He left our home

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by christianmom, Jan 17, 2015.

  1. christianmom

    christianmom Member

    We kicked our son out in May for stealing from us. He came back in September and said he wouldn't anymore, acted like he was getting off drugs. After not too much time had passed, we assumed he just wanted a place to not have to pay rent, was gone a lot, not working, friends giving him marijuana. My husband told him a time frame he had to get a job and be home at midnight. His truck is undriveable now as of the other night. He still has no job. His friend picked him up last night and he said he is moving out. That we were going to kick him out anyway. I think he said this just so he could say he was the one making the decision, either to himself, us, or his friends or all of the above. I said you're the one making the decision, you don't help yourself, and you don't want to obey the rules of our home. I feel really bad for my husband because he considered our son his best friend for so long. He is an only child. I am thankful to be a Christian and also to have a strong marriage and that my husband and I are on the same page about this. He took nothing with him that I saw, so he will be back at some point to get some clothes, etc. He said something about applying for jobs. Well, I guess he realizes - duh - he needs to work if he lives with his friends. Why should he expect any less from us? I guess I'm just giving an update here. I'm thankful for this group.
  2. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    Hang in there.... it is tough I know. We kicked my son out when he was 18 - the advice my therapist gave me at the time is to do what I can to stay in touch with him. Not to invite him back but just to check in, and let him know I love him etc. That turned out to be really good advice because I did that..... and at least it let him know we were still there for him.... and so when e got in trouble he called us. We have been through a roller coaster ride since then, with jail, rehabs and all sorts of stuff.... but we still have a relationship and it seems like he is doing better at the moment.

    So hang in there, but stay in touch with him if you can.

  3. christianmom

    christianmom Member

    Every aspect of his life has been ruined, lost a full ride scholarship, lost his home twice in six months, problems with his girlfriend, truck impounded about two years ago (we got it out) and now not working, fired from his job, yet marijuana is harmless.
  4. christianmom

    christianmom Member

    (or instead of "ruined", maybe I should say "affected"?)
  5. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Oh I hear you cm, everytime I hear that about pot I want to scream. My daughter lost jobs, her friends, her education and her home over pot. I am sorry for your hurting heart, it is hard no doubt about it. We hate their choices but love them and want them to stop their negative behavior. I walked around with a heavy heart for a long time when my daughter left. Your son is young, about the age my daughter was when she left. It can get better. My daughter now realizes the choices she made back then have left some lifelong scars. But she is doing better. Keep the faith.
  6. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry to hear this CM. As you might guess if you read any of my posts, we are dealing with much the same. He wouldn't work, stole from us, until we finally kicked him out. Sadly, it was just as things were getting better we discovered the final theft. No one should say pot is harmless...at least no more harmless than alcohol, which everyone knows can and does destroy lives.

    Be strong. You are not alone in this.
  7. Jabberwockey

    Jabberwockey Well-Known Member

    Word of advice on this? Make him schedule a time to come by with a time limit and inform him that he needs to get everything he wants to take. We've been through this with ours and he will use still having stuff here as an excuse to come back as often as possible. Granted, I don't know what your total situation is but every time ours came back it was only to grab a few things to pawn for cash and to try and guilt trip us.
  8. christianmom

    christianmom Member

    I found out he did take a few toiletries but he will definitely need to be back at some point for clothes. Unless he wears his friends' clothes. He refuses to even admit marijuana is addictive but I did get him to read John's Story on weedhurts.org last night. This was before I knew he was going to leave. I told him I wouldn't talk to him anymore about it (because really he can't see his faults yet). Thank you everyone.
  9. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    It is very possible he is doing more than weed. Legal weed is popular and far more dangerous than weed and also I thought my daughter was only smoking pot too. Not so.

    I am sad that you are going through this. Hopefully he will decide to stop and get his life back on track.
  10. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    CM-I had a very similar situation with my own difficult child son when he was 19. Though the volatility from that time has dissipated and our relationship is a lot more loving, I can't say that our situation has changed measurably. He is still in and out of our house and not moving forward in his own life - and not in school or working at this point. I wish I could give you more encouragement that it will all be ok.

