Having An Awful Day :(

[momslove]

I don't know what to do. Just when I think I've got everything all figured out, and know what I need to do, everything comes crashing down around me.

difficult child just returned to school after a 3 day 'out of school placement' or whatever they called it, after getting into trouble last week after it was discovered he was had not done his online assignments for 2 months. He had to catch up at home before he could return after the 3 days. He did it, we met with teachers/principal yesterday morning about it, and all was well. Or so I thought.

This morning started out great. Had a talk with difficult child, reinforced everything we'd discussed yesterday and previous days. Good talk, we were (or seemed to be) on the same page about everything. Told him he could talk to me if he felt things weren't going so great at school (problems with teachers, whatever). difficult child seemed to feel good about everything, and went off to school with a smile on his face.

Two hours later, I get the first call. Not only did difficult child barely do any work yesterday, he wasn't getting a good start today. Got the details, called husband and let him know. School calls again, asks what husband says, etc. None of us have a clue what to do, because even though it is not a constant issue, it's not the first time it's happened, either. We agree on how to handle it, eventually, and hang up.

Then I got the third call. difficult child had gotten frustrated, hit the desk a couple times, and somehow manages to break the computer screen in the process. They weren't sure how that happened when we talked... he'd hit the desk, then all of a sudden he's turning around saying it was broken, and he didn't mean to do it, it was an accident.

That's all I know so far. They had to let me go to deal with some other thing, and said they'd call back soon as they could. That was about 45 minutes ago... still waiting to hear back from the school.

And all this happens on the heels of our decision to take difficult child off the medications for good, since it (obviously) wasn't helping to any degree for keeping difficult child focused and on task with his assignments. Now I'm wondering if it was a mistake to allow him to run out and be off his medications. (He had been taking 40mg Vyvanse once a day until about 2-3 weeks ago.) I just don't understand what happened, though. difficult child has not (so far as I know) been pulling stunts like this in a very long time. Having a disrespectful tongue, sure, but not hitting the desk and/or damaging school property. I really don't know why he would do such a thing, and I'm just so upset. It doesn't help that I was up all night researching and trying to prepare for our upcoming IEP meeting, either... I can barely think straight at this point and I'm hardly prepared to deal with something like this right now.

I'm sorry, I know this probably makes no sense. I just needed to whine. I'll write more later when I know more and can be more coherent with my thoughts.

 

[JJJ]

I'm sorry you are having an awful day. My son Eeyore is having the same kind of year. We did take him off of some medications because it just made no sense to me to keep him on so many medications (6 at the time) when I didn't see much benefit. He does have the occasional outburst like that.

Vyvanse is a quick-in, quick-out medication. I'd be surprised if that was an issue. Is he on other medications?

 

[momslove]

No, that was the only one. It seemed to help when he first started taking it, but after a while, it didn't seem to matter if he took it or not. He'd only do his work when he decided he *wanted* to do it. Which is why I figured it was just as well to take him off it. Now I don't know if it was the right choice or not.

Still waiting on that phone call...

 

[gcvmom]

If the Vyvanse stopped working, I'd be rethinking his diagnosis. If someone truly has ADHD, stimulants don't just stop working. It usually means something else is the reason for their symptoms. When was the last time his psychiatrist saw him? It might be time for another assessment of the situation.

 

[momslove]

What does psychiatrist mean, again... psychiatrist? He doesn't have one. He sees his pediatrician regularly, especially the last two years, as his medication has been adjusted several times. (Not only for dosage, but also in briefly adding Wellbutrin, then Abilify, to the Vyvanse. Both did more harm than good, and were discontinued.) One of the SpEd teachers recently suggested I look into Asperger's and see if I thought it was a diagnosis that seemed to 'fit' difficult child. To be honest, it ****** me off more than anything, because every year (right around IEP time, naturally), someone at the school decided to play doctor and suggest this thing or that thing might be wrong with difficult child. I honestly don't know if there is a special screening *just* for Asperger's, but difficult child did have an Autism screening done, and it was ruled out.

