wakeupcall

Well-Known Member
Good Morning

I've been a member on this forum for years and years. I've not posted in a long time, but I read every day. I found I had very little to offer....'can't seem to get difficult child stable no matter what we do. Presently, difficult child's father and I are divorcing. Not really difficult child's fault, but his behavior certainly hasn't helped. Been married 41 years.

All difficult child does is argue. We can hardly stand it any longer. Until this school year, difficult child has done okay at school, but now that he's in high school, has more freedom, he's doing horribly. I, too, am tired. We've worked like dogs since he was three (he's fifteen) to make a difference and I don't think it's done a bit of good. He argues with everyone.....everyone. No matter what the topic is...he argues. It's exhausting.

We've had him in a partial hospitalization program for months....now, very diplomatically, they have kicked him out because he's so disruptive. All the time, all the money, all the whatever.......hasn't helped. I doubt the effectiveness that an Residential Treatment Center (RTC) could have with him, thus am probably not going to do that. We feel like failures as parents. He's living with his father because three therapists have said it isn't safe for him to live with me. He hasn't been put in jail yet, but it's around the corner. He's skipping school (what does the law think we can do about it when we don't know about it till it's the next day??). He broke the rope on a flagpole and now has a court hearing this month. He doesn't care and we are horrified and mortified.

It's very disheartening to think all this hasn't helped.
 
T

TeDo

Guest
and I've come to the realization that he is mad and that arguing is his way of showing how mad he is.

he said he was blaming me because he's mad a bmom

So I take the blame. Same a usual. It's raining? Mom's fault. You broke into Mom's ofc and stole Quaker peanut butter bars and used her computer? Mom's fault because she took away the other computer and tries to keep a strict gluten free diet.


Oh, do I know how this feels. difficult child and easy child both do this. When they are angry at someone at school, they come home and take it out on me. Everything is my fault too. Why is it I don't feel like God?!? I have gotten to where I make both tell me why they are angry with ME, specifically: What did I do? With the blaming, I don't feed into it. I just tell them, "yup, and it's my fault your video games are going to disappear while you sleep:devil:" or something similar and then just walk away. It bugs them to no end but gets them thinking. With easy child, I can sometimes talk to him and try to have him explain to me HOW I am to blame for things out of my control. He has yet to prove my fault on most things.
 

MICHL

Member
It all seems so pre-destined.. no amount of parenting has helped our difficult child. difficult child was a difficult child from the day he was born and it seems to be in his DNA to behave this badly and to be this stubborn. I can't change his DNA... I've tried to be the best parent I could be. When he was an infant I nursed him for 5 months. When he was 3 i took him to a toy train fair and he was kicking and hitting me because i would not buy him something.. It's been that way ever since. Hindsight is 20/20.. my life story.
 

TerryJ2

Well-Known Member
I can see I'm in good company!

I logged onto my computer this a.m. and it said, "Your browsing session has shut down unexpectedly. Would you like to restore it?"
Knowing that I logged off in a perfectly normal way, I hit "yes" and lo and behold, Lost Saga download appeared on the page.

So from my end, I know for a fact that my difficult child will argue more when he is sleep deprived, and when he's not on his medications. (IOW, he's been playing games on my computer in the middle of the night.)
I see a good kid in there. I just wish I could see him all the time.

More importanly, I wish HE could understand the difference that sleep and medications make. If not, he will end up ... somewhere else. Not sure where, but somewhere. Not here.

That's really the only thing that keeps me going.
 
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DammitJanet

Well-Known Member
One thing I wish all kids could have was a glimpse into the future...something like the ghost of difficult child future!

I can tell you now that I would have done many things differently. Maybe not all of them, but some. Let me tell ya, its not so fun to have someone you barely remember from 30 years ago remind you of your "wild child" times at your fathers wake...lol.
 

TerryJ2

Well-Known Member
So, what would you do differently about your kids? If your could go back, Janet?
Just wondering ...
And do you really think it would have worked? Would anything have worked?
 

timer lady

Queen of Hearts
You know Terry, so much of this sounds like attachment issues (combined with all the other stuff). I'm not suggesting a diagnosis ~ it's all very familiar. Your difficult child sounds so much like a wm wannabe. (Not trying to scare you, my dear - really I'm not.)

As to looking back & changing things I really wouldn't waste my time or emotional energy on such things. I would get caught up in that on various occasions & it accomplished was to deplete my emotional resources & physical energy. I did what I could at the time with the information I had on hand. That's all any parent can do. I would expect no less from you.

I hope you find some kind of solution to your difficult children continual arguing. I will mention that I took things down to a bare minimum with both kt & wm. I picked my battles very very wisely. I didn't care if wm lost sleep over some game ~ however he wasn't to blame me or others for his actions the next day due to the lack of sleep. It was his choice to stay up & play. I gave wm his choice, the consequences for that choice & held him to it. He hated every minute of being tired & being reminded that he couldn't blame anyone but himself. School was in on it as well - united front.

Good luck, sweetie.


 
Terry,

I'm getting here late but will throw my two cents in too. If I had to do it all over again, I know there are things I would have done differently. I agree with what Linda said. I would not sweat the small stuff, choose my battles very carefully, and let natural consequences take over as much as possible. While I eventually did learn to handle difficult child 1 in this way, it was only after I had gone through what felt like an eternity of living in absolute HE77.

difficult child 1 was, still is, and probably will always be very argumentative. When difficult child 1 wasn't stable, the best advice I was ever given was to keep my sentences limited to no more than five or six words. Respond only if absolutely necessary. Things got worse before they got better. Eventually difficult child 1 got bored because he wasn't able to get me going. He even admitted that I wasn't any "fun" any more. difficult child 1 got a strange sense of enjoyment out of watching me get angry.

Sorry you're going through such a difficult time with your difficult child... SFR
 

TerryJ2

Well-Known Member
Yes, I'm assuming that my difficult child will always be argumentative, too.

I'll try the No Fun short sentence approach. :)

Don't know what to say about the attachment issue. It bothers me because it will only get worse if/when we sent him to boarding school or Residential Treatment Center (RTC).
Although some of them handle adoption issues in their counseling sessions.
 
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