He passed away today

[Steely]

My mom called me this morning to tell me that my dad had lost consciousness. By the time I got to their house he was gasping to take in air. Truthfully I have never seen a person die, and I almost ran out of the room when I saw him this way. I totally freaked. Then I bit my lip, and sat down for the bedside vigil. My aunt and uncle and mom and myself all took turns holding his hand. His gasped for more and more air, his extremities turned blue, and finally he took his last breath.

At certain points I thought about pouring my heart out to him, and telling him everything I ever wanted to tell him - but then I felt at peace that I was OK. I needed to just let this be as it is, and not try to scramble for one last piece or shred from my Dad. I just had to let him go.

My mom sobbed, holding tight to him once he died. I stood there, with tears, as it was equally as hard to see my mom so distraught. As I said at first I wanted to run from the room when I first saw that he was dying, but then I did not want to leave the room. I waited by his bed until the funeral home came, and watched as they put him in a body bag, and covered him with a flag because he was a vet.

It was full closure. I am feeling pretty numb at the moment. I guess drained of all emotion now. Thanks cd friends for being part of this journey with me, listening, and caring.

 

[Wiped Out]

Steely,
I'm so very sorry for your loss. (((hugs)))

 

[HaoZi]

*HUGS* honey. We'll still be here for you when the numbness wears off, too. Condolences from Kiddo and I.

 

[AnnieO]

Steely,

You are one of the strongest people I know! It's so difficult to lose someone you love, even (and especially) if there are things unsaid. But you said there was that peace - and you are right. He knows, and he will always be with you.

Try to remember him in better times. In some ways, it is easier for me to remember my Grandpa and Grandma as not so sick.

Lots of gentle hugs, hon. Numb is good, but when it wears off, let yourself cry. And come rant at us.

Love you!

 

[shellyd67]

I am so very sorry for you loss Steely. You have a beautiful way with words my friend....

 

[KTMom91]

I'm so sorry, Steely. Many, many gentle hugs.

 

[Nancy]

I am so very sorry. I have gone through this with my mom and it is very emotional. I hope you will be able to find peace with your relationship with your dad. If it helps write out what you wished you had said to him.

(((((HUGS)))))
Nancy

 

[tiredmommy]

Sending gentle {{{hugs}}} your way.

 

[ctmom05]

I'm sorry for your loss, Steely.

 

[Hound dog]

Many many warm gentle ((((hugs))) Steely.

 

[1905]

I'm so sorry for your loss. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

 

[DammitJanet]

Just hugs. It is hard.

 

[Estherfromjerusalem]

I'm so sorry for your loss, Steely. Sending you hugs.

Love, Esther

 

[KFld]

It sounds like you are at peace with the way you decided to sit by his side and keep your feelings to yourself. You know what you felt in your heart and I'm glad you have closure. The numbness will wear off, but it will be replaced with relief that he is no longer suffering.

Sorry for your loss (((((hugs))))))))

 

[TerryJ2]

Sigh. I am so sorry. But I am so glad you were there. And you must be glad, for sure. No matter what passed between you all those yrs, it was very important that you were there. Closure is so important.

If it makes you feel any better, he was already gone when he was gasping for air. That is the body's response to dying ... it no longer has that mind/body connection and it's just a neurological response. He wasn't suffering. It is awful to watch, though. There are several definitions for different points, but here is one I found:

Definition: Cheyne-Stokes respirations are defined by irregular breathing. Breathing may be fast one moment and quite slow the next and may have periods of apnea, or no breathing at all.
Cheyne-Stokes respirations are often seen near the end of life.

 

[TeDo]

You have my sympathy Steely. Watching someone die is extremely hard to handle. I am so glad you are at peace. As it was said in your other thread, he will know your heart so even without saying a word, he has now heard everything. We're still here when you feel the need to "talk". Some of us have been where you're at and have very strong shoulders.

{{{{(((HUGS)))}}}}

 

[DDD]

I'm so glad that you found a comfort level before the passing. Sending many hugs your way. DDD

 

[Mom2oddson]

Many, many gentle {{{hugs}}}.

 

[cubsgirl]

I'm so very sorry ((hugs))

 

[Running_for_the_shelter]

My deepest sympathy. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Be kind to yourself. Much love ...