Part of me can't help but wonder if difficult child wants to be removed from the school. He has always said how much he hates going, even when things are going well for him. And it's something he was bound to have overheard husband and I discussing over his long weekend at home. If it weren't for the fact that he *desperately* needs the socialization with others, I'd just give up trying to keep him in school and go that route, because I don't have any problem getting him to do his work. Well, no major problems, at least. He still gets distracted and likes to get chatty rather than staying on task. I'll let him do it for a couple minutes or so, then tell him it's time to go back to work, and he does it without so much as a sideways look at me. There are NEVER any outbursts at home like the one he had at school today. He hasn't done that with me in over two years now, even longer with his dad. It truly puzzles me as to why no one at the school seems able to do the same. All I had to do over his time at home was give him a stern look and say "time to get back to work now" and he did it. I'm not trying to make myself sound amazing (lol) or paint his teachers as completely inept. Neither is the case. It's just hard to reconcile in my mind that we're talking about the same kid, when the results are so completely opposite. But then again, I'm not trying to get him to do his work all day, five days a week, either.

Now that his oldest brother is out of school, he is available to help him with subjects I am unable to help him with. Not that he needs much help. The work is very easily done, once he gets started. That's probably part of the problem, because he has always been ahead of others his age. He was skipped a grade ahead this year because of it, in fact. It's never been that he can't do the work. He's probably smarter, academically, than I ever was. He just goes through repeated phases of not wanting to do it, and it's very frustrating for all of us. *sigh*

We once discussed the possibility of having him go to school every other day. Maybe that's what needs to be done now? At least that way, he could still attend part of the week, get the socialization he needs to have, and give his teachers less headaches to boot.

By the way, I never got that phone call I was waiting on, and husband wasn't called, either. I'm not sure what happened there. I can only assume he was too busy to call me back as planned. I'm sure we'll hear from them in the morning, though. (Kinda glad husband will be around the house tomorrow, with the way it all worked out.)

 

[LittleDudesMom]

Momslove,

hi. Listen, these kids of ours are very complicated. I've a couple things I want to address and hope I come off clearly.

First and foremost, in my opinion, your son needs to see more than his pediatrician. A pediatrician deals with health issues of the body, not the mind. They are not trained to deal with issues beyond that. Oh, they may have some experience with diagnosis'ing kids with adhd, but to really get an accurate diagnosis, your son needs to see a psychiatrist. Ask your pediatrician for a referral as soon as possible. My son, sounds very much like yours and I will tell you that our pediatrician will not write rx's for stimulates unless her patient has been diagnosis'd by a therapist or psychiatrist.

Another issue is that if your son were seen by someone like a psychiatrist or therapist, therapy could be a huge deal. It made a big difference for my son. His therapist really helped him recognize the signs of his building frustration so he could learn to self calm so the outburst would become less and less. She also taught him self relaxation techniques. She was also someone he could lay all his issues on and she would help him sort them out.

So those would be two of my observations. I do understand how you could be frustrated with the school offering diagnosis suggestions, but perhaps this will help you to see that he should see a more qualified health professional.

I can so relate to what you were saying about your difficult child never having an outburst like that at home. Mine didn't either! That's why is was so hard to grasp when he started having them at school. But, at home he was not one of many. THere were also fewer demands. I wasn't making him sit down and work for an hour and a half either. Additionally, there are some teachers that are not just trained (or don't have an understanding) to deal with kids that don't walk the straight center.

As far as the medications go, there was no doubt in my mind that my son didn't have add. However, he's been on three over the years. Often they become less effective and need a dosage increase as the child goes through puberty or gains weight and grows. Or there is a need to change to another stimulate as they are all not created equal and each child reacts differently. It can often be a case of trial and error.

Don't give up on this. Get a referral and take your son to a pediatric psychiatrist and go from there. I would also suggest that you advise the school that you are having your difficult child evaluated and you need to hold off on the IEP. You may find that you need to make some tweaks on it (or even start an FBA) thought to get difficult child through the next month or so before you get in for an appointment.

Those are just a few of my thoughts. Your son sounds a lot like mine.

