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He just does not get it
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<blockquote data-quote="tishthedish" data-source="post: 630014" data-attributes="member: 17103"><p>Annie, this sounds so familiar, like my difficult child 28 year old son. The component of mental illness mania/rage/depression/skewed memory is just another agonizing part of this whole storm that engulfs us. And we have about as much control over it happening as we do over a real storm coming to wreak havoc, like a hurricane Arthur. So do we get proactive and shore up our homes and evacuate if necessary? Or do we risk our lives in an unpredictable natural disaster? At the onset of these things it is impossible to estimate the amount of destruction and damage done to ourselves and other family members.</p><p></p><p>I so understand your hurt. In our minds we say "But he is SICK". It does make it harder to consider our own feelings. It goes against our nature as mothers, but with our mental health system we cannot make our loved ones seek or continue treatment any more than we can tell our neighbor to paint their house a different color. We do have control over how we react to these behavior patterns that have become so preditcable. I'm not saying it's easy, but the longer I sit in this misery, the more I see the need to do something for me (or nothing for the difficult children).</p><p></p><p>Lately I have been taking the evacuation route as I have 2 difficult child sons and a husband that works hard and historically has let me handle family/medical/mental stuff. Coming from the family I did I had a lot more experience and patience. His hard work is coming to an end as retirement nears. My retirement from this agony is nowhere in sight. So, I am actively seeking places to go for solitude and to physically remove myself from first line contact. I fall prey less and less to phone calls and checking whereabouts but increasingly I am trying to distance myself. When I have been tempted to pick up the phone and "fix" or "help" or "solve" or "protect" I have read some of the literature I have picked up from Al-Anon to hold my immediate, knee-jerk reaction at bay. It has worked for me. Maybe a prayer, a funny You Tube video, a walk to the mailbox and back...anything to put time between his demands and your reaction might help.</p><p></p><p>Here is the other piece that is starting to sink in with me. I am almost 57. You say you are 60. I have depression, asthma and given the challenge of my aforementioned family dynamic have totally neglected myself. My aunt and grandmothers died at 65, my mother at 71 and they weren't dealing with this unrelenting stress and punitive behavior coming from their kids. So I do the math. If I have only 8 more years to live, is this how I want to spend them? I have lived through 4 of the most harrowing years in my life AND my 2 difficult children were challenging to raise as children as some of these traits and illnesses start to appear earlier in life. I don't want to spend the rest of my life fretting and wringing my hands and gnashing my teeth. I am immobilized some days by the enormity and weight of the sadness that comes with dreams that will go unrealized, but raging against the storm for the last 4 years has gotten me nothing but wet, tired, crabby, fearful, tearful and sad to the bottom of my soul. Has is made any positive difference with either of my sons? Not one whit. So now I am trying to retrain my focus on my life. When that overwhelms me I focus on my day. Or my morning. Or a hot bath. Or an iced tea. Or petting my dog. Or a deep breath. Try to distance yourself from the "what ifs" ASAP. Try to embrace the "what's possible" for your life. The shift in thinking is anything <em>but</em> a straight line, but at least you are the navigator and eventually you might get to a better place or at minimum one of your choosing. Hugs and hope to you. You deserve better. We all do.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="tishthedish, post: 630014, member: 17103"] Annie, this sounds so familiar, like my difficult child 28 year old son. The component of mental illness mania/rage/depression/skewed memory is just another agonizing part of this whole storm that engulfs us. And we have about as much control over it happening as we do over a real storm coming to wreak havoc, like a hurricane Arthur. So do we get proactive and shore up our homes and evacuate if necessary? Or do we risk our lives in an unpredictable natural disaster? At the onset of these things it is impossible to estimate the amount of destruction and damage done to ourselves and other family members. I so understand your hurt. In our minds we say "But he is SICK". It does make it harder to consider our own feelings. It goes against our nature as mothers, but with our mental health system we cannot make our loved ones seek or continue treatment any more than we can tell our neighbor to paint their house a different color. We do have control over how we react to these behavior patterns that have become so preditcable. I'm not saying it's easy, but the longer I sit in this misery, the more I see the need to do something for me (or nothing for the difficult children). Lately I have been taking the evacuation route as I have 2 difficult child sons and a husband that works hard and historically has let me handle family/medical/mental stuff. Coming from the family I did I had a lot more experience and patience. His hard work is coming to an end as retirement nears. My retirement from this agony is nowhere in sight. So, I am actively seeking places to go for solitude and to physically remove myself from first line contact. I fall prey less and less to phone calls and checking whereabouts but increasingly I am trying to distance myself. When I have been tempted to pick up the phone and "fix" or "help" or "solve" or "protect" I have read some of the literature I have picked up from Al-Anon to hold my immediate, knee-jerk reaction at bay. It has worked for me. Maybe a prayer, a funny You Tube video, a walk to the mailbox and back...anything to put time between his demands and your reaction might help. Here is the other piece that is starting to sink in with me. I am almost 57. You say you are 60. I have depression, asthma and given the challenge of my aforementioned family dynamic have totally neglected myself. My aunt and grandmothers died at 65, my mother at 71 and they weren't dealing with this unrelenting stress and punitive behavior coming from their kids. So I do the math. If I have only 8 more years to live, is this how I want to spend them? I have lived through 4 of the most harrowing years in my life AND my 2 difficult children were challenging to raise as children as some of these traits and illnesses start to appear earlier in life. I don't want to spend the rest of my life fretting and wringing my hands and gnashing my teeth. I am immobilized some days by the enormity and weight of the sadness that comes with dreams that will go unrealized, but raging against the storm for the last 4 years has gotten me nothing but wet, tired, crabby, fearful, tearful and sad to the bottom of my soul. Has is made any positive difference with either of my sons? Not one whit. So now I am trying to retrain my focus on my life. When that overwhelms me I focus on my day. Or my morning. Or a hot bath. Or an iced tea. Or petting my dog. Or a deep breath. Try to distance yourself from the "what ifs" ASAP. Try to embrace the "what's possible" for your life. The shift in thinking is anything [I]but[/I] a straight line, but at least you are the navigator and eventually you might get to a better place or at minimum one of your choosing. Hugs and hope to you. You deserve better. We all do. [/QUOTE]
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