He relapsed....told me tonight!

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by DDD, Sep 9, 2011.

  1. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    As you all know this has been a painful week for me. Tonight (well acutally around 2AM) he called me and the phone was plugged in by mistake. I actually wasn't worried about tonight because he was going to the gym for the first time...I paid for it three weeks ago when at my suggestion he agreed that focusing on his health might help him take steps forward. How ironic. Bottom line on tonight he ran into yet anothr old friend and had "a couple of drinks". He does not drive after drinking so his friend drove the truck and the cops pulled it over for erratic driving and took the friend to jail. They told difficult child#1 "get someone to pick you up"...and he called. I called AAA and while we waited on the side of the road he started talking and talking. He's back on pills and that is why he took the jewelry. He's "hooked" on the pills.

    I gave him the ultimatum. Go to rehab or leave our home. As of tonight he plans to move in with GFGmom. I replied "if you make the choice to move out I believe you will be in prison soon". He said "I know". With the combo of addiction and brain damage his future is beyond dim. The experts all say that the addict has to "hit bottom". I'm sure it's impossible for you all to understand but with his combined problems I don't think he can identify with reality what "bottom" means. He is friends with half the population (at least a third of them addicted to booze or something) and that is unusually important to him.

    I'm hanging on to a thread of hope but I believe the worst is yet to come. Having my six foot "baby" crying in the car as he made his admission, apologized for his choices, expressing his deep love for me and husband...well, it's 6 am and my stomach is churning and my heart aches. Guess I'll be posting updates. It's been such a long battle and I think addiction has won. DDD
  2. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Oh DDD you know how sad I am to read this. My stomach is churning along with yours. This addiction disease is awful awful awful. The story isn't over for either of us. Our difficult child's recognize their problem even if they can't seem to conquer it yet. They are beyond the denial stage. I believe as long as they admit their addiction there is hope.

    I'm so hoping he decides to fight for his life half as hard as you have for his.

  3. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    Oh I am so sorry to hear this..... but hold on to the hope that he told you about it and is admitting there is a problem, even if he is not quite ready to deal with it yet... The first step is admitting there is a problem.

    Hugs to you.

  4. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I have a very thin thread of hope but truthfully he presents as "macho" but in fact he is weak. He stifles and drowns his problems and parties like there is no tomorrow. Mind you, I don't mean "weak" because he has addictions...I mean "weak" in facing life...and the frontal lobe damage has multiple side effects including "lack of ability to follow through".

    He's hopeful that he will be able to retreive my jewelry today. Fingers crossed on that. Thanks, guys for being so understanding. DDD
  5. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    ((hugs)) DDD

    Will keep my fingers crossed about the jewelry.

    Will continue to keep difficult child in my prayers. If he can realize drugs and booze are a problem for him, then someday (hopefully very soon) he can realize a "bottom" and go seek help.
  6. keista

    keista New Member

    So sorry. I'll keep you both in my prayers and keep sending positive thoughts your way.
  7. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    DDD, I have such a fear for your grandson. He isnt just a problem. He has the Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI) issues on top that are keeping him from being able to stop the impulses. I dont think he can. Is he still taking his medication that he was prescribed years ago? Can he tell you what made him go back to the pills? Which pills?

    I so want to make this better for both of you. I wonder if he would see someone to get help. Problem is he is going to have to be taken out of his area of comfort for anything to work and he isnt going to like that. I almost think it would be best to make him leave your area...not just move to his mothers but go to maybe his father???? Would that be possible?
  8. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    Oh ddd I just read this and feel sick.I agree with janet, what else can be done? especially given his physical impairments. God, I do know what it is like to have your 6 ft boy sob and cry....it brings tears to my eyes just typing this.

    You and difficult child are in my prayers!!!!! Hugs.
  9. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    It's amazing how comforting it is to know that others "feel your pain"...kinda sick, probably. There really is no family member to reach out to. His Father was a major internalized (yes, still to date) factor in changing his life for the worst. in my humble opinion the three things that combined to change him from a easy child were (1) GFGmom for lots of reasons but specifically by bringing home the former prisoner to live in her house. He was into alcohol and likely drugs and booze (at least) were available to difficult child#1. He lived on the "edge" of morality. (2) The end of his stellar baseball status when his difficult child coach blackballed him from the All Star Team at thirteen. He had been with that group and at the park six blocks from our house from the age of 5. Obviously he lost not only the time consuming activity and commraderis but his easy child friends. (3) His bioDad came into his life at the age of ten +or- and avowed his love. He and his wife took him to church on Sunday and the "family" went out to breakfast afterwards. difficult child#1 was allowed by the Church to have an individualized fast track to make his Communion. He astounded the Nun because he absorbed and aced all the info. BioDad and family had a celebration brunch because they were so proud of him. Then a week or two passed with no contact....they left the community, relocated and never reached out again. His Biodad called GFGmom with a request to visit him when word spread about his brain surgery. I said "not now". Once difficult child#1 was home from the second hospital (the Rehab hospital in Jacksonville) his bioDad spoke with him on the phone. He explained that "they" had run into urgent financial crises etc. and that was why they left, told him that he loved him, told him where he lived (two hours away, by the way) and said "I hope you are well soon and maybe you can come meet me for lunch when you are better". That was it!