Sharon

 

[DDD]

Like so many others, I understand your frustration. Can you imagine how frustrating it must be for difficult child? Based on my experiences he will be quickly labeled as a problem child and his self esteem will nosedive. Please get him to a pediatric Psychiatrist or, at least, schedule him for a neuropsychologist exam that will identify which problems he has. Pediatricians just are not qualified to diagnose no matter how great they are for physical care. Hugs. DDD

 

[TerryJ2]

I hear you.

But I have to say, I also thought Asperger's.

Because ... he parroted what you said at home, did the "feel good" thing, and then shut down at school when he couldn't cope with-what was going on. He was either confused or overstimulated or both. And then when he was pushed (i.e. "You've got to get this done now before recess") he exploded.

Autism was ruled out in my son, too, and then ruled in again. diagnosis's are constantly changing. I wouldn't worry about the label so much as what interventions you can use.

Therapy is a great help in these cases ... or in any case. He has to learn coping skills.

I also agree wholeheartedly that he needs a professional child therapist and psychiatrist. A pediatrician just doesn't have the depth of knowledge or experience you need long-term.

 

[Star*]

Well.......WHATEVER it is your son has......?

YOU had a bad day - so.......here's a huge, big, gigantic, welcome to the board (cause this is the first time I've talked to you) and just soze you know there's NOTHING that you've written to us here that is any kind of an eye opener or shocker or OH WOW look at what HE did kind of OMG moment. It is a typical day in the day of our lives. So you are amongst friends and people who live it and been there done that and don't pass judgment - only try to help and support.

Since you already got advice about your son? Here's just some advice for you? Breathe, relax, regroup....and find time for YOU. Take at least ONE hour a day where you do NOT say the words "MY son." Just get your nails done, forget you are a Mom, and have a bubble bath, a hot chocolate, get a pedicure, a massage, or just go for a walk. It helps YOU regroup and be able to DEAL with all the junk that you will have thrown at you. Also it's not a bad idea to see out a family therapist so that you have a professional opinion on how to level the playing field and get really solid advice on how to deal with a child who's going to need to be parented differently - and that doesn't come NATURALLY - it takes time, learning, knowledge and help.

No shame in learning OR getting help. Ignoring all of the signs and telling yourself it will change with just a pill or he'll grow out of it? Yeah - that's a shame. Not going to happen. You've come to the right place.

Hugs
Star

 

[unsure]

momslove~
Hello and welcome to our lil world.
Star is soooooooo right...omg!!! That is some of the best advice and it's so easy for us as moms to forget about ourselves. It took me a long time to realize and follow through on this, but when I finally did it changed the way I coped completely (I'm not saying I don't still have 'bad' days).
Through the colder months I would lock myself in the bathroom for a hot bath and glass of wine, put on a soothing cd with nature sounds and block everything out for half an hour or so. When I did finally return to the reality of my family, I could handle things much calmer and with more rationale. Now that our weather is finally warming up, I've been making it a point to get outside and breath deep the fresh air. I walk at least once a day and feel so much better.
Take care of you cuz your the only one that's going to do it and then you'll be able to better take care of others. (Hugs)

 

[Star*]

I would have liked to use the bathroom - but they'd find me there. Now if I close the door, and put a sign on it that says CLEAN ME NOW, run my bath water and be vewwy, vewwy, kwiet (say it with me like Elmer Fudd) and not splash or answer if the words MOM or Honey are yelled? I 'may' be able to have 10 uninterrupted minutes to 'slam' some vino, and not even get wrinkly. Mostly? I tried to hide somewhere away from the homestead. Even the dogs "bonk" the door to be near me - The 2nd oldest dog yells "SANCTUARY" like Quasi Motto. The 3rd oldest begs to see her boyfriend Chester's picture on my cell phone, and if all 4 could fit in such a tiny space they'd stack- and once again? I'd have no peace. Maybe I just didn't start drinking early enough to make that work? (note to self - more wine). Hugs.

 

[momslove]

I'm sorry I never got back to this before now. I've been busy with other things over the last several days.