    What I can tell you - is that while my difficult child has not changed too much - I have! I have let go of the notion that I have any ability to fix this situation. I have stopped letting my difficult child's bad choices make me feel like a failure as a parent.I have stopped letting his situation overshadow everything in my life. It's been a long journey - and yes my eyes teared up reading your post because it hits way too close to home - and I am even teary as I write this - but my sadness comes in moments and does not dominate me the way it once did. I can remember momentarily "forgetting" that difficult child was a mess and actually enjoying myself for a brief moment only to then feel guilty because I had forgotten about the tragedy of my difficult child.

    It sounds crazy; but you need to take the respite when it comes. if he isn't in your house, take a deep breath and try not to let the "what ifs" and the "how will/should I" take over the peace you have available to you right now. I know it sounds absurd - I remember feeling like I would have no peace so long as my kid was not thriving - and honestly, I wasted too much of my life feeling that way. So please take a deep breath when you can and stay busy if it helps.

    My difficult child will be 23 in a couple of months. I first posted on this board 3-1/2 years ago when he was 19. I thought it would resolve one way or the other and I thought I couldn't possibly live with myself so long as difficult child was making bad choices and throwing his youth and opportunities away. Guess what? Once I stopped letting it consume me; I started getting used to it. I know that sounds horrible, I learned "it is what it is." We've tried everything we can think of to get him back on track and he is still STUCK - no further ahead than he was at 19, hasn't learned a darn thing from his mistakes and the door has closed on his college years. He has nothing to show for the past 4 years of his life.As a mom, I had tried so hard to preserve all of his options and I finally realized that I was working harder and caring more about his future than he was. It's dawning on me that he is the one who will ultimately have to deal with the fruits of his decisions.

    Part of it is that after a couple of years, you can get used to just about anything. Another big part is that he is 22 and at a more natural age for him to be in charge of his life so nodding and smiling comes a little more naturally.

    Please take good care of yourself and don't let your son's behavior take over your life and consume you. We are here to listen and understand. It won't always feel so awful.
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  11. Hope_Floats

    Hope_Floats Member

    Just a thought, but you could consider packing up all his stuff for him, put it in trash bags and leave it for him to pick up.

    That would keep him from continually coming back for things. AND.... give you an opportunity to find other things that would give you more information about what was really going on, if you know what I mean.

    Not that anything you found would change anything, but often it is helpful for us to have our eyes opened to what was truly going on right under our own noses, in our own homes. It strengthens us.
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  12. 2much2recover

    2much2recover Well-Known Member

    A "winner sticker" wasn't enough. What was posted here was so enlightened it deserves a big ole, BRAVO!
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  13. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I did bag some of my difficult child's things up and leave them outside for her to pick up. One of the things she asked for was her xbox.....nope that did not make the garbage bag luggage pile.
  14. 2much2recover

    2much2recover Well-Known Member

    Glad to hear it - it probably would have just been pawned anyway! Way To Go MOM!
  15. christianmom

    christianmom Member

    Signorina, I agree. I think I have arrived at that spot now. He doesn't want to help himself, so why should he expect us to? It is actually a very freeing thing. My husband and I are both glad he is gone (though sad that it has to be this way), because our home is much more peaceful. Even though our son is a non confrontational person, there were too many problems with him living here. Thank you everyone else, also.
  16. 2much2recover

    2much2recover Well-Known Member

    Just remember to change his address so your address is not his "legal home"
  17. Childofmine

    Childofmine trying to do this thing one day at a time Staff Member

    A word of hope: Once you are "done", a way clears, and there is new space, and a chance for light...and he can do something new with all of that---or he can fill it all up with more "bad stuff."

    I believe that we have to completely stop before they have a chance at all.

    As long as we are going to "do it for them," why should they do anything at all?

    It's a sick cycle. We have to stop the cycle. They never will.

    Warm hugs. You are on the road. Keep moving forward.
  18. christianmom

    christianmom Member

    Well, apparently he did take clothes. My husband said he had a duffle bag. I didn't see it. So, he actually may not be back for a while.