He quit his job today...

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Lil, Oct 13, 2014.

  1. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    Nothing earth shattering going on, and I have to say, I'm not terribly surprised by anything but the timing. After all the drama and doctors and God knows how much in medical bills last week, I kinda thought he'd at least try this week. The Chiropractor told my son last Friday much what the nurse practitioner did, scoliosis. Also his pelvis is misaligned. He has an obvious lump on one side of his lower back. They're going to work on that.

    He came home from his trip down south early yesterday. Visited with us a bit, watched the Walking Dead, took a shower and went to bed. But I get up at 6:00 a.m. and he did too and after his breakfast announced he was quitting. He swears he simply can't do the work, can't be on his feet for 8 hours, the pain is too much. It could be true. Or he could just be a wimp. I've had back problems for years and I've missed work because of it but I've worked in pain too...but I have a sedentary job. He won't take medications darnit...swears that Naproxin makes him fuzzy headed. BS. That is NOT a side effect of Naproxin. But whatever. I went back to bed and he went to the job and was home within an hour, (I wasn't sleeping) and he went back to bed. Haven't seen him since. It's 11 as I write this and he's still asleep I guess.

    So...he has had one very large paycheck ($600) which went on gas, hotel and food for his trip, a playstation, some games, and he's again out of work.

    He had a temp agency call him last week about an office job. He turned it down Friday...but maybe if he calls back today they'll have it still.

    Me? I'm going to go work on the remodeling I've been putting off for years, literally, and try to get stuff done on my vacation.
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Yeah. Wow. He probably simply doesn't want to work. It's always the kids though, really, who complain about back and feet and neck and head problems and don't go to work because of it. I went to work every day with my sciatica, I'm 61 and I was not allowed to sit down for five hours and had to bend and stretch and carry things. There's a woman about my age who has carpal tunnel and fibromyalgia who is also always there. Etc, etc. etc. As for Narprarxon, bah. I can't take ANY medicine and all medications like that make me tired, but I have no choice...I take it and go to work a little tired. So what?

    I'm sorry about this. My guess is he was good with the $600 and video games and is now going to take another vacation, like most difficult children. I'm very rare that my difficult children worked, but they had no choice since I had no pity at all about cutting off everything they didn't need if they didn't work. Most moms just don't have the heart to do that. In my case I didn't have the money not to do it so it wasn't even an option.

    Hoping he gets out of "failure to thrive" mode soon and decides he doesn't want you to support him forever. Are you going to cut off his money? To me, that was the best way to get them to work. The only way in the case of difficult child and I can't honestly say he didn't steal from work either, but, if so, he did not get caught.
  3. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    Oh his money was cut off a while back. He can eat our food and use our internet. He can use the car...with this own gas. Of course, yesterday he came home telling us his brakes were leaking fluid and he inched his way home with almost no brakes. So it has to go to the shop tomorrow and we have to pay for that. Then today we started the home improvement we took the week off to do...only to find a water leak in the basement wall that requires us to call a contractor. So much for DIY. I feel like I've begun hemorrhaging money.
  4. GuideMe

    GuideMe Active Member

    I swear, every time. I watch love it or list on HGTV and it never fails when you have to do a remodel, you find something that is broken and needs to be fixed.
  5. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Sorry Lil. The ups and downs of difficult child jobs is a hair raising ride on the roller coaster from hell.

    Hold tight to your boundaries and I hope your remodel smooths out soon.
  6. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    All in all, his quitting his job is the least of my problems at the moment. :rolleyes:
  7. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    And the tantrums start. Why? Because he's spent nearly all of the $600 he was paid Friday, one friend who owes him money has been messing him about on paying it and a friend HE owes money is driving him crazy for his. But of course, it's all about the other kid not paying him and how that was all the problems. Not that he CHOSE to go out of town and drop $90 on a hotel, close to $100 on gas, about $100 on food and a couple hundred on video games and a playstation when he owed this other kid money, still is using my laptop because he doesn't have a computer anymore, and still is using a crappy old cell phone because he broke his. What an a-hole my kid can be.

