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He is not well.
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 667211" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>I too think that it would be best to delete much identifying information, SuZir.</p><p></p><p>We have been in similar situations. Times when we know things are slipping, but when the child's behaviors could still be construed as rational. Vilification of parents as you describe seems to be part of this. I think what happens is that the child understands his own changing status well enough to defend against it.</p><p></p><p>He is scared, too.</p><p></p><p>It is frightening to understand we are no longer able to validate reality as we know it must be. That is the best way I can think to describe how it feels for the person suffering. It isn't that they aren't aware that things are changing in how they interpret reality, it is that they are frightened because things are changing, and they do know it. They want so desperately for it not to be true.</p><p></p><p>I think they focus what they feel for themselves onto us.</p><p></p><p>If we are the one overreacting to every little thing, that means they are okay.</p><p></p><p>I have not been able to break through that feeling that I am...not really the enemy, but that I am the person it is necessary to fool or to trick into believing these changes are not happening; that I am the one who must be made to see that every choice is being made rationally and is healthy. It feels like being desperately loved by someone who is drowning and finds me repulsive at the same time.</p><p></p><p>I know it is frightening for the sufferer. As the illness progresses...it's like the child compartmentalizes. The most frightening aspects are presented in glowing terms for validation that the increasing abnormalities are normal.</p><p></p><p>That is the best way I can describe it.</p><p></p><p>Responding honestly is met with rage driven, so I believe, by fear. The child goes no contact. When contact is made again, the same desperate measures are in effect but with less complexity. There is not a feeling of love, but of angry determination that the inappropriate behaviors will be validated as rational.</p><p></p><p>I am sorry SuZir, but I don't know how to help. In stepping in to help, we are seen as the enemy and are resented. Something that feels close to disgust is paramount in every interaction. When we step away, the illness progresses anyway. Knowing what I know now...I still don't know what I would have done differently, or what is the best thing to do, now. Responsibility to something the suffering child cherishes can bring them back to a degree. Affection and honesty, acknowledging that the situation is frightening, that we believe they know how to care for themselves responsibly. Encouraging them to hold faith with themselves. Reminding them they have come through beautifully in the past ~ and having an example to back that up. Those choices of attitude seem at least to enable trust. Like in the eye of the hurricane, there is a quiet, true place the child can get to. Hope of that, belief that you hold a center they can get to, helps them, I think.</p><p></p><p>But a hurricane is a destructive thing. It does not help us to minimize what is happening. For us to know how to function through it when the child's responses are so rageful or deceitful or manipulative is difficult.</p><p></p><p>Knowing my intentions regarding my interactions with the child helped me remember steady state. Not to panic, not to give in to fear.</p><p></p><p>Not to enable.</p><p></p><p>To define my role to myself helps me to stay or reclaim or come back to that mental space where I can function as the eye of the hurricane. It helps me to understand it is fear driving the behaviors. I find empathy and compassion for all of us, there.</p><p></p><p>There are lies told and believed.</p><p></p><p>It becomes impossible to maintain trust.</p><p></p><p>We have to get to a place in our thinking where we can respond from our sane core for the sake of the person we love who cannot find his sane core, and is covering his terror with anger or manipulation or disgust.</p><p></p><p>And that's all I know. I wish I did know more about how to do this. I'm sorry SuZir. Maybe someone else will post in and we both can learn how to do better for us and for the kids. Acknowledging that this is a very hard thing helps me not to feel like I've failed. Keeping a firm grip on what this person means to me helps me. That is a very hard thing to do, too. I try to listen to myself as I speak with the child, to be sure I am saying what I think I am.</p><p></p><p>I say Anne Lamott's simple prayer: "Help." Help me be who my child needs. I say that one, alot.</p><p></p><p>I am very afraid, too. Accepting that helps me not be afraid of how scared I am.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 667211, member: 17461"] I too think that it would be best to delete much identifying information, SuZir. We have been in similar situations. Times when we know things are slipping, but when the child's behaviors could still be construed as rational. Vilification of parents as you describe seems to be part of this. I think what happens is that the child understands his own changing status well enough to defend against it. He is scared, too. It is frightening to understand we are no longer able to validate reality as we know it must be. That is the best way I can think to describe how it feels for the person suffering. It isn't that they aren't aware that things are changing in how they interpret reality, it is that they are frightened because things are changing, and they do know it. They want so desperately for it not to be true. I think they focus what they feel for themselves onto us. If we are the one overreacting to every little thing, that means they are okay. I have not been able to break through that feeling that I am...not really the enemy, but that I am the person it is necessary to fool or to trick into believing these changes are not happening; that I am the one who must be made to see that every choice is being made rationally and is healthy. It feels like being desperately loved by someone who is drowning and finds me repulsive at the same time. I know it is frightening for the sufferer. As the illness progresses...it's like the child compartmentalizes. The most frightening aspects are presented in glowing terms for validation that the increasing abnormalities are normal. That is the best way I can describe it. Responding honestly is met with rage driven, so I believe, by fear. The child goes no contact. When contact is made again, the same desperate measures are in effect but with less complexity. There is not a feeling of love, but of angry determination that the inappropriate behaviors will be validated as rational. I am sorry SuZir, but I don't know how to help. In stepping in to help, we are seen as the enemy and are resented. Something that feels close to disgust is paramount in every interaction. When we step away, the illness progresses anyway. Knowing what I know now...I still don't know what I would have done differently, or what is the best thing to do, now. Responsibility to something the suffering child cherishes can bring them back to a degree. Affection and honesty, acknowledging that the situation is frightening, that we believe they know how to care for themselves responsibly. Encouraging them to hold faith with themselves. Reminding them they have come through beautifully in the past ~ and having an example to back that up. Those choices of attitude seem at least to enable trust. Like in the eye of the hurricane, there is a quiet, true place the child can get to. Hope of that, belief that you hold a center they can get to, helps them, I think. But a hurricane is a destructive thing. It does not help us to minimize what is happening. For us to know how to function through it when the child's responses are so rageful or deceitful or manipulative is difficult. Knowing my intentions regarding my interactions with the child helped me remember steady state. Not to panic, not to give in to fear. Not to enable. To define my role to myself helps me to stay or reclaim or come back to that mental space where I can function as the eye of the hurricane. It helps me to understand it is fear driving the behaviors. I find empathy and compassion for all of us, there. There are lies told and believed. It becomes impossible to maintain trust. We have to get to a place in our thinking where we can respond from our sane core for the sake of the person we love who cannot find his sane core, and is covering his terror with anger or manipulation or disgust. And that's all I know. I wish I did know more about how to do this. I'm sorry SuZir. Maybe someone else will post in and we both can learn how to do better for us and for the kids. Acknowledging that this is a very hard thing helps me not to feel like I've failed. Keeping a firm grip on what this person means to me helps me. That is a very hard thing to do, too. I try to listen to myself as I speak with the child, to be sure I am saying what I think I am. I say Anne Lamott's simple prayer: "Help." Help me be who my child needs. I say that one, alot. I am very afraid, too. Accepting that helps me not be afraid of how scared I am. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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