He is slowly killing me

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by overitnow, May 2, 2016.

  1. overitnow

    overitnow New Member

    My 18 y.o. son has been struggling with drugs since he was 13. In and out of rehab 4 times. this last time he was in for 8 months. Relapsed with in a month. His dad purchased him a car. Within a week he had 2 speeding tickets. Within a month he was caught with paraphernalia and pot in his car. After that he totaled his car 3 days after that and received another ticket prior to that day.

    Court was scheduled 3 weeks ago. Had a public defender and was asked if he would test positive for THC now and he said yes. She gave him another month to get clean. Well needless to say he hasn't. I don't know what to do with him. I don't want him to go to jail and he will this time.

    I'm over it and he is literally killing me. He is driving me crazy, It is interfering with my jobs (yes I work 2 jobs so that I don't have to be home to deal with all his crap). I am constantly sick and sleeping when I'm at home. I take all anti anxiety medications there is to take. I'm at a loss.

    He has also racked up over $1000.00 in fees and does not have the money to pay them and I have told him over and over I will not pay them. He has a low paying job, but he spends all it on pot.

    It doesn't help that he has mental problems, and is all kinds of medications from ADD to Bipolar.

    All in all I can just say I don't want him to go to jail, though I know it is probably the best thing for him.
    He is a good kid just stupid. Sorry to say that, I just feel like It is all my fault and I am not doing my job as a mother.

    And I'm sorry if this thread has been talked about before, just don't have time to go thru them all.

    Any comments would be appreciated.

    Thank you
  2. Heather52

    Heather52 Member

  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Hi. Im sorry for your pain. My daughter once used meth.

    You need to see your son straight...and his father too or it WILL kill you.

    Your son is a legal adult and bet he lets you know it. He is not a ten year old boy. He is not a good kid. He is a young man (many his age are in college, working full time and, yes, serving our country. He is dangerous not just to himself but he should never have been given a car or been behind the wheel. Its not just a dumb kid 'mistake" to drive while intoxicated. It can lead to vehicular homicide. What is his father thinking? Does he want to help his son or see him in prison (forget jail) for killing an innocent driver who was sober. Nothing against your kid, but I hope they took his license.

    Jail is probably not only the safest place for him, but he can get clean and maybe get scared straight. I would not bail him out or pary for an attorney or he will learn that mom will rescue him if he does bad things. I know you dont want to help him feel free to take dangerous chances. Forget him crying to you that he learned his lesson. Pure manipulation.

    He has common mental health problems....anxiety, depression. I have both and more, but they are treatable and he is aware that self medication will just make them worse. He needs to be the one to treat his mental health issues because he is a legal adult. I had to do it at 18. He is capable of getting help too. It is not an excuse to dis your house rules and drive intoxicated. This isnt your fault. Its 90 percent his fault. Dad is guilty of buying him a car.

    Once you see your son as a legal adult, even though immature, you will maybe stop making excuses for his very deliberate bad behavior. Immaturity goes hand in hand with drug use, even if the person is 50. He needs to grow up and take responsibility. He is young enough to decide on rehab and to not be a drug lifer. But they dont do it if we are there enabling them and excusing them.
    Al anon is very helpful for parents of adult substance abusers. It even can help those who are not religious. I am spiritual but not religious and the commaraderie, understanding and friendship got me through the worst of it.
    I welcome you and wish only the best. Be good to yourself. Dont let him ruin your life. You are seperate people. Detach, detach detach.
  4. Heather52

    Heather52 Member

    It is not your fault! The first thing us parents do is blame everything on ourselves. It's time to out a stop to that and let's start making our troubled teens take responsibility for their own actions. Let them take accountability for what he or she has done. Stop enabling them. Sorry But buying a kid a car knowing he has a substance abuse problem? Sad to say he's made some bad choices. Now let this kid for once learn the hard way. This is the only way he is going to learn. It's called tough love. Stop blaming yourselves but please don't enable this kid. He knows the difference in right or wrong .
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  5. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Not an uncommon situation. Mental health challenges are very poorly served in general, and especially among the child and teen populations. So, he has some diagnoses, and medications as a result. But, you really don't know if they ever were the right medications, much less if they are right, now. And you may not even know the accuracy of the actual diagnoses. It's not unusual for kids like this to fall between the cracks - and it has nothing to do with us being "bad parents" - the system is stacked against us and our kids.

    Having said that. He is 18. He is capable of holding down a job. He legally has the right to make his own (stupid or not) choices.

    The choices he is making at this point are not going in a right direction. So, it isn't wise to be supporting those choices. Pay for insurance on a car when he's prepared to drive under the influence of whatever? I wouldn't. Pay for rehab if he wants to go? Sure - or, depending on the relationship, maybe. Pay to go to school? Under the current conditions, I wouldn't pre-pay, but would consider paying back the tuition for any courses that are passed. Even if it's just up-grading of grade 12 standing. Positive actions can be supported and rewarded. The rest... much as it kills us, is better if we back away from. How fast or slow we back away depends on the exact situation and the relationship.
  6. PonyGirl65

    PonyGirl65 Active Member

    It used to be my worst fear that my son would go to jail. I KNOW what you are saying when you say you don't want him to go. Please believe me, I KNOW!

    But guess what else I know: When my son FINALLY went to jail, I found it to be a RELIEF. I know where he is, he is safe and warm. He is not drinking or using drugs. He is not able to hurt himself or anyone else.

    He's been in and out of jail almost half his life now. He just never learns. He is a hopeless drug addict.

    He is also my favorite person in the whole wide world.

    But his addiction has taken him away from me and turned him into a lying stealing harmful human being.

    He was recently sentenced to 5 years in prison for felony burglary.

    And now, despite my worst fear that he would go to prison, my thoughts have turned to: Well, there's better programs available at State prison then there is at County jail.

    My son has seemingly turned over a new leaf, albeit it's pretty easy to change your ways when you have no other choice, but the communication we have now seems to be in a more positive light.

    So. Try to get ready for your son to go to jail. I know there's no getting ready for that, but try to find a different perspective on it.

    He will no longer be a danger to society or to himself. He will be safe and warm and fed. He will be out of your home and you can have a bit of peace.

    You'll be in my thoughts!
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  7. Karenvm

    Karenvm Member

    Overit, I can relate. Your son sounds a lot like mine. I'm really struggling right now as well. None of this is easy. Sometimes I feel so sad, discouraged, and feel that everything I have done is wrong. I am just so very tired of all of the "drama". I love my son so much, but I don't love the behaviors he exhibits at times. It's helpful to know that I am not alone, and I hope it helps you to know that you are also not alone in this.