He at least apologized.

AnnieO

Shooting from the Hip
I'd go off my rocker having to live like that.

Susie - it's a great idea. Unfortunately, some things cannot be ignored - and no one is going to come to my house just to tend the litter box. (Dirty litter box = cat poo on the floor... USUALLY in MY bathroom, because they have another litter box there - and for some reason, it gets cleaned, but if they're upset about the other one...) Or dishes. They start to grow weird stuff and REEK after a couple of days, at which point EVERYONE is being punished. I finally told the kids - here's the deal. Since you don't do your chores when you're asked to, and refuse to follow your lists, from now on you will do them WHEN you are told to, and for no allowance. Period. Interestingly, this seems to work better (I'm not sure why).

HOWEVER, that said - I still cannot park in my garage, husband's computer room is disgusting, and the kids' rooms - well, Onyxx's looks like a tornado hit and Jett's as well, but his also SMELLS on top of it. He cleaned it last Saturday - spent the night at a friend's - and when I got home, I wandered down the hall and - SPLOO! explosion of stuff on the floor. Wait, he went in there for 2 minutes to put on his costume. WOW.

This weekend - Friday he didn't have school, and husband let him play a game on his laptop... Then told him to sweep the deck (leaves) and clean his room. Needless to say... Game was his priority, so I had to send him to do his room when I got home - and didn't realize husband had mentioned the deck... He went to BM's, and the deck is still covered. husband and I agreed - no more games or TV till stuff is done.

How are we going to enforce? Easy. Parental-control the TV (hee hee, love U-Verse), and the games are locked up.

Is it going to be a pain? Yes... But... Necessary. Natural consequence - watch TV and don't do stuff? No TV till stuff is done.
 

Shari

IsItFridayYet?
Unfortunately, husband is my spouse, not my child. If he were my child, I might be posteing a vent, but I know dang good and well how I'd handle it, and it would be like you, Step... At this point, I am still going to refuse to be his parent. But it may come to that.

And I could and would hire someone to clean. Have done it before. But it still has to be picked up for someone to clean...and it still largely falls on me to do that.

He got home around 3 today. I haven't looked at the camper but I know he carried in all the food from the fridge and cleaned the cast iron. I am getting ready to take off another 50gal can of garbage, I'm gonna slip in the camper and see what I find. But he's been short with me since he got home.
 

Shari

IsItFridayYet?
He washed the dishes and emptied the fridge.

Wee's bed has the blanket and sheets pulled off, but they are wadded up on the couch. The bed, itself, is still folded down. The cast iron is not put away. Coats, etc, he just tossed in the door to come home. The comforter is 3/4 off the bed, half the pillows are on the floor.

I got up at 9 this morning and have cleaned on this house all but 3 hours. I quit at 9 tonight. My bedroom and the bathroom are still untouched.

This just needs to be done...just...not on-going.
 
H

HaoZi

Guest
It's a start. Some positive reinforcement might go a good ways here. Pat him on the head and tell him good effort, I know you'll do even better next time now that you have some practice in. ;)
 

Shari

IsItFridayYet?
I don't have anything positive to say. I know, that's bad, but I just don't. He has been short and snappy at me since he's been home. He folded 1 very small load of laundry and left it on the floor for about 2 hours before he put it away. My mom showed up and she started putting it away, so he got up and finished. Otherwise, has been in front of the tv since about 3:45.
Oh, I take that back...he made nacho cheese dip in the crock pot. Its all still on the counter.
I ran across his 2 missing cell phone chargers while cleaning and gave them to him (he had blamed me for taking them...they were plugged in in cgfg's room....). Then he got snappy at me because he couldn't find one of his cell phones that I had used when mine was broken. He needed it, and I didn't put it back, blah blah blah. So I just spent the last hour looking for the phone. I finally found it. In the drawer where he keeps random junk...he just missed it. Did he need it? No. He just wants to make sure too keep it cause it works and IIIII hadn't put it back. (he has 7)
 
H

HaoZi

Guest
I was going for humor, can't blame you for not being in the mood for that tonight.