    I got up at 6 today to see that he went to work. He came back while I was trying to sleep...locked himself away in his room and slept to noon. I haven't been back to sleep. I've spent literally hundreds of dollars on doctor bills with more to come in the last week. As I type this the tow truck has come for his car. Our "remodeling" has turned into a home improvement show nightmare as we uncovered the water leak and I'M SUPPOSED TO BE ON VACATION! :furious:
  8. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    You can do what you want, but there would be no way I'd pay a dime towards his debts to his friends and I'd be fuming that he spent his paycheck on fun and quit. The money train would be over. But that's me.

    difficult children are kind of jerks. That's why they are difficult children. They are also very entitled and feel their parents should support them forever, and most don't like jobs. Any jobs. Unless they can sit down all day and earn a fortune doing nothing...lol. My kids had no choice. They either worked, including difficult child, or he had nothing but cheap clothing and whatever food I felt like buying. In the end, it has turned out well. They all do have good work ethics, even difficult child.

    None of my kids ever slept until noon except on weekends when they were off school or work. It was not allowed. I was too soft on some things, but not work. I was death on work. Whatever else they were, I did not want deadbeat kids. difficult child is even good about paying his child support and has never missed it. If our difficult children marry, chances are they will have kids and get divorced...and if they don't pay, they face the shame of going to jail for non-payment. They have to be responsible in SOME way. 36 would live off of anyone who would support him if he could, but he wants his bills paid and his credit score to be good. Obviously he wishes his father would do all that, but he won't so it falls upon difficult child to do it and he does.

    I can't urge people enough that, even if they have the means to support their grown kids, don't do it. They will never grow up in any way or be able to support themselves if the money rolls in from Dad and Mom. Non-difficult children want to make it on their own. difficult children want to be daddy and mommy's leeches forever. If we don't force the issue by withholding anything fun from them, they resist all the more. To me that includes use of the car unless they pay insurance (their part of it) and gas, cell phone, anything that isn't essential. It's easier to get them to work at age 18 than at age 38 if they have not been doing anything but taking our gifts.

    JMO. And experience.
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    Last edited: Oct 13, 2014
  9. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    No. No...That's me too. I assure you, the money train left the station months ago. He's lucky to still have a place to live. In fact, I've taken to telling everyone I know who has kids not to give them a darn thing unless they get jobs at 16.
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  10. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    I'm not surprised. I'm waiting for mine to do the same thing.

    On the other hand I wouldn't pay for the car repairs. I would let it sit until he paid for them. I know that makes it difficult to get a job but hey he had a job and could have paid for it himself and he chose to quit.

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  11. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    No - the money train left the station months ago. He's lucky to have a place to live. He just got in and apologized for his behavior. Again. He always apologizes. He was ticked off before he left because I didn't respond appropriately to his last apology.

    I told him, "I understand you are upset. I'm sorry if I didn't react to your apology the way you thought I could. But the simple fact is, NOTHING today has gone right for me. I'm tired and in a mood too. I know you are upset about stuff, but I'm beyond tired of you throwing a tantrum and slamming things and acting like a two year old. I've had a craptastic day and you don't see me acting that way. So let's please call it a day and try again tomorrow." We'll see.

    It's actually our car. He just gets to drive it if he puts his own gas in it. We use it on occasion too.
  12. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Oh, they can work without a car. They may have to ride a bike or walk, like my daughter did, but it can be done. And there was no public transportation where she lived after she was kicked out and had to live with her anal brother who was not interested in driving her anywhere. She walked back and forth, regardless of the weather. It helped her build character...the character she has today. She knew she'd be on the street with nothing if she didn't work...her brother demanded rent and that she work consistently and she was not allowed to quit.

    I don't think our difficult children need cars to find jobs. It's not like they are going to get high quality jobs anyway. Fast food joints are everywhere.

