He Keeps Trying to Twist That Knife

[susiestar]

that he wants to stick in my back.

My mom has a booth at a communal garage sale at the Fairgrounds today. Not a lot of stuff, or a lot of vendors but she is enjoying it.

We just went to see her, visit, look around before husband has a meeting for his Census job.

Wiz arrived as we did to spell her for an hour or so.

At first it was nice. Short visit with her, she made us take some things that we can really use - pasta bowls and some reusable plastic plates. After we had walked around we went back to talk to Wiz for a few minutes.

He said something about his instructor's moral lessons when I asked about school. I mentioned he could trust the family for moral lessons.

The little jerk said No, he couldn't because the people who know you best are the first to stick the knife in and twist it.

He looked right at me and it was very clear that he meant me primarily and husband secondarily.

I was stunned. NOTHING in our relationship in the last few years says that this is warranted. We have NEVER stuck a knife in his back, or his front. The last few years we have worked at healing our relationship whenever he will do things with us.

I didn't show him that I was upset. We had already started to say goodbye, so I hugged him and we left.

It does hurt though.

Every single step that we took was because it was needed - NOTHING was EVER done spitefully, not even making him leave. He was so dangerous and we had no other way to handle things. We tried everything else.

But it will probably always be something he uses as an excuse for whatever he can use it for. Even just stirring the waters to see what happens.

At least I didn't let him see that he hurt me, made me want to cry.

Why do I keep trying so dang hard with this kid? It NEVER has a good outcome. If he is around me with-o my parents being in the room or the next room he says stuff like this. It is a nasty habit/pattern. Even though I work very hard to keep it from showing, it HURTS.

How long do I have to ignore these comments before he stops thinking it is entertaining to try to upset me? I really think it is largely for his entertainment that he says things like this.

 

[DazedandConfused]

For certain I would have most definitely NOT ignored it. What a nasty thing to say...but on par for a difficult child.

"Oh really, now? Me thinks you ought to turn that mirror on YOURSELF, pal; You may find yourself standing in a glass house. "

(if he doesn't get what that means, tell him to Google it.)

He does it because he knows it hurts you and he knows you won't respond. I think you should respond (and like Indiana Jone's whip, too). He's 18 and enough is enough. Son has made some nasty comments such as that and I've let him know in no uncertain terms he's out on his butt if he dares to speak to me like that when he's 18 and I won't spend as much as one second around him if decides to act that way when he does move out. For the most part he mumbles under his breath to avoid my wrath. Honestly, I don't care about what I can't hear.

Daughter doesn't dare talk to me like that since turning 18.

 

[Shari]

difficult child 1 wasn't quite that brash, but he was happy to tell everyone how stupid they were.

We started agreeing and apologizing that we were born so danged stupid, and we'd play it up, use harsh words, and be very critical of ourselves (and we said it like we meant it). It didn't take long before he was stumbling over himself to rephrase what he said, especially to my mom. Don't know if it would work for Wiz or not, but did for us.

 

[helpme]

These kids are just "out there". I think they "conclude" differently than
most people. I think we spend a lot of time trying to figure out why they
say or do such things. They just formulate differently, justifying, and
excusing. Don't blame yourself.

The little jerk said No, he couldn't because the people who know you best
are the first to stick the knife in and twist it.

I like Shari's idea of changing that around. She advised better than
my reply, after smiling sweetly at him, which would have been,
"Oh yea, I know that firsthand. It never feels good does it?"

I agree with D&C, act differently than you normally do and see if
that makes an impact.

 

[KTMom91]

I often wonder what planet our kids inhabit. Miss KT's been out there lately as well. Many hugs. I know, it hurts, and I understand you not wanting to let it show.

 

[susiestar]

Thanks all.

 

[Marguerite]

"Insanity is doing the same thing and expecting a different result."

So maybe there's something in these suggestions, Shari.

Hugs. Poor darling. It does hurt, but it mustn't get to you or he wins. Again.

He won't be able to keep doing this to other people as a way of coping through life - others will turn round and verbally knife him, hard. He will learn.

Marg

 

[Wiped Out]

((((hugs))))

 

[susiestar]

Marg, that is exactly why I don't let him see me react. ANY reaction feeds that sense of winning in him.

He can seem to be doing so very well, spend quite a few visits with me/us without saying stuff like that. I have to remember that just as soon as I start to have a more normal conversation with him - WHAM! he comes out with this. I made the mistake of commenting on something he said, the way you do in a normal conversation. Must remember to not do this.

I just hate the ugly reminders like this.

 

[ML]

The little jerk. Our kids can be so ugly, so good at creating their own version of reality so that they are always the victim. I think you did good to ignore it. Sus, you know you did the best you could, the only thing you could and that it was the *right* thing. It wasn't your fault. Hopefully in time he will mature enough to take responsibility and start to seek forgiveness instead of placing blame. You're a great mom. You do not deserve that. We have to keep that teflon coat on at all times!