He left!

[everywoman]

"at what point do you finally admit to yourself that God is greater than this and your continued efforts to help are sabotaging HIS plan for your child?"


That is a tough ditch to jump---but on the other side the grass is really greener. Once you truely let go and let God...you accept that you have no control over anyone else's choice. As much as I want to I can't make my son better. I sent a text to pcdaughter last night that said---"Your life will change when you are ready to change your life!" How simple and complex---what a paradox it is.

Let go---Let your spirtual father take control---turn it over. Really turn your son over and allow what will happen to happen.

 

[witzend]

"As a Christian woman, at what point do you finally admit to yourself that God is greater than this and your continued efforts to help are sabotaging HIS plan for your child?"

Very well put, Star and Everywoman

 

[susiestar]

Susan,

Your son being homeless, or being in jail is NOT the saddest thing you can think of. His death and funeral is the saddest thing you can think of.

Please revoke his bail. While the authorities may not actively look for him, it may save the money but up for his bond. You very much may need that money in the future.

Go to NarcAnon, go to AlAnon, take your medications, see your therapist, pull together with your husband, make sure your other children know it is NOT their job to give anything to their bro. It is time to focus on the other children, esp the underage one.

Susie

 

[Suz]

Susiestar took the words right out of my mouth. I echo her sentiments completely so please read her post again.

Suz

 

[standswithcourage]

Thanks all. You dont know how much better all the wisdom made me feel. I really appreciate the time you took to write me. I really needed to hear it today. Ifeel so alone sometimes in my own grief. I have turned my phone off. He called today needing money to get a bus back to greenville - I sent him enough - dumb move I know - but i will not do it again - i promise - to turn my phone off and not know where he is - is hard for me - i know better - but i cant control it - my husband has already called the bondsman - the bondsman wants to talk to my difficult child - they also said if we tell them where he is they will go get him - i cant believe i am doing this - i feel like i am kindergarten teacher by day and CSI by night! it all feels so surreal sometimes - i cant believe i am in this situation again - you guys are great - i am trying to get my therapist - i have called her for 3 days - i will get an appointment - thanks

 

[WhymeMom?]

Saying prayers for your family that you can find the solution to all that has happened. You need some peace in your life.......

 

[BusynMember]

Hi. Yes, do go for help.
Don't give him money anymore.
No matter what he says it's for, he's going to use it for drugs. He's a drug addict and that's what they do. You don't want to contribute to his drug use. Next time he asks for, say, bus fare and you just can't resist, call the bus station and buy him the ticket. Never give him a dime of money. If he calls for money for food, and you can't resist, buy the food. Never ever send him cash. EVER. I think you'll see monetary requests falling off.
Sorry this is hard, I know how it is.

 

[scent of cedar]

I know how that is too, Susan.

Barbara

 

[DammitJanet]

I can tell you how bonds work here and Im pretty sure they are the same everywhere.

Say your bail is set at 1000 bucks. If you dont have or want to put up the whole amount then you call a bail bondsman and they charge you say 15% of the bail amount and you sign paperwork saying you will be responsible for making sure the defendant is in court. If he fails to appear, warrants are issued for failure to appear and the bond is revoked. If the bond is revoked then they will charge you the difference between the amount you paid...and the actual bail amount because now THEY are going to be charged the whole amount.

This is why we got so upset about a month or so ago when they goofed up and revoked Cory. We could have been held accountable for 11K and I was mad.

 

[CrazyinVA]

Just, hugs. I'd like to add that until you can get in withyour therapist, get yourself to an Al-Anon or Nar-Anon meeting. You need to gather the wagons of strength around you, from all corners.

 

[standswithcourage]

I go to Alanon on Mondays - have for about 5 years. I am planning on going to NA meeting. Tonight he is supposed to be coming in on a bus to where we are. My husband and the bondsman are going to talk to him - i am a nervous wreck. I cant even think about it hardly - i am afraid he will have no place to go but home unless they put him in jail - i have prayed and prayed but am still anxious - i want to run away

 

[Big Bad Kitty]

OK, time to put away the nicey nice talk for a second.

First of all, you can't undo what you already did, but next time, do not give him any money. Period, end of story. You gave him money to bring him to where YOU ARE. Seriously, what do you think he is going to ask for? Of course he is going to ask to come home! Major set up.

You said you are afraid that he will have no place to go but home unless they put him in jail.

Fist of all, that statement is incorrect. He CANNOT go home.

HE CANNOT GO HOME.
HE CANNOT GO HOME.

IT IS NOT EVEN AN OPTION. HE. CANNOT. RETURN. TO. YOUR. HOME.

It is YOUR home. It is your HUSBAND'S home. It is your YOUG SON'S home. It is NOT your difficult child's home.