    As you know I have a major easy child daughter in Georgia. She and her husband do love difficult child#1 but her husband is a recovering alcoholic. They are not prepared to face addiction in their household. He is always welcome to visit (and did stay three nights at their house a few months ago when we sent him on a roadtrip to a Brake School in the Carolinas) and they enjoyed him as always. He can "keep it together for days at a time when needed". I share most with her but I don't think I'm going to share these latest problems. It will just cause her to worry more about me. Thankfully I have the Board family to vent to, lol. So...that's where we are.

    I have no funds for rehab but have reached out to a couple of places looking for grants or whatever. Believe it or not there is one man in our County that does counseling plus a weekly group (faith based addiction specialist) who difficult child#1 believes is a good man who truly understands. There is a remote chance that he might connect and open up to this guy. If I can't find an affordable choice I "may" offer that as an alternative to leaving home. He is attached to us and with his multiple problems I know that his future is at stake. Were he to move in with GFGmom within a week he'd be hanging full time with "street" friends. Sad situation for all of us. Thanks again everyone. DDD
  10. donna723

    donna723 Well-Known Member

    "(1) GFGmom for lots of reasons but specifically by bringing home the former prisoner to live in her house."

    There may have been more going on about her job than you know! This is absolutely the biggest "no-no" there is when you work in a correctional facility and it's pretty much universal for obvious reasons! And if he came to live with her when he was released, she had to have had some kind of relationship going with him while he was still incarcerated. This is a HUGE security risk. Had someone working in our system done this, they would have been fired so fast, their head would be spinning! You are not ever allowed to have any kind of a personal relationship with current or former inmates or even with their family members. That is RULE #1 and the first thing they teach you when you begin training!
  11. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Yes, Donna, I know...and she knew. She was working at a privatized prison, didn't get caught and then went back to the State system. As I always say, she is a piece of work. BUT the impact it had on both boys was heartbreaking...and then, she managed to have his baby. DDD
  12. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    DDD -- I am going to post from the heart so forgive me if I don't make any sense LOL. I have read your posts and the posts of many others on here - trying to get to know you all and trying to find some sort of path to follow with my own difficult child. Like you all are tour guides...

    Since my B left, I have been racking my brain trying to find a way to fix him and thus fix us. When I am not looking for the fix, I am go back over nearly every moment of parenting him to try to figure out where I screwed up.

    What I am learning from you all, is that that's part of the "tour"

    Enough about me - what I want to say to you (and many others here) is that I've read your posts. I am awed by how wise you are. I feel your moments of anger and frustration, but it is always overwhelmed by the amazing compassion you have for your grandson. Even after everything you have been through, you still put him first. I guess I want you to know that I think you are a wonderful parent - beyond wonderful. And he is very blessed to have you in his life.

  13. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    What a kind post, Signorina. Thank you.

    It's a "tour" "journey" "challenge" etc. etc. There is alot of wisdom to be found within the CD family and I benefit from reading those posts too. Sadly there is no "one answer" for all of us. It takes time to sort through the choices and find the path that seems best. I've sorted and resorted, lol. I'm sure you'll find your way. Hugs. DDD
  14. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    DDD....Im gonna say something to you that I have only said to two other people..If you need me, send him. Im not afraid of him. In fact, he would probably get along well with Cory. Cory doesnt drink much at all. Maybe the Super Bowl and NYE. We live so far out in the country he would have a lot of trouble getting in trouble. Its the only thing I can think of to help.
  15. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    What a caring offer Janet. You're right not to fear him...I'm positive you would find him a delight. on the other hand I'm also positive he would find some unsavory company that you don't need, lol. I'll store your offer in the back of my mind and it is lovely to know that there is a family member welcoming him. Hugs. DDD
  16. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    You have no idea how well we can handle unsavory. You havent met Cory...lol. Trust me on this one, if he knew he was to take care of one of his cousins, your grandson couldnt be in better care. No one would take advantage of him. He would just become one of the brothers here.
  17. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Wow. First, Janet, you have to be one of the sweetest, most loving person on the earth. I hope that you and your family truly realize how special you are!

