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He just does not get it
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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 630024" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>That really muddies the water. I have spent countless hours parsing the "well if he is sick, and he doesn't know, then how can I abandon him?" </p><p></p><p>Well, he does know, but he doesn't want to see and his disease includes denial as a foundational part of it, and he is STILL responsible for his behavior. People are always responsible for their behavior unless they are completely out of their minds and in restraints 24/7. </p><p></p><p>I remember the day a therapist sat me down during a session and said this about my alcoholic, depressed husband---this was about 10 or 12 years ago. "Even if he is mentally ill, he is still responsible for his actions and his words." That was huge for me. HUGE. I thought because he was "sick" I had to make all kinds of allowances for what he did and said because he was SICK. Right? </p><p></p><p>Wrong. He could be angry, and abusive and irritable and unreasonable and impatient and really very unpleasant to live with, sleeping all of the time, not getting help for any of it, plus binge drinking, and I was just supposed to dance as fast as I could to make him happy? That is what I did for years. I was a faaaaassssst dancer. But it didn't make him any happier. And it didn't change one single thing except make me miserable. I was wrong. And once I knew better, I started to do better and to change my whole outlook and approach to dealing with him. </p><p></p><p>And now my son. Al-Anon has taught me so much about taking care of me and about letting go.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Absolutely. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Until he decides to change, he won't change. Nothing you can do or say or will do or say will matter one iota, Annie. Nothing. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>It is the hardest thing in the world to do and you can't do it by yourself. You will not be able to. Like RE said below, assemble your toolbox. Write down your tools and start to use them every single day. Schedule time into your day for your own recovery. It needs to be at the top of your list in terms of priority. Start with going to an Al-Anon meeting every day for 10 days. Every day. You will be feeling so much better at the end of that 10 days, just by that one single change in your life. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Buy at least one of the Al-Anon devotional books so you have something at home to read when your mind is racing. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Your son is not the precious three year old he once was. Neither is mine. Both of our sons are men. Like some say here on this site, men much younger than they are have fought and died for our country. They stepped up and were responsible to something greater than themselves. That is what our sons have to do, and until they decide to do it, nothing will be different.</p><p></p><p>Spend THIS time and your energy and these days, on yourself. It's way past time for that. Way past time. If you work hard, you can be free. The love will still be there but your life on a daily basis will be much better, more filled with peace, happiness, contentment, joy and serenity. </p><p></p><p>It is there to be had, with hard work, turning it all over to a Higher Power of your choice (a million times) and lots of support. </p><p></p><p>Warm hugs, Annie!</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 630024, member: 17542"] That really muddies the water. I have spent countless hours parsing the "well if he is sick, and he doesn't know, then how can I abandon him?" Well, he does know, but he doesn't want to see and his disease includes denial as a foundational part of it, and he is STILL responsible for his behavior. People are always responsible for their behavior unless they are completely out of their minds and in restraints 24/7. I remember the day a therapist sat me down during a session and said this about my alcoholic, depressed husband---this was about 10 or 12 years ago. "Even if he is mentally ill, he is still responsible for his actions and his words." That was huge for me. HUGE. I thought because he was "sick" I had to make all kinds of allowances for what he did and said because he was SICK. Right? Wrong. He could be angry, and abusive and irritable and unreasonable and impatient and really very unpleasant to live with, sleeping all of the time, not getting help for any of it, plus binge drinking, and I was just supposed to dance as fast as I could to make him happy? That is what I did for years. I was a faaaaassssst dancer. But it didn't make him any happier. And it didn't change one single thing except make me miserable. I was wrong. And once I knew better, I started to do better and to change my whole outlook and approach to dealing with him. And now my son. Al-Anon has taught me so much about taking care of me and about letting go. Absolutely. Until he decides to change, he won't change. Nothing you can do or say or will do or say will matter one iota, Annie. Nothing. It is the hardest thing in the world to do and you can't do it by yourself. You will not be able to. Like RE said below, assemble your toolbox. Write down your tools and start to use them every single day. Schedule time into your day for your own recovery. It needs to be at the top of your list in terms of priority. Start with going to an Al-Anon meeting every day for 10 days. Every day. You will be feeling so much better at the end of that 10 days, just by that one single change in your life. Buy at least one of the Al-Anon devotional books so you have something at home to read when your mind is racing. Your son is not the precious three year old he once was. Neither is mine. Both of our sons are men. Like some say here on this site, men much younger than they are have fought and died for our country. They stepped up and were responsible to something greater than themselves. That is what our sons have to do, and until they decide to do it, nothing will be different. Spend THIS time and your energy and these days, on yourself. It's way past time for that. Way past time. If you work hard, you can be free. The love will still be there but your life on a daily basis will be much better, more filled with peace, happiness, contentment, joy and serenity. It is there to be had, with hard work, turning it all over to a Higher Power of your choice (a million times) and lots of support. Warm hugs, Annie! [/QUOTE]
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