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He left. What's next for me?
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<blockquote data-quote="Feeling Sad" data-source="post: 663814" data-attributes="member: 19245"><p>Wow, Copa, and RE, very well-written! This is some meaty stuff.</p><p></p><p>I have always had a very difficult time thinking about myself. As a child, I took care of things. I was the 'good' girl, because my parents had my schizophrenic sister, a sister who had low grades and partied, and my brother who was born with a bad heart and had asthma. I was well-behaved, for the most part, and received good grades. I was the one, always, that my family looked to to help out or fix things. I had the answers.</p><p></p><p>I worked always helping others. In 7th grade, I tutored reading at an elementary school, worked as a candy- striper, or volunteer, in a hospital, and helped to put on shows in convalescence hospitals.</p><p></p><p>In college, I worked on the helpline at college. My first call was from a mother out of state telling me that her son had taken pills, and I called back-up and his life was saved. Later on, I worked in contact with protective services for child abuse and neglect cases and saved 3 children's lives. I was a psychology major, and then special education.</p><p></p><p>I am listing all of this because I have ALWAYS helped others. I don't even realize who I am, but rather always, how I am deficient or lacking. Or how I could have done something better to help someone else! </p><p></p><p>I remember as a kid, taking the sad, forgotten stuffed animal on its side in the back when I won a prize at the carnival. I felt sorry for it and wanted to save it.</p><p></p><p>It is very true, that our culture teaches and encourages women, to be self-less. We are to care for others. Not think of ourselves, but rather, think of how we can help others. To be thinking of just ourselves, especially as a woman, is looked upon as being very selfish.</p><p></p><p>I feel that women, as a whole, feel more guilty. I wrestle with guilt every day. I worry about how I am perceived by others. I am always polite and rarely, if ever, say no to a favor.</p><p></p><p>Then...motherhood. I love being a mother. But, I have to admit, when I was playing with my Barbie growing up, it was never even close to what my life is now! I had to borrow my friend's Ken. My Barbie only had a long strapless number in black and lingerie. ..you would think that she would have had more dates!!!</p><p></p><p>But I digress. I went to dance and modeling lessons in my teens. Why, you ask? So that I would learn proper deportment...to attract a perfect husband. Being divorced twice, I do not think these courses were 'effective'! </p><p></p><p>My mother taught me that woman just go to college to meet well-educated men with good prospects. Nevermind, thinking about your own education or career.</p><p></p><p>Then you have kids... She told me to always put fresh lipstick on before your husband got home. The house was to be clean and I should keep the kids quiet. Where were the things about me or for me?</p><p></p><p>If something was or is wrong with one of my 3 sons...I feel guilty. Did I do something wrong...not enough or too much, to have caused this problem? </p><p></p><p>Today, with my schizophrenic son, who I had to file a restraining order against because of fear of my youngest son or myself being hurt...I feel guily. Right now, I have to force myself to add...or myself. I do not register 'myself'. What keeps me resolved that I did the only thing that I could do in this situation is that I am keeping my youngest son from harm. If it was just me, I would probably still be trying with him living here. Trying and trying and trying. If I had been hurt, that would be my fault, too!!!</p><p></p><p>Then, trying for nine years for him to get treatment. That is My fault, as well. I failed. Never mind that he lacks insight into his illness or that he was very violent and threatened my life when I brought up the topic of seeing a doctor. Still my fault. I kick myself every day that I failed. </p><p></p><p>I am a special education teacher. I have helped hundreds of kids...but I "failed" my own.</p><p></p><p>If you ask me if I am a kind person, I would say yes...but inside I would be thinking that I could or should be EVEN better!</p><p></p><p>I think that I have zero self-esteem. Or it might be in the negative numbers...</p><p></p><p>If someone asked me to be true North, I would respond,"What direction do you want to go in?"</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Feeling Sad, post: 663814, member: 19245"] Wow, Copa, and RE, very well-written! This is some meaty stuff. I have always had a very difficult time thinking about myself. As a child, I took care of things. I was the 'good' girl, because my parents had my schizophrenic sister, a sister who had low grades and partied, and my brother who was born with a bad heart and had asthma. I was well-behaved, for the most part, and received good grades. I was the one, always, that my family looked to to help out or fix things. I had the answers. I worked always helping others. In 7th grade, I tutored reading at an elementary school, worked as a candy- striper, or volunteer, in a hospital, and helped to put on shows in convalescence hospitals. In college, I worked on the helpline at college. My first call was from a mother out of state telling me that her son had taken pills, and I called back-up and his life was saved. Later on, I worked in contact with protective services for child abuse and neglect cases and saved 3 children's lives. I was a psychology major, and then special education. I am listing all of this because I have ALWAYS helped others. I don't even realize who I am, but rather always, how I am deficient or lacking. Or how I could have done something better to help someone else! I remember as a kid, taking the sad, forgotten stuffed animal on its side in the back when I won a prize at the carnival. I felt sorry for it and wanted to save it. It is very true, that our culture teaches and encourages women, to be self-less. We are to care for others. Not think of ourselves, but rather, think of how we can help others. To be thinking of just ourselves, especially as a woman, is looked upon as being very selfish. I feel that women, as a whole, feel more guilty. I wrestle with guilt every day. I worry about how I am perceived by others. I am always polite and rarely, if ever, say no to a favor. Then...motherhood. I love being a mother. But, I have to admit, when I was playing with my Barbie growing up, it was never even close to what my life is now! I had to borrow my friend's Ken. My Barbie only had a long strapless number in black and lingerie. ..you would think that she would have had more dates!!! But I digress. I went to dance and modeling lessons in my teens. Why, you ask? So that I would learn proper deportment...to attract a perfect husband. Being divorced twice, I do not think these courses were 'effective'! My mother taught me that woman just go to college to meet well-educated men with good prospects. Nevermind, thinking about your own education or career. Then you have kids... She told me to always put fresh lipstick on before your husband got home. The house was to be clean and I should keep the kids quiet. Where were the things about me or for me? If something was or is wrong with one of my 3 sons...I feel guilty. Did I do something wrong...not enough or too much, to have caused this problem? Today, with my schizophrenic son, who I had to file a restraining order against because of fear of my youngest son or myself being hurt...I feel guily. Right now, I have to force myself to add...or myself. I do not register 'myself'. What keeps me resolved that I did the only thing that I could do in this situation is that I am keeping my youngest son from harm. If it was just me, I would probably still be trying with him living here. Trying and trying and trying. If I had been hurt, that would be my fault, too!!! Then, trying for nine years for him to get treatment. That is My fault, as well. I failed. Never mind that he lacks insight into his illness or that he was very violent and threatened my life when I brought up the topic of seeing a doctor. Still my fault. I kick myself every day that I failed. I am a special education teacher. I have helped hundreds of kids...but I "failed" my own. If you ask me if I am a kind person, I would say yes...but inside I would be thinking that I could or should be EVEN better! I think that I have zero self-esteem. Or it might be in the negative numbers... If someone asked me to be true North, I would respond,"What direction do you want to go in?" [/QUOTE]
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