Having My Kid Live Elsewhere

[Jeppy]

I'm a little reluctant to post this here, because everyone seems to believe in Residential Treatment Center (RTC)'s, but I will put it out anyways for your responses since so many of you have been where I am.

My difficult child does not have a diagnosis that I can use to get him admitted to an Residential Treatment Center (RTC), at least not with my insurance paying, and he is totally out of control at home - kicked me last week and has been regularly damaging or destroying my things and the house itself. I've called the police but they haven't seen it as a serious matter - say many kids this age are "explosive" and it's normal (which I interpret to mean they don't want to be bothered to do all the paperwork and go to court to testify when judges in the area are known for being lenient - many cutbacks in the local police dept. due to the current economy affecting their morale also, but that's another story).

Next week I go to court and will likely have difficult child put into foster care (could be with a family, could be a group home) - other option is jail as he has violated probation. I don't feel safe with him in the home anymore. His social worker and probation officer are supportive of my moving him elsewhere on a short-term basis.

Of course now that difficult child knows the court date is coming up he is on his best behavior to try to avoid consequences so I am doubting myself; also family counselor seems to think if she asks him not to assault me anymore and he says he won't that will solve the problem - he has made the same promise before on numerous occasions.

He won't take medications and anger management classes didn't help.

No family members will take him.

I feel so sad that it has come to this.

 

[flutterby]

I'm sorry that it has come to this, but you need to protect yourself. Residential Treatment Center (RTC)'s are not available to a lot of us; probably not to most of us.

It's not unrealistic to hope that with you and difficult child having a break from each other that his behavior with you might improve in the long term. I think so much of it becomes habit.

"If I ask him to stop and he agrees, then he'll stop." Seriously? Has this therapist been in practice for more than 5 minutes?

(((hugs)))

 

[BusynMember]

Just to let you know that foster care costs some money too. Not as much as an Residential Treatment Center (RTC), but I think you have to pay. We had a strange situation once and we had to pay the state.

Also, sadly, if a child is unmanageable and unsafe at home, sometimes he is in the foster home too and fosters may not keep him. Then, on the other hand, sometimes they behave a bit better for the fosters.

I wish you good luck and hope it works out for you.

 

[compassion]

Good luck to you. It is not easy. My daughter is not living here either. She is living with freinds, She is about a year older. Someone in the family sees her daily to give her medications and money and often she is in contact by phone mulitple times a day. I take her grocery shooping once a week which was today. We see her to eat out usally once a week. It is not perfect but it is the way it is for now. Are there any freinds he could stay with? I consulted attorney,etc. We provide food, medications, etc. I would also try to get a diagnois to get SSI_D or other treatment . Compassion

 

[rlsnights]

What's up at school? Is he behaving OK there or not? You list Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) as a diagnosis. Does he have an IEP?

I ask because sometimes you can get Residential Treatment Center (RTC) or similar services through the SD depending on the case. They may also be able to do a combo therapeutic foster care placement and special day school.

As for the police, have you called and asked to speak to either a community police officer (some PD have these) or a sergeant? Because I would make sure they understand that you do not feel safe and that he has assaulted you but the officers who responded were unwilling to remove him from the home. That might get you a better response. At least it's worth a try.

The other thing is you might want to contact your local battered women's shelter and find out what services they offer. It is possible that you may want to go to their shelter in an emergency if your difficult child assaults you or threatens to do so and you can't get appropriate police support. So I would check it out in advance.

I'd ignore the family counselor. Sounds like a well meaning idjit. If she has the power to control what happens with your difficult child then you'll have to deal with her. Otherwise smile nod and do what you need to do to take care of yourself.

If he's violated parole I'd call his PO and tell them he's violated parole, has assaulted you and that you want him back in jail/juvie today.

 

[klmno]

This is a little similar to what was going on with my son- he was not aggressive with me the whole time but was self-destructing, then the last night home he did get aggressive with me. He was on probation and I had been trying to get him into a Residential Treatment Center (RTC). Anyway, he got turned over to Department of Juvenile Justice and has been incarcerated since Feb. It has not been as bad as I had anticipated.

 

[Jeppy]

Thanks for the replies. If it costs me, it costs me - I know the state would if anything take a percentage of my income vs. Residential Treatment Center (RTC)'s which charge more than I earn.

difficult child skips a lot of school and is failing everything. Has stopped acting up in class since he was threatened with expulsion last year, so he is capable of change but only if his back is up against the wall. When he turns 16 I expect him to drop out which probably would make him a lot easier to live with as he hates school. He is bright and could get a GED no problem if he wants to if it comes to that.

The school did evaluate him and said he was normal but "unmotivated" and wouldn't do an IEP. The Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) diagnosis is from individual therapist and difficult child denies the diagnosis and would fight being labelled at school.

I haven't gone to the next level with PD - that is something to think about, but I think the courts will be responsive as they are tired of dealing with him - it has been four years now he's been involved with them.

If any of his friends' families offered to take him in I would happily pay them to do so. He was banned from best friend's house though - doesn't behave there either.

It's good to hear klmno that the incarceration is not as bad as you thought. I do think with juveniles they really do try to reform and not just punish.

 

[klmno]

Of course the facility the kid gets sent to has a WHOLE lot to do with things. Trust me, I still have MANY frustrations dealing with legal authorities but my worst fears have not transpired, at least, and my son has done well there. Now whether or not he will be the same, worse, or better when he's released is a different story.