Why does anyone need that many cell phones? The military has a donation program for old (but working) cell phones so the overseas people can call home now and then.
 

DaisyFace

Love me...Love me not
Unfortunately, husband is my spouse, not my child. If he were my child, I might be posteing a vent, but I know dang good and well how I'd handle it, and it would be like you, Step... At this point, I am still going to refuse to be his parent. But it may come to that.

And I could and would hire someone to clean. Have done it before. But it still has to be picked up for someone to clean...and it still largely falls on me to do that.

Exactly what I was trying to say earlier. Picking up so that I can pay somebody to clean? I'd be steamed!!!

And the things you might do to discipline a child are different (or at least I hope they are different) than the way you deal with a spouse. I could see pawning/selling/giving away my child's things - but not my husband's things...and really, what would that do to your marriage other than start a huge fight?

Rather - I wonder whether you need to break this "chores" thing down into really small steps?

I've never known a man to refuse a simple, direct request...such as "Honey, would you please take out the garbage?"

If you don't ask at the right time, you might get a "I'll get to it later..." in which case, you just ask again later....just as sweetly as you asked the first time. But I've never known a man to say NO in response to a simple request to help.

I don't know whether you are already doing this in your household - but I feel like a lot of what you are posting are the things your husband didn't notice, or he "missed" or he didn't do the "implied task". For example, when you asked him to put in a load of laundry and remove the clothes from the dryer - technically, he did exactly what you said....he just didn't do the implied task of folding and putting away the clean clothes.
 

AnnieO

Shooting from the Hip
I've never known my husband to refuse a direct request, either.

He just doesn't do it.

Sure! I'll get it! ... Days go by... Direct request again... Sure! I'll get it! ... Days go by... Direct request again... Sure! I'll get it! ... Days go by... Direct request again... And I'm now at my limit and just DO IT MYSELF.

That's an extreme case, but it's about right...
 

DaisyFace

Love me...Love me not
I've never known my husband to refuse a direct request, either.

He just doesn't do it.

Sure! I'll get it! ... Days go by... Direct request again... Sure! I'll get it! ... Days go by... Direct request again... Sure! I'll get it! ... Days go by... Direct request again... And I'm now at my limit and just DO IT MYSELF.

That's an extreme case, but it's about right...

LOL! Yes, that's happened in my house, too...

But instead of doing it myself - I'll stop everything (such as dinner) and I will say "Hon, I can't get dinner ready because I am still waiting for you to _____________________."

That usually makes things happen...
 

AnnieO

Shooting from the Hip
...Now if that would just work for the kids...

"Hey, I need the sink so I can make dinner, can you take care of the dishes please?"

"HOLD ON..."
 

Shari

IsItFridayYet?
Like Step, he doesn't refuse to do anything.

He was going to change the oil in the car. I waited 11 months. For both cars, actually. Something tells me that's plenty of time.

And generally when I ask him to help, its so I can (theoretically) get more done. A common one will be to pick up the living room. He likes to pick up the free classified ad papers, and there are lots of them in this area. He will sit in his chair and watch tv and circle and cut out ads for **** he never buys or calls about. And when he's done, he drops it on the floor beside the chair. Plates and glasses (cause he generally eats in the chair) on the end table. Kicks off his socks in that chair, and late at night, his jeans. So all that stuff will be there. So I will want to run the dishwasher, and I'll ask for the dishes. IF he does it, it will be at midnight, before he goes to bed, when he's finally done watching this show. Or maybe its so I can sweep the living room. Same deal. Another is asking him to take stuff he's dragged into the house from the shop back to the shop. I make a pile by the door. Again, if I'm there to sweep the floor, etc, I either move the pile or find something else to do.

There's never a shortage of alternative tasks, but nearly every where I turn, I have to deal with his stuff in order to clean (also, he considers cleaning to be picking up his stuff. I consider cleaning to be sweeping, mopping, dusting, etc. Which comes AFTER you pick up all the stuff.)

