p><p></p><p>I realise now, I was instinctively giving him what he wanted, letting him have the control. And so he was happy. Mind you, I wasn't letting him have anything that was bad for him, but I was so plugged in to him that he was able to effectively communicate his needs to me. It was when his needs became more sophisticated but his communication skills did not, that we realised he had a problem.</p><p></p><p>With my older three I went back to work when each was about 3 months old. Some people hassled me for this, but it meant that I had independent observers of my kids' early development, something which has proven invaluable when we look back now. While I did have difficult child 3 in child care, it was for shorter periods, less frequently and he was much older.</p><p></p><p>When you are a first-time parent you have no frame of reference, plus you have everybody else in your life telling you (often conflicting) informative tales of their own greater experience. Even health professionals can get it badly wrong.</p><p></p><p>A screaming baby is trying to tell you something. But too often we have older family members telling you to "let the baby scream it out." There used to be a theory (I remember my eldest sister with her kids) that said that a baby's lungs needed to be exercised, and the best way to do this was to let the baby have a good long cry at least once a day. Then there was the "controlled crying" which despite all the experts, DID NOT WORK for difficult child 3. Not at all. We spent a day at the baby clinic under observation (plus I was supposed to be getting a chance to rest) and they failed to solve the problem, instead told me that my "pandering to him" was the cause of the trouble. Their methods were clearly not working for me; I was persisting anyway with trying to pat him off to sleep even though he hadn't had anywhere near as much of a feed as I let him have at home. The nurse accused me of picking him up when she was out of the room; I hadn't. After over an hour (almost two) of this, she took over and sent me to rest. Half an hour later she was back, telling me he hadn't slept but was maybe ready for another feed. Then it would be time for us to go home. No problems solved, only more caused.</p><p></p><p>And this was my fourth baby, I was expected to know what to do (and frankly, I did, I realised a week later, when I threw out everything they had told me to do and went back to my own methods).</p><p></p><p>When your child is 'different', you know it. If your child was ever aware of you as her mother, if she clung to you at any stage in her first year and cried when you left, then I don't think this is likely to be attachment disorder. Even though difficult child 3 is autistic, he still went through a clingy stage in his first year or so. Only it wasn't me he clung to, it was easy child. People thought she was his mother (which would have meant her having to be pregnant at 11 years old). The thing is, he was capable of forming strong attachments to someone. However, his behaviour when older, if you didn't know about the other issues, would lead someone to think "attachment disorder". </p><p></p><p>The biggest thing with difficult child 3 and with easy child 2/difficult child 2 especially (less so with difficult child 1) is this 'attitude' towards other people, that everyone is on the same level. No difference between adults and children, no sense of "I have to show respect for this person because they are older/it's my teacher/it's my parent."</p><p></p><p>It turns out - it's not attitude. It just looks like it. Instead, it is pure and simple, a total lack of understanding that there can be any difference in status from one individual to another.</p><p></p><p>easy child 2/difficult child 2 was a very caring, loving baby. She was cuddly, she would look out for other kids. Before she could walk, she would crawl to another baby in the child care centre to pick up that baby's dummy and put it back in their mouth. She would try to hold a bottle for a baby, even though she was still a baby herself. And when I had to pull her out of child care (because I left my job due to disability) she would, at 2 years of age, pick up my crutches for me if she saw me begin to look around to see where they were.</p><p></p><p>But her behaviour later on - wow! But when we looked back, we could see the beginnings of it.</p><p></p><p>She's still very loving and caring, but also still incredibly self-centred. However, I think her choice of child care as a career path had its beginnings back when she used to crawl to smaller babies to put their dummies back in for them.</p><p></p><p>Kids are each unique.</p><p></p><p>We do the best we can as parents. We can't do more than that! And the more you beat yourself up over something you might think you left undone - the more you distract yourself from what needs to be done now. You also tire yourself out needlessly.