I should clarify- I am referring to a state Department of Juvenile Justice facility that is set up to run like a Residential Treatment Center (RTC) for behavior modification (it's not much for mental health treatment but does have a little). This is different than the local detention center, which is a complete waste of time, in my humble opinion. In detention, my son was exposed to all local kids awaiting trial for all kinds of offenses and there was only about 2 hours a day of a poor excuse for education. It was horrible and he was exposed to bad things. In this state Department of Juvenile Justice, they catagorize kids according to risk and type of problems and put them in facilities accordingly, so he is not in with the most dangerous and does not live in a unit with sex offenders. He has regular school, all day, but the school does have Department of Juvenile Justice guards throughout. He was catagorized as having anger management issues (the only other 2 options are sex offender and substance abuse) and had to do a "program" for that, which he has completed. Different states handle these things differently and they all aren't set up the same, but the local detention usually doesn't do much except wake the kid up to what could happen. Many come out of there more comfortable with incarceration- and detention centers normally hold kids for shorter periods, not really rehabilitative in nature.

 

[Mattsmom277]

Sorry things are so rough in your home. It isn't easy is it? (((hugs)))
I couldn't for the life of me get Residential Treatment Center (RTC) placement either, even with it being free in Canada. It wasn't a money thing. It was the agency that does placement. They badgered me to put him into Residential Treatment Center (RTC) when I felt we hadn't exhausted options at home. Then when things were exhausted? They committed to getting him a bed when one became available. While waiting, things got out of control and I did make the decision to place him into foster care. I know how heartbreaking it is to decide you can no longer have your own child in your home, and the whole foster home ideal etc. difficult child ended up in a theraputic foster home that was designed to work with kids like my difficult child. It was just about a 3 month placement. Then of course the agency refused a bed to Residential Treatment Center (RTC) with no notice. They informed difficult child who then informed me? No discussion. Nothing. I was livid! He came home the same day at my insistence.
He was treated well in his placement. Because it was a voluntary foster care situation, I had good communication with the foster parents. They were receptive, they worked with me to implement rules etc in their home that would be used in my home so that it was consistent between both places. difficult child hated it initially. Since they were good people, he got over it quick. Sad to be away from home, but realized why he was away from home and what the goals were (always the goal was to come home, when it was safe and healthy for the entire household to have him back home, onus on him). He to this day enjoys running into the fosters at the mall etc.
It is a scary leap to make. I hope that whatever comes of your situation, it is to your difficult child's benefit as well as your entire household. There is no perfect solution for us or any of our kids. All placements out of the home are painful. It is a loss to us from what we expected to have as our future when we became parents. It is heartbreaking to think your child must not be in our own homes. But sometimes it can be something that helps the family. Sometimes it is just a much needed break while we figure out where to go from there in helping our child and recharging our batteries and putting back in perspective what we often lose from the sheer trials of trying to parent children that are resistent to parenting.
Be kind to yourself. Gentle with yourself. You're human and not superhuman. These kids are loved, but not easy are they? More hugs for you and I truly hope you find a solution that benefits all of you long term.

 

[Andy]

I am so sorry . This is so hard. The counselor should know better than to accept his word for stopping this behavior. Even if there is a chance that he really does want to stop, it has become a way of life for him. He will need to work hard on keeping control. As soon as he feels trapped or frustrated, his reaction is to explode. Changing that is possible but not overnight and it sounds like it is not possible while living at home where he feels comfortable in exploding.

You also have to keep yourself safe. These really are hard decisions to make. You are doing the right thing. I am glad that you feel support from the social worker and probation officer.

 

[timer lady]

I have utilized Residential Treatment Center (RTC) placement only after everything else has been tried. When kt &/or wm spiraled they spiraled hard, fast & dangerously. After hospitalization at phospital they were transferred to Residential Treatment Center (RTC).

Saying that, wm is also voluntarily placed in a foster group home. Hardest decision in husband & my married life. AND it gave us moments to heal; to learn what life with-o the wm chaos is all about.

Residential Treatment Center (RTC) is expensive, not readily available & admission is a hit or miss.

I'd like to offer you my support in whatever decision you come to - that if you utilize foster care that a home is found quickly & it is a help to your difficult child.

 

[DammitJanet]

Sometimes they just have to live elsewhere. Residential Treatment Center (RTC)'s arent always the magic cure either. I dont know what is really. I think we really just have to keep them safe from themselves until they grow up. Knowing what I know now, I would have places that could house these kids until they are 21 or so with therapy and medication...in locked facilities. Not punative...but so they cant ruin their lives with their impulsive actions and end up in jail. Yes...bury them at 12 and let them out at 21...lol.

 

[Jeppy]

I found out today from the social worker that foster placement if ordered will most likely be in a facility (group home) based on his age rather than with a family which is done more with younger children who are easier to place. The state outsources the management of the facility to an organization that also runs rehab centers and they do extensive testing to determine what the issues are and where the child should go afterwards. The children are expected toattend their existing school - there is one of these facilities in my hometown. So that would provide some continuity.

The facility is in a real bad neighborhood though and I know a kid who was there a few years ago, got in a fight with another kid, and ran away out of state.

 

[compassion]

Janet, Right on., That is exactlly what my difficult child needs.
Jeppy, Keep us posted!!! Compassion