    DDD, I am so sorry. My heart aches for you and for difficult child 1. It sounds as though even if he actually hit a bottom that even he would recognize that he might not even be able to realize it or remember that it could be different if he got clean/sober. That is terrifying - and I am sure it is even more than that for you.

    Sadly, for most people with-o huge incomes there is no real chance for real help. The prison system is the only avenue for many to get mental health care and what they get is truly shameful to teh rest of our nation, in my opinion.

    Please know that you have done everything humanly possible and far more than anyone could have expected of you. Situations like this are why the Serenity Prayer came to be and why the family needs alanon/narcanon also. Please, even if you have been there done that for long periods of time in the past, go back to meetings. We love you and are always with you, but you need that in real life support also.

    I am so sorry. While you KNOW that he is disabled and ill, you and husband also have a responsibility to yourselves to have a healthy home. I am NOT saying turn your back on him, or do what parents would do with an addict who did not have brain damage. But as you plan and make choices, please realize the toll this is having on your health, husband's health, and the rest of your lives. There are no good choices here. Which truly svcks.
  18. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    LOL, Janet. I understand. on the other hand deep in my heart I really believe that he has to have pretty intensive therapy. He has internalized alot of pain and a whole lot of guilt for immoral/illegal activities that he has been involved in over the years. When he is drunk he shares stuff with me that makes my hair curl. No, thank God, I don't think he has brutally assaulted anyone. on the other hand he has been with addict friends who have done some bad stuff...and he knows alot about the underpinnings of our society. The issues that I posted about before started his decline. Those combined with peer associations is a very heavy burden. He stifles. He is "soft" but appears to be hard. Some professional has got to get through those barriers with him or he is destined for failure. Addiction is his escape but as we all know (and he knows in his heart) it leads to harsh reality. I'm praying for a compatible substance abuse counselor.
  19. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    I'm sorry to hear this, DDD. Reading thru your posts that describe him, it sounds very similar to the way I'd describe my son although he's getting there for different reasons and doesn't have a Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI). My son is also very soft-hearteed in some ways and carries and stuffs a lot of guilt due to his own choices and acquaintances. I don't have an answer, as you know, but offer my condolensces
  20. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911


    When I started to type a response to you it sounded more like the cartoon mouse....I....eeee.....hhhhheeeee.uhhhhhhhh........aaaaaaa.......hhhhhhhh. Then I sat here and exhaled a bunch shaking my head and thinking what to say, what to offer and my hope of hitting the lottery so I can buy that island surrounded by sharks and hire the worlds best therapists and drop our kids off on it for intense therapy and hard labor until they are adjusted rolls around in my mind. You know best surgeons, best communicators fly in......best security.....yadda yadda. It's still a wish - kids on one end - donkeys on the other. Kraken out in the Pacific. Or Carribean not decided yet.....(it's still my dream)

    been there done that with the jewelry........reality? Chances not so good. Pawn - maybe. Dealers. Not. Not unless someone bigger, uglier and meaner goes. Best to forget it. It will cost him double.

    I guess there could be a lot of "blame" passed around because I know - I swear when Dude goes off on one of his tangents? His depression and raging suicidal vents about his life - and on some things he makes very valid points - It would be very easy for me to allow him to play the victim and blame the x. He was after all the reason the cause the beginning to the entire crapohole. But at what point I wondered and asked do you look at them and say WHERE do you take responsibility for YOUR OWN LIFE? YUP you had a poopy childhood, YUP you had a lot of injuries that left you incapacitated....and part of me want to SCREAM "DEAL WITH IT" and the other part of me struggles with wanting to ball him up and hug him for hours and try to fix a part of his life that I can't get back - I mean I TRIED that right? You did too. And while I won't ----a twinge of me wishes that Daddy Disney were human - and he is not. No way is he human. Devil incarnate - yes. NO nice way to say - your Father is a socio-psychopath BiPolar (BP) with no soul. Deal with it. And you continually make poor decisions for yourself - GROW UP.....and you have all this history - GET OVER IT ------I know they both need help -----mine says that all the time - but REFUSES to go. He's so angry. At least yours will cry ----there's a heart left - go with that work with that. Make sense with that. And I swear ------your Daughter? (insert things I should never EVER think where a Mother could hear me) - but we've discussed that they are similar to things I used to think about my x ----but have long gotten over for him - now I start a new chapter for her. What a piece of work those two are. Somewhere they were related. HAVE TO BE.

    Hugs and you hang in there. Tough as nails you are.......