    Walking and bike riding are great exercise. They do it all over Europe. My kids had to have jobs at sixteen to cover anything beyond the barest of essentials and they had to pay for their part of car insurance and their gas or they walked or hitched a ride with a friend. They always got to work. That was never a problem. And nobody has a lazier heart than 36. But he is also greedy and likes "things." If he had to work or have nothing, well, then he'd work. And he always has. He actually has a very good job that pays a college graduate salary, although he has never gone to college.

    I let them get away with plenty...stealing, trash talking me, filthy bedrooms...at least for a while, when I was a doormat. But I never ever allowed them not to have a job. That was the quality of their lives right there...if they didn't work, they couldn't do anything because they had no money at all. Allowance cut off completely at age 16. I'm glad I did THAT, even if I made other mistakes (and I made plenty of them).
  13. Childofmine

    Childofmine trying to do this thing one day at a time Staff Member

    Lil, I'm sorry. Especially since you have to be around there all day long watching this drama...on your vacation!!!

    Short-term view----Can you take a day and just drive in the car somewhere, anywhere, and browse the shops or walk in a park or beside a river, and have a nice lunch? By yourself, with husband or with a friend? Take a mini-vacation...from your vacation? Find an oasis of peace in this week. Also, if you can, try to create some space in the house with you and him, just smile and say little things like, that sounds good, have a good day, hon, and love you. Don't engage with his drama. Walk out of the room in order not to. Try not to throw a lot of words at him. Lil, he knows. You've told him. I've told my difficult child. We have told them how to live and we have taught them how to live. Right now, they can't/won't/don't do it. Okay, let that be. Let the natural consequences flow from their own decisions, good and bad.

    Long term view-----Remember, difficult child is 19. He still has a long way to go, to adulthood. He will get there the hard way, evidently, instead of the easier way. It's going to be hard, hard for him, hard for you and husband. Watching somebody else stumble and stumble and stumble is very hard.

    The good news: He did get a job. He did, Lil. And he went for a while. He had to do what other people told him to do, and when, and how. He earned some money of his very own. He made a decision to go away for the weekend, even when his parents disagreed. These are adult-type decisions. I know it isn't/wasn't pretty, but it's not going to be pretty, the growing up process with some of our kids.

    What to do in the meantime, as all of this unfolds? Work on you. Work on gaining peace, serenity, contentment, joy, acceptance of all things around you, in your entire life (not just difficult child). That work redirects the energy, over time, that you spend on difficult child and what he will or won't do. And as your energy is redirected away from him---this is very good for him---he has to figure things out more and more...he has to take the natural consequences of his choices.....ah...the path to adulthood.

    The more you can stand back, stand down and wait and watch, letting things take their natural course, without interference from you, the better off he will be, and the better off you will be.

    I know (believe me, please) how very difficult this is and can be. It is down-deep hard. It is visceral, to watch someone be stupid over and over and over and to stand back.

    Right now, Lil, difficult child has been working at his job for going on 10 weeks. He now has 40 hours a week. He is 25 and this is the first job he has had in 16 months. They like him there. He thinks the people are cool. They have talked to him about the management training program. Also, he is still homeless. I have no idea how this is working out, Lil, because I do not ask. How does he shower? Clean clothes? Getting to work at 1 a.m. (he has no car and no buses run at that time). Where does he sleep?

    It could end tomorrow. But there is something going on that he is proud of here, even while he is ashamed that it is McDonald's. There are so many questions, but I do not ask them, Lil. If I don't have all of the details, I can't obsess about how in the world this is ever going to work. I know it's different for you, with him living right there in your house.

    Our adult children must make their own way. That is the core truth I have learned, and am still learning, as I walk this hard road. It is not going to look like what i would do in any way, shape or form.

    People do what they want to do. That is another core truth.

    Hang in there. Set your boundaries and work hard to maintain them. Change them if you need to. Please find some nice things for you this week, during your vacation. We are here for you. This is very hard stuff, but this too shall pass.