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 347804, member: 1991"] I remember I used to have to carry difficult child 1 on his tummy along my arms, swinging him. He had to face out and down, not up and in. I also had my sister hold him for me once at a family barbecue, and I had to make sure i stayed out of his line of sight and also didn't speak around him. My sister sounded enough like me to fool him, but when he saw me and realised I wasn't holding him, he screamed. Each kid was different, so it wasn't the way I did things or habits of mine that the kids got used to. By the time I had difficult child 3, I had gone back to how I did things with easy child, which was - give the kid what he/she wants, preferably before they ask for it. So I would pick the child up as soon as the sounds they made indicated that they would soon begin to cry if left. You can hear the change form a happy burble to the beginning of a complain. So my eldest never really cried for the first few months. Same with difficult child 3 (apart from a period when the baby clinic tried to make me cut back on his feeds - THAT was a mistake!) I realise now, I was instinctively giving him what he wanted, letting him have the control. And so he was happy. Mind you, I wasn't letting him have anything that was bad for him, but I was so plugged in to him that he was able to effectively communicate his needs to me. It was when his needs became more sophisticated but his communication skills did not, that we realised he had a problem. With my older three I went back to work when each was about 3 months old. Some people hassled me for this, but it meant that I had independent observers of my kids' early development, something which has proven invaluable when we look back now. While I did have difficult child 3 in child care, it was for shorter periods, less frequently and he was much older. When you are a first-time parent you have no frame of reference, plus you have everybody else in your life telling you (often conflicting) informative tales of their own greater experience. Even health professionals can get it badly wrong. A screaming baby is trying to tell you something. But too often we have older family members telling you to "let the baby scream it out." There used to be a theory (I remember my eldest sister with her kids) that said that a baby's lungs needed to be exercised, and the best way to do this was to let the baby have a good long cry at least once a day. Then there was the "controlled crying" which despite all the experts, DID NOT WORK for difficult child 3. Not at all. We spent a day at the baby clinic under observation (plus I was supposed to be getting a chance to rest) and they failed to solve the problem, instead told me that my "pandering to him" was the cause of the trouble. Their methods were clearly not working for me; I was persisting anyway with trying to pat him off to sleep even though he hadn't had anywhere near as much of a feed as I let him have at home. The nurse accused me of picking him up when she was out of the room; I hadn't. After over an hour (almost two) of this, she took over and sent me to rest. Half an hour later she was back, telling me he hadn't slept but was maybe ready for another feed. Then it would be time for us to go home. No problems solved, only more caused. And this was my fourth baby, I was expected to know what to do (and frankly, I did, I realised a week later, when I threw out everything they had told me to do and went back to my own methods). When your child is 'different', you know it. If your child was ever aware of you as her mother, if she clung to you at any stage in her first year and cried when you left, then I don't think this is likely to be attachment disorder. Even though difficult child 3 is autistic, he still went through a clingy stage in his first year or so. Only it wasn't me he clung to, it was easy child. People thought she was his mother (which would have meant her having to be pregnant at 11 years old). The thing is, he was capable of forming strong attachments to someone. However, his behaviour when older, if you didn't know about the other issues, would lead someone to think "attachment disorder". The biggest thing with difficult child 3 and with easy child 2/difficult child 2 especially (less so with difficult child 1) is this 'attitude' towards other people, that everyone is on the same level. No difference between adults and children, no sense of "I have to show respect for this person because they are older/it's my teacher/it's my parent." It turns out - it's not attitude. It just looks like it. Instead, it is pure and simple, a total lack of understanding that there can be any difference in status from one individual to another. easy child 2/difficult child 2 was a very caring, loving baby. She was cuddly, she would look out for other kids. Before she could walk, she would crawl to another baby in the child care centre to pick up that baby's dummy and put it back in their mouth. She would try to hold a bottle for a baby, even though she was still a baby herself. And when I had to pull her out of child care (because I left my job due to disability) she would, at 2 years of age, pick up my crutches for me if she saw me begin to look around to see where they were. But her behaviour later on - wow! But when we looked back, we could see the beginnings of it. She's still very loving and caring, but also still incredibly self-centred. However, I think her choice of child care as a career path had its beginnings back when she used to crawl to smaller babies to put their dummies back in for them. Kids are each unique. We do the best we can as parents. We can't do more than that! And the more you beat yourself up over something you might think you left undone - the more you distract yourself from what needs to be done now. You also tire yourself out needlessly. Marg [/QUOTE]
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