Second of all, if he has nowhere else to go but jail, what is the problem with that? He was given a chance, and he blew it. I know we all care about our kids, in jail or not, in rehab or not, in Residential Treatment Center (RTC) or not, but come on. He was in jail for doing something very wrong. He caught a break, was given an opportunity to make things right. He wasted no time in screwing up again. So why shouldn't he go back to jail? Do you really think that he will change if he is NOT in jail?

I'm sorry if this sounds callous, but enough is enough. Of course I pray for you and your son every day. Occasionally, you need a swift kick in the you know where. If you let this kid come live in your house, then there is nothing more I can say to you.

Stop wringing your hands and do what you KNOW needs to be done. Tell him to go take care of his business.

 

[standswithcourage]

True~~~~ I will not let him come home - actually my husband told me to let him handle it - I am just sitting here - i know he will not let himi come home no matter what - i cant take it - it is just so sad--------- i know - i would almost rather them lock him up - it is more peaceful even if he doesnt get help in there - i dont know what it will take - thanks for being honest - i am not offended - i needed to hear it -

 

[standswithcourage]

This is also a dumb question and i will probably need a swift kick in the you know where after I ask it ----- do you think we just didnt give him the right rehab or mmission or whatever to go to - should we have looked further - i know the ministry man is so disappointed - he said he was - he has been talking to my son for the whole time - i just wonder if it were somewhere else would it have been better ------- go ahead - kick

 

[Big Bad Kitty]

See, that's the hard part. Not knowing what it will take.

This is where faith comes in.

Do you have faith in a higher power? If you do, if you REALLY REALLY do, then let HIM or HER handle it. Don't worry about what it will take or when your son will get it.

When you pray, pray for the knowledge of God's will, and the power to carry it out. It is not up to you. You waste too much energy worrying. Redirect that energy doing something positive.

Whatever happens will happen whether you worry about it or not. Keep yourself busy doing something for you.

And listen to your husband.


Edit - to answer your next question - KICK

Give it up. It is UP TO YOUR SON.

 

[witzend]

This is also a dumb question and i will probably need a swift kick in the you know where after I ask it ----- do you think we just didnt give him the right rehab or mmission or whatever to go to - should we have looked further - i know the ministry man is so disappointed - he said he was - he has been talking to my son for the whole time - i just wonder if it were somewhere else would it have been better ------- go ahead - kick

I think that giving him anything or any rehab was wrong. Not one person here advised you to do that. Everyone told you to leave him in jail. While we understand why you did it, no one thinks it was the right thing to do.

The PO had drug court set up for him months ago. You should have let him go through drug court and deal with the consequences. He played you like a violin.

You are at least as addicted to him and his drama as he is to his drugs. When are you going to stop?

 

[flutterbee]

Susan -

Do you ever get angry?

You have put your heart and soul into helping your child and he refuses to take it. He makes empty promises and he manipulates you to get what he wants. I know I'm not there, but after one night he was saying it wasn't going to work. That's not giving it a chance. That's he wanted to get out of jail. And it worked. Then he turns right around and dumps all this back on you by asking for money, becoming homeless, possibly ending back up in jail. He just keeps creating more and more drama and more and more worry for you. It's incredibly selfish. Yes, he has an addiction. Yes, it's hard to overcome. But, not impossible. And it's not a free pass for bad behavior. You don't get to treat the people you love the way he treats you over and over again and get away with it. Or at least you shouldn't.

If I were you, I'd be very angry that I have worried so much and tried so hard and my child just lied and manipulated yet again. Heck, I'm angry for you. You give him so much already and he just takes and takes and takes and then holds his hand out for more.

You can't save him from himself. Only he can.

As far as it not being the right place? He made up his mind after one night. He doesn't even know if it was the right place. He didn't give it a chance. If he really wanted to change, he would have made it work. At least given it a week or more before deciding it wasn't right. And instead of just leaving would have tried to find an alternative. I firmly believe all he wanted was out of jail.

 

[standswithcourage]

I think you are all right. From now on I will be angrier. I am angry. I just wanted something to work so all this drama and craziness would somehow give way to peace. I cant take it anymore - my husband is handling it - i have handled it for years and obviously not very good. As for the drug court thing - we wouldnt let him come home

 

[witzend]

I just wanted something to work so all this drama and craziness would somehow give way to peace.

You can have peace as soon as you start living your own life. This chaos is what you are choosing for yourself.

 

[flutterbee]

Walking around all the time full of anger isn't good either. But it can be a catalyst to saying, No More. To saying I love my child and because I love my child I will no longer contribute to his self-defeat. And more importantly a catalyst to saying that you value yourself and that you are entitled to be treated with respect and honesty. That you are entitled to peace.

As painful as it is, at this point in your life the only way you're going to find peace is to refuse to take on the problems of your difficult child. Let him own his problems.