As for the cell phones, that's the way he is. He has some hoarding traits, himself, and no ability to organize anything. He has titles to vehicles in popcorn tins in the shop. And, he will loan me anything. But the moment I am finished with it, he epxects it back exactly where it came from. The reason I went on the hunt for the cell phone to begin with was because I had numbers on it I needed to get off, and I had thought about keeping it on my nightstand so I wouldn't forget to do it. I also apparently thought that was a bad idea because it was back in the drawer where it belongs.

But you see the double standard here? I have to put back anything that belongs to him. I have to ask to borrow what belongs to him or his parents. My stuff is a free for all - like the truck...he wasn't going to borrow a vehicle when WE had a perfectly good one in the drive. I said he couldn't take it, he did anyway. But he can take the battery charger that I got for Christmas 2 years ago an take it to his parents' shop and use it there, and not bring it home, and lock the doors (to which I'm not allowed a key). The boys have to put back everything, etc, immediately when finished. (ok, there's nothing wrong with this....dont' get me wrong). We don't have any log chains and booms at our house anymore. In fact, easy child 1 and I finally bought a set and easy child 1 keeps them locked in his toolbox in his truck. Which makes husband BEYOND mad that he can't get to them, even tho husband is the one who dragged our log chains and booms to his folks' place and didn't bring them back. There is a cabinet in our shop that he put a lock on, and he locks some tools in there - not always his, either. His justification is so he'll know where these things are when he neede thems. He found a small socket set of mine last year that I keep in the house, and he had one like it. Both were missing pieces. He took my set, made one complete one, and dumped the rest in a drawer in the shop. I don't know where the "complete" set is. I found my dremel set dumped on the counter in the shop, half the pieces lost, but easy child 1 and I are the ones who lose everything.

If he comes home and we've been working on a car and we have power tools out that originally came from him, or the lawnmower out, and haven't put it away yet (more than once we've stopped to eat when he comes home) he will put his things away. In the case of the lawnmower, he has even unhooked a trailer where it sat (we were hauling mulch to the garden), full, and put the mower away but left the trailer (which was mine) out. Even tho, if he is using something that originally came from me, he may or may not put ANY of it away.

I am not perfect. I forget things. I don't put things away 100% of the time. And I'm lenient with others, so long as they admit they screw up, too, and don't hold everyone else to a higher standard. I have never experienced such a division between families, let alone, spouses.

And he loves to use "dumb" as his excuse. Then, of course, the rich comment the other night. Which makes NO sense. If I'm the spoiled rich brat, then why am I the one that insists on closing the storm windows when the heat or ac is on? Or hanging out laundry on the line to save $100 on the electric bill. Or maintaining 15 year old vehicles properly so they'll live longer, instead of having to buy new ones? If I'm so rich and spoiled, why am I the one worried about that?

Sorry, HaoZi. I completely missed the humor. Scarey part is, I'm getting to where I'm not angry any more.
 
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Shari

IsItFridayYet?
Oh, and if I mentioned the oil (we're talking over the course of 11 months, here), I was nagging.

He still expresses no remorse about the car or taking the truck. He did not thank me for finding him and helping him get out of where he was on Friday night. Hell, at that point, that's not even his fault, its the dumb people who built the road so confusing... He didn't thank me for pulling a pie crust out of my butt in the middle of a campground, or for stepping in and making the pies that he is famous for at this campout.

Maybe I take it all the wrong way, but I see it as a giant slap in the face and total disrespect.
 
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AnnieO

Shooting from the Hip
Shari - I know exactly what you mean.

Don't get me wrong. husband does some good stuff. And he does try. But if it isn't his? So what. (This was rammed home by Onyxx's thefts - he didn't much care until he found HIS stuff in her room!!!)

As for not being allowed a key?! Honestly, if husband were like this - I'd swipe his and have a copy made. The only key I have that he isn't allowed to have a copy of is the one to the building at work - and that's cause it's government-issue, supposedly non-duplicatible. And honestly? If it were an emergency, and he could get on base (he can't, right now, no government ID), I'd let him. (Just because I can always find my set of the keys to the guns and ammo box... And he rarely can find his set... LOL!)