Mr. Principal talked to husband on Thursday for over an hour. (husband was under the impression they were discussing something that happened that day, rather than the day before.) Lots was said about how no one can be sure difficult child is doing his work on the easy child or not, because he's stays at his desk (oh no!) and sits there so quietly (the horror!) that they forget he's there. (Gee, whatever happened to teachers that made a point of walking around the room to see what their students were doing? I guess they don't do that at all anymore, but that's the way it was when I was in school. And if they weren't walking around, they were looking around the room at regular intervals, at least.) Mr. Principal said there was no way for them to know if difficult child was doing work on the computer, or playing a game on a website. (Don't think I mentioned that in my OP, but that is what he was doing instead of assignments. Playing a game, or reading his library book.) They had never thought of making sure difficult child was sitting close enough to the teacher for them to be able to see what web page he was actually on, I guess. But then, what seems to be a very simple matter to me apparently is not, from their point of view.

The computer screen getting messed up didn't happen when difficult child hit the desk. He was pressing on the lcd screen with his finger, looking at the colors or whatever that appeared when he pressed, and it messed it up. That's about all I heard was said on that matter, so I guess they weren't as concerned about it as I thought they were? Not sure.

Anyway, a lot of stuff was said, most of it a repeat of all the conversations we've ever had with them. Iit ended with husband agreeing that difficult child would remain at home the next day (Friday). He was under the impression it was a punishment of sorts for something that happened that day, and was a little ticked off when he realized it was about the previous day. But it was fine with me. The school and difficult child got a break from each other. That was also the last day of school before spring break, so it's a nice long break. LOL

So everyone's stress level in the house immediately went down. We enjoyed a nice long weekend with the kids, and we didn't talk about any of this stuff the entire time. It was very nice to just let it all be for a while!

Spring break is proving to be very relaxing for all of us. The worst we've had to tackle so far is bickering between brothers over whose turn it is to do one of the chores they have to do. LOL

Ok, so there's the update... gimme a bit to write out another post, in order to respond to what was said while I was away. This post is probably long enough as it is. lol

 

[momslove]

I just spent 30 minutes or more tweaking my signature. It ended up tweaking me instead. Took forever to shorten it up enough to make it work. *whew* Let's see if I can remember what I intended to write, before I got the great idea to add to my signature. Let me first say that I appreciate all the responses from all of you. It's very nice to be able to get this stuff off my chest with people who know and understand how frustrating and upsetting all this can be.

Sharon: Taking difficult child to a psychiatrist has been suggested to me here on the forum before. The thing is, there are no psychiatrists here, and it's 50 miles away in any direction to a city that would likely have one, and that would be a definite problem for our family. And I have to admit that even if there was a local psychiatrist, I'm not so sure that we would want to go that route, anyway.

Last week's outburst is not a common thing. When he was in elementary school, it was, but over time, we (us, school, difficult child) learned ways to prevent them from happening/lessen the occurrence, and it is extremely rare for him to have a physical outburst anymore. He can be very impertinent when it's discovered that he is not doing his (online) assignments and he is questioned about it, however, so it's fair to say he does have verbal outbursts from time to time. I may be making a horrible mistake in judgment here, but I just don't know that a psychiatrist is really needed for those issues. Any kid, whether he/she is a difficult child or not, can decide to stop doing their schoolwork, and get mouthy with their teacher(s)/principal about it when questioned, and his excuses for that behavior is every bit as lame as another child's would be. (Not aggressive, etc. Just typical teen stuff, in other words.)

I am, however, seriously thinking about asking for a complete reevaluation, anyway. Not because I'm convinced he has other, or at least different, issues... I guess it's pretty easy to tell that I'm not... but because we're working on an old evaluation here. I don't relish the thought of going through all that again, but I think it might be in his best interests. I would like very much to have the same psychologist speak with him again, if he was available to do so. I wasn't thrilled with all he had to say the first time around, but I never felt he was biased in any way, and respected his opinions. I would very much like to know if he felt difficult child has progressed/improved over the years, or whatever. I don't like the idea that he might (again) tell us something I didn't want to hear, but I know it is possible.

Did I just contradict myself in those two paragraphs? I guess I did, sort of... story of my life... always going back and forth on this stuff. LOL I might do better if I got more sleep from time to time. I'll come back later today and post again after I've caught a little snooze time. There's just not enough hours in the day to do everything, but I keep trying to find them, at the expense of a normal bedtime. NOT smart!