But seriously. Do you have a fireplace? Classifieds make great kindling.

And I also have a sneaking suspicion that, just like me, when things start piling up on you, the smaller things GROW and GROW. So dishes that weren't an issue, because of the way your husband is acting, are now... ???
 

DaisyFace

Love me...Love me not
Oh, and if I mentioned the oil (we're talking over the course of 11 months, here), I was nagging.

He still expresses no remorse about the car or taking the truck. He did not thank me for finding him and helping him get out of where he was on Friday night. Hell, at that point, that's not even his fault, its the dumb people who built the road so confusing... He didn't thank me for pulling a pie crust out of my butt in the middle of a campground, or for stepping in and making the pies that he is famous for at this campout.

Maybe I take it all the wrong way, but I see it as a giant slap in the face and total disrespect.

I'm with you, Shari--

I'd be FURIOUS!!!!!

And that blaming others and never seeing your own flaws is classic difficult child-ness....I don't think I'd be able to take that for very long.

I grew up in a house where my things always seemed to be "up for grabs". I can't tell you how many times my stuff was "borrowed" and then lost, or broken or whatever...without any apologies whatsoever. These days, I admit, I am over-sensitive about personal belongings. I get angry if somebody so makes as takes a pencil without asking me - so yeah, I be mad as all get-out.

I am so sorry that you are dealing with this koi from your husband! Kids is one thing but ay-yi-yih!

Sadly, anger is the last frontier in a marriage...

Once you are past angry - the marriage is over.

I hope you guys can get this worked out before it is too late.
 

Shari

IsItFridayYet?
Yeah, you can ignore the little things when there's good things taking place to counter it. I think I am looking, and I'm just not finding any good right now. Things hit the fan with Wee, his comment at difficult child 1's party about cgfg that makes every act of favoritism just burn me to my core (and his admission that it was wrong, but only a semi-sincere attempt to correct it unless I call attention to everything), the car thing that's been going on for years, piled on top of difficult child 1 having to come home and clean up our house in order to hold his party, finding another cooler of dumped beer cause he was too lazy to take it from the cooler to the fridge, demanding everyone handle his stuff the way he wants it handled, but complete disregard for anyone else...yeah, I'm a little done.

I got in my truck last night to haul off another 50gal barrel of garbage. Now, recall, I was told the batteries are fine, but that there is a ton of stuff hard-wired to the positive side of the batteries that causes them to drain faster than they should, right? You can't even leave trailers plugged in because the brake box is enough to draw them down (fwiw husband wired most of this stuff before I knew anything about it being really bad to do). Which is what is also killing my starters...repeatedly starting the truck with low voltage (this info from a diesel mechanic that works for Cummins) Until I get all that junk off the positive side of the battery, its gonna require some extra TLC to keep it from happening again. So I got in last night to the trailer extension plug still plugged in (but trailer unhooked), his cell phone charger and another charger plugged into the cigarette lighters, and the A/C on. Three of those items are drawing juice all the time. The A/C is definitely going to draw juice when you're trying to start the truck. I don't know how many times I've told him to turn the A/C off before you shut it off. And there it was, again. Another smack in my face that he doesn't have to do anything I ask.

About 3 years ago, he took our team in a parade, and to get them there, he took them down the side of a major highway. I told him I was very uncomfortable with doing so, because they hadn't been exposed to that level of traffic and noise, there was no place to get off the road if something went wrong, and our insurance at the time was limited on what it would cover. I wanted to at least follow with the car and flashers. He looked at me and snapped that they were his G--d---ed horses, too, and he was going to take them down the road without me. That was really the first time he'd ever snapped at me. We'd been married less than 2 years. I didn't put too much emphasis on it at the time. Looking back, tho, that was about the time he started to get "comfortable" and basically all of this started.

I shoud have told him to shove it, then.

I'm afraid we've been in trouble for quite some time now.
 
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